Al-Qaeda using reality TV shows in new recruitment drive

Al-Qaeda has announced its new recruitment programme will consist of clips from UK reality TV shows in a bid to get disgruntled individuals to join the organisation.

The clips will come from UK reality shows such as The Only Way is Essex, Geordie Shore and Made in Chelsea which all show the very worst of western civilization.

Al-Qaeda hope these clips will entice people who have grown disillusioned with western society and are fed up with all the talentless awful people on TV.

Recruitment to al-Qaeda has suffered recently after Jack Bauer assassinated the organisation's leader Osama bin Laden. However, recruitment specialists Reed have developed a programme that they believe will regain people's interest in the organisation.

A spokesperson from Reed said, "Our research shows that those joining al-Qaeda are likely to be really angry with the west. One of the things in western culture most likely to get people angry is reality TV shows. Big Brother has gone but fortunately for us and al-Qaeda there are loads of new shit reality TV shows on air at the moment."

"So far the recruitment drive has worked really well. Applications to join al-Qaeda have trebled since the new programme and applicants have come away from it feeling 250 per cent angrier from before, showing that the clips do work!"

Shadiqa al-Shahabadan, HR Manager at al-Qaeda, said, "We are impressed with the recruitment drive, but feel this is not the only reason why there has been such interest recently. At al-Qaeda we offer competitive packages for employees, such as free accommodation for "freedom fighters", free guns, training schemes, numerous wives and the promise of virgins in the afterlife. This is something that no other employer can match."

Clegg jealous of Cameron and Obama's "special relationship"

Government sources have claimed that Clegg is growing jealous of Prime Minister David Cameron's "special relationship" with Barack Obama.

The special relationship, which started just recently, has led to Nick Clegg acting out at government meetings and changing his Facebook status from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated."

A Liberal Democrat source said, "Every time Cameron leaves the room, Clegg follows him, as he's worried that the Prime Minister is seeing someone behind his back."

The insane jealousy started after David Cameron gushed about his new relationship with US President Barack Obama and how they had a barbecue together, which Nick Clegg was not invited to.

The inside source said, "Mr Cameron never had a barbecue with Nick. They never even ate together, unless Nick was making David his tea. And even then Cameron would just take his food and go and watch TV, not saying one word to him."

Rumours are rife that the Deputy Prime Minister is sending David Cameron over 50 texts and calling him 100 times a day, with the Prime Minister not answering or simply saying that he's too busy.

A Conservative MP said, "At first David truly loved Nick and the first year was like a honeymoon. The way Mr Clegg stabbed the electorate and his own friends in the back really resonated with the Prime Minister and the Tory Party. They were like two peas in a pod. However, it soon became apparent that Mr Clegg was David Cameron's bitch."

"Time after time Nick Clegg was humiliated, which led to distance being created between him and the Prime Minister. Ever since the local elections it seems as though the relationship has become incredibly strained. The new "special relationship" with Obama was the tipping point."

US sources have said that David Cameron is "smitten" with Barack Obama, but the feelings have not been reciprocated by the President. The UK Prime Minister is also startled by Obama's magnetic charisma, but the US President has referred to him as a "posh fool" that "couldn't even high-five properly."

Nick Clegg has gone to extreme lengths to try and salvage his relationship with David Cameron and even promised to screw over more people, such as the NHS, to maintain it.

Two new mega prisons to be built for superinjunction culprits

Two new gigantic prisons are to built for the 75,000 people that broke superinjunctions on numerous footballers, TV stars and actors.

The mega prisons, to be built near the cultural wastelands of Slough and Wolverhampton, will house nearly 40,000 people who breached the superinjunction.

Among those that will be sent to the prisons include five people that called their pub quiz team "What does the o2 arena and Imogen Thomas have in common? They both have Giggs inside them."

A member of the pub quiz team said, "I can't believe we're going to jail, we won best quiz team name for that! It's a lot better than fucking Lionel Tap or Quiz-team Aguilera."

Other people destined for the slammer include Twitter users that thought of humorous Tweets involving the superinjunctees.

One Twitter user said, "I don't even know why I did that tweet about Giggs, I only have 10 followers. I don't even know if anyone listens to me half the time and now I'm going to jail - it takes the piss!"

The legendary footballer was outed by Birmingham MP John Hemming, a Birmingham City fan, who was bitter that Giggs could score yet his beloved Birmingham City failed to do so on regular occasions during the Premier League season.

Mr Hemming said, "Giggs is 37 and yet continues to score. Some of the Birmingham City players are 10, maybe even 15 years younger, and they never seem to score. It's unfair!"

Another footballer that has placed a superinjunction is threatening those that reveal his true identity with legal action and a prison sentence.

The footballer is an England international (somehow) and has been given the initials TSE, which stands for "That Shit England-midfielder." However, others have referred to him as TUTTLORPHATGUBHAUPOSWDHEPFEAWTBOWALWPNSHWGALIW, which stands for "That Useless Twat That Let Ozil Run Past Him And Then Gave Up Because He's A Useless Pile Of Shit, Why Does He Even Play For England? Are We That Bad? Oh Well At Least Wilshere's Playing Now So He Won't Get A Look In. Wanker!"

If more people continue to break superinjunctions then it's rumoured part of the Olympic Stadium will be turned into another mega prison, as half of the stadium will not be needed when West Ham are in League One after 2012.

Liverpool fans go to desperate measures to reclaim past glories

Liverpool fans have gone to drastic measures to reclaim the past glories of the once great football club by building a time machine.

The invention was intended to take the Liverpool fans back to the 1980s where the side dominated England and Europe.

However, it didn't quite go to plan for the intrepid time travellers. After going into the machine the Liverpool fans came out to strike threats, Tory cuts, public discontent, Kenny Dalglish as Liverpool manager, shit music and an IRA bomb threat, but it wasn't the 80s.

At first the Liverpool fans were jubilant and started hugging each other as they were relieved to be away from the mediocrity of the current side.

One fan said, "I don't believe it, we've done it! We're in the 80s. European Cup finals, challenging for titles. This is fucking sound. Best of all we don't have to live off past glories anymore."

Another fan said, "We can tell Rafa not to sign Kromkamp, Josemi, Riera, Voronin, Nunez, Pellegrino, Gonzalez, Ngog, Dossena and Aquilani."

Despite the initial delight, the Liverpool fans eventually realised they weren't in the 80s when they saw the Premiership league table.

The reaction to this was one of absolute frustration. One fan fell to his knees shouting, "I wanted to watch Jan Molby play again, not fucking Lucas. Why?! Why?! Why?!"

However, after being told by his friend to "Calm Down", he pulled himself together and thought of another plan to make Liverpool great again.

It's rumoured that the fans have decided to live off future glories rather than past glories in light of Manchester United now being the most dominant side in English footballing history.

The fans have created a sign ready for next season which says "We will in the future, about 50 years or so, probably have won more than you. What about the present? Who cares. The past? Not anymore. Live for the future. Champions of the Universe 2060/61 (maybe)."

Manchester United's 19th Title Win Causes Celebrations Across UK

Wild celebrations have erupted across the UK following Manchester United's record breaking 19th top flight title victory. Wayne Rooney's second half penalty earned United the requisite point needed to win the league, and fans up and down the country have taken to streets to celebrate - from the Isle of Wight to Inverness, from Kent to Cardiff.

Andrew, 25, from West Sussex (approx. 250 miles from Manchester) claimed; "I can't believe this, it's really nice. It's so difficult being a United fan, it's so tough watching us win trophy after trophy, year after year. It's really frustrating on those rare occasions when things don't go to plan and we lose. I sometimes wish I could support Newcastle or Leeds to save myself the hurt that comes with being a United fan. Last year, when we won nothing, I nearly killed myself because I was so ashamed and disgusted to support a team with no glory, but now we're good again so I'm happy."

Jamal, 23, from Essex (approx. 240 miles from Manchester) wept; "I've waited all my life for this moment, and now it's finally here. I started supporting United in the dark, trophy-less days of 1995 when we had only won a pathetic 9 titles, had only won one double, no treble and when we had a terrible squad and our manager wasn't even a Knight. It took a lot of guts to start supporting such a terrible, woeful team in free fall and with no prospects for the future. But now, now we're the best again and I'm quite pleased."

Gregory, 19, from Cornwall (approx. 330 miles from Manchester) screamed; "I have United running through my veins, it's in my blood. My hairdresser's Uncle was a United fan, and I once met Gary Pallister in a motorway service station, so I was born to be United. I've been to Old Trafford twice as well, once to do the stadium tour and once for an actual game, so this just means the world to me."

These tear soaked, emotion strained words coming from United fans all across the country have only further strengthened the British Media's intention to confirm United as an actual religion. In fact, SKY have now announced a 35 part series called 'The Ferguson Years' which has a total running time of 847 hours, which is coincidentally the amount of time that has been added on in matches in which Manchester United are not winning over the last two years. It is expected that sales of Kleenex will sky rocket when the series commences in the summer.

The United squad, however, are now focusing on their celebrations for the evening. Someone who may or may not be Ryan Giggs is rumoured to be leading the rest of the squad on a night out in Manchester on the hunt for women who may or may not be former Big Brother contestants and/or glamour models.

Google to challenge Facebook in "geek off"

Google and Facebook are set to challenge each other in what tech commentators are calling the ultimate "geek-off."

The feud came to a devastating conclusion following the recent controversy when Facebook hired a PR company to smear Google's privacy and security.

Google found out about this smear campaign after tracking Facebook's movements on Google maps. Facebook responded to this breach of privacy by "fraping" Google's profile writing "Google is taking three cocks up the arse and loves it."

This was enough to push tensions to boiling point and resulted in a Facebook event being organised challenging the two organisations to a "geek off."

The challenges during this "geek off" have not yet been decided but are rumoured to be the following:

- Minesweeper
- Building a robot
- Technic challenge
- Glee club
- Marching band
- Comic book reading
- World of Warcraft
- Warhammer
- Dungeons and dragons

The PR campaign from both sides has started to get nasty with both claiming that the other side is less geeky than them.

Mark Zukerberg CEO of Facebook said, "Everyone at Facebook likes Glee and reads at least 10 comic books per day. We are so much geekier than Google - they probably get so much more girls than us."

Twitter has tried to comment on the "geek off" but Facebook and Google have placed a superinjunction preventing them from doing so.

David Cameron Uses 'Paul Scholes Excuse' Over AV Campaign Behaviour

In the face of mounting criticism over his AV campaigning behaviour, David Cameron has today lashed out at his critics, claiming 'I don't know what all the fuss is about? I'm a Tory, a Tory Prime Minister at that, and this is just what I do.'

Cameron has been accused of treachery, two faced lying, back stabbing and hypocrisy following claims that he campaigned heavily for the 'No to AV', despite having said he would take no such leading role against fellow coalition members. It has also been claimed that up to 90% of the 'No to AV' campaign budget was provided by the Conservative Party.

In his defense, David Cameron has cited the career of Manchester Untied football player Paul Scholes. Despite being widely, and rightly, lauded as one of the best midfield players of his generation, Scholes has had a fortunate knack of going around committing blatant, flagrant, dangerous fouls while rarely getting booked or sent off for it. In fact, rather than having his behaviour frowned upon, Scholes is comforted with the excuse of; "well, he just can't tackle very well, the cheeky little scamp, let him carry on as he is", before having his hair ruffled and then handed a pound to buy some pick 'n' mix on the way home.

Cameron, too, has claimed that as an Eton educated Tory Prime Minister, he should be forgiven his natural tendencies of a ruthless pursuit of total power; shameful, heartless back-stabbing of all those who stand in his way, and his complete and utter obeyance to Lucifer and his minions, the commanders of his eternal soul. In his own words, Cameron insisted, "if Scholesy can get away with a dark side and still be loved, then why can't I?"

Having dodged all questions without an actual answer, Cameron set set out for home at Downing Street. He told the gathered journalists that he had an agreement in place with his wife, Samantha, that if she cooked the dinner and did the ironing then he would let her watch Coronation Street. Whether or not Cameron sticks to his word and lets someone else have half an hour of happiness remains to be seen, but if he doesn't, we shouldn't be surprised anymore.

Clegg promises nude photos of Pippa Middleton to vote for AV

Nick Clegg resorted to desperate measures in an attempt to get the British public, mainly men, to vote for AV.

It's been reported that he promised naked photos of Pippa Middleton if men voted for AV at the recent local elections.

However, like a lot of Nick Clegg's recent promises, it proved to be a load of rubbish and members of the public felt betrayed by him yet again.

One man taken in by the naked Pippa Middleton promise said, "I was promised a naked bridesmaid if I voted 'Yes' to AV, but all I got was a photo of her in a toilet roll dress - everyone's seen that photo."

"Then, when I pressed Clegg on the photo, he gave me another one, but it was of Jordan and not Pippa Middleton. Does he think we're all mugs?!"

Responding to these claims of more false promises Clegg was quick to defend his actions, "Look, under a Coalition government you need to make comprises. Originally I offered Pippa Middleton naked photos but we had to adapt, so instead we offered Katie Price."

Nick Clegg's 'Yes' for AV campaign was dealt a big blow this week when he was named the most hated man in the world by the British public after Osama bin Laden was killed by US forces.

Jack Bauer kills bin Laden in 24 hour mission

It has been revealed that the man behind bin Laden's death is none other than former CIA operative Jack Bauer.

Mr Bauer, who is well-known for completing any mission that could affect the security of the country within 24 hours, did the same during the bin Laden mission and even had time to disappear into the wilderness of the Pakistan mountains where he will remain until the next series.

Barack Obama chose Jack Bauer due to his good relationship with the first black President David Palmer and felt this natural black and white chemistry could be replicated in the bin Laden mission.

At first Mr Bauer was uneasy about coming back to work for the government but was convinced to return within the first two hours of the 24 hour operation if the White House offered two goats he could use in the Pakistan mountains.

After being convinced to take part in the operation, Jack Bauer went into Osama bin Laden's compound alone and unarmed, taking out all of the al-Qaeda leader's men with his bare hands before strangling bin Laden with his beard. This was after Bauer's wife had been raped by Al-Qaeda, son kidnapped by bin Laden, daughter married to one of bin Laden's sons and father revealed to be a Al-Qaeda sypmathiser that had double-crossed the US government, all in the space of 24 hours.

An inside source, "We made it look like the work of America through the unnecessary bombing and subsequent explosion of the compound but really it was all Bauer's work."

President Obama and the CIA were said to be extremely pleased with Bauer's handiwork and urged him to go on more 24 hour missions in Iran, North Korea, Afghanistan, Canada and Mexico.

If the US government is unable to use Bauer in future missions, reports indicate they will call upon Chuck Norris who is able to kick bullets into the heads of his enemies.