The current culinary craze for cupcakes topped with high rise structures constructed of icing (or frosting, for pretentious types) has proved to be a boon for both dentists and the clothing manufacturer for oversized, or fat, men, Jacamo, with both areas of trade reporting record profits.
The trend appeared to start when the phrase 'credit crunch' was first being uttered in those first halcyon days of the recession. As purse strings across the country were tightened and budgets were cut, millions of people suddenly decided to start baking cakes at home, replacing their once hideous and outrageous spending habits with equally monstrous iced cupcakes. The creations of these Frankenstein fancies, in the majority of cases built by women and thus referred to as 'cute', have proved to be a bigger burden on men due to the fact the women don't actually plan to eat the cakes themselves.
One pokry victim explained that his girlfriend 'decided to knock up a batch of fifteen cupcakes while I was at work. I walked through the front door and she was sitting at the table smiling at me with a plate of blocks of icing in front of her, each one with a tiny little cake underneath. I ate one to please her, somehow managing to find a way through the mountainous iceberg that sat smugly on top. When I finished she offered me another one. I asked her if she was having one, but she said no, because she was on a diet and didn't like cakes anyway. It soon dawned on me that I was expected to eat the entire batch. After this first time it has happened every few weeks. She even wedges entire biscuits into the icing now, too. My teeth are starting to fall out and I've gained two stone. She doesn't even ask if I want fifteen cakes, she just makes them, and if I say no she comes at me with a knife for not putting her feelings first.'
This harrowing account is by no means an isolated incident as men up and down Great Britain are racking up huge dental bills and registering accounts on the Jacamo website in order to replace their old, smaller clothes. In fact, just three weeks ago the first cupcake fatality was recorded as one doting husband attempted to eat a cupcake with a block of icing that stood at three feet four inches high and weighed approximately four stone. One eyewitness described the creation 'as though Godzilla ate a thousand boxes of Lucky Charms and then took a shit on a tiny cake.' As the man tried to grapple with the homemade monstrosity baked up by his wife, the miniscule cake underneath buckled and gave way, followed by the table that it was sitting on, causing the icing to topple forward onto the victim, pinning him to the floor, smothering his head. Ordinarily, the man could have wriggled free, but he had gained so much weight in the preceding six weeks due to his icing intake that he was too fat to simply roll over, suffering a slow sugary suffocation.
Cupcake critics say that men need to speak up and simply tell their other halves to stop making so many cakes, or to at least ask for some cake with their icing as a starting point. Some commentators are optimistic that David Cameron will dart his amphibian eye across the craze and decide to stage a photoshoot in which he appears to be spontaneously baking cakes like any normal, poor shit-eater would. It is hoped that when this happens, homemade-cupcake-iced-mountains-with-entire-biscuits-on-top will be dropped quicker than you can say 'Coalition.'
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