Following Luis Suarez's refusal to shake hands with Patrice Evra at the weekend, the UK police has announced that those refusing to shake hands with their victims will be given a harsh prison sentence.
In a move likely to stun the British public, the refusal to shake hands with victims of crime will get a harsher punishment than the initial physical violence or racist abuse.
A spokesperson for the police comments:
"The Suarez-Evra affair taught us one thing, the handshake is vital. It's all very well if you physically hurt someone or racially abuse them but not shaking the victim's hand is out of order and WILL NOT be tolerated. That demands an instant apology or punishment, more so than the initial crime."
A culprit of the crime said:
"I racially abused a random black fella the other day. I refused to apologise to him for this. It was his fault, he was black. As a compromise for my refusal to apologise, the police ordered me to shake my victim's hand, but I refused again. The police went mental, put me on the floor and forced me to apologise for refusing to shake his hand, so I did. Why didn't they react like that when I did the actual racist abuse?!"
The new law, known as the Kenny-Suarez Law, will come into play this week, with anyone refusing to shake hands being sent straight to court in a move similar to those involved in the riots last year.
One person taking advantage of this new wave of public opinion for handshakes is Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez who has yet to apologise for refusing to play against Bayern Munich but blamed his problems with the club on the fact he didn't shake hands with Mancini before the game.
Kia Joorabchian, Tevez's mouthpiece, said "Carlos now realises he was in the wrong. He didn't shake Mancini's hand before the match. That's why he was so pissed off - it's so clear to us now! Nothing to do with his refusal to warm-up and come on as a substitute. It was the lack of handshake! Tevez apologises for this. So to clarify Tevez apologises for the handshake and NOT for his refusal to play in the match. There problem over. Let's move on."
Monday 13 February 2012
Sunday 5 February 2012
Facebook Spies Take Leave Due To Snow Updates
The multi-billion dollar spying network known as 'Facebook' is reported to have sent home as much as 97% of its workforce today, maintaining a skeleton crew to keep the website ticking over, as all everyone on the website is talking about is the snow.
A disappointed insider sighed 'when Facebook is running under normal conditions everyone in our network will happily share every single boring and mundane detail about their life. We don't even need to pressure them, it's just natural human behaviour to take a picture of your dinner and upload it, to take a 'wacky' photo of yourself wearing 3D glasses in the cinema and to post a thousand check-ins on your Saturday night out with all your friends tagged in so that everyone knows that you're out and that you have friends. People like to show off in public, even if it means going on Facebook during an apparently amazing night out. Obviously, we've been storing all of this information for years and selling it on to other relevant companies for use in targeted advertising.'
As tears started to well up in the insider's eyes, he or she continued; 'but as soon as it starts snowing everything changes. Everyone rushes to their computer or laptop, or grabs their phone in order to write a status update that it is indeed snowing outside, just so that everyone knows. Before long, this snowballs and news feeds everywhere are blanketed in a blizzard of snow related updates. There's nothing sadder than seeing the words "316 of your friends have commented about the snow". This is then followed by a flurry of photos of houses, back gardens and parks covered in snow, by people doing snow angels, by pictures of snowball fights and giant snow penises. It's the same every winter; it was nice the first time, but now it's hurting us, emotionally and financially. We can't sell that kind of information! It's just not fair!'
The insider soon cheered up, however, when he learned that the snow was starting to thaw, that normal service would resume and that the spies would be returning in a day or so to monitor the lives of Facebook users posting updates about things as boring as - snow.
A disappointed insider sighed 'when Facebook is running under normal conditions everyone in our network will happily share every single boring and mundane detail about their life. We don't even need to pressure them, it's just natural human behaviour to take a picture of your dinner and upload it, to take a 'wacky' photo of yourself wearing 3D glasses in the cinema and to post a thousand check-ins on your Saturday night out with all your friends tagged in so that everyone knows that you're out and that you have friends. People like to show off in public, even if it means going on Facebook during an apparently amazing night out. Obviously, we've been storing all of this information for years and selling it on to other relevant companies for use in targeted advertising.'
As tears started to well up in the insider's eyes, he or she continued; 'but as soon as it starts snowing everything changes. Everyone rushes to their computer or laptop, or grabs their phone in order to write a status update that it is indeed snowing outside, just so that everyone knows. Before long, this snowballs and news feeds everywhere are blanketed in a blizzard of snow related updates. There's nothing sadder than seeing the words "316 of your friends have commented about the snow". This is then followed by a flurry of photos of houses, back gardens and parks covered in snow, by people doing snow angels, by pictures of snowball fights and giant snow penises. It's the same every winter; it was nice the first time, but now it's hurting us, emotionally and financially. We can't sell that kind of information! It's just not fair!'
The insider soon cheered up, however, when he learned that the snow was starting to thaw, that normal service would resume and that the spies would be returning in a day or so to monitor the lives of Facebook users posting updates about things as boring as - snow.
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