Harry Redknapp hired by RBS

Football manager Harry Redknapp has today been hired by the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) as their chief economic advisor.

The banking firm, which is 80% owned by the UK taxpayer, decided to make the move after Mr Redknapp managed to successfully communicate no knowledge or memory of his financial misdemeanors in his trial for tax evasion this past week.

The banking firm were also encouraged by Mr Redknapp's admission that he writes like a two year old, as this immediately gives him a huge advantage over many of the RBS's employees.

An RBS spokesperson says, "We are delighted to welcome Harry Redknapp onto the RBS team and feel he can really turn around the firm's fortunes. During the trial we have seen how Mr Redknapp skillfully avoided tax and feel this is something we can use to good effect at RBS."

"Moreover his popularity with Spurs fans, many of whom are members of the Jewish community, will mean he's popular with our bankers, lawyers and accountants, many of whom are members of the Jewish community."

However, the news that a football manager has been hired by the RBS has been received negatively by the UK taxpayer.

A spokesperson for the UK Taxpayer Alliance said, "The UK public is already disillusioned with RBS after employees at the company received record bonuses courtesy of the UK taxpayer, so hiring someone with no knowledge of the financial sector is an extreme oversight on their part."

Mr Redknapp is set to be paid over £1 million for his role as the RBS's financial advisor, with any extra bonuses being paid into a special account in the name of his pet dog.

Record January masturbation levels down to Henry and Iron Lady

Masturbation levels for January have reached a record high following the two month loan signing by Arsenal of Thierry Henry and the release of Margaret Thatcher film, The Iron Lady.

The two month loan signing of Henry prompted many over excited Arsenal fans to blow their load and then express their intense masturbatory delight over the return of the club's legend on Facebook.

One status update from a fan read: "OMG OMG da king is bak. Henry is sik. Henry is sik", with many echoing similar sentiments.

The masturbation levels over the return of Henry then reached a record high after his goal against Leeds in the FA Cup, with many too excited to Tweet or Facebook after covering themselves in their own semen in celebration.

In addition to Arsenal fans, the other group of people playing a significant role in these record January masturbation levels were Young Conservatives who watched the new cinematic release, The Iron Lady.

The film about former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher led to many double-barreled tossers in the cinema audience masturbating to it throughout.

One cinema worker described the situation: "We had a group of Young Conservatives watch the film the other day. During the film they all just got out their cocks and started masturbating. I thought this was just the usual gay activities that most Young Conservatives got up to on a weekend, however, I was later informed that the group masturbation session was over Margaret Thatcher."

He continues "After the film they left laughing talking about how 'hot' Thatcher was, before racially abusing a black colleague of mine. They all found this hilarious. I didn't. Does anyone find Young Conservatives funny?"

The Iron Lady has even led to the re-emergence of a sex act called 'The Thatcher' among Young Conservatives and their girlfriends. The act involves Young male Conservatives dressing up as Welsh Miners while they get anally violated with a strap-on by their girlfriends who are dressed as Margaret Thatcher.

UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 6 (London Date)

Episode six of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’ is the final show of the first series. Frank and Anne-Marie are now seeing more of each other, but Anton is proving to be a drain on Frank’s time and patience as he tries too hard to get over his rejection at the hands of Nicola. At work, Frank has an extremely odd three month performance review, which he passes before having to perform a horrendous forfeit. Frank’s plans to take Anne-Marie out on a London Day Date make Anton furious, but his actions only cause an argument with Frank, and everything reaches an explosive head at the finale.

I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Six: London Day Date

UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 5 (Threesome)

In episode five of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’, Betty asks Frank what his sexual fantasy is. To deflect the question, Frank just answers that it would be a threesome. Betty, however, promises to make this dream a reality. Anton says he wants to go to the gym with Frank because Nicola prefers guys with amazing bodies, but when they get there they see Stu, and thanks to Stu trying to play the big man with the weights, they get kicked out. A double date is arranged, much to Frank’s annoyance, but he cooks a meal for Nicola, Anton and Betty because he says it will be as good as Nando’s. The date descends into farce, though, as Nicola gets drunk and abuses Betty and makes a pass at Frank. Betty leaves the flat promising to return with the third person for the threesome. When she returns she has brought back a man, causing a bust up with Frank. To clear his mind, Frank goes for a walk and encounters a young woman crying on a wall.

I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Five: Threesome