Cameron advises Sir Alex on Kneejerk Reaction to Manchester Derby

David Cameron has offered his specialist advise to Sir Alex Ferguson after Manchester United's humbling defeat to Manchester City.

The Prime Minister has advised Sir Alex to provide a kneejerk reaction to the incident, similar to the Coalition government's stance against the rioters in August.

Speaking in the Daily Mail, Mr Cameron said, "Much like how we dealt with the rioters, Sir Alex must seek an appropriate scapegoat to blame for the awful mess. I have drawn up a list which includes Anderson, Evans, Ferdinand and Evra."

"My personal recommendation would be Rio Ferdinand as he comes from a single parent background and was brought up on a council estate."

He continues, "My next step would be to make the entire Manchester United squad work double shifts and not be allowed holiday, just like we did with the police, with the similar threat of chronic cuts in the next few months."

"Once Sir Alex has annoyed his players, I would then do insincere photocalls to prove that both you and them are all in this together. This will gain popularity from the public and cement his position as a great leader of men."

David Cameron's advice has been echoed in numerous football forums with "fans" offering similar kneejerk responses. One fan called RedKev69 said: "Fergies lost it. He dsnt kno wot hes doin. He needs to go b4 he ruins da club I luv."

While another, StretfordSteve69, said: "We need to do away with da hole squad. Every1 needs to go. Esp da midfield and defense. Phil Jones is shit. I knw I said he woz da nxt Duncan Edwards a few wks ago, but hes not, hes shit."

Operation Kneejerk seems to be gathering momentum within the Old Trafford faithful, with many stating that the "tide is turning" and they need to "do something quick" before Manchester City win the Premier League, the Champions League, the FA Cup, the League Cup, the Europa League, the European Cup Winners Cup, the European Super Cup, the World Club Cup, the Johnstone's Paint Trophy, the FA Trophy and the Anglo-Italian Cup, before raping their wives and abusing their children.

Dale Farm evictions attracts more viewers than Big Brother evictions

Channel 5 are said to be furious after the Dale Farm evictions attracted more viewers than any of the Big Brother evictions, including the Celebrity ones.

Despite Richard Desmond putting numerous crappy Big Brother stories on the front page of the newspapers he owns, the Daily Star and Daily Express, the reality TV show has only just managed to beat the ratings of The Farm episode, when Rebecca Loos wanked off a pig.

In retaliation one of Desmond's newspapers the Daily Star is set to take pictures up the skirts of the women gypsy travelers as they leave Dale Farm, while the Daily Express will run their usual benefit scum, "they will give you cancer", "I wish Diana was still here", "this is the fault of the EU" news article about the Dale Farm travelers.

Channel 5 bosses are rapidly trying to think of ideas to stop this slump in Big Brother ratings, with one suggestion being that they house the Dale Farm travelers in the Big Brother house before evicting them one by one.

One Channel 5 employee claimed that it could be "the most exciting Big Brother in years" if they evicted the travelers and would offer the public "pure entertainment."

However, the channel could face stiff competition from ITV, with Simon Cowell wanting to add the gypsy travelers as a new group to the X-Factor competition to improve the programme's recent poor ratings.

This week's news.......

- England Rugby team lose to France in the quarter finals after three players steal the referee's radio and made lewd comments down it, instead of playing rugby. Posh people are hilarious!

- Rooney gets sent off after Dad and Uncle put on bet during Montenegro-England match.

- Amanda Knox is released from prison on the proviso of two bunga-bunga sessions with Berlusconi.

- The pioneer of Apple passes away. RIP Granny Smith.

- George Osborne panics after he hears that there's no more Jobs.

- Daily Mail to sue new film Contagion after it steals the newspaper's tagline "Nothing spreads like fear."

- Heather Mills gets blind drunk during McCartney wedding. Eyewitnesses at the pub said she was "legless."

- X-Factor announces a twist. None of the contestants are actually that talented.