In part 4 of the Facebook Couple the girl is giving birth to the couple's first Facebook baby. Naturally, this intensely private and personal event is broadcast to the no doubt thousands of people worldwide on their respective friends lists. As is the way with weddings, certain people have suddenly become incredibly religious for one day only.
The girl is laying down on a hospital bed in labour. She is clearly in great pain. Her husband is by her side offering support. She pulls out her phone and types and talks.
Girl: FUUUUCK in labour now about to give birth…fucking agony!! Sad face.
Her husband pulls put his phone and types and talks.
Guy: is right by his wife’s side through all of this. Come on babes you can do this, bring our beautiful baby boy into this world kiss kiss. So proud babe.
The nurse helping her through the labour tells her to push but she can only scream in agony. The nurse keeps on telling her to push, push, push. She pulls out her phone and types and talks.
Girl: Will someone tell that nurse to fuck off! lol
Her husband gets his phone out and reads, before typing and talking.
Guy: lol, I know, what a bitch.
The nurse finally bellows out “PUSH!” one last time and the girl push and screams with all her might. Eventually crying is heard and it is all over. The nurse hands the new born baby to the mother as the husband moves in closer to complete the image of a happy family.
The guy pulls his phone out and turns it around to take a photo of the three of them. He then turns it back around and starts tapping away.
Guy: Me and my beautiful wife with our son who is about ten seconds old. Who does he look like? Lol smiley face.
Girl: Tag me in it, and make up a profile for him too (nodding down at the baby) and set it as his profile picture.
Guy: Will do.
The girl gets her phone out and types one handed while holding the baby in the other hand.
Girl: Just given birth to my first child. Fuck lol. I’m sore ha ha winking face.
Saturday 31 July 2010
Apple Unveil New Girlfriend App. For iPhone
Apple have today unveiled the new 'Girlfriend App." for the iPhone, claiming that it is "a huge leap forward in our bid to control the minds of every human being on Earth." In a conscious bid to move away from apps. that allow people to have fake lightsabre fights, make fake toast and pretend to eat it, drink imaginary pints of beer and fire imaginary shotguns, the app. will actually have a degree of involvement in real life, and is available for immediate download. It is, however, aimed specifically at the female market, or more specifically women who are currently in a steady (or unsteady) relationship with a man.
When the app. has been purchased and downloaded onto the iPhone it prompts the owner to nominate a name and number from the contacts list as their boyfriend. When this number has been selected the app. sets about three immediate tasks. Firstly, it hacks into the Facebook and email accounts of the boyfriend, stealing his passwords so that the girlfriend can innocently monitor and twist innocuous correspondence with other females, and continue to do so on a half hourly basis. Secondly, the app. sets the boyfriends mobile phone background as a picture of the girlfriend. The picture is chosen by the girlfriend so as to pick out one that flatters her and doesn't show off her double chin. The third act carried out by the app., once the 'Intrusion Stage' is complete, is to automatically send a text to the boyfriend asking "What are you thinking? xxx" Regardless of anything else that happens, this text will be sent at half an hour intervals from this point on until the relationship ends.
Other aspects of the app. include an inbox monitor. If no text from the boyfriend's number is received at least every hour the app. automatically sends him a text saying "We need to talk..." If no reply to this text is received within five minutes, a follow up text of "I can't believe you're doing this to me you fuck!" is then sent out. Then, heaven forbid, a reply is still not forthcoming inside of a further two minutes, the app. simply wipes the boyfriend's phone of all contact numbers, saved messages and photos. The sim card is also melted and the relationship is over.
A loving boyfriend would not allow to this happen, naturally, and in happier times the app. will automatically send the boyfriend a text a month before the girlfriend's birthday saying "You don't have to get me much this year" followed by a web link to www.linksoflondon.com. No reply to this text is necessary.
And finally, if the boyfriend happens to send the girlfriend a text with no kisses on the end, the app. will immediately send a reply saying "Why didn't you put any kisses on that text? Are you cheating on me?" If no response is received inside of five minutes then text after text of foul and abusive language and phone call after phone will bombard the boyfriend, until he can explain that it was just an accident.
So, ladies, if you want to step up the intensity of your love and prove just how domineering or distrustful you really are, then there is an app. for that. There's an app. for everything.
When the app. has been purchased and downloaded onto the iPhone it prompts the owner to nominate a name and number from the contacts list as their boyfriend. When this number has been selected the app. sets about three immediate tasks. Firstly, it hacks into the Facebook and email accounts of the boyfriend, stealing his passwords so that the girlfriend can innocently monitor and twist innocuous correspondence with other females, and continue to do so on a half hourly basis. Secondly, the app. sets the boyfriends mobile phone background as a picture of the girlfriend. The picture is chosen by the girlfriend so as to pick out one that flatters her and doesn't show off her double chin. The third act carried out by the app., once the 'Intrusion Stage' is complete, is to automatically send a text to the boyfriend asking "What are you thinking? xxx" Regardless of anything else that happens, this text will be sent at half an hour intervals from this point on until the relationship ends.
Other aspects of the app. include an inbox monitor. If no text from the boyfriend's number is received at least every hour the app. automatically sends him a text saying "We need to talk..." If no reply to this text is received within five minutes, a follow up text of "I can't believe you're doing this to me you fuck!" is then sent out. Then, heaven forbid, a reply is still not forthcoming inside of a further two minutes, the app. simply wipes the boyfriend's phone of all contact numbers, saved messages and photos. The sim card is also melted and the relationship is over.
A loving boyfriend would not allow to this happen, naturally, and in happier times the app. will automatically send the boyfriend a text a month before the girlfriend's birthday saying "You don't have to get me much this year" followed by a web link to www.linksoflondon.com. No reply to this text is necessary.
And finally, if the boyfriend happens to send the girlfriend a text with no kisses on the end, the app. will immediately send a reply saying "Why didn't you put any kisses on that text? Are you cheating on me?" If no response is received inside of five minutes then text after text of foul and abusive language and phone call after phone will bombard the boyfriend, until he can explain that it was just an accident.
So, ladies, if you want to step up the intensity of your love and prove just how domineering or distrustful you really are, then there is an app. for that. There's an app. for everything.
Man in Little White Pants - Massage Parlour
The 'Man in Little White Pants' sketch came from the idea of having someone getting rejected in seemingly unrejectable situations. The 'Man in Little White Pants' doesn't say anything and just takes the abuse from whoever or wherever he's getting rejected from.
Int. Man in little white pants (a balding, chubby, short, middle-aged man) is sitting in the waiting room of a massage parlour. The manager walks in.
Manager: Hi there sir, sorry for the delay (pauses). Right.....errmmm....I don’t know quite how to say this so I’m just going to say it. None of our girls want to massage you. I know – it’s not great really. Unfortunately they had one look at you and basically point blank refused. I’m not going to beat around the bush sir, they think you’re hideous. (Starts laughing) Actually, one of them said, and I quote “There’s no fucking way I’m massaging that ugly tosser, not even for my 2 kids.” So......ye......powerful stuff. Try not to feel too disheartened sir, we’ve all been there.....well actually we haven’t. No one’s ever been rejected from this massage parlour and we really need the business so that probably tells you how strongly they felt about not massaging you and your general appearance. Basically you’re the first person not get a massage from us, I guess that makes you unique? Maybe something to tell the grandkids? But I doubt that will happen because if no-one will massage you for money, then, probably, no-one will want to shag you (starts laughing). Anyway sir, I’m deeply embarrassed by the whole situation...well maybe not as much as you (starts laughing). I would give you some vouchers for a free massage, but as you’ve seen from today, no-one wants to massage you, so it would be pretty pointless. So, if you could leave before you or I get more embarrassed then that would be great. Thank you.
Man in little white pants gets up and leaves in his shoes, walking out the entrance.
Int. Man in little white pants (a balding, chubby, short, middle-aged man) is sitting in the waiting room of a massage parlour. The manager walks in.
Manager: Hi there sir, sorry for the delay (pauses). Right.....errmmm....I don’t know quite how to say this so I’m just going to say it. None of our girls want to massage you. I know – it’s not great really. Unfortunately they had one look at you and basically point blank refused. I’m not going to beat around the bush sir, they think you’re hideous. (Starts laughing) Actually, one of them said, and I quote “There’s no fucking way I’m massaging that ugly tosser, not even for my 2 kids.” So......ye......powerful stuff. Try not to feel too disheartened sir, we’ve all been there.....well actually we haven’t. No one’s ever been rejected from this massage parlour and we really need the business so that probably tells you how strongly they felt about not massaging you and your general appearance. Basically you’re the first person not get a massage from us, I guess that makes you unique? Maybe something to tell the grandkids? But I doubt that will happen because if no-one will massage you for money, then, probably, no-one will want to shag you (starts laughing). Anyway sir, I’m deeply embarrassed by the whole situation...well maybe not as much as you (starts laughing). I would give you some vouchers for a free massage, but as you’ve seen from today, no-one wants to massage you, so it would be pretty pointless. So, if you could leave before you or I get more embarrassed then that would be great. Thank you.
Man in little white pants gets up and leaves in his shoes, walking out the entrance.
Wednesday 28 July 2010
Facebook Couple: Part 3
In part three of the Facebook Couple they have reached the big day and are getting married. Naturally, even though their nearest and dearest are actually all gathered to witness the event with their own eyes, they still see fit to halt proceedings to let everyone else at home know what's going on. It's a big day, and they MUST show off in order to make clear to the world just how in love they are.
In a church on the Wedding Day. The Guy is at the altar waiting and chatting barely audibly to his best man. He pulls out his phone and types and talks.
Guy: is standing at the altar under the eyes of our ever loving God waiting to marry my angel. Happiest day of my life smiley face.
A girl sitting in one of the pews goes on her phone and lets out an audible “awww” and types and talks.
Pew girl: babe that’s so sweet, hope you have a great day you are both stars and angels and God is watching over you always and forever mwah kiss kiss.
At the altar the guy twiddles his thumbs a while longer before checking his phone again. He types and talks.
Guy: Thanks hun, can’t believe I’m getting married in a matter of minutes. Crazy times. Better go, bride is here! Lol.
‘Here Comes the Bride’ starts to play and everyone stands. The bride enters on the arm of her Father looking radiant. During her slow walk she pulls out her phone and types and talks.
Girl: is walking up the aisle to marry my prince charming. OMG can’t fucking believe it rofl. Hope I don’t look fat in my dress.
A vast majority of the women in attendance pull out their phones and all start to type and talk:
-Babe you look like an angel
-OMG hun you look so beautiful
-You look soooo hot girl
-Stunning.
After she gets to the altar and smiles at the groom the service begins, but we cut to the end where they kiss to seal the deal. They start to walk back down the aisle but both pull out their phones and type and talk.
Guy: is hitched lol…bring on the honeymoon winking face. Gonna smash that wife ass.
Girl: just got married smile face. Bring on the rest of our lives kiss kiss.
In a church on the Wedding Day. The Guy is at the altar waiting and chatting barely audibly to his best man. He pulls out his phone and types and talks.
Guy: is standing at the altar under the eyes of our ever loving God waiting to marry my angel. Happiest day of my life smiley face.
A girl sitting in one of the pews goes on her phone and lets out an audible “awww” and types and talks.
Pew girl: babe that’s so sweet, hope you have a great day you are both stars and angels and God is watching over you always and forever mwah kiss kiss.
At the altar the guy twiddles his thumbs a while longer before checking his phone again. He types and talks.
Guy: Thanks hun, can’t believe I’m getting married in a matter of minutes. Crazy times. Better go, bride is here! Lol.
‘Here Comes the Bride’ starts to play and everyone stands. The bride enters on the arm of her Father looking radiant. During her slow walk she pulls out her phone and types and talks.
Girl: is walking up the aisle to marry my prince charming. OMG can’t fucking believe it rofl. Hope I don’t look fat in my dress.
A vast majority of the women in attendance pull out their phones and all start to type and talk:
-Babe you look like an angel
-OMG hun you look so beautiful
-You look soooo hot girl
-Stunning.
After she gets to the altar and smiles at the groom the service begins, but we cut to the end where they kiss to seal the deal. They start to walk back down the aisle but both pull out their phones and type and talk.
Guy: is hitched lol…bring on the honeymoon winking face. Gonna smash that wife ass.
Girl: just got married smile face. Bring on the rest of our lives kiss kiss.
Facebook Couple: Part 2
Part two of the Facebook couple's life together sees them taking the next step in their relationship - engagement. But rather than enjoy the moment between themselves and share their love between themselves before passing on the good news, they decide to get everyone involved by giving a live commentary on Facebook.
The Guy and the Girl are sat at a table in a candlelit restaurant. The Guy is looking restless and nervous which in turn has made the Girl look pensive. The Guy pulls out his phone and starts updating his Facebook status.
Guy: is so fucking nervous right now, bricking it.
The Girl pulls out her phone and reads the Guy’s status. She furrows her brow and starts typing, talking out loud.
Girl: is a bit scared – my guy seems distracted. I think he hates me sad face.
They both put their phones away. They look at each other and smile nervously.
Girl: So – you all right, yeah?
Guy: Yeah, not too bad. You?
Girl: Yeah pretty good.
Guy: Good.
They both smile awkwardly and sit in silence. Suddenly, they both get their phones out again and start typing.
Girl: is devastated! He’s going to dump me, he’s so off! I FUCKING HATE MEN!! Angry face.
Guy: is still really nervous. Just gotta go for it lol smiley face FTW.
The Guy and the Girl both put their phones away. The Girl is absolutely fuming. The Guy stands up and walks around to the Girls side of the table. She looks confused.
Girl: What are you doing?
The Guy gets down on one knee and rummages around in his pocket. The Girl’s face lights up. He pulls out his phone and starts typing and talking.
Guy: is down on one knee about to propose to his precious angel who came down to save me from myself. Watch this space.
The Guy puts his phone away and from his other pocket pulls out a small box. He opens it to reveal a gleaming ring.
Guy: Will you marry me and that?
Girl: Yes, yes! Of course!
Guy: YES!
They both pull out their phones and start typing and talking.
Girl: is engaged lol! He asked me to marry him and I said yes type thing. I love my hero husband sooo much! Smiley face kiss kiss kiss.
Guy: is engaged! She said yes! Love my gorgeous angel smiley face. Bring on the wedding!
The Guy goes to grab the ring out of the box.
Girl: Wait, wait!
The Girl takes a photo of the Guy down on one knee in front of her.
Guy: Can I put the ring on your finger now?
Girl: Hang on! (Concentrating on her phone) Upload. Select. Like. Tag. Lol. Ok, now you can.
The Guy puts the ring on the Girl’s finger. They stare at each other lovingly.
Guy: Yeeeah.
Girl: Yeeeah.
The Guy and the Girl are sat at a table in a candlelit restaurant. The Guy is looking restless and nervous which in turn has made the Girl look pensive. The Guy pulls out his phone and starts updating his Facebook status.
Guy: is so fucking nervous right now, bricking it.
The Girl pulls out her phone and reads the Guy’s status. She furrows her brow and starts typing, talking out loud.
Girl: is a bit scared – my guy seems distracted. I think he hates me sad face.
They both put their phones away. They look at each other and smile nervously.
Girl: So – you all right, yeah?
Guy: Yeah, not too bad. You?
Girl: Yeah pretty good.
Guy: Good.
They both smile awkwardly and sit in silence. Suddenly, they both get their phones out again and start typing.
Girl: is devastated! He’s going to dump me, he’s so off! I FUCKING HATE MEN!! Angry face.
Guy: is still really nervous. Just gotta go for it lol smiley face FTW.
The Guy and the Girl both put their phones away. The Girl is absolutely fuming. The Guy stands up and walks around to the Girls side of the table. She looks confused.
Girl: What are you doing?
The Guy gets down on one knee and rummages around in his pocket. The Girl’s face lights up. He pulls out his phone and starts typing and talking.
Guy: is down on one knee about to propose to his precious angel who came down to save me from myself. Watch this space.
The Guy puts his phone away and from his other pocket pulls out a small box. He opens it to reveal a gleaming ring.
Guy: Will you marry me and that?
Girl: Yes, yes! Of course!
Guy: YES!
They both pull out their phones and start typing and talking.
Girl: is engaged lol! He asked me to marry him and I said yes type thing. I love my hero husband sooo much! Smiley face kiss kiss kiss.
Guy: is engaged! She said yes! Love my gorgeous angel smiley face. Bring on the wedding!
The Guy goes to grab the ring out of the box.
Girl: Wait, wait!
The Girl takes a photo of the Guy down on one knee in front of her.
Guy: Can I put the ring on your finger now?
Girl: Hang on! (Concentrating on her phone) Upload. Select. Like. Tag. Lol. Ok, now you can.
The Guy puts the ring on the Girl’s finger. They stare at each other lovingly.
Guy: Yeeeah.
Girl: Yeeeah.
Monday 26 July 2010
Flat Party (Episode 2) - Synopsis
The whole episode follows Anton and Frank as they prepare and host a flat party. The fact that they're going to host this party is revealed to Frank by Anton in the morning, much to his annoyance at the short notice.
The start of the episode follows the preparation as Frank and Anton buy all the condiments for the party in the town centre and have a heart to heart about the night’s events in episode 1. The two of them also encounter a scouser with a lisp on a bus (something Anton finds hilarious), a group 14 year old female chavs, one of whom ends up hitting Frank, and Stu, who gets beaten by an old man in a mobility scooter in a drag race.
The actual flat party doesn’t start well, as only 4 people that both Anton and Frank barely or don’t know at all show up. Two girls Anton randomly added on Facebook because he thought they were "fit", a local drunken loser in his late 40s called Keith and Norris Morris, a local Crawley celebrity that hangs around the high street during the day talking to people as they walk past.
However, eventually over 50 people, mainly Nicola’s chav friends, arrive from another house party, which leads to jubilation from Anton and annoyance from Frank.
At the house party Frank meets a girl from his office called Betty that shows an instant liking to him. However, things don’t go quite so well for Anton, who’s countless attempts to charm Nicola only ends in put-downs. Anton then puts on a CD he bought specifically so he could "grind" with Nicola, but this again ends in disaster, as Keith ends up grinding with her after he says claims to be the manager of Crawley Town Football Club.
Frank gets more and more annoyed at the party as he deals with the mess created by other people. However, after Betty tells him there’s a spillage in the bathroom, she passionately kisses Frank before walking away to rejoin the party, leaving him slighlty bewildered.
As Frank rejoins the party he sees another a bottle of red wine being spilled and decides he’s had enough and locks himself in his room.
When Frank wakes up the next day he sees Anton passed out next to his bedroom door. Both then witness Keith walking out of Anton’s room with Nicola. As Keith leaves the flat party, Frank and Anton reveal that Keith is not the manager of Crawley Town. Nicola doesn’t seem bothered about this and leaves after she tells Frank that her period is all over his bed sheets. Anton goes into his room and, much to Frank’s disgust, sleeps on his sheets stained by Nicola. The episode ends with Frank looking around the flat, which is in an absolute state, and sighing loudly before grabbing a black bin bag.
The start of the episode follows the preparation as Frank and Anton buy all the condiments for the party in the town centre and have a heart to heart about the night’s events in episode 1. The two of them also encounter a scouser with a lisp on a bus (something Anton finds hilarious), a group 14 year old female chavs, one of whom ends up hitting Frank, and Stu, who gets beaten by an old man in a mobility scooter in a drag race.
The actual flat party doesn’t start well, as only 4 people that both Anton and Frank barely or don’t know at all show up. Two girls Anton randomly added on Facebook because he thought they were "fit", a local drunken loser in his late 40s called Keith and Norris Morris, a local Crawley celebrity that hangs around the high street during the day talking to people as they walk past.
However, eventually over 50 people, mainly Nicola’s chav friends, arrive from another house party, which leads to jubilation from Anton and annoyance from Frank.
At the house party Frank meets a girl from his office called Betty that shows an instant liking to him. However, things don’t go quite so well for Anton, who’s countless attempts to charm Nicola only ends in put-downs. Anton then puts on a CD he bought specifically so he could "grind" with Nicola, but this again ends in disaster, as Keith ends up grinding with her after he says claims to be the manager of Crawley Town Football Club.
Frank gets more and more annoyed at the party as he deals with the mess created by other people. However, after Betty tells him there’s a spillage in the bathroom, she passionately kisses Frank before walking away to rejoin the party, leaving him slighlty bewildered.
As Frank rejoins the party he sees another a bottle of red wine being spilled and decides he’s had enough and locks himself in his room.
When Frank wakes up the next day he sees Anton passed out next to his bedroom door. Both then witness Keith walking out of Anton’s room with Nicola. As Keith leaves the flat party, Frank and Anton reveal that Keith is not the manager of Crawley Town. Nicola doesn’t seem bothered about this and leaves after she tells Frank that her period is all over his bed sheets. Anton goes into his room and, much to Frank’s disgust, sleeps on his sheets stained by Nicola. The episode ends with Frank looking around the flat, which is in an absolute state, and sighing loudly before grabbing a black bin bag.
Wednesday 21 July 2010
Daily Mail World
The Daily Mail is brilliant isn't it? We all love something or someone that is unintentionally hilarious when they/it are trying to be serious. We simply observed a few of the Daily Mail's headlines over a short period of time and just imagined what it would be like to live in a world dominated by the Daily Mail. We thought it would look a little like this:
Camera angle is looking down a normal suburban street. The words ‘Daily Mail World’ are captioned briefly at the bottom of the screen. The camera slowly moves down the street. We encounter white people walking around purposefully, muttering inaudible things under their breath. Two people stop and point at one piece of litter on the floor.
Person 1: Look at that! It’s a disgrace! It’s a disgrace!
Person 2: It’s disgraceful! This is why Britain is sliding into the gutter. It’s a disgrace!
Some more people gather around the piece of litter and they all mutter or shout “it’s a disgrace!” and point at the litter. The camera moves away from this scene, continuing down the street. A postman is leaning against a wall having a little break, smoking a cigarette. One person stops and starts pointing at the postman.
Person 3: You’re a disgrace! This is disgraceful behavior! You’re the reason Britain isn’t great anymore! It’s a disgrace!
The camera continues to move down the street before stopping. An Asian man parks a car by the curb and exits the vehicle. As he walks away from the car the people nearby start screaming and panicking.
Person 4: It’s a car bomb! He’s a terrorist!
People fling themselves to the floor, shielding themselves and each other from the seemingly inevitable explosion. One woman turns to run but runs straight into a black man and falls to the floor. He apologizes and offers to help the woman up, but she has a look of sheer terror on her face.
Person 5: No, please! Don’t stab me! Just take my money and leave me alone!
The sound of an angry crowd can be heard off screen and the camera turns to see a mob of people chasing a car that is towing a caravan. A person’s face suddenly appears in front of the camera.
Person 6: (shouting) It’s a disgrace!
Camera angle is looking down a normal suburban street. The words ‘Daily Mail World’ are captioned briefly at the bottom of the screen. The camera slowly moves down the street. We encounter white people walking around purposefully, muttering inaudible things under their breath. Two people stop and point at one piece of litter on the floor.
Person 1: Look at that! It’s a disgrace! It’s a disgrace!
Person 2: It’s disgraceful! This is why Britain is sliding into the gutter. It’s a disgrace!
Some more people gather around the piece of litter and they all mutter or shout “it’s a disgrace!” and point at the litter. The camera moves away from this scene, continuing down the street. A postman is leaning against a wall having a little break, smoking a cigarette. One person stops and starts pointing at the postman.
Person 3: You’re a disgrace! This is disgraceful behavior! You’re the reason Britain isn’t great anymore! It’s a disgrace!
The camera continues to move down the street before stopping. An Asian man parks a car by the curb and exits the vehicle. As he walks away from the car the people nearby start screaming and panicking.
Person 4: It’s a car bomb! He’s a terrorist!
People fling themselves to the floor, shielding themselves and each other from the seemingly inevitable explosion. One woman turns to run but runs straight into a black man and falls to the floor. He apologizes and offers to help the woman up, but she has a look of sheer terror on her face.
Person 5: No, please! Don’t stab me! Just take my money and leave me alone!
The sound of an angry crowd can be heard off screen and the camera turns to see a mob of people chasing a car that is towing a caravan. A person’s face suddenly appears in front of the camera.
Person 6: (shouting) It’s a disgrace!
Facebook Couple: Part 1
Having spent numerous Friday and Saturday nights at home on my own because I'm cool, I started to notice an annoying, mystifying pattern: the people who were actually out having fun, or were supposed to be out having fun, where constantly updating their facebook statuses via their mobile phones. To me this just seemed hilarious as I pictured all these people out in pubs, bars and clubs breaking off conversations and activities to pull out their phones and update their facebook.
Naturally, we took this a bit further and imagined two of these people, a man and a woman, meeting on one of these nights out and then starting a life together, breaking off from the important moments in life to update their facebooks. This is Part 1, when they meet.
Int. In a nightclub. Music is playing, multicoloured lights play around on the walls. The camera moves towards the bar where a guy and a girl are standing ordering some drinks. As the order is being fulfilled the guy and the girl look at each other but can’t find the words to start a conversation, they both laugh at the same time and quickly turn their back on each other, pulling out their phones. They start typing away, updating their facebook statuses. They read aloud as they type.
Guy: (talking while typing) is at the bar with a proper fit girl, just getting some drinks in – she’s a proper cutie.
Girl: (talking while typing) is at the bar with a well hot guy, he’s so funny and lovely. Just getting some drinks in now whoop whoop lol.
With their drinks now on the bar they turn to face each other and continue laughing.
Guy: You ready for these drinks then?
Girl: Only if you are.
Guy: Course I bloody am.
They down three consecutive shots each and start hacking and coughing immediately after.
Guy: Urgh, that was disgusting.
Girl: So wrong.
They look at each other in silence again as the words fail. They turn away from each other again and get their phones out, typing away and speaking out loud.
Guy: has just done three shots at the bar. FUCKING BRING IT ON! So up for this fitty now.
Girl: just done 2 straight shots of Jagermeister at the bar followed by a sambucca, gonna be a messy one whoop whoop, bring it on.
The couple turn to face each other again and smile at each other.
Guy: Fancy going to the dancefloor?
Girl: Yeah, definitely.
They head off to the dancefloor. After a brief cut we seem them dancing together. He is standing behind her with his hands on her hips while she grinds him. Every now and then people around them on the dancefloor pull out their phones and start typing away, talking out loud, but cannot be heard distinctly. The girl turns herself around and looks up at the guy. He leans down and the two start to kiss passionately. When they finish they look at each other shyly. The turn away from each other and pull their phones out, typing and talking:
Guy: Just got off with that proper fit girl, smiley face. Hopefully be taking that home tonight to bang.
Girl: OMG just snogged that fit guy – what a kisser smiley winking face. Such a good night kiss kiss.
They turn and face each other again and pick up where they left off dancing. After a while the guy leans down and whispers something in her ear which is inaudible. She nods and they vacate the dancefloor.
Cut to a scene of the them kissing in the back of a taxi. Afterwards they look at each other again and turn away, withdrawing their phones, typing and talking.
Guy: is in a cab with the fitty now, just got off with her again. On the way back to my place now, get in there.
Girl: in a cab now with my guy, heading back to his winking smiley face.
Cut to a scene of them falling apart having just finished making love. They are both out of breath. They each lean out their respective sides of bed to find their phones, before typing and talking.
Guy: Just smashed that fitty, she’s awesome, really nice girl. Now time for bed, night to ma peeps.
Girl: just slept with my guy, he’s so sweet and amazing. I think he really gets me. Looking forward to hugging and talking all night. Night for now guys kiss kiss.
They both put their phones down and grin idiotically at each other.
Naturally, we took this a bit further and imagined two of these people, a man and a woman, meeting on one of these nights out and then starting a life together, breaking off from the important moments in life to update their facebooks. This is Part 1, when they meet.
Int. In a nightclub. Music is playing, multicoloured lights play around on the walls. The camera moves towards the bar where a guy and a girl are standing ordering some drinks. As the order is being fulfilled the guy and the girl look at each other but can’t find the words to start a conversation, they both laugh at the same time and quickly turn their back on each other, pulling out their phones. They start typing away, updating their facebook statuses. They read aloud as they type.
Guy: (talking while typing) is at the bar with a proper fit girl, just getting some drinks in – she’s a proper cutie.
Girl: (talking while typing) is at the bar with a well hot guy, he’s so funny and lovely. Just getting some drinks in now whoop whoop lol.
With their drinks now on the bar they turn to face each other and continue laughing.
Guy: You ready for these drinks then?
Girl: Only if you are.
Guy: Course I bloody am.
They down three consecutive shots each and start hacking and coughing immediately after.
Guy: Urgh, that was disgusting.
Girl: So wrong.
They look at each other in silence again as the words fail. They turn away from each other again and get their phones out, typing away and speaking out loud.
Guy: has just done three shots at the bar. FUCKING BRING IT ON! So up for this fitty now.
Girl: just done 2 straight shots of Jagermeister at the bar followed by a sambucca, gonna be a messy one whoop whoop, bring it on.
The couple turn to face each other again and smile at each other.
Guy: Fancy going to the dancefloor?
Girl: Yeah, definitely.
They head off to the dancefloor. After a brief cut we seem them dancing together. He is standing behind her with his hands on her hips while she grinds him. Every now and then people around them on the dancefloor pull out their phones and start typing away, talking out loud, but cannot be heard distinctly. The girl turns herself around and looks up at the guy. He leans down and the two start to kiss passionately. When they finish they look at each other shyly. The turn away from each other and pull their phones out, typing and talking:
Guy: Just got off with that proper fit girl, smiley face. Hopefully be taking that home tonight to bang.
Girl: OMG just snogged that fit guy – what a kisser smiley winking face. Such a good night kiss kiss.
They turn and face each other again and pick up where they left off dancing. After a while the guy leans down and whispers something in her ear which is inaudible. She nods and they vacate the dancefloor.
Cut to a scene of the them kissing in the back of a taxi. Afterwards they look at each other again and turn away, withdrawing their phones, typing and talking.
Guy: is in a cab with the fitty now, just got off with her again. On the way back to my place now, get in there.
Girl: in a cab now with my guy, heading back to his winking smiley face.
Cut to a scene of them falling apart having just finished making love. They are both out of breath. They each lean out their respective sides of bed to find their phones, before typing and talking.
Guy: Just smashed that fitty, she’s awesome, really nice girl. Now time for bed, night to ma peeps.
Girl: just slept with my guy, he’s so sweet and amazing. I think he really gets me. Looking forward to hugging and talking all night. Night for now guys kiss kiss.
They both put their phones down and grin idiotically at each other.
'WEHELPWANKERS' charity appeal
This is a sketch of a charity appeal for a fictional charity called 'WEHELPWANKERS'. The idea came from watching a Panorama episode about the recession and how it's affecting the "forgotten middle-class". It even mentioned a charity that helps the middle-class during tough economic times. Who would donate to that?!
Also I saw a Daily Mail article about some poor bloke that can't shop in Harrods anymore because he's not earning as much money as he was before and instead has to shop in Sainsbury's! ARRRRGGGGHHHH! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????!!!!!!
This got us thinking of a sketch that appealed for help to people like bankers or those who are well-off but now receiving less money in their jobs as a result of the recession. So here it is!
'WEHELPWANKERS' charity appeal
A blank screen appears with the words “An urgent appeal to the charitable members of British society.” Slow, emotional music plays over a montage of pictures of city workers in economic strife.
The shot fades into a serious looking man dressed in a suit.
MAN IN A SUIT:
Good day to you. As I am sure you are aware we have all been hit with troublesome financial times of late. Amidst all of the confusion and accusations, however, a certain subsection of society has been forgotten, cruelly left behind to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. Here is just one example: Roy used to shop in Harrods every week, but his banking bonus get cancelled 6 months ago, and now he can only afford to shop in Waitrose and sometimes even Sainsburys. He has even had to momentarily consider buying products from the Basics range. Imagine if that was you; having a bonus stopped like that. Regardless of the fact Roy pissed away millions of other people’s money, this sort of suffering cannot continue. Please do all you can to help people like Roy who will continue to suffer this inhumanity unless people like you intervene. All it requires is a small monthly donation to 'WEHELPWANKERS' charity, so we can help people like Roy shop in Harrods again. One day, his dreams can come true. Please help us.
Also I saw a Daily Mail article about some poor bloke that can't shop in Harrods anymore because he's not earning as much money as he was before and instead has to shop in Sainsbury's! ARRRRGGGGHHHH! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY??????!!!!!!
This got us thinking of a sketch that appealed for help to people like bankers or those who are well-off but now receiving less money in their jobs as a result of the recession. So here it is!
'WEHELPWANKERS' charity appeal
A blank screen appears with the words “An urgent appeal to the charitable members of British society.” Slow, emotional music plays over a montage of pictures of city workers in economic strife.
The shot fades into a serious looking man dressed in a suit.
MAN IN A SUIT:
Good day to you. As I am sure you are aware we have all been hit with troublesome financial times of late. Amidst all of the confusion and accusations, however, a certain subsection of society has been forgotten, cruelly left behind to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. Here is just one example: Roy used to shop in Harrods every week, but his banking bonus get cancelled 6 months ago, and now he can only afford to shop in Waitrose and sometimes even Sainsburys. He has even had to momentarily consider buying products from the Basics range. Imagine if that was you; having a bonus stopped like that. Regardless of the fact Roy pissed away millions of other people’s money, this sort of suffering cannot continue. Please do all you can to help people like Roy who will continue to suffer this inhumanity unless people like you intervene. All it requires is a small monthly donation to 'WEHELPWANKERS' charity, so we can help people like Roy shop in Harrods again. One day, his dreams can come true. Please help us.
Monday 19 July 2010
Pilot (Episode 1) - Synopsis
The first episode of 'I'm Not Enjoying This' begins with Frank moving into Anton's flat. Anton is characteristically unwelcoming and achieves his goal of being the most hopeless and unhelpful tenant possible. Having overcome this, Frank then starts his temporary job as a call centre worker. The team leader at the call centre, Barbara, takes an instant liking to Frank, flirting with him throughout their initial exchange with each other. On his first day at work Frank also meets Stu, a 19 year old chav wannabe rapper, who shows Frank the ropes and "busts a few of his sick raps" by way of a welcome.
After the first week at work, a "your mum" joke made by Stu backfires after Frank turns down an invitation for a night out. Frank instinctively responds, untruthfully, by saying that his mum is dead. Stu believes Frank, though, and offers to buy him drinks all night if he goes out on Saturday. Frank agrees on the condition that Anton, who he claims is his brother, gets free drinks as well. Out of guilt, Stu accepts.
Anton and Frank meet up with Stu and his crew, who are incredibly late in showing up. Anton immediately shows his anger and agitation towards their lateness and immediately targets Stu and one of the other crew members, DJ Malfunktion, to vent his frustration. However, as the evening continues Anton starts to bond with Stu's crew and suggests he becomes a member, forwarding the name Al-Qaeda for the collective. Stu's crew are unsure, but give Anton a chance to prove himself with a "sick rap". Anton performs well and is accepted into the ranks. Frank walks away as Anton and Stu's crew continue to bond, and bumps into an attractive woman called Anne-Marie. Both of them are immediately attracted to each other as they get talking, however, Anne-Marie's friend is horrendously drunk and ruins the moment for the two of them, so both go their separate ways.
As Anton, Frank and Stu's crew wait in the queue for Liquid nightclub, Stu informs Frank that he will attempt the "round and down", a borderline sexual assault manoeuvre, on a girl he fancies in the club. Frank warns Stu that this might be a bad idea, but Stu ignores the warnings, adamant that it will succeed.
In the club, Frank meets the girl Stu fancies - a shotgirl. Stu buys 10 shots off her and drinks them all for Dutch courage for the "round and down" he will be attempting. Frank and Anton then meet Nicola, a 21 year old WAG wannabe, who's sole-intention is to sleep with as many Crawley Town footballers as possible. Anton is completely besotted with her and displays extreme annoyance when she shows an instant liking to Frank; so much so that he storms off. Frank follows him and the two of them argue as Anton leaves the club.
As he's leaving he sees Stu, who's now sitting with the shotgirl and starting to attempt the "round and down". Just as his hand is on shotgirl's breast, Anton tells Stu that he's not Frank's brother and his mum isn't dead. Shocked at this revelation Stu starts to look queasy and shotgirl turns around and faces Stu as his hand is placed on her breast. Stu then throws up on shotgirl.
Frank follows Anton out of the club and the two continue to argue, which leads to Anton chucking Frank's keys away, before he walks off. Frank then meets Anne-Marie again, who has also been left by her friend, and they end up going back to her place. However, they don't have sex, they instead just enjoy each other's company.
In the morning, Frank wakes up with Anne-Marie, who informs him that she's barely just turned 18 and heading to university in a few weeks time. Both reluctantly decide to leave things as they are and Frank heads back to the flat, where the front door is wide open, Anton passed out on the sofa in his pants with kebab meat on his bare chest. As Frank enters his bedroom he finds a note on his door from Anton saying sorry. Frank sighs and heads to bed.
After the first week at work, a "your mum" joke made by Stu backfires after Frank turns down an invitation for a night out. Frank instinctively responds, untruthfully, by saying that his mum is dead. Stu believes Frank, though, and offers to buy him drinks all night if he goes out on Saturday. Frank agrees on the condition that Anton, who he claims is his brother, gets free drinks as well. Out of guilt, Stu accepts.
Anton and Frank meet up with Stu and his crew, who are incredibly late in showing up. Anton immediately shows his anger and agitation towards their lateness and immediately targets Stu and one of the other crew members, DJ Malfunktion, to vent his frustration. However, as the evening continues Anton starts to bond with Stu's crew and suggests he becomes a member, forwarding the name Al-Qaeda for the collective. Stu's crew are unsure, but give Anton a chance to prove himself with a "sick rap". Anton performs well and is accepted into the ranks. Frank walks away as Anton and Stu's crew continue to bond, and bumps into an attractive woman called Anne-Marie. Both of them are immediately attracted to each other as they get talking, however, Anne-Marie's friend is horrendously drunk and ruins the moment for the two of them, so both go their separate ways.
As Anton, Frank and Stu's crew wait in the queue for Liquid nightclub, Stu informs Frank that he will attempt the "round and down", a borderline sexual assault manoeuvre, on a girl he fancies in the club. Frank warns Stu that this might be a bad idea, but Stu ignores the warnings, adamant that it will succeed.
In the club, Frank meets the girl Stu fancies - a shotgirl. Stu buys 10 shots off her and drinks them all for Dutch courage for the "round and down" he will be attempting. Frank and Anton then meet Nicola, a 21 year old WAG wannabe, who's sole-intention is to sleep with as many Crawley Town footballers as possible. Anton is completely besotted with her and displays extreme annoyance when she shows an instant liking to Frank; so much so that he storms off. Frank follows him and the two of them argue as Anton leaves the club.
As he's leaving he sees Stu, who's now sitting with the shotgirl and starting to attempt the "round and down". Just as his hand is on shotgirl's breast, Anton tells Stu that he's not Frank's brother and his mum isn't dead. Shocked at this revelation Stu starts to look queasy and shotgirl turns around and faces Stu as his hand is placed on her breast. Stu then throws up on shotgirl.
Frank follows Anton out of the club and the two continue to argue, which leads to Anton chucking Frank's keys away, before he walks off. Frank then meets Anne-Marie again, who has also been left by her friend, and they end up going back to her place. However, they don't have sex, they instead just enjoy each other's company.
In the morning, Frank wakes up with Anne-Marie, who informs him that she's barely just turned 18 and heading to university in a few weeks time. Both reluctantly decide to leave things as they are and Frank heads back to the flat, where the front door is wide open, Anton passed out on the sofa in his pants with kebab meat on his bare chest. As Frank enters his bedroom he finds a note on his door from Anton saying sorry. Frank sighs and heads to bed.
Sunday 18 July 2010
'I'm Not Enjoying This' Character Study: Anton Sinclair
Anton Sinclair is an incredibly complicated, yet incredibly simple man. Such a dichotomy naturally makes Anton an enigma. It's not clear whether he is actually in control of his mouth, or his actions, which makes events that unfold around him even more mystifying to those who are involved or witness them. Anton finds it incredibly easy to unwittingly agitate people; with very few words, even less effort, and in a very short space of time, he can burrow beneath the thickest of skin. Sometimes, though, Anton can be so grating that he actually wears people down into submission, and eventual friendship. Anton is equally as oblivious to any warmth he generates or receives, though, and tends to treat such behaviour with disdain.
He's just generally oblivious to everything. But he seems to get by. No one really knows how, but he just does.
He's just generally oblivious to everything. But he seems to get by. No one really knows how, but he just does.
'I'm Not Enjoying This' Character Study: Frank Sinclair
Frank is a mid-twenties graduate, but has lost his way since graduating from university. That is if he ever actually had a way. He's never really known what direction in which to take his life. Now, having achieved a degree in English literature, Frank soon realised that his rather vague, non-vocational qualification didn't automatically solve his problem. As a result, he just allowed himself to float along in a trance of confusion, hopping between pointless and irrelevant temp jobs as the years began to stack up.
At the start of the first series, Frank moves in with his older cousin, Anton, a move more out of necessity than choice. This is because Frank is an unassuming, modest and self-effacing man who would relish a life in the background, staying quiet and avoiding awkward or embarrassing situations.
Anton, however, would not. Frank's life is about to change, whether he likes it or not.
At the start of the first series, Frank moves in with his older cousin, Anton, a move more out of necessity than choice. This is because Frank is an unassuming, modest and self-effacing man who would relish a life in the background, staying quiet and avoiding awkward or embarrassing situations.
Anton, however, would not. Frank's life is about to change, whether he likes it or not.
Ian i-phone
Here's one of our sketches we wrote about 9 months ago. It's about a man called Ian, who just loves his i-phone. Ian is one of those typical young professionals working in London in something like sales or marketing, who likes to let everyone around him know that he has an i-phone. This would be through playing with it when talking to people or just looking at his i-phone the whole time during a meeting at work. It also tries to poke fun at people's obsession with something that is essentially just a bit of technology. P.S. Jack knows someone called Ian that has an i-phone - this is not about him. I like him.
Ext. On a train platform. A crowd of people are waiting for the train to arrive. Ian is having a normal conversation with someone in the crowd.
IAN
Sorry I just need to say something.
Ian gets out a megaphone and stands on a nearby bench.
IAN
I'd just like to say that I, Ian, have an i-phone. (Gets out i-phone) Look at it! Isn't it amazing? God, you're all such knobs. I'm definitely a lot cooler than everyone here, unless you have an i-phone too, but I’ve probably got more apps, so I'm still cooler. If you don't get one then you'll continue to be a knob and feel worthless. You're all fucking pathetic. You there, show me your phone. Look at it, it’s pathetic. You are a pathetic man. I’m going to take a picture of my dick and send it to your wife to show her what a real man looks like. You’re all boring me now with your shit phones, so I'm going to play with my i-phone and send tweets about how many knobs there are at the train station. Don’t disturb me!
Puts away megaphone and gets down from the bench returning to his friend in the crowd.
IAN
Sorry about that mate, you were saying........
Ext. On a train platform. A crowd of people are waiting for the train to arrive. Ian is having a normal conversation with someone in the crowd.
IAN
Sorry I just need to say something.
Ian gets out a megaphone and stands on a nearby bench.
IAN
I'd just like to say that I, Ian, have an i-phone. (Gets out i-phone) Look at it! Isn't it amazing? God, you're all such knobs. I'm definitely a lot cooler than everyone here, unless you have an i-phone too, but I’ve probably got more apps, so I'm still cooler. If you don't get one then you'll continue to be a knob and feel worthless. You're all fucking pathetic. You there, show me your phone. Look at it, it’s pathetic. You are a pathetic man. I’m going to take a picture of my dick and send it to your wife to show her what a real man looks like. You’re all boring me now with your shit phones, so I'm going to play with my i-phone and send tweets about how many knobs there are at the train station. Don’t disturb me!
Puts away megaphone and gets down from the bench returning to his friend in the crowd.
IAN
Sorry about that mate, you were saying........
Saturday 17 July 2010
Facebook foetus?
Read a weird story this week, apparently pointless scientists have developed a device that gives Facebook status updates from babies as they're in the womb.
The device is attached to the pregnant mum's stomach and everytime there's movement a status will appear on Facebook from the foetus saying something along the lines of "Baby has kicked!"
Bit strange? Imagine the status when the baby comes into the world for the first time - "Just come out of mum, slightly disturbed. Never want to do that again.....LOL!"
The device is attached to the pregnant mum's stomach and everytime there's movement a status will appear on Facebook from the foetus saying something along the lines of "Baby has kicked!"
Bit strange? Imagine the status when the baby comes into the world for the first time - "Just come out of mum, slightly disturbed. Never want to do that again.....LOL!"
Wednesday 14 July 2010
Welcome to 'I'm Not Enjoying This'
Rob and I started writing 'I'm Not Enjoying This' around 7 months ago and since then it has gone from strength-to-strength. We have now completed a first series and firmly believe that what we've written is genuinely worthy of success - but I guess all writers think that about their work!
The first series focuses on Frank, the main character, a mid-twenties university graduate who has emerged back into society with no idea about what to do with his life (a common theme for many graduates and young people up and down the country at the moment). He moves with his unpredictable, somewhat mysterious cousin, Anton, who is in his late twenties and seems to attract awkward and embarrassing situations upon himself and those around him, sometimes much to his enjoyment. The series, set in the town of Crawley, follows these two people as they struggle to make sense of life and find some way to be happy, comfortable and successful.
The character of Frank is the focal point for the sitcom. We try to make the audience identify with him and the situations that he finds himself in, which are usually through no fault of his own. The situations are often as a result of Anton, a character that remains somewhat of an enigma to the audience and who's unpredictable nature often keeps Frank and the audience on its toes. Additonally there are other characters that come into Frank's life and have an impact on him in their own special way.
So that's the vague introduction, keep posted for further updates about 'I'm not enjoying this', including character introductions, extracts from series 1 and a series synopsis. We'll also have our general thoughts and musings about this wonderful life, along with some of our earlier comedy sketches which we will unearth from the archive.
In the meantime if you'd like to read through the Pilot episode, feel free to contact us at inet1@hotmail.co.uk and we'll send it through to you. We would love any feedback about our work from anyone interested.
The first series focuses on Frank, the main character, a mid-twenties university graduate who has emerged back into society with no idea about what to do with his life (a common theme for many graduates and young people up and down the country at the moment). He moves with his unpredictable, somewhat mysterious cousin, Anton, who is in his late twenties and seems to attract awkward and embarrassing situations upon himself and those around him, sometimes much to his enjoyment. The series, set in the town of Crawley, follows these two people as they struggle to make sense of life and find some way to be happy, comfortable and successful.
The character of Frank is the focal point for the sitcom. We try to make the audience identify with him and the situations that he finds himself in, which are usually through no fault of his own. The situations are often as a result of Anton, a character that remains somewhat of an enigma to the audience and who's unpredictable nature often keeps Frank and the audience on its toes. Additonally there are other characters that come into Frank's life and have an impact on him in their own special way.
So that's the vague introduction, keep posted for further updates about 'I'm not enjoying this', including character introductions, extracts from series 1 and a series synopsis. We'll also have our general thoughts and musings about this wonderful life, along with some of our earlier comedy sketches which we will unearth from the archive.
In the meantime if you'd like to read through the Pilot episode, feel free to contact us at inet1@hotmail.co.uk and we'll send it through to you. We would love any feedback about our work from anyone interested.
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