In the race for the White House, Sarah Palin is set to kill an Arab after seeing President Obama's popularity rise after the death of bin-Laden in May.
Sarah Palin remains amazed that a socialist, terrorist, Muslim who wasn't even born in the USA has managed to achieve such popularity in the past few months and has concluded that this was down to him killing an Arab.
An inside source for the White House said, "Unfortunately as president of the US, you don't get popular by trying to provide free healthcare. The way you can really make a difference to US society and become truly popular is by killing an Arab. It appears that the Sarah Palin campaign team has taken note of this and decided to do the same."
It has not yet been decided as to how Sarah Palin will kill an Arab or where it will take place. At the moment it is likely to be a random Arab inside a mosque or home. But other more creative methods are also being suggested, with one of the ideas being that an Arab is captured and set free in some woods, so Mrs Palin can hunt them down personally.
This idea of hunting and killing innocent civilians would resonate well with the Republican Party and the more right-wing Tea Party, and provide increased support for the Palin 2012 Presidential campaign.
However, it appears that rival candidate Michele Bachmann will go that one step further by hunting down both socialists and Arabs in a multiple killing spree, which would see her overtake Palin in the American polls.
Monday 27 June 2011
Saturday 25 June 2011
2012 Olympic ticket hopefuls set for further challenges
The hundreds of people that actually received 2012 Olympic tickets are set for further challenges to prove themselves before the Games next year.
Despite winning tickets for the 2012 Games earlier this month, the application process is not yet over and further challenges are expected to be announced later this year.
Those that won tickets will not be allowed into the event until they have beat Lord Coe in a 1500 metre race; beat Jonathan Edwards in the triple jump; beat Sir Steve Redgrave in a one-on-one rowing contest; completed a rubix cube; and, beat Linford Christie in a penis size contest, effectively ruling women out of their tickets.
The new application process has been decided by the Olympic committee to only attract those that truly deserve a place at "the greatest show on Earth."
Speaking about the next round in the application process, Lord Coe said "We want tickets to go to the most deserving candidates. Anyone that beats Linford Christie in a penis size contest deserves to be there."
However, the latest application process has raised fresh doubts whether anyone will actually be able to watch the 2012 Games.
David Watson, 46, from East Ham said "Getting the bloody tickets in the first place was hard enough! I've had to beg my bank for more money, and now they expect me to beat Linford Christie in a penis size contest! Who do they think we are? Bloody porn stars or something!"
The Olympic Committee has stated that it will listen to concerns from members of the public about the ticketing process, but believes the company they hired from Nigeria to take people's money before they receive the tickets are doing a "great job."
Despite winning tickets for the 2012 Games earlier this month, the application process is not yet over and further challenges are expected to be announced later this year.
Those that won tickets will not be allowed into the event until they have beat Lord Coe in a 1500 metre race; beat Jonathan Edwards in the triple jump; beat Sir Steve Redgrave in a one-on-one rowing contest; completed a rubix cube; and, beat Linford Christie in a penis size contest, effectively ruling women out of their tickets.
The new application process has been decided by the Olympic committee to only attract those that truly deserve a place at "the greatest show on Earth."
Speaking about the next round in the application process, Lord Coe said "We want tickets to go to the most deserving candidates. Anyone that beats Linford Christie in a penis size contest deserves to be there."
However, the latest application process has raised fresh doubts whether anyone will actually be able to watch the 2012 Games.
David Watson, 46, from East Ham said "Getting the bloody tickets in the first place was hard enough! I've had to beg my bank for more money, and now they expect me to beat Linford Christie in a penis size contest! Who do they think we are? Bloody porn stars or something!"
The Olympic Committee has stated that it will listen to concerns from members of the public about the ticketing process, but believes the company they hired from Nigeria to take people's money before they receive the tickets are doing a "great job."
Thursday 23 June 2011
VIDEO: Night of the Living Chavs
Night of the Living Chavs has been brought to life through the magic of YouTube. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bf7PKt4ZPf0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bf7PKt4ZPf0
Saturday 11 June 2011
Government Reveals Fears For Future Due To Music Festival Behaviour
In the light of Leicester City Council admitting that they aren't prepared for a zombie invasion, the Government has today admitted their own concerns about the British publics ability to handle any kind of post-apocalyptic scenario, primarily due to their behaviour at music festivals.
A political insider has claimed that an on-going Government study has been taking place at British music festivals for the past 20 years, as the isolated community feel they offer to attendees, with basic and scarce properties, along with little-to-no luxury, is reminiscent of what we could face should some kind of catastrophic event hit our beloved country.
The results are not encouraging.
Of most concern is how quickly normal, decent human beings descend into Neanderthal animals. When they arrive at the festival site these people are all smiles, flashing peace signs with their fingers, smiling and full of goodwill to their fellow man. However, in the space of three, sometimes only two days, these people descend to lows that would make a stray cat shudder.
Festival goers soon partake in eating food with their bare hands, or eating cold food straight out of tins; they urinate into plastic pint containers and then launch them into crowded areas; outbreaks of violence are common, and over trivial matters, they steal each others property, roll around in mud and puddles, puddles that they presume are water, sometimes naked; they riot, start fires, smash up festival property, shitting everywhere because the proper toilet facilities got so horrendously bad that people would rather poo in the bushes. Everyone partakes in a three day drunken bender, constantly sipping alcohol, brushing their teeth with gin and washing their face with strongbow, before snorting lines of coke of the foreheads of innocent children. Casual sex takes place at any given opportunity as men simply shout moronic statements at women, who in response remove their clothes and drop down to all fours.
Madness also appears to set in incredibly quickly, as statements such as "Scouting For Girls are such an awesome band, easily one of the best bands around at the moment", "Sex On Fire is Kings Of Leon's best track by far" and "Where do they play the old skool garage at?", can be heard, and with the intention of being taken seriously as sane statements.
Everyone becomes a massive dick, basically. Well, not everyone, obviously. But most.
Such a rapid descent into idiocy has caused ministers to start taking precautionary measures for the end of the world. London Zoo has been put on alert so that should the British populace be wiped out, the animals therein can ably take our place and continue the traditions and customs of our once proud country.
A political insider has claimed that an on-going Government study has been taking place at British music festivals for the past 20 years, as the isolated community feel they offer to attendees, with basic and scarce properties, along with little-to-no luxury, is reminiscent of what we could face should some kind of catastrophic event hit our beloved country.
The results are not encouraging.
Of most concern is how quickly normal, decent human beings descend into Neanderthal animals. When they arrive at the festival site these people are all smiles, flashing peace signs with their fingers, smiling and full of goodwill to their fellow man. However, in the space of three, sometimes only two days, these people descend to lows that would make a stray cat shudder.
Festival goers soon partake in eating food with their bare hands, or eating cold food straight out of tins; they urinate into plastic pint containers and then launch them into crowded areas; outbreaks of violence are common, and over trivial matters, they steal each others property, roll around in mud and puddles, puddles that they presume are water, sometimes naked; they riot, start fires, smash up festival property, shitting everywhere because the proper toilet facilities got so horrendously bad that people would rather poo in the bushes. Everyone partakes in a three day drunken bender, constantly sipping alcohol, brushing their teeth with gin and washing their face with strongbow, before snorting lines of coke of the foreheads of innocent children. Casual sex takes place at any given opportunity as men simply shout moronic statements at women, who in response remove their clothes and drop down to all fours.
Madness also appears to set in incredibly quickly, as statements such as "Scouting For Girls are such an awesome band, easily one of the best bands around at the moment", "Sex On Fire is Kings Of Leon's best track by far" and "Where do they play the old skool garage at?", can be heard, and with the intention of being taken seriously as sane statements.
Everyone becomes a massive dick, basically. Well, not everyone, obviously. But most.
Such a rapid descent into idiocy has caused ministers to start taking precautionary measures for the end of the world. London Zoo has been put on alert so that should the British populace be wiped out, the animals therein can ably take our place and continue the traditions and customs of our once proud country.
Wednesday 8 June 2011
'Fraping' Leads To Reducing Of Openly Gay Men
A study by the magazine Gay Times has revealed that the act of 'Facebook raping', or 'fraping', has led to a sudden drop in the number of men willing to admit that they are homosexual for fear of being lynched by their friends.
Wilfred St. Dove, a Gay Times spokesman, explained that 'even though 'fraping' has become so common place, boring and tedious, people still seem to do it in record numbers. But it is the reaction to the apparently joke gay confessional status updates that has caused nervous homosexuals to shrink away in fear.'
Examples of such 'frapes', in which an unwitting person leaves their Facebook account logged in or unattended while in the company of others, include: Mr X is a fukin masif homo n luvz huge dick up the arse; Mr X loves it when my boyfriend blows his huge steaming load all over my face; Mr X wants to get his back door smashed in by a fleet of sailors tonight; Mr X is chilling out to some Elton John tonight; Mr X is gay.
Such reactions to these fraped status updates include: Gutted u nob allwaiz new u waz a batti boi!11!; What would you're family say you filthy faggot? rolf; I heard you liked facials; We can't be friends anymore, I hate gays lmao; I'm so disappointed, what a waste!
Mr. St. Dove claims that the Facebook public are regularly mistaking confessional status updates for 'frapes', publicly humiliating friends who are simply trying to open up about their sexual preferences. Naturally, the person trying to make the revelation goes along with the joke because they have suddenly realised that all of their friends are violent homophobes.
Mr St. Dove has urged all Facebook users to use some common sense when using the website, but is holding out little hope of that happening.
Wilfred St. Dove, a Gay Times spokesman, explained that 'even though 'fraping' has become so common place, boring and tedious, people still seem to do it in record numbers. But it is the reaction to the apparently joke gay confessional status updates that has caused nervous homosexuals to shrink away in fear.'
Examples of such 'frapes', in which an unwitting person leaves their Facebook account logged in or unattended while in the company of others, include: Mr X is a fukin masif homo n luvz huge dick up the arse; Mr X loves it when my boyfriend blows his huge steaming load all over my face; Mr X wants to get his back door smashed in by a fleet of sailors tonight; Mr X is chilling out to some Elton John tonight; Mr X is gay.
Such reactions to these fraped status updates include: Gutted u nob allwaiz new u waz a batti boi!11!; What would you're family say you filthy faggot? rolf; I heard you liked facials; We can't be friends anymore, I hate gays lmao; I'm so disappointed, what a waste!
Mr. St. Dove claims that the Facebook public are regularly mistaking confessional status updates for 'frapes', publicly humiliating friends who are simply trying to open up about their sexual preferences. Naturally, the person trying to make the revelation goes along with the joke because they have suddenly realised that all of their friends are violent homophobes.
Mr St. Dove has urged all Facebook users to use some common sense when using the website, but is holding out little hope of that happening.
Ryan Giggs Discovers Life On Mars, Has Numerous Affairs
The tawdry affair of Ryan Giggs' private life took a shocking revelation last night when it was revealed that the Manchester United midfielder was the first man to discover life on Mars during the summer of 2009. Unsurprisingly, though, this feat has been tarnished by the simultaneous revelation that Giggs then partook in a string of sexual affairs with numerous Martian females.
It is unclear how long Giggs worked on his Mars project before landing on the Red Planet, but it is apparent that when the 2008/09 Barclay's Premiership season came to an end, Giggs hopped into his home made space shuttle, sponsored by Reebok, and blasted off into outer space.
Upon his arrival Giggs immediately sought out the hottest Martian nightclubs, impressing all females he encountered immediately with his stories about being the greatest human being on Earth, alive or dead. It is understood that Giggs then started the first five of his twenty-seven sexual affairs that very night, with all of the left footed lothario's love victims being described as 'ridic hot Martain crumpet' with 'tight, if not slightly slimey bodies.' It is understood that Giggs did not judge the Martians for their slimey bodies, as they did not judge him for his.
Worst of all, though, is the news that Giggs fathered 14 hybrid children, with 5 different mothers involved, each unaware of the existence of the other mothers and children. It is understood, though, that each of the five Martian females are willing to stand by their man and his vast fortune, along with his Earthling female wife, and his brother's wife. Imogen and all of the other Earthling females he bedded are over him, though.
Meanwhile, it is understood that the Welsh FA are investigating the legitimacy of Giggs' bastard Martian offspring playing for the Welsh national side as they are beyond desperate for decent players, but it is believed that they would prefer to play for the Republic of Ireland.
It is unclear how long Giggs worked on his Mars project before landing on the Red Planet, but it is apparent that when the 2008/09 Barclay's Premiership season came to an end, Giggs hopped into his home made space shuttle, sponsored by Reebok, and blasted off into outer space.
Upon his arrival Giggs immediately sought out the hottest Martian nightclubs, impressing all females he encountered immediately with his stories about being the greatest human being on Earth, alive or dead. It is understood that Giggs then started the first five of his twenty-seven sexual affairs that very night, with all of the left footed lothario's love victims being described as 'ridic hot Martain crumpet' with 'tight, if not slightly slimey bodies.' It is understood that Giggs did not judge the Martians for their slimey bodies, as they did not judge him for his.
Worst of all, though, is the news that Giggs fathered 14 hybrid children, with 5 different mothers involved, each unaware of the existence of the other mothers and children. It is understood, though, that each of the five Martian females are willing to stand by their man and his vast fortune, along with his Earthling female wife, and his brother's wife. Imogen and all of the other Earthling females he bedded are over him, though.
Meanwhile, it is understood that the Welsh FA are investigating the legitimacy of Giggs' bastard Martian offspring playing for the Welsh national side as they are beyond desperate for decent players, but it is believed that they would prefer to play for the Republic of Ireland.
Tuesday 7 June 2011
Simon Cowell has Human Centipede of former X-Factor contestants
An undercover reporter has exclusively revealed that Simon Cowell has a human centipede of former X-Factor contestants in the basement of his house.
Inside sources have claimed that Cowell has created a human centipede due to his arousal at the total humiliation of his victims, which is shown every Saturday night on X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent.
A close friend of Simon Cowell said, "When he was a judge on X-Factor, he used to masturbate under the judging table when a wannabe singer, who wasn't very good, got humiliated by him, the judges and the audience."
"However, it seems he took this too far, rounding up all these untalented X-Factor contestants and creating a human centipede from them."
"At the end of the day, there's nothing more humiliating than someone crapping in your mouth and this disgusting humiliation is what turns Simon on."
It has been revealed that Simon Cowell used to perform sick acts on himself for sexual gratification while watching the human centipede. However, he has since toned down his masturbation by swapping sandpaper with the tears of Cheryl Cole.
Since the undercover sting by reporters, the human centipede has been retrieved by police but Cowell has since convinced them to let him use the creature for his new programme Britain's Got The Human Centipede Factor.
The programme will mainly consist of the human centipede walking around stage while the audience boo and laugh hysterically and the judges call it a rubbish singer who will never make it in show business.
Inside sources have claimed that Cowell has created a human centipede due to his arousal at the total humiliation of his victims, which is shown every Saturday night on X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent.
A close friend of Simon Cowell said, "When he was a judge on X-Factor, he used to masturbate under the judging table when a wannabe singer, who wasn't very good, got humiliated by him, the judges and the audience."
"However, it seems he took this too far, rounding up all these untalented X-Factor contestants and creating a human centipede from them."
"At the end of the day, there's nothing more humiliating than someone crapping in your mouth and this disgusting humiliation is what turns Simon on."
It has been revealed that Simon Cowell used to perform sick acts on himself for sexual gratification while watching the human centipede. However, he has since toned down his masturbation by swapping sandpaper with the tears of Cheryl Cole.
Since the undercover sting by reporters, the human centipede has been retrieved by police but Cowell has since convinced them to let him use the creature for his new programme Britain's Got The Human Centipede Factor.
The programme will mainly consist of the human centipede walking around stage while the audience boo and laugh hysterically and the judges call it a rubbish singer who will never make it in show business.
Monday 6 June 2011
Facebook does not cure illness, warns Doctors
UK doctors have warned Facebook users that the social networking site does not cure illness.
This follows research that revealed around 57 per cent of Facebook status updates were from people moaning about an illness and not actually doing anything about it.
These "ill" Facebook updates follow a sharp decline in the amount of people visiting their doctor.
One doctor said, "It seems that many people are using Facebook looking for solutions to their illness rather than just visiting their doctors."
"I don't know what people are trying to achieve by putting 'I'm sooooooo ill' as their Facebook status update. A cure? Sympathy? I just don't know."
"One thing's for sure, nothing will get achieved if someone claims they're ill on Facebook. They may as well visit their doctor."
The research follows the Daily Mail story last week that claimed someone continually stated they had 'Chlamydia' without going to visit their doctor. The person then became one of the characters on 'Geordie Shore' making it worse and spreading the illness to others.
This follows research that revealed around 57 per cent of Facebook status updates were from people moaning about an illness and not actually doing anything about it.
These "ill" Facebook updates follow a sharp decline in the amount of people visiting their doctor.
One doctor said, "It seems that many people are using Facebook looking for solutions to their illness rather than just visiting their doctors."
"I don't know what people are trying to achieve by putting 'I'm sooooooo ill' as their Facebook status update. A cure? Sympathy? I just don't know."
"One thing's for sure, nothing will get achieved if someone claims they're ill on Facebook. They may as well visit their doctor."
The research follows the Daily Mail story last week that claimed someone continually stated they had 'Chlamydia' without going to visit their doctor. The person then became one of the characters on 'Geordie Shore' making it worse and spreading the illness to others.
Thursday 2 June 2011
A letter to the BBC Comedy Department
Dear BBC Comedy Department,
I'm writing today to pitch you an idea for a sitcom. No wait don't rip up this letter, please hear me out. I promise it will be worth your while. But, before I pitch you the brilliant sitcom, let me describe how I came to this idea.
Watching BBC sitcoms recently it seems as though you really love ones involving the family. I mean haven't you commissioned a fifteenth series of 'My Family', which is just hilarious and a great example of original comedy on the BBC. Who knows, maybe Robert Lindsay's character will commit suicide when he realises there's a fifteenth series? That could be funny? No?
However, this family theme is not just for one sitcom, there's another one called The Life of Riley. How funny is that? One of the children has glasses and braces! Hilarious. So the BBC likes family sitcoms, which means what I'm pitching to you needs to be family focused. But what else do I need to give my sitcom the x-factor over others?
I think I know the answer, the one and only Will Mellor. He has to be the funniest actor ever. He's just in so many sitcoms - 2 pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (still funny) and White Van Man (original), to name a few. He must be funny, surely? He's just in so many funny programmes. Funny man. Funny.
So with all of the above in mind I have come up with the most unbelievable, mind-numbingly amazing sitcom idea ever. The idea I'm proposing is......Oh wait, I've just seen a new sitcom advertised on the BBC, wait a minute......a new family sitcom starring Will Mellor, In With the Flynns. Oh shit, that's my idea out the window.
Well I'm out of ideas now.....that's a shame. Maybe I could come back with something (un)original later. In the meantime I'm looking forward to another family sitcom in the near future and another series of Coming of Age - I mean that shit is hilarious! Anyway, I digress, we'll speak to you soon with more crazy ideas. Keep the humour up, I'm eagerly awaiting the third series of Life of Riley, fingers crossed there will be a joke in it this time. Right time to go.
Speak laters,
Jack.
I'm writing today to pitch you an idea for a sitcom. No wait don't rip up this letter, please hear me out. I promise it will be worth your while. But, before I pitch you the brilliant sitcom, let me describe how I came to this idea.
Watching BBC sitcoms recently it seems as though you really love ones involving the family. I mean haven't you commissioned a fifteenth series of 'My Family', which is just hilarious and a great example of original comedy on the BBC. Who knows, maybe Robert Lindsay's character will commit suicide when he realises there's a fifteenth series? That could be funny? No?
However, this family theme is not just for one sitcom, there's another one called The Life of Riley. How funny is that? One of the children has glasses and braces! Hilarious. So the BBC likes family sitcoms, which means what I'm pitching to you needs to be family focused. But what else do I need to give my sitcom the x-factor over others?
I think I know the answer, the one and only Will Mellor. He has to be the funniest actor ever. He's just in so many sitcoms - 2 pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (still funny) and White Van Man (original), to name a few. He must be funny, surely? He's just in so many funny programmes. Funny man. Funny.
So with all of the above in mind I have come up with the most unbelievable, mind-numbingly amazing sitcom idea ever. The idea I'm proposing is......Oh wait, I've just seen a new sitcom advertised on the BBC, wait a minute......a new family sitcom starring Will Mellor, In With the Flynns. Oh shit, that's my idea out the window.
Well I'm out of ideas now.....that's a shame. Maybe I could come back with something (un)original later. In the meantime I'm looking forward to another family sitcom in the near future and another series of Coming of Age - I mean that shit is hilarious! Anyway, I digress, we'll speak to you soon with more crazy ideas. Keep the humour up, I'm eagerly awaiting the third series of Life of Riley, fingers crossed there will be a joke in it this time. Right time to go.
Speak laters,
Jack.
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