Businessman John helps another friend in need with another "once in a lifetime" business offer.
Int. A personal office. John is sat behind his desk looking over some papers. A friend of his knocks on the door and lets himself in. He is looking very glum. John stands up and approaches his friend with a smile and a firm handshake.
John: Hello sir, how can I help you today?
Friend: Look, John, we’ve been mates for years now, so I know I can trust you – I’ve got a serious problem –
John: I don’t deal in problems, sir, I deal in solutions. Now tell me, are you satisfied with your internet connection?
Friend: What?
John: Does you current internet connection satisfy your demands? Is it performing efficiently?
Friend: Look, John, I’ve just been released on bail, I’m in serious trouble here
John: OK, yes, I understand that, sir, but let me just show you some these figures and let’s see if we can sort you out an upgrade for you.
John pulls out a folder from a drawer in his desk and opens it up. His friend shakes his head in disappointment and leaves the office. John looks puzzled.
John: That’s strange – some friend he is.
Tuesday 31 August 2010
Saturday 28 August 2010
WHY News: The "All-American" Newsroom
We hate Republicans and this sketch reflects the typical right-wing news channel in America. These news channels are so over-the-top that no-one can really take them seriously (think of the Daily Mail and then times it by 100). They often don't even report news, but rather give opinions about why other people are socialist, terrorists or don't love America as much as they do. So we decided to take a satirical look at this with a comedy sketch.
Int. The introduction of WHY news.
American voiceover: Welcome to WHY news with our all-American team. Lead anchor Chuck Manmeister.
Chuck Manmeister poses as he's about to throw an American football and has a cheesy grin.
American voiceover: Foreign news correspondent Champ McCarthy.
Champ McCarthy poses with a terrorist in a headlock before giving the thumbs up and continually punching him in the head.
American voiceover: Political correspondent Cleetus Inbred.
Shot of Cleetus Inbred who's a stupid looking man with teeth missing, a red neck, chewing tobacco, wearing dungerees, with a white KKK hood stuffed in his front pocket.
American voiceover: And our weatherman Jim Tornado.
Jim Tornado poses with an umbrella, hitting random black people as they try and escape floods.
American voiceover: THIS IS WHY NEWS!!!!
Powerful entrance music starts to play. Camera pans to the lead anchor Chuck Manmeister.
Chuck Manmeister: Good evening America. The top story this hour. Muslim terrorist Barack Hussein Obama passes evil socialist healthcare reforms for America. This will give all Americans the opportunity to have free healthcare. BABYKILLER!!!
Int. The introduction of WHY news.
American voiceover: Welcome to WHY news with our all-American team. Lead anchor Chuck Manmeister.
Chuck Manmeister poses as he's about to throw an American football and has a cheesy grin.
American voiceover: Foreign news correspondent Champ McCarthy.
Champ McCarthy poses with a terrorist in a headlock before giving the thumbs up and continually punching him in the head.
American voiceover: Political correspondent Cleetus Inbred.
Shot of Cleetus Inbred who's a stupid looking man with teeth missing, a red neck, chewing tobacco, wearing dungerees, with a white KKK hood stuffed in his front pocket.
American voiceover: And our weatherman Jim Tornado.
Jim Tornado poses with an umbrella, hitting random black people as they try and escape floods.
American voiceover: THIS IS WHY NEWS!!!!
Powerful entrance music starts to play. Camera pans to the lead anchor Chuck Manmeister.
Chuck Manmeister: Good evening America. The top story this hour. Muslim terrorist Barack Hussein Obama passes evil socialist healthcare reforms for America. This will give all Americans the opportunity to have free healthcare. BABYKILLER!!!
Thursday 26 August 2010
Ian i-phone: Basic DIY
This time our good friend Ian i-phone tries to do some basic DIY, but doesn't want to use any tools and instead chooses to only rely on his precious i-phone.
Int. Ian’s girlfriend walks in to the bedroom. There’s DIY equipment everywhere. Ian is playing on his i-phone laughing as he plays with the drink a pint app.
Girlfriend: What the hell are you doing? I thought you were sorting all of this out. You’ve done nothing.
Ian: Yes I have. The shelves are straight - I used my i-phone to sort that out.
Girlfriend: No you haven’t, the shelves aren’t up yet.
Ian: Well there’s no app to put the shelves up.
Girlfriend: What?
Ian: There’s no screwdriver app or hammer app. I can make the shelves straight, but there’s no way I can put it up without the proper app.
Girlfriend: (With a look of absolute disgust on her face) How about you just use an actual screwdriver and hammer?
Ian: (With a look on his face that suggests she’s just made a ridiculous suggestion) I’ll see what I can do (Looks through his i-phone to see if there are any apps for DIY available).
Girlfriend: (Walks off muttering to herself) What's the point?!
15 minutes later Ian’s girlfriend walks back into the room. Ian has attached a screw into his i-phone and is trying to put up the shelves before using it as a hammer.
Girlfriend: For fuck’s sake (Walks off).
Int. Ian’s girlfriend walks in to the bedroom. There’s DIY equipment everywhere. Ian is playing on his i-phone laughing as he plays with the drink a pint app.
Girlfriend: What the hell are you doing? I thought you were sorting all of this out. You’ve done nothing.
Ian: Yes I have. The shelves are straight - I used my i-phone to sort that out.
Girlfriend: No you haven’t, the shelves aren’t up yet.
Ian: Well there’s no app to put the shelves up.
Girlfriend: What?
Ian: There’s no screwdriver app or hammer app. I can make the shelves straight, but there’s no way I can put it up without the proper app.
Girlfriend: (With a look of absolute disgust on her face) How about you just use an actual screwdriver and hammer?
Ian: (With a look on his face that suggests she’s just made a ridiculous suggestion) I’ll see what I can do (Looks through his i-phone to see if there are any apps for DIY available).
Girlfriend: (Walks off muttering to herself) What's the point?!
15 minutes later Ian’s girlfriend walks back into the room. Ian has attached a screw into his i-phone and is trying to put up the shelves before using it as a hammer.
Girlfriend: For fuck’s sake (Walks off).
Wednesday 25 August 2010
Girlfriend Stopwatch #3
The Girlfriend Stopwatch returns and this time we're at a wedding, as a very drunk man called Clive tries it on with Celia, who, unfortunately for Clive, has a boyfriend that she really wuvs!
Int. Wedding reception. A drunk man holding a near-empty pint glass goes up to a girl standing by herself with a wine glass in her hand.
Man: Hi, how are you doing? Enjoyed the wedding?
Woman: Yes I did thanks, was a beautiful ceremony. So glad I came! What’s your name?
Man: Clive, yours?
Woman: Celia.
Man: Celia! What a lovely name! So do you know the bride or groom?
Woman: I know the groom from my boyfriend (Girlfriend stopwatch begins). He was friends with him at Uni, but he can’t be here today because he has work affairs to take care of unfortunately. I wasn’t going to go but thought what the hell, may as well! (Chuckles to herself) I’m really missing him though.
Man starts to look queasy.
Woman: He’s such a lovely man. Can’t wait till we get married. It’s going to be an amazing day (Man looks more queasy). I’ve got it all planned. I know where we’re going to have it. Who my bridesmaids will be. My vows. Just got to wait for him to propose, which will hopefully be soon, fingers cros….
Man throws up on the woman. The countdown clock stops at 25 seconds.
Man: I think you’re boyfriend should sort that out.
Man walks off as the woman stands at the reception covered in sick.
Int. Wedding reception. A drunk man holding a near-empty pint glass goes up to a girl standing by herself with a wine glass in her hand.
Man: Hi, how are you doing? Enjoyed the wedding?
Woman: Yes I did thanks, was a beautiful ceremony. So glad I came! What’s your name?
Man: Clive, yours?
Woman: Celia.
Man: Celia! What a lovely name! So do you know the bride or groom?
Woman: I know the groom from my boyfriend (Girlfriend stopwatch begins). He was friends with him at Uni, but he can’t be here today because he has work affairs to take care of unfortunately. I wasn’t going to go but thought what the hell, may as well! (Chuckles to herself) I’m really missing him though.
Man starts to look queasy.
Woman: He’s such a lovely man. Can’t wait till we get married. It’s going to be an amazing day (Man looks more queasy). I’ve got it all planned. I know where we’re going to have it. Who my bridesmaids will be. My vows. Just got to wait for him to propose, which will hopefully be soon, fingers cros….
Man throws up on the woman. The countdown clock stops at 25 seconds.
Man: I think you’re boyfriend should sort that out.
Man walks off as the woman stands at the reception covered in sick.
Tuesday 24 August 2010
WEHELPWANKERS Charity Appeal Number Two
Another charity appeal from WEHELPWANKERS. This time we need to help the poor bankers.
Int. A blank screen appears with the words “An urgent appeal to the charitable members of British society.” Slow, emotional music plays over a montage of pictures of city workers in economic strife.
The shot fades into a serious looking man dressed in a suit.
Man in suit: Good day to you. As I am sure you are aware we have all been hit with troublesome financial times of late. Amidst all of the confusion and accusations, however, a certain subsection of society has been forgotten, cruelly left behind to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. Richard used to enjoy getting off his face everyday after work at various Champagne bars, but now he can only afford to get drunk 3 or 4 times a week at a regular pub in the City. No longer will Richard be able to visit a strip clubs afterwards, instead he has to stumble home leaving his life unfulfilled and empty. Suffering like this has to stop. Poor Richard can’t even remember what real champagne tastes like, the only taste in his mouth is premium beer and bitter tears. WEHELPWANKERS is doing everything possible to help people like Richard, but need your help to make those affected smile again. So, please help us out and make sure people like Richard visit plenty more Champagne bars and strip clubs in the future. Thank you.
Int. A blank screen appears with the words “An urgent appeal to the charitable members of British society.” Slow, emotional music plays over a montage of pictures of city workers in economic strife.
The shot fades into a serious looking man dressed in a suit.
Man in suit: Good day to you. As I am sure you are aware we have all been hit with troublesome financial times of late. Amidst all of the confusion and accusations, however, a certain subsection of society has been forgotten, cruelly left behind to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. Richard used to enjoy getting off his face everyday after work at various Champagne bars, but now he can only afford to get drunk 3 or 4 times a week at a regular pub in the City. No longer will Richard be able to visit a strip clubs afterwards, instead he has to stumble home leaving his life unfulfilled and empty. Suffering like this has to stop. Poor Richard can’t even remember what real champagne tastes like, the only taste in his mouth is premium beer and bitter tears. WEHELPWANKERS is doing everything possible to help people like Richard, but need your help to make those affected smile again. So, please help us out and make sure people like Richard visit plenty more Champagne bars and strip clubs in the future. Thank you.
Wednesday 18 August 2010
Daily Mail World: Exam Results Day
The exam results for A-Level students are out tomorrow so we thought we'd include a sketch about what would happen on results day if we all lived in Daily Mail World.
Int. At a school on exam results day. The words ‘Daily Mail World’ are captioned briefly at the bottom of the screen. The camera goes to students getting their exam results. They’re all happy with what they got, hugging each other, giving each other high-fives and words of congratulations.
Suddenly the ground starts to shake and hundreds of people from Daily Mail World come running into the school shouting, screaming and generally going mental.
Daily Mail World people: EXAMS ARE GETTING EASIER! THE QUESTIONS ARE SIMPLE! IT’S A DISGRACE! NO WONDER THE YOUTH OF TODAY AMOUNT TO NOTHING!
Daily Mail World person grabs someone’s exam results paper and rips it up.
Daily Mail World person (Shouting): THIS MEANS NOTHING!!!!
The Daily Mail world people leave the school. The students look visibly upset and a few girls start crying.
Int. At a school on exam results day. The words ‘Daily Mail World’ are captioned briefly at the bottom of the screen. The camera goes to students getting their exam results. They’re all happy with what they got, hugging each other, giving each other high-fives and words of congratulations.
Suddenly the ground starts to shake and hundreds of people from Daily Mail World come running into the school shouting, screaming and generally going mental.
Daily Mail World people: EXAMS ARE GETTING EASIER! THE QUESTIONS ARE SIMPLE! IT’S A DISGRACE! NO WONDER THE YOUTH OF TODAY AMOUNT TO NOTHING!
Daily Mail World person grabs someone’s exam results paper and rips it up.
Daily Mail World person (Shouting): THIS MEANS NOTHING!!!!
The Daily Mail world people leave the school. The students look visibly upset and a few girls start crying.
Monday 16 August 2010
Ian i-phone: Girlfriend walk-in
Another scene with Ian i-phone who once again shows how much he loves his i-phone - maybe a bit too much.
Int. Ian's girlfriend walks into the bedroom and finds Ian masturbating whilst holding his i-phone.
Girlfriend: Oh my God! What are you doing?
Ian: Errrrrmmmmmm, nothing.
Girlfriend: What are you looking at then? Is it porn?
Ian: No!
Gf: That's rubbish! Let me see (Looks at i-phone). The screen is blank, it’s not even turned on.
Ian: Yeah, I know.
Girlfriend: So you were wanking over your i-phone?
Ian: Well....yeah. What else would I be wanking over? (Starts laughing to himself)
Girlfriend walks off in disgust. Ian looks at his i-Phone and starts masturbating again.
Int. Ian's girlfriend walks into the bedroom and finds Ian masturbating whilst holding his i-phone.
Girlfriend: Oh my God! What are you doing?
Ian: Errrrrmmmmmm, nothing.
Girlfriend: What are you looking at then? Is it porn?
Ian: No!
Gf: That's rubbish! Let me see (Looks at i-phone). The screen is blank, it’s not even turned on.
Ian: Yeah, I know.
Girlfriend: So you were wanking over your i-phone?
Ian: Well....yeah. What else would I be wanking over? (Starts laughing to himself)
Girlfriend walks off in disgust. Ian looks at his i-Phone and starts masturbating again.
Sunday 15 August 2010
Facebook Couple: Part 6
Death comes to us all, sadly. In part 6 of the Facebook Couple, the guy has sadly passed away, leaving his darling girl behind as a widow.
Ext. A graveyard at a funeral. The girl is standing by the graveside decked out in full mourning dress. A small crowd similarly dressed in black stand behind her, some crying, some looking ahead at nothing while other look at the ground. She throws a rose into the open grave and dabs her eyes with a tissue. She pulls out her phone and types and taps.
Girl: is just utterly broken hearted, completely and utter devastated. How can a person carry on living after this?
A girl friend behind her pulls out her phone and reads before typing and talking.
Friend: Babe you ok? What’s up? Wana talk about it? Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss.
The girl stands silently for a while before getting her phone out again. She reads, then types and talks.
Girl: It’s too private to talk about on here babe, will PM you in a bit when he’s buried and tell you what’s up.
The girl looks into the grave again and sighs heavily.
Girl: See ya later, I guess.
The girl walks away. The rest of the crowd stand still respectfully for a moment or two, before breaking up and walking away too. They all pull out their phones and start typing and talking.
Ext. A graveyard at a funeral. The girl is standing by the graveside decked out in full mourning dress. A small crowd similarly dressed in black stand behind her, some crying, some looking ahead at nothing while other look at the ground. She throws a rose into the open grave and dabs her eyes with a tissue. She pulls out her phone and types and taps.
Girl: is just utterly broken hearted, completely and utter devastated. How can a person carry on living after this?
A girl friend behind her pulls out her phone and reads before typing and talking.
Friend: Babe you ok? What’s up? Wana talk about it? Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss.
The girl stands silently for a while before getting her phone out again. She reads, then types and talks.
Girl: It’s too private to talk about on here babe, will PM you in a bit when he’s buried and tell you what’s up.
The girl looks into the grave again and sighs heavily.
Girl: See ya later, I guess.
The girl walks away. The rest of the crowd stand still respectfully for a moment or two, before breaking up and walking away too. They all pull out their phones and start typing and talking.
Facebook Couple: Part 5
In part five of the Facebook Couple, the two lovers are now retired and extremely bored. Boredom usually leads to nothing interesting, nothing of note to share. But that doesn't usually stop people on Facebook sharing what's going on in their lives, and the Facebook Couple are the leaders of the pack.
Int. A living room. The Facebook couple are sitting down in separate armchairs, now visibly aged and grey haired. The room is silent with the exception of the faint chatter of a talk radio station coming out of the radio. The couple just stare ahead into the space ahead of them. The guy picks up his phone and motions to type, but has to think first.
Guy: is...erm...question mark confused face.
The guy puts his phone down and lets out a heavy sigh. The girl picks up her phone and starts to visibly think heavily. She starts to type.
Girl: is...dot...dot...dot
The girl puts her phone down and sighs heavily. They both continue to sit in near silence. The guy looks around the room with indifference.
Guy: When did we retire again?
Girl: Fifteen years ago.
Guy: Huh.
The guy drums his fingers on the arm of the chair before picking up his phone again. He wants to type but is evidently drawing a blank.
Guy: I just don’t know what to say. I can’t think of anything to update with.
Girl: Same.
Guy: Well I guess we don’t have to update our status? Maybe people don’t care that much about every little thing we think of, or the tedious details of our lives? I mean, it can get pretty boring. No one likes boring.
Girl ponders this comment, as does the guy. Girl picks up her phone and starts typing.
Girl: is bored.
The guy hurriedly picks up his phone and presses the screen a few times.
Guy: Like!
Int. A living room. The Facebook couple are sitting down in separate armchairs, now visibly aged and grey haired. The room is silent with the exception of the faint chatter of a talk radio station coming out of the radio. The couple just stare ahead into the space ahead of them. The guy picks up his phone and motions to type, but has to think first.
Guy: is...erm...question mark confused face.
The guy puts his phone down and lets out a heavy sigh. The girl picks up her phone and starts to visibly think heavily. She starts to type.
Girl: is...dot...dot...dot
The girl puts her phone down and sighs heavily. They both continue to sit in near silence. The guy looks around the room with indifference.
Guy: When did we retire again?
Girl: Fifteen years ago.
Guy: Huh.
The guy drums his fingers on the arm of the chair before picking up his phone again. He wants to type but is evidently drawing a blank.
Guy: I just don’t know what to say. I can’t think of anything to update with.
Girl: Same.
Guy: Well I guess we don’t have to update our status? Maybe people don’t care that much about every little thing we think of, or the tedious details of our lives? I mean, it can get pretty boring. No one likes boring.
Girl ponders this comment, as does the guy. Girl picks up her phone and starts typing.
Girl: is bored.
The guy hurriedly picks up his phone and presses the screen a few times.
Guy: Like!
Saturday 14 August 2010
Man In Little White Pants - End of the Night
The man in little white pants continues to get rejected in situations where it appears impossible to get rejected. This time he tries his luck with a rather slutty woman at the end of a night out.
Int. A bar dance-floor. It’s the end of the night and groups of friends or coupled up people are slowly starting to leave the venue and head home to either continue or end the night. A hideously drunken woman is scurrying around various groups of men in pure desperation.
Woman: All right lads, anyone want to carry on the party at my place? It’s guaranteed.
Man 1: No it’s fine thanks, love.
Woman: Oh come on – I guarantee you you’re end up.
Man 1: We’re fine, thanks.
Woman: Faggots.
The woman turns her attention to a man standing on his own just off the dance-floor. She wobbles over.
Woman: Hey handsome, you want to carry on partying at mine? Just the two of us.
Man: Sorry, I’m just waiting for my girlfriend. She’s in the toilet.
Woman: Oh forget about her, just come with me.
Man: No chance. Can you leave me alone now, please?
Woman: I bet she’s in the gents then, because she must be a man because you’re a faggot.
The woman walks away and heads towards a group of guys putting their coats on and walking off.
Woman: Guys, where you going? Let’s all jump in a cab and go back to mine. I’ll take you all on for God’s sake. I’ll let you all have a turn….please!!
The group of guys just continue to walk, whispering and laughing privately to themselves.
Woman: Going home to listen to George Michael are you? Gonna go and suck each other off eh? Faggots.
The woman turns around to see a man in his little white pants is standing in the middle of the dance-floor, his clothes in a pile on the floor behind him. He smiles suggestively and holds his hands out slightly, offering himself up. The woman stands still and gulps in disgust. She looks around one final time – there is nobody else in the building except bar staff cleaning up.
Woman: Sorry, love, but I don’t just take anyone home.
The woman walks off. The man stands still for a second or two, his shoulders slumped and his face void of any expression. He picks up his clothes and walks off.
Int. A bar dance-floor. It’s the end of the night and groups of friends or coupled up people are slowly starting to leave the venue and head home to either continue or end the night. A hideously drunken woman is scurrying around various groups of men in pure desperation.
Woman: All right lads, anyone want to carry on the party at my place? It’s guaranteed.
Man 1: No it’s fine thanks, love.
Woman: Oh come on – I guarantee you you’re end up.
Man 1: We’re fine, thanks.
Woman: Faggots.
The woman turns her attention to a man standing on his own just off the dance-floor. She wobbles over.
Woman: Hey handsome, you want to carry on partying at mine? Just the two of us.
Man: Sorry, I’m just waiting for my girlfriend. She’s in the toilet.
Woman: Oh forget about her, just come with me.
Man: No chance. Can you leave me alone now, please?
Woman: I bet she’s in the gents then, because she must be a man because you’re a faggot.
The woman walks away and heads towards a group of guys putting their coats on and walking off.
Woman: Guys, where you going? Let’s all jump in a cab and go back to mine. I’ll take you all on for God’s sake. I’ll let you all have a turn….please!!
The group of guys just continue to walk, whispering and laughing privately to themselves.
Woman: Going home to listen to George Michael are you? Gonna go and suck each other off eh? Faggots.
The woman turns around to see a man in his little white pants is standing in the middle of the dance-floor, his clothes in a pile on the floor behind him. He smiles suggestively and holds his hands out slightly, offering himself up. The woman stands still and gulps in disgust. She looks around one final time – there is nobody else in the building except bar staff cleaning up.
Woman: Sorry, love, but I don’t just take anyone home.
The woman walks off. The man stands still for a second or two, his shoulders slumped and his face void of any expression. He picks up his clothes and walks off.
Friday 13 August 2010
Gay Man/ Straight Man Split Screen
In a similar tone to 'Anthony The Gay Man', this split screen sketch compares the reactions of women to the behaviour of heterosexual men and a certain type of homosexual man. It just pokes a bit of fun at women who essentially get exploited by the flamboyant gay man. It's little wonder that the bond between gay men and women is so strong, because women let them get away with absolutely anything!
Int. One half of the screen. Straight man drunkenly grabbing girl’s breasts in a night club. She slaps him and he gets dragged out by the bouncer.
Other half of the screen. Gay man drunkenly grabbing girl’s breasts in a night club. She loves it and encourages it.
Girl: You’re such a laugh Simon! Hahahahahaha (laughing hysterically).
One half of the screen. A group of girls are in a room together at Uni. They overhear a straight man having sex with a girl. All of them look at each other with disgust.
Girl 1: Fucking hell! It’s disgusting. He’s at it all the time.
Girl 2 (bashing her fist on the wall): SHUT THE FUCK UP! (Shouting).
Other half of the screen. A group of girls are in a room together at Uni. They overhear a gay man having sex with another man. All of them look at each other laughing.
Girl 1: He’s such a man slut (giggling).
Girl 2: Shall I bang on the wall?
Girl 1: No don’t it’s cute.
The girls hear more sex noises and go “awwww” together in collective harmony.
One half of the screen. A girl walks into the lounge and there’s a used condom on the sofa. She knocks on a straight man’s door. He opens the door.
Girl: This is fucking disgusting Thomas. Can you throw your fucking used condoms in the bin you disgusting prick?! (Chucks used condom at him and walks down the stairs in a mood).
Other half of the screen. A girl walks into the lounge and there’s a used condom on the sofa. She knocks on a gay man’s door. He opens the door.
Girl: What’s this all about Simon? Another used condom on the sofa?
Simon: I’m sorry girl. I just got caught up in a moment of passion and shagged this amazing bloke right on the sofa. I feel so filthy and slutty. It was brilliant! (Starts laughing).
Girl: It’s ok Simon, I’ll throw it away, as long as you promise to fill me in on all the gory details later!
Simon: Of course, you know I always do (Laugh and give each other high fives). And whilst you’re there, can you clean this? (Gives the girl his dildo).
Girl: Sure babe (Grabs dildo and used condom and walks down the stairs).
Int. One half of the screen. Straight man drunkenly grabbing girl’s breasts in a night club. She slaps him and he gets dragged out by the bouncer.
Other half of the screen. Gay man drunkenly grabbing girl’s breasts in a night club. She loves it and encourages it.
Girl: You’re such a laugh Simon! Hahahahahaha (laughing hysterically).
One half of the screen. A group of girls are in a room together at Uni. They overhear a straight man having sex with a girl. All of them look at each other with disgust.
Girl 1: Fucking hell! It’s disgusting. He’s at it all the time.
Girl 2 (bashing her fist on the wall): SHUT THE FUCK UP! (Shouting).
Other half of the screen. A group of girls are in a room together at Uni. They overhear a gay man having sex with another man. All of them look at each other laughing.
Girl 1: He’s such a man slut (giggling).
Girl 2: Shall I bang on the wall?
Girl 1: No don’t it’s cute.
The girls hear more sex noises and go “awwww” together in collective harmony.
One half of the screen. A girl walks into the lounge and there’s a used condom on the sofa. She knocks on a straight man’s door. He opens the door.
Girl: This is fucking disgusting Thomas. Can you throw your fucking used condoms in the bin you disgusting prick?! (Chucks used condom at him and walks down the stairs in a mood).
Other half of the screen. A girl walks into the lounge and there’s a used condom on the sofa. She knocks on a gay man’s door. He opens the door.
Girl: What’s this all about Simon? Another used condom on the sofa?
Simon: I’m sorry girl. I just got caught up in a moment of passion and shagged this amazing bloke right on the sofa. I feel so filthy and slutty. It was brilliant! (Starts laughing).
Girl: It’s ok Simon, I’ll throw it away, as long as you promise to fill me in on all the gory details later!
Simon: Of course, you know I always do (Laugh and give each other high fives). And whilst you’re there, can you clean this? (Gives the girl his dildo).
Girl: Sure babe (Grabs dildo and used condom and walks down the stairs).
Wednesday 11 August 2010
Businessman John Sketch One
This sketch centres around a man called Businessman John, who's all about his business and making potential deals no matter what the situation, be it talking to family or consoling troubled friends. Some people just never miss a business opportunity.
Int. In a personal office. Businessman John is sat behind his desk, and an old friend of his knocks on the door and lets himself in.
Old friend: John! Hi, how are you doing mate? You alright?
John: I'm doing greeeeeaaaat. But the important question is how are you doing my friend?
Old friend: I'm not great really if I'm being completely honest. Really hit hard times with my wife leaving me and being made redundant. Just need someone to talk to, you know?
John: That's fantastic. Do you want to be happy again?
Old friend: Well, yes, of course I do. I don’t think I could feel any worse.
John: That’s great, sir, great, because today I have a once in a lifetime offer for you. Are you happy with your car insurance?
Old friend: Erm…I guess so. Look mate can we just talk about my problems? I’m seriously depressed right now.
John: Oh I’m sorry, sir, I thought you said you weren't happy?
Old friend: I'm not but I don't have a problem with my car insurance.
John: But if you don't do something now then it'll become a problem later. Let me show you something.
John stands up and turns to a flip chart placed behind him.
Old friend: Please I'd rather not.
John: It's ok. Take a seat sir. We're just having a chat. Look at this chart and tell me you’re not impressed by these figures.
The Old friend sighs in frustration, gets up and walks out of the office. John shakes his head in disappointment.
John: Some people just don’t want to be happy.
Int. In a personal office. Businessman John is sat behind his desk, and an old friend of his knocks on the door and lets himself in.
Old friend: John! Hi, how are you doing mate? You alright?
John: I'm doing greeeeeaaaat. But the important question is how are you doing my friend?
Old friend: I'm not great really if I'm being completely honest. Really hit hard times with my wife leaving me and being made redundant. Just need someone to talk to, you know?
John: That's fantastic. Do you want to be happy again?
Old friend: Well, yes, of course I do. I don’t think I could feel any worse.
John: That’s great, sir, great, because today I have a once in a lifetime offer for you. Are you happy with your car insurance?
Old friend: Erm…I guess so. Look mate can we just talk about my problems? I’m seriously depressed right now.
John: Oh I’m sorry, sir, I thought you said you weren't happy?
Old friend: I'm not but I don't have a problem with my car insurance.
John: But if you don't do something now then it'll become a problem later. Let me show you something.
John stands up and turns to a flip chart placed behind him.
Old friend: Please I'd rather not.
John: It's ok. Take a seat sir. We're just having a chat. Look at this chart and tell me you’re not impressed by these figures.
The Old friend sighs in frustration, gets up and walks out of the office. John shakes his head in disappointment.
John: Some people just don’t want to be happy.
Monday 9 August 2010
WHY NEWS?! National newspaper newsroom
A satirical look at a national newspaper newsroom. In the world of constant, non-stop, 24 hour news, there comes a point where some the stories covered just aren't newsworthy.
Int. In the editor's office of a national newspaper. The editor is reading a news story about a teenage girl dying under mysterious circumstances. Story is destined for the front page. The journalist who wrote the story, Derek, enters the office.
Editor: Good god, this is a powerful story Derek. Just need to go through some finer details, but otherwise this is good to go. So this girl that died in tragic circumstances, was she a talented student, then? Presumably there were many A* GCSEs on her horizon?
Derek: UMMMMM….just the one actually. (Reading notes) No wait, sorry, she was actually taking a GNVQ in Leisure and Tourism.
Editor: Oh, ok…well presumably she was a great servant in the community, a charity worker or a great sportswoman for the village?
Derek: Ummmm….well, if sleeping with half the lads in the village is a sport then yes, she certainly was good at that.
Editor: (Continuing to look puzzled and slightly disappointed) Oh, ok…well presumably everyone at her school is very upset?
Derek: Well, as yet the school has declined to comment because she was expelled several weeks ago for assaulting a teacher during class.
Editor: Ah…riiiight, so have there been any clues as to how she died?
Derek: Nothing concrete as yet, but she had been spending the last few weeks hanging around with a crowd of older guys known to be heavily into hardcore drugs.
Editor: Ok…well….look Derek I do like what you’ve written, really tragic stuff, but my thinking behind this is that it might not be newsworthy enough. Everything you’ve said to me suggests that she may be better off dead? Thanks for the effort and research though mate. Next time maybe try and find a girl who’s died under tragic circumstances with more GCSEs? Yeah?
Derek nods his head and leaves the Editor’s office.
Int. In the editor's office of a national newspaper. The editor is reading a news story about a teenage girl dying under mysterious circumstances. Story is destined for the front page. The journalist who wrote the story, Derek, enters the office.
Editor: Good god, this is a powerful story Derek. Just need to go through some finer details, but otherwise this is good to go. So this girl that died in tragic circumstances, was she a talented student, then? Presumably there were many A* GCSEs on her horizon?
Derek: UMMMMM….just the one actually. (Reading notes) No wait, sorry, she was actually taking a GNVQ in Leisure and Tourism.
Editor: Oh, ok…well presumably she was a great servant in the community, a charity worker or a great sportswoman for the village?
Derek: Ummmm….well, if sleeping with half the lads in the village is a sport then yes, she certainly was good at that.
Editor: (Continuing to look puzzled and slightly disappointed) Oh, ok…well presumably everyone at her school is very upset?
Derek: Well, as yet the school has declined to comment because she was expelled several weeks ago for assaulting a teacher during class.
Editor: Ah…riiiight, so have there been any clues as to how she died?
Derek: Nothing concrete as yet, but she had been spending the last few weeks hanging around with a crowd of older guys known to be heavily into hardcore drugs.
Editor: Ok…well….look Derek I do like what you’ve written, really tragic stuff, but my thinking behind this is that it might not be newsworthy enough. Everything you’ve said to me suggests that she may be better off dead? Thanks for the effort and research though mate. Next time maybe try and find a girl who’s died under tragic circumstances with more GCSEs? Yeah?
Derek nods his head and leaves the Editor’s office.
Saturday 7 August 2010
Poll Shows Men With Suped Up Cars Are Most Desirable To Women
The newly published results of a recent MORI poll have shown for the first time a distinct pattern in what women find attractive in their male counterparts. The poll painstakingly asked for the opinions of over 30,000 women across Great Britain, asking them what non-physical attributes they found particularly appealing when looking for a partner in the opposite sex.
Topping the chart of preferences is what MORI describe as "men with ownership of some kind of modified or 'suped-up' car". Upon further elaboration, it is revealed that the car should be horrifically garish in colour; a bold yellow or a pacific blue is preferable, but a simple white or black would suffice. The car must have some kind of rear spoiler that is completely out of proportion with the rest of the car, as well as being equipped with gleaming alloy wheels (real or fake) - the larger the rim the better.
Furthermore, the car must have a funnel-like exhaust pipe that amplifies the roar of the engine by at least one hundred decibels, and can be heard perfectly within a two mile radius. This effect can only truly impress the ladies, however, when it is combined with a dump valve and turbo charged engine. The hideously deep hum of the engine coupled with the hiss of the dump valve will simply drive the women wild, and no doubt garner admiring, envious looks from men in pitifully standard cars.
The windows, naturally, should be tinted, and tasteful stickers advertising authentic supercar manufacturers should adorn these. Moreover, the car should have all the basic necessities of body kit work: a ridiculously low front bumper and/or front spoiler, as well as a bulky, unsightly rear bumper in which to house the monstrous, phallic exhaust. To complete the look, however, side skirts must be in place. It is imperative that any children that are run over while drunk driving do not get under the wheels and damage the suspension.
If all of these attributes can be found on any standard model Vauxhall Nova, Fiat Punto, Ford Escort et al., then the owner will quite simply find himself in the most ideal of situations in regards to the ladies. It is not only cars that defy aesthetics that seem to impress the ladies, though, as coming in at number two on the list was, as MORI explains, "men with some kind of drug or alcohol addiction".
This is not a blanket, cover-all term, though. Crack addiction is particularly frowned upon, but not specifically ruled out as undesirable. The same applies for heroin. Both are seen as major obstacles, but ones that will be fun to overcome together as a couple during weekends together. Marijuana, cocaine and ecstasy, however, are all given the thumbs up as men with addictions to these drugs are considered to have, "a deep character, a tender soul, a rich personality and a fantastic sense of humour".
In regards to alcohol addiciton, this is seen as secondary in appeal to drug addicition, but is still nonetheless highly desirable. A man who regularly drinks himself into oblivion, showing little regard for his life and the feelings of those that love him would appear to be quite the beau. The rampant selfishness that he constantly displays is rooted in a deep, caring soul, a soul that could flourish gloriously if only he were ever sober enough and not thinking of himself or his similarly addicted friends.
The overall conclusion from MORI's findings is that men with these kind of addictions are found to be more sexually appealing, and infinitely more interesting and complex than those who can control their demons and live relatively normal lives. These men are quite rightly seen as "stiffs", and appear to be generally boring.
And finally, coming in at third on the list is "men who cannot contain their anger". Quite simply, this type of man is he who "can transform from a pleasant, semi-articulate individual to a snarling, incredulous animal at the drop of an inappropriate anecdote, a poor practical joke or a mistimed laugh". According to MORI's results, women can see past the complete lack of reason and control, can see past the utter void of intelligence and the inability to deploy diplomacy in these men. They can even see past the black hole where their sense of humour should be. In place of these minor deficiencies women swoon over the brooding masculinity of these men, and go weak at the knees at seeing testosterone pulsing dangerously beneath their skin. There is simply no need for verbal articulation when a man can express himself so clearly, so artistically, so majestically and so definitely with his fists, particularly against other men of a considerably smaller stature.
Topping the chart of preferences is what MORI describe as "men with ownership of some kind of modified or 'suped-up' car". Upon further elaboration, it is revealed that the car should be horrifically garish in colour; a bold yellow or a pacific blue is preferable, but a simple white or black would suffice. The car must have some kind of rear spoiler that is completely out of proportion with the rest of the car, as well as being equipped with gleaming alloy wheels (real or fake) - the larger the rim the better.
Furthermore, the car must have a funnel-like exhaust pipe that amplifies the roar of the engine by at least one hundred decibels, and can be heard perfectly within a two mile radius. This effect can only truly impress the ladies, however, when it is combined with a dump valve and turbo charged engine. The hideously deep hum of the engine coupled with the hiss of the dump valve will simply drive the women wild, and no doubt garner admiring, envious looks from men in pitifully standard cars.
The windows, naturally, should be tinted, and tasteful stickers advertising authentic supercar manufacturers should adorn these. Moreover, the car should have all the basic necessities of body kit work: a ridiculously low front bumper and/or front spoiler, as well as a bulky, unsightly rear bumper in which to house the monstrous, phallic exhaust. To complete the look, however, side skirts must be in place. It is imperative that any children that are run over while drunk driving do not get under the wheels and damage the suspension.
If all of these attributes can be found on any standard model Vauxhall Nova, Fiat Punto, Ford Escort et al., then the owner will quite simply find himself in the most ideal of situations in regards to the ladies. It is not only cars that defy aesthetics that seem to impress the ladies, though, as coming in at number two on the list was, as MORI explains, "men with some kind of drug or alcohol addiction".
This is not a blanket, cover-all term, though. Crack addiction is particularly frowned upon, but not specifically ruled out as undesirable. The same applies for heroin. Both are seen as major obstacles, but ones that will be fun to overcome together as a couple during weekends together. Marijuana, cocaine and ecstasy, however, are all given the thumbs up as men with addictions to these drugs are considered to have, "a deep character, a tender soul, a rich personality and a fantastic sense of humour".
In regards to alcohol addiciton, this is seen as secondary in appeal to drug addicition, but is still nonetheless highly desirable. A man who regularly drinks himself into oblivion, showing little regard for his life and the feelings of those that love him would appear to be quite the beau. The rampant selfishness that he constantly displays is rooted in a deep, caring soul, a soul that could flourish gloriously if only he were ever sober enough and not thinking of himself or his similarly addicted friends.
The overall conclusion from MORI's findings is that men with these kind of addictions are found to be more sexually appealing, and infinitely more interesting and complex than those who can control their demons and live relatively normal lives. These men are quite rightly seen as "stiffs", and appear to be generally boring.
And finally, coming in at third on the list is "men who cannot contain their anger". Quite simply, this type of man is he who "can transform from a pleasant, semi-articulate individual to a snarling, incredulous animal at the drop of an inappropriate anecdote, a poor practical joke or a mistimed laugh". According to MORI's results, women can see past the complete lack of reason and control, can see past the utter void of intelligence and the inability to deploy diplomacy in these men. They can even see past the black hole where their sense of humour should be. In place of these minor deficiencies women swoon over the brooding masculinity of these men, and go weak at the knees at seeing testosterone pulsing dangerously beneath their skin. There is simply no need for verbal articulation when a man can express himself so clearly, so artistically, so majestically and so definitely with his fists, particularly against other men of a considerably smaller stature.
The Sun World
This is more or less a direct follow up to Daily Mail World, but just with the thoughts of how amazing/tedious it would be to live in a world governed by The Sun newspaper.
Ext. A suburban street. A caption reading “The Sun World” appears briefly at the bottom of the screen.
A man in light blue jeans (with a rolled up newspaper in one of the back pockets), a white polo shirt and white trainers is walking down the street. He purposefully approaches a non-white family leaving a house.
Sun Man: Look at that house, it’s got to be worth at least five hundred thou, maybe five and a half, and it’s been given out to you people who have just got off the boat! It should go to a nice, peaceful British family who will take care of it and maintain the spirit of the neighbourhood.
Sun Man’s attention is taken by a group of white people loitering around as one of them hands around some money. He runs over aggressively.
Sun Man: You people make me sick! It’s eleven in the morning, shouldn’t you be at work? No of course not, you’ve just been down the dole office and sponged your benefits for the week off of people like and my friends over there (points back at the family he has just abused) who pay our taxes. Rot in hell benefit cheat scum!
His attention is caught by something else, this time a super car that roars horrendously down the street. He looks at it passing with reverence and awe, like a Christian would the second coming of Christ.
Sun Man: Wow – a Dodge Viper SRT – 10. 500bhp and 500lbft provided by a gargantuan 8.3L engine, the larget capacity engine ever offered in a production car. Throw in the 0-60 in 4 seconds and a top speed of 185mph and you’ve got yourself an absolute beast. It’s heaven, for real men only. Like me.
Once again his attention is grabbed by something else. Across the street he sees a man trying to steal a car radio. As the thief tries to escape he gets his foot stuck in a drain before being apprehended by some good Samaritans.
Sun Man: (laughing with pity) What a numpty eh? Where do they come from? Bless him for trying though, the scamp.
As he turns away from this scene he sees a woman in a skimpy bikini a few yards away who is simply standing still in a sultry pose, smiling. He approaches her.
Sun Man: Who are you?
Woman: I’m Summer, 18, from Woking.
Sun Man: Summer, what do you think about Prince William’s efforts in continuing his mother’s legacy of charity work?
Summer: I think it’s great.
As Summer says this she simply smiles and leans forward slightly, squeezing her breasts together. Sun Man smiles and wipes a tear away from his eyes, before placing his hand over his heart and looking boldly toward to the sky – he takes a deep breath.
Sun Man: RULE BRITTANIA, BRITTANIA RULES THE WAVES -
Ext. A suburban street. A caption reading “The Sun World” appears briefly at the bottom of the screen.
A man in light blue jeans (with a rolled up newspaper in one of the back pockets), a white polo shirt and white trainers is walking down the street. He purposefully approaches a non-white family leaving a house.
Sun Man: Look at that house, it’s got to be worth at least five hundred thou, maybe five and a half, and it’s been given out to you people who have just got off the boat! It should go to a nice, peaceful British family who will take care of it and maintain the spirit of the neighbourhood.
Sun Man’s attention is taken by a group of white people loitering around as one of them hands around some money. He runs over aggressively.
Sun Man: You people make me sick! It’s eleven in the morning, shouldn’t you be at work? No of course not, you’ve just been down the dole office and sponged your benefits for the week off of people like and my friends over there (points back at the family he has just abused) who pay our taxes. Rot in hell benefit cheat scum!
His attention is caught by something else, this time a super car that roars horrendously down the street. He looks at it passing with reverence and awe, like a Christian would the second coming of Christ.
Sun Man: Wow – a Dodge Viper SRT – 10. 500bhp and 500lbft provided by a gargantuan 8.3L engine, the larget capacity engine ever offered in a production car. Throw in the 0-60 in 4 seconds and a top speed of 185mph and you’ve got yourself an absolute beast. It’s heaven, for real men only. Like me.
Once again his attention is grabbed by something else. Across the street he sees a man trying to steal a car radio. As the thief tries to escape he gets his foot stuck in a drain before being apprehended by some good Samaritans.
Sun Man: (laughing with pity) What a numpty eh? Where do they come from? Bless him for trying though, the scamp.
As he turns away from this scene he sees a woman in a skimpy bikini a few yards away who is simply standing still in a sultry pose, smiling. He approaches her.
Sun Man: Who are you?
Woman: I’m Summer, 18, from Woking.
Sun Man: Summer, what do you think about Prince William’s efforts in continuing his mother’s legacy of charity work?
Summer: I think it’s great.
As Summer says this she simply smiles and leans forward slightly, squeezing her breasts together. Sun Man smiles and wipes a tear away from his eyes, before placing his hand over his heart and looking boldly toward to the sky – he takes a deep breath.
Sun Man: RULE BRITTANIA, BRITTANIA RULES THE WAVES -
Girlfriend Stopwatch #2
This is just a follow on from Girlfriend Stopwatch #1. Isn't it exciting when someone new starts at work and they are lively and bubbly and just seem so amazing and great and....oh, she's got a boyfriend. Back to work.
Int. An office. A new girl is being introduced to her new work colleagues. She is sat at her desk and the guys and girls from the office are gathered around.
Man 1: So what were you doing before you came here?
New Girl: I was just doing call centre work. I hated it so much and had been doing it for years so I felt it was time for a change.
Everyone nods in agreement and make positive noises.
Man 2: So do you live in town?
New Girl: Yeah I live in a flat just down the road actually. Only moved in a few weeks ago, it’s been a bit hectic – new home, new job –
Man 3: God yeah, you must be rushed off your feet poor thing. Remember to get some relaxation time in to your schedule too, have some aromatic baths and massages, you know the stuff.
New Girl: Oh I do, I do, my boyfriend (start the clock – five individual stop watches appear around the screen. One guy walks off immediately, his clock stopped at 0:01) regularly runs me baths and lights candles for me, gives me massages when I’ve had a hectic day. He’s such a sweetheart.
Another clock stops as another man walks away – 0:07 – followed by another stopping at 0.08 as another man goes.
Woman 1: He sounds so sweet, I wish my ex’s has been like that.
Another clock stops at 0:11 as another man leaves.
Woman 2: My boyfriend is exactly the same though, he just does whatever can to make me feel relaxed and more comfortable. He even wakes me up in the morning sometimes by playing the violin for me.
The final clock stops as the last guy walks off. The clock reads 0:16. The woman all coo over these stories and sigh romantically. They all just stand still looking off into the distance at nothing at all, smiling.
Int. An office. A new girl is being introduced to her new work colleagues. She is sat at her desk and the guys and girls from the office are gathered around.
Man 1: So what were you doing before you came here?
New Girl: I was just doing call centre work. I hated it so much and had been doing it for years so I felt it was time for a change.
Everyone nods in agreement and make positive noises.
Man 2: So do you live in town?
New Girl: Yeah I live in a flat just down the road actually. Only moved in a few weeks ago, it’s been a bit hectic – new home, new job –
Man 3: God yeah, you must be rushed off your feet poor thing. Remember to get some relaxation time in to your schedule too, have some aromatic baths and massages, you know the stuff.
New Girl: Oh I do, I do, my boyfriend (start the clock – five individual stop watches appear around the screen. One guy walks off immediately, his clock stopped at 0:01) regularly runs me baths and lights candles for me, gives me massages when I’ve had a hectic day. He’s such a sweetheart.
Another clock stops as another man walks away – 0:07 – followed by another stopping at 0.08 as another man goes.
Woman 1: He sounds so sweet, I wish my ex’s has been like that.
Another clock stops at 0:11 as another man leaves.
Woman 2: My boyfriend is exactly the same though, he just does whatever can to make me feel relaxed and more comfortable. He even wakes me up in the morning sometimes by playing the violin for me.
The final clock stops as the last guy walks off. The clock reads 0:16. The woman all coo over these stories and sigh romantically. They all just stand still looking off into the distance at nothing at all, smiling.
Anthony the Gay Man
Not everyone is the same, obviously. But there is a certain type of homosexual, the type that started the stereotype, that can get away with absolute murder. He can say whatever he wants and most women will laugh in absolute hysterics because for some reason, when filth comes out of a gay man's mouth, it's hilarious and witty.
Int. At a social gathering. Everyone is sitting around drinking wine and engaging in pleasant conversation. One of the hosts, the wife, brings round some cakes for people to enjoy. Among these cakes are various sticky buns. One man sees them and his face lights up.
Man: Phwoar Carol, I’ve always fantasised about seeing your sticky buns.
All of the women in the room stop talking and cast scowls in his direction. Various comments that can be heard are “Oh what a chauvinistic pig” and “I thought we’d advanced beyond this type thing.” The man looks suitably embarrassed and slides into his seat sulkily. The door bell rings and Carol goes to answer it.
Carol: Oh hi Anthony, come in, come in. Everybody, I’d like you to meet Anthony.
Everyone: Hi Anthony.
Anthony steps into the room looking around. He does not look impressed.
Anthony: Jesus it’s dead in here! This is looks even less fun than when I got sucked off in the toilets of the club last week. Urgh. But then again, with the way this room looks it's no surprise – this wallpaper is absolute shit, and the sofas are just a fucking insult to your guests. What prick picked them out for fuck sake? Oh and I’m sorry love, but that blouse looks absolutely diabolical on you, I mean you’ve got no tits to fill it out for starters. I think you should go home before everyone is sick. And mate, those shoes – they are an absolute travesty, I should kill children right now so they don't grow up with your taste. I think I’ve just walked into a room full of twats here.
Everyone is shocked, sitting open mouthed in disgust. Carol looks around smiling but then realises the confusion.
Carol: Oh it’s ok everyone, Anthony is gay – he’s a homosexual.
The women in the room all sigh with relief and start to laugh.
Woman 1: Oh we should have known, he’s so witty and funny.
Woman 2: It’s just too subtle sometimes, not like Mr. Caveman over there (she points at the man who had commented previously. He looks bemused by the whole situation).
The women start to gather around Anthony, their new best friend.
Woman 1: What do you think of these tights?
Anthony: Shit.
Woman 2: Do these shoes go with this top?
Anthony: No. Both shit.
Woman 1: Awww, I love your honesty, you’re so funny.
Anthony smiles broadly and grabs Woman 1’s breasts. Everyone laughs in hysterics, except the men who just sit with confused looks on their faces.
Int. At a social gathering. Everyone is sitting around drinking wine and engaging in pleasant conversation. One of the hosts, the wife, brings round some cakes for people to enjoy. Among these cakes are various sticky buns. One man sees them and his face lights up.
Man: Phwoar Carol, I’ve always fantasised about seeing your sticky buns.
All of the women in the room stop talking and cast scowls in his direction. Various comments that can be heard are “Oh what a chauvinistic pig” and “I thought we’d advanced beyond this type thing.” The man looks suitably embarrassed and slides into his seat sulkily. The door bell rings and Carol goes to answer it.
Carol: Oh hi Anthony, come in, come in. Everybody, I’d like you to meet Anthony.
Everyone: Hi Anthony.
Anthony steps into the room looking around. He does not look impressed.
Anthony: Jesus it’s dead in here! This is looks even less fun than when I got sucked off in the toilets of the club last week. Urgh. But then again, with the way this room looks it's no surprise – this wallpaper is absolute shit, and the sofas are just a fucking insult to your guests. What prick picked them out for fuck sake? Oh and I’m sorry love, but that blouse looks absolutely diabolical on you, I mean you’ve got no tits to fill it out for starters. I think you should go home before everyone is sick. And mate, those shoes – they are an absolute travesty, I should kill children right now so they don't grow up with your taste. I think I’ve just walked into a room full of twats here.
Everyone is shocked, sitting open mouthed in disgust. Carol looks around smiling but then realises the confusion.
Carol: Oh it’s ok everyone, Anthony is gay – he’s a homosexual.
The women in the room all sigh with relief and start to laugh.
Woman 1: Oh we should have known, he’s so witty and funny.
Woman 2: It’s just too subtle sometimes, not like Mr. Caveman over there (she points at the man who had commented previously. He looks bemused by the whole situation).
The women start to gather around Anthony, their new best friend.
Woman 1: What do you think of these tights?
Anthony: Shit.
Woman 2: Do these shoes go with this top?
Anthony: No. Both shit.
Woman 1: Awww, I love your honesty, you’re so funny.
Anthony smiles broadly and grabs Woman 1’s breasts. Everyone laughs in hysterics, except the men who just sit with confused looks on their faces.
Girlfriend Stopwatch #1
On the whole, men like girls. Men like girls far less when girls have a boyfriend. A man can pretend a girl is the most interesting, fascinating person in the world while he tinks she might be single and there is a tiny, insignificant chance that she will sleep with him; but as soon as the words "my boyfriend" pass over her lips, a light switches off and she loses about 80% of her appeal. Maybe 85%.
Int. Reception/lobby area of an office building. A man leaves the nearby toilets and heads towards the receptionist, smiling.
Man: Hi, how are you doing?
Receptionist: Not too bad thanks, just waiting for the day to end.
Man: Yeah I know what you mean. These winter days seem to drag what with it getting dark so early, and then the cold journey home too – it’s just no fun is it?
Receptionist: I know, it’s really horrible, but my boyfriend (a stopwatch appears in the bottom right hand corner of the screen and begins timing) makes it seem all the more bearable; he picks me up and drives me home, he puts the heating right up so it’s nice and warm for me when I get in, and he puts on my favourite CD, a bit of Westlife, and we go and pick up some dinner and sit down at a candlelit ta –
(Clock reads 0:11, stops)
Man: Listen love, do you think you could sort the toilet out in the gents, because I’ve done a massive shit and I’m pretty sure it’s really badly blocked? (Receptionist stays silent, looking shocked). I flushed it three times but it’s just not moving. Thanks for that petal (Man touches her hair with his hand which has a brown stain and some pieces of wet toilet roll stuck to it).
Int. Reception/lobby area of an office building. A man leaves the nearby toilets and heads towards the receptionist, smiling.
Man: Hi, how are you doing?
Receptionist: Not too bad thanks, just waiting for the day to end.
Man: Yeah I know what you mean. These winter days seem to drag what with it getting dark so early, and then the cold journey home too – it’s just no fun is it?
Receptionist: I know, it’s really horrible, but my boyfriend (a stopwatch appears in the bottom right hand corner of the screen and begins timing) makes it seem all the more bearable; he picks me up and drives me home, he puts the heating right up so it’s nice and warm for me when I get in, and he puts on my favourite CD, a bit of Westlife, and we go and pick up some dinner and sit down at a candlelit ta –
(Clock reads 0:11, stops)
Man: Listen love, do you think you could sort the toilet out in the gents, because I’ve done a massive shit and I’m pretty sure it’s really badly blocked? (Receptionist stays silent, looking shocked). I flushed it three times but it’s just not moving. Thanks for that petal (Man touches her hair with his hand which has a brown stain and some pieces of wet toilet roll stuck to it).
Wednesday 4 August 2010
Club Mascot (Episode Six) - Synopsis
The episode starts with Frank getting into a minor scuffle with Stu after he gets Frank in trouble with a customer. Barbara intervenes before it gets serious and calls Frank into his office. Barbara then offers Frank a new higher position at the call centre, which he turns down because it would involve him working full-time - something he never wanted to do in the first place. When Frank rejects the job, Barbara offers him the proposition of keeping his current job if he sleeps with her. Frank says no which leads to Barbara sacking him on the spot.
Frank then goes to the job centre to sign on, however, he is prevented from doing so by a difficult job centre worker and job centre bureaucracy. Eventually Frank walks out claiming nothing’s worth that much trouble.
Anton then persuades Frank to come to the sexual health clinic with him as moral support, as he’s worried he may have caught something from having sex with Nicola. Anton reveals he and Nicola have never wore condoms, as, according to Nicola, “condoms are for pussies”. This leads to an angry nurse confronting Anton for his stupidity and Anton asks the nurse how his penis size compares to other patients, with the whole scene creating a disturbing mental image for Frank.
After the sexual health clinic Anton reveals to Frank that he’s becoming the club mascot for Crawley Town Football Club, as he sees this as a way to finally woo Nicola. Anton thinks that by becoming a part of the football club Nicola will end the open relationship and make it truly monogamous. Frank does suggest that this could lead to Nicola having unrivalled access to Crawley Town footballers and will probably help the relationship remain open, however, this is shrugged off by Anton as “rubbish.”
Frank then goes for a job interview for a sales role. The interview has Frank selling make-up outside Poundland, which he fails miserably at and is constantly put down by the interviewer for his lack of sales. On his lunch break he meets Anne-Marie and they go for coffee, as Frank decides not to go back to the interview.
For their first date Frank and Anne-Marie decide to go to watch Crawley Town at the Broadfield, as Anton is working as the club mascot for the very first time. At the football match Frank constantly tries to tell Anne-Marie how he feels but can’t because of all the noise and the unromantic surroundings, eventually giving up.
During half-time Anton comes onto the pitch as the mascot, however, he nearly starts a mini-riot, as he tries to fight the away fans, who chuck bottles at him. Frank is embarrassed and looks away in disgust.
After the match Frank and Anne-Marie go behind the scenes to meet Anton and congratulate him on his debut as a mascot. As Frank is waiting for Anne-Marie, he hears noises from the physio room. Going to investigate he finds one of the Crawley Town footballers having sex with Nicola.
Frank and Anne-Marie then meet up with Anton who’s ecstatic. Anton goes into a deep monologue about love conquering all and lets slip about how much in love Frank is with Anne-Marie. Frank looks horrified by this revelation, as he hasn’t told Anne-Marie his true feelings. Anton then leaves to try and find Nicola.
Frank and Anne-Marie walk back home, with Anne-Marie questioning what Anton meant by the previous comment. Frank skirts around the subject before deciding to blurt all of his feelings for her all at once. The camera goes to Anne-Marie’s face that is a mixture of excitement, shock and extreme worry. This is how Series 1 of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’ ends.
Frank then goes to the job centre to sign on, however, he is prevented from doing so by a difficult job centre worker and job centre bureaucracy. Eventually Frank walks out claiming nothing’s worth that much trouble.
Anton then persuades Frank to come to the sexual health clinic with him as moral support, as he’s worried he may have caught something from having sex with Nicola. Anton reveals he and Nicola have never wore condoms, as, according to Nicola, “condoms are for pussies”. This leads to an angry nurse confronting Anton for his stupidity and Anton asks the nurse how his penis size compares to other patients, with the whole scene creating a disturbing mental image for Frank.
After the sexual health clinic Anton reveals to Frank that he’s becoming the club mascot for Crawley Town Football Club, as he sees this as a way to finally woo Nicola. Anton thinks that by becoming a part of the football club Nicola will end the open relationship and make it truly monogamous. Frank does suggest that this could lead to Nicola having unrivalled access to Crawley Town footballers and will probably help the relationship remain open, however, this is shrugged off by Anton as “rubbish.”
Frank then goes for a job interview for a sales role. The interview has Frank selling make-up outside Poundland, which he fails miserably at and is constantly put down by the interviewer for his lack of sales. On his lunch break he meets Anne-Marie and they go for coffee, as Frank decides not to go back to the interview.
For their first date Frank and Anne-Marie decide to go to watch Crawley Town at the Broadfield, as Anton is working as the club mascot for the very first time. At the football match Frank constantly tries to tell Anne-Marie how he feels but can’t because of all the noise and the unromantic surroundings, eventually giving up.
During half-time Anton comes onto the pitch as the mascot, however, he nearly starts a mini-riot, as he tries to fight the away fans, who chuck bottles at him. Frank is embarrassed and looks away in disgust.
After the match Frank and Anne-Marie go behind the scenes to meet Anton and congratulate him on his debut as a mascot. As Frank is waiting for Anne-Marie, he hears noises from the physio room. Going to investigate he finds one of the Crawley Town footballers having sex with Nicola.
Frank and Anne-Marie then meet up with Anton who’s ecstatic. Anton goes into a deep monologue about love conquering all and lets slip about how much in love Frank is with Anne-Marie. Frank looks horrified by this revelation, as he hasn’t told Anne-Marie his true feelings. Anton then leaves to try and find Nicola.
Frank and Anne-Marie walk back home, with Anne-Marie questioning what Anton meant by the previous comment. Frank skirts around the subject before deciding to blurt all of his feelings for her all at once. The camera goes to Anne-Marie’s face that is a mixture of excitement, shock and extreme worry. This is how Series 1 of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’ ends.
I'm Not Enjoying This in the Crawley News
Below is a link to an article featured on the 'This is Sussex' webpage covering the news of 'I'm Not Enjoying This.' Please read and enjoy, and spread the word.
http://www.thisissussex.co.uk/news/Crawley-s-landmarks-inspire-TV-sitcom/article-2485175-detail/article.html
http://www.thisissussex.co.uk/news/Crawley-s-landmarks-inspire-TV-sitcom/article-2485175-detail/article.html
Tuesday 3 August 2010
Threesome (Episode 5) - Synopsis
The episode starts with Frank and Betty lying in bed. Out of the blue she asks him what his biggest sexual fantasy is. He is reluctant to answer at first, then says he doesn’t have one. After much persuasion from Betty he says a threesome, as that’s what he thinks most men’s sexual fantasy would be. Betty then promises to fulfil Frank’s fantasies that night.
It’s then revealed that Nicola and Anton are now seeing each other; however, whenever Betty and Nicola are in the same room the sexual tension is unbearable and usually ends up with Nicola snogging Anton to prove a point.
Betty plans the night by saying her and Frank will go to Nandos before going to Liquid and getting “shitfaced”. Frank is annoyed because they have already had three Nandos in the week, but Betty starts waxing lyrical about how amazing and lush it is. Frank says it is chicken and rice; however, everything he says in argument against it is met with a “yeah, but it’s amazing.” Ultimately, they decide to get a Nandos. Anton then invites himself and Nicola to Nandos because he can see how annoyed Frank is.
The episode then follows them on a double date, which is an awkward affair. Frank is annoyed that he’s in Nandos again, Betty is loving every bite and Nicola is an absolute state, drinking a whole bottle of wine to herself.
After the meal they all head to Liquid. For Frank there’s almost a resigned negativity to it all. Nicola is already extremely drunk after drinking a lot in Nandos, Anton realises this and starts drinking two drinks at a time to catch up with her. Anton’s point for doing this is because he doesn’t want to be seen taking advantage of her, but at the same time really wants sex, he claims “it’s the only solution.”
At Liquid Betty tells Frank she’s looking for somebody for the threesome. Frank wants to tell her not to bother, but before he gets the chance Betty is gone. Anton then challenges Frank to a game on the boxing machine. Frank beats him twice, with a very drunk Nicola also beating him. This annoys Anton, who blames his loss on an injured hand.
Frank then goes to find Betty and wanders into the smoking area where he finds Anne-Marie. Frank is clearly delighted to see her and they get talking. It’s revealed that Anne-Marie is now living in Crawley and commuting to Uni, which pleases Frank.
Betty then comes out into the smoking area with another man, who’s up for the threesome. She looks proud of herself, not even acknowledging Anne Marie. Frank is gobsmacked and an argument ensues where Frank says he just can’t be bothered anymore with the relationship. Betty scowls at Frank and storms off with the other man. Anne-Marie just sits watching Frank and Betty argue wide eyed, almost scared. Frank then explains the whole situation, and why he didn’t chase after Anne-Marie after she said she was going to Uni. Anne-Marie and Frank then kiss.
Anne-Marie and Frank go back inside and have a dance. Anton and Nicola are horrifically drunk and just a mess over each other while still trying to dance. Both of them get thrown out and Frank and Anne-Marie follow them out. In the end they get a taxi back to the flat all together.
Again, Frank and Anne-Marie don’t sleep together, they just hug, but this is clearly sending Frank even deeper into love. As they hug all Frank and Anne-Marie can hear is noisy love making from Anton’s room.
In the morning Nicola and Anton have a chat about their relationship. Nicola is clearly not game, and says the best thing for them to do is have an open relationship. Anton struggles with the meaning of this term, at first thinking it means both he and Nicola will be more open in their feelings towards one another; however, Nicola reveals in very blunt terms what an open relationship entails.
As Nicola and Anne-Marie leave the flat, Anton and Frank confide in each other about their nights. Anton reveals what’s happening with Nicola, which makes Franks show sympathy towards him. Frank then talks about Anne-Marie and that he plans to tell her how he feels very soon.
It’s then revealed that Nicola and Anton are now seeing each other; however, whenever Betty and Nicola are in the same room the sexual tension is unbearable and usually ends up with Nicola snogging Anton to prove a point.
Betty plans the night by saying her and Frank will go to Nandos before going to Liquid and getting “shitfaced”. Frank is annoyed because they have already had three Nandos in the week, but Betty starts waxing lyrical about how amazing and lush it is. Frank says it is chicken and rice; however, everything he says in argument against it is met with a “yeah, but it’s amazing.” Ultimately, they decide to get a Nandos. Anton then invites himself and Nicola to Nandos because he can see how annoyed Frank is.
The episode then follows them on a double date, which is an awkward affair. Frank is annoyed that he’s in Nandos again, Betty is loving every bite and Nicola is an absolute state, drinking a whole bottle of wine to herself.
After the meal they all head to Liquid. For Frank there’s almost a resigned negativity to it all. Nicola is already extremely drunk after drinking a lot in Nandos, Anton realises this and starts drinking two drinks at a time to catch up with her. Anton’s point for doing this is because he doesn’t want to be seen taking advantage of her, but at the same time really wants sex, he claims “it’s the only solution.”
At Liquid Betty tells Frank she’s looking for somebody for the threesome. Frank wants to tell her not to bother, but before he gets the chance Betty is gone. Anton then challenges Frank to a game on the boxing machine. Frank beats him twice, with a very drunk Nicola also beating him. This annoys Anton, who blames his loss on an injured hand.
Frank then goes to find Betty and wanders into the smoking area where he finds Anne-Marie. Frank is clearly delighted to see her and they get talking. It’s revealed that Anne-Marie is now living in Crawley and commuting to Uni, which pleases Frank.
Betty then comes out into the smoking area with another man, who’s up for the threesome. She looks proud of herself, not even acknowledging Anne Marie. Frank is gobsmacked and an argument ensues where Frank says he just can’t be bothered anymore with the relationship. Betty scowls at Frank and storms off with the other man. Anne-Marie just sits watching Frank and Betty argue wide eyed, almost scared. Frank then explains the whole situation, and why he didn’t chase after Anne-Marie after she said she was going to Uni. Anne-Marie and Frank then kiss.
Anne-Marie and Frank go back inside and have a dance. Anton and Nicola are horrifically drunk and just a mess over each other while still trying to dance. Both of them get thrown out and Frank and Anne-Marie follow them out. In the end they get a taxi back to the flat all together.
Again, Frank and Anne-Marie don’t sleep together, they just hug, but this is clearly sending Frank even deeper into love. As they hug all Frank and Anne-Marie can hear is noisy love making from Anton’s room.
In the morning Nicola and Anton have a chat about their relationship. Nicola is clearly not game, and says the best thing for them to do is have an open relationship. Anton struggles with the meaning of this term, at first thinking it means both he and Nicola will be more open in their feelings towards one another; however, Nicola reveals in very blunt terms what an open relationship entails.
As Nicola and Anne-Marie leave the flat, Anton and Frank confide in each other about their nights. Anton reveals what’s happening with Nicola, which makes Franks show sympathy towards him. Frank then talks about Anne-Marie and that he plans to tell her how he feels very soon.
Norovirus (Episode 4) - Synopsis
The episode starts in the Call Centre office with Frank and Betty at the beginning of their relationship, and both can’t keep their hands off each other. This annoys Barbara, Frank’s boss, who has a crush on Frank, and she has a pep talk to warn him off girls like Betty.
Later at work Frank is invited to a pregnant woman’s leaving party, but declines the offer as he barely knows her. This is seen as bad office etiquette and Betty becomes annoyed at Frank for being anti-social. Frank then refuses to give money to a girl at work who’s trying to raise money for charity, which again annoys Betty and Barbara as well. When Anton hears about this, he starts to goad Frank, which makes Frank donate £1 to a charity bucket man. Anton follows suit, but accidentally donates £2 instead of £1. He asks for the £1 back but the charity bucket man refuses, which leads to Anton wrestling him to the ground, demanding the money back.
Frank shrugs off Betty’s annoyance and plays football after work with Anton and his friends, an idea of Anton’s in another attempt to woo Nicola. Whilst playing football Frank has a bout of Norovirus, which leads to him being violently sick and then collapsing. At first Anton laughs hysterically before reacting in disbelief and then aggression when people suggest they should take him to the hospital.
In hospital Frank is quickly ushered out by the nurse as Anton accuses Frank of faking the illness and ruining his chances with Nicola. Once it’s revealed that Frank is actually quite ill, Anton runs away and leaves Frank to walk home by himself back to the flat. In the flat Frank wakes up to find Barbara on his bed and she starts talking to him seductively. Betty then visits Frank and acts very sympathetic towards his situation at first. However, this quickly changes as she finds that Frank forgot to add Xs on the end of the text when he was in the ambulance. They both argue and Betty swiftly leaves.
After Betty leaves Anton continually talks about her bisexuality and how she will probably get off with a man or woman at the work party. Frank, beset by jealousy and bed-ridden, decides to go to the woman’s leaving party, despite his obvious ill-health. Anton joins him as well.
At the leaving party Frank and Anton arrive, with Frank clearly unwell. He throws up all over the table and the pregnant woman’s leaving presents before passing out. Anton, Betty and Barbara then argue over who should look after Frank. Eventually Betty takes Frank away, as Anton tries, and fails, to get off with Frank’s female work colleagues.
Anton and Betty then take Frank back home and meet Nicola at the taxi rank, who gets in with them after an unsuccessful date with a random chav. In the taxi, everyone realises they don’t have enough money and Anton jumps out and runs back to the flat. The taxi driver tells them that if they can’t pay then Nicola and Betty have to snog each other to make up for the lack of a fare.
After the snog Nicola looks visibly turned on but Betty just shrugs it off and takes Frank inside. Nicola follows Frank and Betty into the flat and both find Anton panting after running away from the taxi. Nicola then starts kissing Anton and leads him into the bedroom to sex with him to prove that she’s straight after the kiss. Anton is gobsmacked and slightly confused but goes along with it anyway.
Later at work Frank is invited to a pregnant woman’s leaving party, but declines the offer as he barely knows her. This is seen as bad office etiquette and Betty becomes annoyed at Frank for being anti-social. Frank then refuses to give money to a girl at work who’s trying to raise money for charity, which again annoys Betty and Barbara as well. When Anton hears about this, he starts to goad Frank, which makes Frank donate £1 to a charity bucket man. Anton follows suit, but accidentally donates £2 instead of £1. He asks for the £1 back but the charity bucket man refuses, which leads to Anton wrestling him to the ground, demanding the money back.
Frank shrugs off Betty’s annoyance and plays football after work with Anton and his friends, an idea of Anton’s in another attempt to woo Nicola. Whilst playing football Frank has a bout of Norovirus, which leads to him being violently sick and then collapsing. At first Anton laughs hysterically before reacting in disbelief and then aggression when people suggest they should take him to the hospital.
In hospital Frank is quickly ushered out by the nurse as Anton accuses Frank of faking the illness and ruining his chances with Nicola. Once it’s revealed that Frank is actually quite ill, Anton runs away and leaves Frank to walk home by himself back to the flat. In the flat Frank wakes up to find Barbara on his bed and she starts talking to him seductively. Betty then visits Frank and acts very sympathetic towards his situation at first. However, this quickly changes as she finds that Frank forgot to add Xs on the end of the text when he was in the ambulance. They both argue and Betty swiftly leaves.
After Betty leaves Anton continually talks about her bisexuality and how she will probably get off with a man or woman at the work party. Frank, beset by jealousy and bed-ridden, decides to go to the woman’s leaving party, despite his obvious ill-health. Anton joins him as well.
At the leaving party Frank and Anton arrive, with Frank clearly unwell. He throws up all over the table and the pregnant woman’s leaving presents before passing out. Anton, Betty and Barbara then argue over who should look after Frank. Eventually Betty takes Frank away, as Anton tries, and fails, to get off with Frank’s female work colleagues.
Anton and Betty then take Frank back home and meet Nicola at the taxi rank, who gets in with them after an unsuccessful date with a random chav. In the taxi, everyone realises they don’t have enough money and Anton jumps out and runs back to the flat. The taxi driver tells them that if they can’t pay then Nicola and Betty have to snog each other to make up for the lack of a fare.
After the snog Nicola looks visibly turned on but Betty just shrugs it off and takes Frank inside. Nicola follows Frank and Betty into the flat and both find Anton panting after running away from the taxi. Nicola then starts kissing Anton and leads him into the bedroom to sex with him to prove that she’s straight after the kiss. Anton is gobsmacked and slightly confused but goes along with it anyway.
Monday 2 August 2010
Night of the Living Chavs Part One
No-one likes chavs and, like some sort of hideous pandemic, they seem to be multiplying by the second. This is where the 'Night of the Living Chavs' idea came from. Normal people turning to chavs, the moment one of the scumbags look at them and mutter the line "What you looking at?!"
Int. A smartly dressed man walking down a street glances up and catches the attention of a chav for a split second.
Chav: What you looking at?!
The man ignores the comment and walks on.
Man: Aaahhh! (Holds his head as if a sharp pain has just penetrated his skull).
Man ignores the pain and walks to meet his girlfriend. They both hug and walk down the High Street.
The scene moves to a shot of the man and his girlfriend in JD Sports.
Girlfriend: I don’t know why you want to go here? You only ever go here to get sports clothes and you have enough already.
Man: I just liked the look of a few clothes in here. Can’t be any harm to have a look.
Girlfriend: Fine (looking annoyed).
Shot of the changing room. Man walks out in a full-on tracksuit ensemble (all white number).
Man: (Looking pleased with himself) So what do you think then?
Girlfriend: You look like a chav!
Man: (Looks at himself in the mirror) Oh ye of course I do. God, don’t know what I was thinking.
Man goes back to changing rooms.
Scene goes to the man’s bedroom in the morning. The Girlfriend leaves the bed and gets up.
Girlfriend: Come on lazy bones. Get up!
Girlfriend removes the duvet to find the man dressed up in a full-on chav tracksuit ensemble.
Girlfriend: (Screaming) Oh my god what’s happened to you?!?!
Man: (Half asleep) What, what?! (Looks at himself in the mirror). Shit! What the fuck has happened to me blud!
Girlfriend: Blud?! What does that mean sweetie?
Man: (Gets up) I don’t know, I don’t know what’s happened (Suddenly gets another sharp pain in his head) AAAAAHHHHHHH!
Girlfriend: What’s wrong sweetie?
Man: (Turns around to look at is girlfriend) What the fuck you looking at?!
Girlfriend: (Gets sharp pain in her head) AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Shot of the house completely destroyed. The two BMWs have been replaced with a quad bike, a mini-moto and two mopeds. The house is in a complete state and the couple are drinking Super Tennants, strong cider and watching Jeremy Kyle on TV, while dressed in a full tracksuit ensemble and shouting at each other in unrecognisable chav speak.
Int. A smartly dressed man walking down a street glances up and catches the attention of a chav for a split second.
Chav: What you looking at?!
The man ignores the comment and walks on.
Man: Aaahhh! (Holds his head as if a sharp pain has just penetrated his skull).
Man ignores the pain and walks to meet his girlfriend. They both hug and walk down the High Street.
The scene moves to a shot of the man and his girlfriend in JD Sports.
Girlfriend: I don’t know why you want to go here? You only ever go here to get sports clothes and you have enough already.
Man: I just liked the look of a few clothes in here. Can’t be any harm to have a look.
Girlfriend: Fine (looking annoyed).
Shot of the changing room. Man walks out in a full-on tracksuit ensemble (all white number).
Man: (Looking pleased with himself) So what do you think then?
Girlfriend: You look like a chav!
Man: (Looks at himself in the mirror) Oh ye of course I do. God, don’t know what I was thinking.
Man goes back to changing rooms.
Scene goes to the man’s bedroom in the morning. The Girlfriend leaves the bed and gets up.
Girlfriend: Come on lazy bones. Get up!
Girlfriend removes the duvet to find the man dressed up in a full-on chav tracksuit ensemble.
Girlfriend: (Screaming) Oh my god what’s happened to you?!?!
Man: (Half asleep) What, what?! (Looks at himself in the mirror). Shit! What the fuck has happened to me blud!
Girlfriend: Blud?! What does that mean sweetie?
Man: (Gets up) I don’t know, I don’t know what’s happened (Suddenly gets another sharp pain in his head) AAAAAHHHHHHH!
Girlfriend: What’s wrong sweetie?
Man: (Turns around to look at is girlfriend) What the fuck you looking at?!
Girlfriend: (Gets sharp pain in her head) AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Shot of the house completely destroyed. The two BMWs have been replaced with a quad bike, a mini-moto and two mopeds. The house is in a complete state and the couple are drinking Super Tennants, strong cider and watching Jeremy Kyle on TV, while dressed in a full tracksuit ensemble and shouting at each other in unrecognisable chav speak.
Sunday 1 August 2010
The Date (Episode 3) - Synopsis
The episode revolves around Frank’s date with Betty, the girl he met at the flat party.
The episode starts in the office with Stu taunting Frank for not seeming interested in girls. This makes Frank reveal that he has a date with Betty from the office. Stu seems shocked and soon reveals to Frank that Betty is a bisexual. This makes Frank slightly worried as he looks over at Betty laughing with a man and woman and a bit of jealousy starts to set in. Frank's insecurity is made worse by Anton who reveals that Frank will have to be constantly on his guard as Betty could be interested in anyone, not just one sex.
On the actual date Franks is instantly annoyed because Betty turns up late for the cinema. She seems unapologetic, which annoys Frank even more, but he still persists. At the cinema Betty tries to talk to Frank throughout, irritating him and the people around them.
Both then move onto a cocktail bar that Betty recommends, but Frank doesn't seem keen, especially when the bar is revealed to not even sell beer. The date soon moves from bad to worse as Frank is introduced to Betty’s best friend Gay James. All three sit at a table together, as Gay James and Betty laugh hysterically at each other’s jokes and previous sexual experiences while Frank sits there silently, getting more and more drunk.
Eventually Frank and Gay James are left alone, which leads to Frank inadvertedly insulting Gay James by claiming his job as a ‘Contact Centre Software Developer’ is not what homosexuals usually do, as it sounds like a “normal person’s job”. This leads to Gay James storming off.
When Betty questions Frank about why Gay James has stormed off an argument quickly ensues between both, which leads to Frank shouting at an arrogant cocktail barman who’s been annoying him all night. This leads to a further confrontation between Frank and Betty.
In the taxi home, Betty shouts at Frank for showing little sympathy when she loses her bank card and she leaves the taxi. When Frank arrives home, he realises he has her bank card. Betty comes round but seems to think this was a perfectly formulated plan by Frank to get her to come back to his flat. They end up kissing and Betty stays the night.
The episode starts in the office with Stu taunting Frank for not seeming interested in girls. This makes Frank reveal that he has a date with Betty from the office. Stu seems shocked and soon reveals to Frank that Betty is a bisexual. This makes Frank slightly worried as he looks over at Betty laughing with a man and woman and a bit of jealousy starts to set in. Frank's insecurity is made worse by Anton who reveals that Frank will have to be constantly on his guard as Betty could be interested in anyone, not just one sex.
On the actual date Franks is instantly annoyed because Betty turns up late for the cinema. She seems unapologetic, which annoys Frank even more, but he still persists. At the cinema Betty tries to talk to Frank throughout, irritating him and the people around them.
Both then move onto a cocktail bar that Betty recommends, but Frank doesn't seem keen, especially when the bar is revealed to not even sell beer. The date soon moves from bad to worse as Frank is introduced to Betty’s best friend Gay James. All three sit at a table together, as Gay James and Betty laugh hysterically at each other’s jokes and previous sexual experiences while Frank sits there silently, getting more and more drunk.
Eventually Frank and Gay James are left alone, which leads to Frank inadvertedly insulting Gay James by claiming his job as a ‘Contact Centre Software Developer’ is not what homosexuals usually do, as it sounds like a “normal person’s job”. This leads to Gay James storming off.
When Betty questions Frank about why Gay James has stormed off an argument quickly ensues between both, which leads to Frank shouting at an arrogant cocktail barman who’s been annoying him all night. This leads to a further confrontation between Frank and Betty.
In the taxi home, Betty shouts at Frank for showing little sympathy when she loses her bank card and she leaves the taxi. When Frank arrives home, he realises he has her bank card. Betty comes round but seems to think this was a perfectly formulated plan by Frank to get her to come back to his flat. They end up kissing and Betty stays the night.
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