Father Christmas accused of giving naughty children presents by Daily Mail

Daily Mail, defenders of "true British values", has today launched a scathing attack on Father Christmas, accusing him of wasting taxpayers' money on children that have been naughty this year.

An undercover report by fearless investigative journalists at the newspaper found that Father Christmas was changing the naughty list so that more children would get presents this year.

This kind gesture by the jolly old man, also known as St Nicholas, was seen as a deliberate waste of taxpayers money and not in line with the austerity measures introduced by the Coalition Government.

A columnist at the Daily Mail called Ima Racistbellend condemned the actions of Father Christmas, "This year has seen some of the naughtiest children come out in force to try and destroy this once great nation. Father Christmas needs to recognise this and respond appropriately by increasing the naughty list and making sure that children on this list know they will not be getting presents this year."

Prime Minister David Cameron was quick to criticise Father Christmas after the report, "The actions taken by Father Christmas do not support our fight against reckless spending and trying to cut costs after the financial mess of the previous government. Naughty children need to learn that if they behave badly then they will not be getting presents. Moreover Father Christmas should ensure it's harder for children to get on the good list to receive presents, as this will reduce costs for the UK taxpayer."

Father Christmas was unavailable for comment on the investigation as he was busy preparing from the festive season. However, the report comes at a bad time for the Lapland resident after several other newspaper articles into his private life have been made public this week.

This included a report by The Guardian which questioned his treatment of Rudolph the Reindeer and his refusal to take him to a vet despite his strange glowing nose and a BBC Panorama episode into the inappropriate working conditions of Elves.

More worryingly, another report in The Sun accused Father Christmas of paedophilic tendencies after it was found that he frequently emptied his sack close to children.

UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 4 (Norovirus)

In episode four of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’ it's Frank’s birthday. However, the day is lacking in cheer as Anton has taken Frank’s wish for a low key, no fuss birthday literally and has planned nothing, nor bought him a present or a card. At work, Frank encounters ‘sponsorship season’, and is submerged by requests for money, mostly for activities that Frank doesn’t deem worthy enough for sponsorship. An after work six-a-side football game soon turns sour after Frank is hit with a sudden bout of norovirus, causing him to vomit repeatedly and pass out on the pitch. Betty rushes round to see Frank, but they fall out over a lack of kisses in one of Frank’s texts. Anton then persuades Frank that he still needs to go out for his birthday drinks because Betty will sleep with someone else as she’s a greedy bisexual. Frank makes it out, but soon falls ill again, so Betty and Anton carry him out to a taxi, where they meet Nicola. They all head back in a cab, but their lack of money to pay for the cab ends up being fortunate for Anton.

I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Four: Norovirus

UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 3 (The Date)

In episode three of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’ Frank arranges a date with the girl from the flat party, Betty. Another co-worker, Stu, a wanna-be rapper, is led to believe that he has insulted Frank’s dead mother, and invites him and Anton round to his garage for some drinks to bury the hatchet. Frank and Anton are introduced to Stu’s rap group friends, otherwise known as White Chocolate. Anton proves himself to be adept at rapping himself, and he takes a shine to the group. Frank finds out that Betty is a bisexual minutes before their date, and is ill at ease with the news. The date is a disaster as Frank and Betty are complete opposites, but a bank card mix up leaves Betty thinking that Frank has romantic intentions.

I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Three: The Date

UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 2 (Flat Party)

In episode two of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’ Anton decideds on Saturday morning to have a flat party that same evening. With Frank, he rushes into town where they encounter a man who spits on the ground every few seconds, and a group of intimidating 15 year old girls. The party is seemingly falling flat until Nicola, the questionable girl of Anton’s desires, relocates an entire party that got shut down by the police to Anton and Frank’s flat. Anton sees this as a chance to make his move on Nicola, but she has other ideas and ends up with another man in Anton’s bedroom under the assumption that he is the manager of Crawley Town Football Club. Frank encounters a woman from his new work place at the party too, who teases him in the toilet and leaves him craving more.

I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Two: Flat Party

UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 1 (Pilot)

As with all writing, it's important to re-write and re-visit your previous work. So, with that in mind, we have re-visited and re-written parts of our unpublished sitcom series 'I'm Not Enjoying This.' First, we start off with the updated Pilot episode (obviously). Enjoy.

I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode One: Pilot

HEADPHONES4CHAVS launches Christmas charity appeal

The youth charity HEADPHONES4CHAVS has launched a special Christmas appeal looking for members of the public to donate their old headphones to chavs during the festive period.

The appeal comes after it was found that only 5 per cent of chavs actually use headphones when listening to music in public places. Instead preferring to let everyone hear whatever 'sick' beats they are listening to.

Dappy, a special spokesperson at HEADPHONES4CHAVS, believes people should be doing more to stop chavs going without headphones during Christmas.

He said, "Bare people have headphones, so why not donate some to my brothers who have to play their music out loud in public places such as the train, bus or even shops. It's just not fair blud."

However, the appeal has bought huge criticism from members of the public who believe they should not have to lend chavs headphones so they can listen to their music by themselves.

One person said, "Yes, I'm fed up of chavs on trains playing their music (and I use the term music loosely) out loud, but we should not have to donate headphones. Surely they could just buy a cheap pair or maybe steal some."

HEADPHONES4CHAVS is set to use aggressive marketing strategies to get donations, starting with a TV advert where a random chav plays his music out loud on his phone while holding it up for three minutes.

Cameron advises Sir Alex on Kneejerk Reaction to Manchester Derby

David Cameron has offered his specialist advise to Sir Alex Ferguson after Manchester United's humbling defeat to Manchester City.

The Prime Minister has advised Sir Alex to provide a kneejerk reaction to the incident, similar to the Coalition government's stance against the rioters in August.

Speaking in the Daily Mail, Mr Cameron said, "Much like how we dealt with the rioters, Sir Alex must seek an appropriate scapegoat to blame for the awful mess. I have drawn up a list which includes Anderson, Evans, Ferdinand and Evra."

"My personal recommendation would be Rio Ferdinand as he comes from a single parent background and was brought up on a council estate."

He continues, "My next step would be to make the entire Manchester United squad work double shifts and not be allowed holiday, just like we did with the police, with the similar threat of chronic cuts in the next few months."

"Once Sir Alex has annoyed his players, I would then do insincere photocalls to prove that both you and them are all in this together. This will gain popularity from the public and cement his position as a great leader of men."

David Cameron's advice has been echoed in numerous football forums with "fans" offering similar kneejerk responses. One fan called RedKev69 said: "Fergies lost it. He dsnt kno wot hes doin. He needs to go b4 he ruins da club I luv."

While another, StretfordSteve69, said: "We need to do away with da hole squad. Every1 needs to go. Esp da midfield and defense. Phil Jones is shit. I knw I said he woz da nxt Duncan Edwards a few wks ago, but hes not, hes shit."

Operation Kneejerk seems to be gathering momentum within the Old Trafford faithful, with many stating that the "tide is turning" and they need to "do something quick" before Manchester City win the Premier League, the Champions League, the FA Cup, the League Cup, the Europa League, the European Cup Winners Cup, the European Super Cup, the World Club Cup, the Johnstone's Paint Trophy, the FA Trophy and the Anglo-Italian Cup, before raping their wives and abusing their children.

Dale Farm evictions attracts more viewers than Big Brother evictions

Channel 5 are said to be furious after the Dale Farm evictions attracted more viewers than any of the Big Brother evictions, including the Celebrity ones.

Despite Richard Desmond putting numerous crappy Big Brother stories on the front page of the newspapers he owns, the Daily Star and Daily Express, the reality TV show has only just managed to beat the ratings of The Farm episode, when Rebecca Loos wanked off a pig.

In retaliation one of Desmond's newspapers the Daily Star is set to take pictures up the skirts of the women gypsy travelers as they leave Dale Farm, while the Daily Express will run their usual benefit scum, "they will give you cancer", "I wish Diana was still here", "this is the fault of the EU" news article about the Dale Farm travelers.

Channel 5 bosses are rapidly trying to think of ideas to stop this slump in Big Brother ratings, with one suggestion being that they house the Dale Farm travelers in the Big Brother house before evicting them one by one.

One Channel 5 employee claimed that it could be "the most exciting Big Brother in years" if they evicted the travelers and would offer the public "pure entertainment."

However, the channel could face stiff competition from ITV, with Simon Cowell wanting to add the gypsy travelers as a new group to the X-Factor competition to improve the programme's recent poor ratings.

This week's news.......

- England Rugby team lose to France in the quarter finals after three players steal the referee's radio and made lewd comments down it, instead of playing rugby. Posh people are hilarious!

- Rooney gets sent off after Dad and Uncle put on bet during Montenegro-England match.

- Amanda Knox is released from prison on the proviso of two bunga-bunga sessions with Berlusconi.

- The pioneer of Apple passes away. RIP Granny Smith.

- George Osborne panics after he hears that there's no more Jobs.

- Daily Mail to sue new film Contagion after it steals the newspaper's tagline "Nothing spreads like fear."

- Heather Mills gets blind drunk during McCartney wedding. Eyewitnesses at the pub said she was "legless."

- X-Factor announces a twist. None of the contestants are actually that talented.

This week's news.......

- Ed Miliband set to have charisma transplant to improve chances of being next Prime Minister.

- George Osborne turns to Plan B...... the singer, to solve the UK's economic problems. Everytime he's asked a question about the economy, Osborne will simply point to Plan B who will rap about how fucked everyone is.

- Berlusconi to sort out Italy's economic problems by not spending money on prostitutes, instead focusing his intentions on Amanda Knox when she's released.

- Tevez says he didn't refuse to play against Bayern Munich, he told Mancini to fuck off then refused to play.

- Daily Mail journalists masturbate over all the photos taken of borderline legal girls in their bikinis because of the hot weather and then write an article about the "disgraceful sexualisation of today's youth."

- Rihanna to get her snatch out in a church for her next music video, after a religious farmer refused to let her film a video in his field in her bikini.

- Conrad Murray to get appointed by the NHS in Glasgow after his trial due to the Doctor's success in dealing with patients constantly high on drugs.

Mick Jagger Changes Name By Deed Poll After Terrible Summer Songs

Legendary leathery Lothario Mick Jagger has announced that he is changing his iconic surname in the wake of two dirge songs achieving chart success with the classic formula of being absolutely appalling. Unfortunately for Sir Mick, both of those songs bore his name in the title, something that has forced the Rolling Stones singer to distance himself from music of such poor quality.

X-Factor also-ran Cher Lloyd released the her debut single 'Swagger Jagger', which topped the UK Singles Chart. Seriously. No, seriously, it did. While not explicitly referring to Sir Mick himself, the snake hipped Stone admitted that he was distressed that people would think he had something to do with the song.

Jagger is quoted as saying; 'obviously when my name was mentioned I wasn't happy, primarily because no one really knows what a 'Swagger Jagger' is, so they just associate it with me, which actually made me vom non-stop for 37 hours. I was most upset.'

Sadly for Sir Mick, Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera also released their duet this summer, titled 'Moves Like Jagger'. Unlike Cher Lloyd's effort, this song explicitly references Jagger himself. This time, Jagger was despondent;

'Don't get me wrong, the song is kinda catchy and all, but don't people listen to lyrics anymore? It's utter shit, and no one has moves like me, I'm Mick Fucking Jagger, Maroon 5 need to check with me before putting out crap like this with my name on it! I chundered hard for 52 and a half consecutive hours.'

Luckily for Mick, his summer of misery has come to an end with the onset of Autumn, but he is taking no risks of a repeat, whatever the season. The artist formerly known as Jagger admitted; 'the experience of this summer has left me shaken, so I'm changing my surname by deed poll. From now on I will be called Mick David Cameron-Clegg. That name is already smeared with shit, and no one in their right mind is going to write a song about those two losers. Plus, it only costs £13.39, this gives me huge satisfaction.'

X-Factor producers laugh at contestant with Alzheimer's

The scandal surrounding the X-Factor has continued after it was revealed that the show's producers convinced a man with Alzheimer's to audition, just so everyone could laugh at him for half an hour.

The man with Alzheimer's, who was wandering around near an X-Factor venue, was targeted by producers who thought it would be "hilarious" to convince the man that he could sing so they could film the audition and broadcast it for ten minutes.

The man with Alzheimer's entered the stage looking dazed and confused, not really knowing how he got there in the first place. As he started to look more and more uncomfortable, audience members began to shout "off, off, off" before he duly obliged.

As the man with Alzheimer's left the stage, producers were seen high-fiving each other, stating loudly that what they had just seen was "the best X-Factor audition ever."

When asked about the man with Alzheimer's, where he came from and who he was, a producer said, "I don't care where he's from. Did you see him on stage? What a dick! We'll probably ask him back next year and do a ten minute feature about a really rubbish singer coming back for another audition. That shit will be hilarious! We should probably bring back Simon especially for that audition so he can put that knob back in his place. Deluded!"

Based on the success of the man with Alzheimer's audition, producers are planning to find people who have a number of terminal illnesses and convince them that they should enter the X-Factor auditions.

A spokesperson for the X-Factor said, "This year's X-Factor auditions were hilarious but next year's will be even better. The auditions are going to get terminal!"

Doctors report record amount of masturbation injuries after Scarlett Johansson leak

Doctors have reported a record amount of masturbating-related injuries after nude photos of Scarlett Johansson were leaked on the internet.

The nude photos have led to some men taking part in 48 hour wankathons which caused, in some cases, severe nerval damage to the wrist.

One Doctor said, "The amount of wrist injuries we have received in the past 48 hours is ridiculous. Most men say it was caused when they were playing tennis, but it's far too convenient that all these people are suddenly "playing tennis" at the same time as these nude pictures were leaked."

"The NHS is stretched enough as it is, so the nude pictures of Scarlett Johansson could not have come at a worse time. We're running out of wrist guards and, in some extreme cases, slings."

Taking advantage of the leaked photos, Kleenex have developed their own Scarlett Johansson branded man-sized tissues to prepare men for their own personal wanking extravaganza.

A spokesperson for the company said, "Kleenex wishes to offer its customers the very best in comfort on their shaft while they masturbate over Scarlett and feels these new branded man-sized tissues will make the inevitable masturbating session a very pleasurable experience for them."

Due to the nude photos being leak, economic forecasters are predicting a poor week of financial results as most men will be staying at home masturbating.

George Osborne said, "This is yet another setback in the Coalition's plans for economic recovery after the disastrous legacy we inherited for the previous government."

"We are trying our best but unfortunately the economy cannot battle against these adverse challenges, such as the weather, the riots, and now the Scarlett Johnasson nude pictures."

Millions of bankers are set to miss work because of the nude pictures leak, which is probably a positive thing for the economy, as instead of wanking away millions of people's hard earned money, they will be wanking away to the photos.

UK government encourages job seekers through Sarah Jessica Parker

Prime Minister David Cameron is encouraging job seekers to gain employment through a new alliance with Sarah Jessica Parker.

Cameron will be using the Sex and the City star to show job seekers that even those with little talent and grotesque looks can forge a successful career for themselves.

Unemployment in the UK is at 2.5 million and the job outlook is very bleak, yet Sarah Jessica Parker still manages to find herself in leading lady roles, which is a phenomenon that no-one can explain.

David Cameron says, "Sarah Jessica Parker is the perfect person to use as an example to those seeking employment. She can show the unemployed that even those with little talent can make a success for themselves and give them the encouragement needed to take their first steps towards getting a job."

At the launch of the SJP Employment Bill for the Grotesque and Untalented, Sarah Jessica Parker said she was happy to be aligning with David Cameron and his latest political soundbite, as she is well-versed at representing "superficial bullshit" in her role as Carrie in Sex and the City.

When asked about whether there would be another Sex and the City film, Sarah Jessica Parker said it was "not in the pipeline" before taking a crap on a piece of paper and saying that the script was actually now ready for production.

'I'm Not Enjoying This' (Threesome)

Betty agrees to a threesome with Frank, but only after a disastrous gym session with Stu and a double-date with Anton and Nicola. What could possibly go wrong?

I'm Not Enjoying This S01 E05

'I'm Not Enjoying This' (Norovirus)

It's Frank's birthday, but unfortunately things don't go to plan. He is insulted by Anton, gets inundated with mundane charity requests at work, falls out with Betty, gets beaten by chavs at football and catches the heavily contagious norovirus. Can things get any worse?

I'm Not Enjoying This S01 E04

'I'm Not Enjoying This' (The Date)

This is the third episode of the sitcom called 'The Date' which follows Frank on his first date with the girl he met at the flat party, Betty. Unfortunately it doesn't go to plan...or does it?

I'm Not Enjoying This S01 E03

Mancini to show off midfielder collection at Collectormania

Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini is set to display his collection of midfielders at the next Collectormania event.

The event, which brings collectors and geeks from around the country, is set to host Mancini and his midfielders all week, with this unique collection expected to attract a host of admirers from around the UK.

Much of the collection, such as Silva and Nasri, are in mint condition. However, others are in bad shape such as the recently acquired Hargreaves which has had several broken limbs and De Jong which kicks people for no reason.

Speaking about his collection Mancini said, "I keep telling De Jong not to kick people but he doesn't listen."

"Hargreaves was a bit of a random acquisition. He's not in the best condition and I don't really think that I need him but still bought him regardless."

There are also other midfielders that Mancini tried to throw away because of his ever increasing collection, but unfortunately no-one is interested.

Mancini said, "I've been trying to get rid of Wright-Phillips for ages, but none of the other collectors want him. I don't know what to do anymore."

Other midfielders, which are in perfectly good condition, are still of no use to Mancini for some reason.

He says, "People ask me all the time, why don't you show off Adam Johnson more often? But they don't understand, I have my favourites and he is not one of them. I prefer to show off Zabeleta."

People have accused Mancini of being obsessed with collecting midfielders, with many believing that a lot of his acquisitions are wasteful and unnecessary. However, Mancini denies this.

Mancini says, "I'm not obsessed. I just like midfielders. Even Gareth Barry."

Luckily for Mancini, his collection is funded by a rich Arab who shares his passion for buying stuff.

He says, "I have financial backing, but this is not the only reason for my collection being so great. I play with them everyday and add value to them."

"However, there is always room for improvement and I'm sure we will be adding more midfielders to the collection regardless of price."

Nurofen dealing "rampant" at Reading Festival

The drug Nurofen Plus is being dealt to festival-goers at record levels following the recent announcement that packs of the drug had been sabotaged with a more potent narcotic.

In the biggest drug mix-up since ecstasy pills were found in packs of Skittles, some Nurofen Plus pills had been replaced with the anti-psychotic drug Seroquel XL.

Instead of offering pain relief, the sabotaged Nurofen makes people feel less psychotic, a rare feeling during a festival where others will quite happily chuck their urine or faeces at you for "a laugh" or to get with the "spirit" and "atmosphere" of the festivities.

However, reports indicate that the sabotaged drug was most in demand during the My Chemical Romance set, where festival-goers took the anti-psychotic drug regularly to ensure they didn't murder themselves or anyone around them.

Keen to have this feeling of anti-psychoticness, festival-goers are requesting the sabotaged Nurofen Plus at record numbers meaning drug dealers are trying their best to satisfy demand.

One drug dealer said, "I 'as been preparin' all year for da Reading Festival. I brought in all of da drugs you could tink ov, but now deez fools want Nurofen. Why would you want Nurofen, if you can get your 'ands on sum crack? It doesn't make sense bruv. In da end I sold sum fools da Boots paracetamols - deez people are propa thick!"

The increased Nurofen dealing is already raising alarm bells within government, with several MPs trying to ban the drug.

One Conservative MP said, "Nurofen may provide us with quick and easy pain relief, but if young people are taking advantage of the sabotaged drug then we must take the appropriate measures to ensure it does not get sold more widely."

Drug-taking at the Reading Festival had already come under scrutiny after it emerged that Boots had opened up a 'Morning After Pill' stand on the site. The 'Morning After Pill' stand was recording record sales, even selling more than the nearby burger and beer stalls.

A spokesperson for Boots said, "It seems obvious from these figures that despite the need for festival-goers to get "shit-faced" and "eat crap", there is even more demand for a morning after pill to be readily available at the competitive festival price of £50 each."

Russian banana exports up 200 per cent after Eto'o transfer

Shipments of bananas to Russia have gone up 200 per cent following the transfer of Samuel Eto'o to football club Anzhi Machachkala.

Fans of the club have ordered bananas at record levels so they can throw them at Eto'o when he starts his first game for their beloved Anzhi.

The racist fans, who previously chucked bananas at club captain Roberto Carlos, are rumoured to be disgruntled at the club paying world record wages for a black African footballer and are willing to show their frustration through bananas.

The fans, most of whom don't even like bananas, believe that their racist behaviour will let the owners know that they want more Russian white players like Yuri Zhirkov rather than Three-time Champions League winner Samuel Eto'o.

Despite the racist behaviour of Anzhi and numerous other Russian clubs, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has turned a blind eye and instead decided to award the country as hosts of the 2018 World Cup.

Speaking about the racist behaviour in Russia, Mr Blatter said that it was "not the job of FIFA to get involved in such matters", before chucking a banana at Jack Warner.

Arsene Wenger and Colonel Gaddafi share same levels of denial

A new denial scale has exclusively revealed that Colonel Gaddafi and Arsene Wenger have exactly the same levels of denial.

The new denial scale revealed these findings after Wenger's claims two months ago that Nasri and Fabregas would not leave Arsenal and Gaddafi's recent claims that the Libyan people love him.

Despite these claims, it has since been revealed that both men were experiencing severe cases of denial. With Fabregas and Nasri leaving Arsenal and the Libyan people staging a revolution against the tyrannical Gaddafi regime.

Dr David Nile, founder of the Denial Scale, spoke on the findings claiming that both men had record denial levels which were "off the scale."

He said, "I've never seen denial levels like this before. The way both men claim the opposite of what everyone else was thinking is simply unbelievable. However, perhaps more surprisingly, they seemed so sure in their convinctions."

Other denialees included Sepp Blatter for his numerous claims that FIFA is not a corrupt organisation. However, his denial levels could easily be confused for downright lies, so was not one of the top scorers on the denial scale.

Dr David Nile says, "That is one flaw with the denial scale, sometimes people in denial can be confused for those that are just outrageous liars. However, we're perfecting the scale to understand the difference between those denying obvious truths and liars."

After these results Gaddafi and Wenger have contacted each other to form the National Denial Alliance to provide support for each other as they continue to make outrageous denials in the public domian. It has been rumoured that Gaddafi recently told Wenger to follow his methods by killing those that defy him, starting with Samir Nasri.

In return Wenger offered Bendtner to Gaddafi for £6 million, but this has since been turned this down with Gaddafi claiming he "would only pay a pint of oil" for the striker.

David Cameron and his crew set battle rap challenges

David Cameron and his crew of Tories are set to challenge the rioters and looters from last week in a series of battle raps to prove who has the ultimate crew.

Dismayed by the lack of respect from other crews during the riots, David Ivanhoe Cameron, known as the Notorious DIC to his crew, has laid down the challenge for battle raps happening across the UK in the next month.

The crew consisting of Theresa May (Lil' T), George Osborne (G-Money), Iain Duncan-Smith (I-Smitty) and Nick Clegg (Vanilla C) will travel around the riot hot spots trying to reclaim territory they lost last week.

Speaking to the electorate, the Notorious DIC promised retribution and revenge for other crews "dissing" him and his Eton Massive crew.

He said, "Last week der woz bare mans dissing me and ma crew. Dey don't no dat me and ma crew, Da Eton massive, r in charge of shit. Deez bredrins need to lern sum respect or els der wil be serious beef 4 da nxt few years. Brup!"

Each battle rap will take place against crews who the Notorious DIC believes are responsible for the riots, with the first one being at the weekend in Peckham against the Single Mothers.

This will be closely followed by the Police, the Liberal Intelligentsia, Da Nu Labour Posse, Young Black Youths and numerous chav groups.

Da Eton Massive are working on rhymes for the period of battle raps, which they hope will be finished by the time they go back to work in September.

The Notorious DIC said, "By da tym deez battle raps r ova we wil 'av control of da steetz and b in charge of shit agen. Der is bear mans dat wil b tryin 2 bring us down but we wont stop until deez haters r brought to der neez and dey accept dat we own dem. Brup!"

Da Eton Massive are predicted to win back control of the streets as they are rumoured to be extremely adept at rapping. Like rappers, Da Eton Massive show off about how much money they have, spout a lot of idle shit which think will win them support, have friends in high places and have a fondness for prostitutes.

Moreover Da Eton Massive have their secret weapon, Boris Johnson (B-Unit), who, like rappers, has been known to spout meaningless jargon at record levels.

The Intervention

A short play about the Murdochs staging an intervention on Rupert for his ginger fetish after he shut down The News of the World and allowed Rebekah Brooks to keep her job. This was submitted to the BBC but rather unsurprisingly it didn't make the shortlist of three.

The Intervention

London Riots Part Of 'Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes' Publicity Stunt

The movie studio 20th Century Fox have had to make an embarrassing admission today in the wake of a third night of rioting in London. The studio's new movie, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, a film about artificially enhanced apes running amok around a city, which is released nationwide in cinemas on August 11th 2011 in 2D because 3D is terrible, has been confirmed as the official reason for the shambolic, disgraceful scenes spreading across our capital city.

A spokesperson for 20th Century Fox claimed; 'as a studio we really wanted to support this film in a unique way, so for the UK release we decided to stage a couple of localised re-enactments from the film in different locations in London. We had classically trained actors in ape suits pretending to go on a bit of rampage in the streets taking down humanity. It was all in good spirits.'

It would appear, though, that the organisers did not take into account the sheer stupidity of the moronic, mindless, idiotic element of British society. Upon seeing the ape men in the midst of a riot, large groups of fuckwits with masked faces simply presumed that animals of a similar intellect were simply kicking off for no reason, which is always the best reason for a riot. Naturally, they all decided to join in, and before long shop, bank and restaurant windows were being smashed at will and buildings were being torched.

The 20th Century Fox spokesman continued; 'we just didn't realise that London actually had such a large population of absolute scumbag degenerates so willing to run around the streets like animals just smashing up their own city and making their fellow human being's lives a fearful hell. We didn't actually think that in the 21st Century these Neanderthal people still existed in such force. We heard that some of these parasites actually stood around the fires they had started beating their chests and shrieking at the moon.'

It is believed that those in power at 20th Century Fox felt compelled to make the admission after cringing so much at the reasoning that the continued riots were about social disaffection. One nameless insider is quoted as saying 'social disaffection does not equate to stealing iPads from PC World, Nike Air Max from JD Sports and a few Fred Perry tops from Debenhams, and then blowing them up. Smashing windows and setting fire to family run businesses does not make for a revolution; it just makes for a country being shamed and embarrassed by how many utterly moronic, cretinous twats we have living in our streets.'

Anarchist outrage at lack of Olives

White middle-class anarchists are said to be outraged at the lack of Olives in their local Waitrose. This has caused widespread riots in the London suburbs of Mill Hill, Hampstead, Richmond and parts of suburban Surrey.

Middle-class anarchists were initially outraged by what was happening in Tottenham, even though they have no idea why people were rioting in the first place, and left their detached four bedroom houses to join the riots.

However, before they got on a train the anarchists picked up a few essential snacks from Waitrose. This included humus, Kettle chips, olives, brie, salmon and a stick of French bread. But, the supermarket didn't have any Olives causing widespread chaos in the Waitrose, as the anarchists contested the lack of Olives with a Sales Assistant.

This eventually led to the anarchists cancelling their trip to Tottenham and instead focusing their attention on their local Waitrose by ransacking the store in front of terrified shoppers while demanding Olives.

Henry Wallace-Jones, an 18 year old from Cobham, said, "Me and my chums were going to start some anarchy in Tottenham. We don't know why they're rioting, all we know is that we wanted to be there starting trouble."

"I'm just so annoyed and angry with everything. I have to share a PS3 and X-Box with my brother. I don't have an en-suite bathroom attached to my bedroom. And only have a 52 inch flat screen TV in bedroom. I just need to let me anger out!!!!"

It was also revealed by one of his friends Roy Osborne III that they didn't actually know where Tottenham was. "Isn't it near Chelsea?" he said.

Luckily Henry and his friends only concentrated their obvious anger on their local Waitrose. "If we went to Tottenham then things would've really kicked off", Henry said.

However, eyewitnesses at their local Waitrose were said to less than impressed with their apparent anarchy. One said, "I saw them crying to a Sales Assistant at the lack of Olives. They then put up their Jack Wills' hoodies, barely covering their faces, and started knocking over a few cartons of Covent Garden soup and shaking up fizzy drinks before placing them carefully back on the shelf."

"It wasn't really anarchy but they seemed happy with themselves for some reason. As soon as they saw a friend of the family they all scattered running out of the supermarket with a Curly-Wurly before placing it back in the supermarket after the alarm went off."

Henry and his friends are set to start more anarchy this weekend, perhaps moving further north of Cobham and stepping into the territory of Richmond.

Henry said, "We are going to start some serious shit in Richmond. If their branch of Waitrose don't have Olives then things are going to kick-off!"

"We are not happy with how things are being run in this country. How dare they expect us to live in the basic poverty of suburban Surrey. It's just now on and I'm so angry!!!!!"

Despite his obvious anger, Henry was unable to answer further questions. His parents picked him up so he could return for a family dinner.

Woman Files For Divorce Due To Lack Of Sunburn Sympathy

A woman from Kent has filed for divorce from her husband yesterday due to "constant negligence with regards to painful sunburn". The woman, who has remained nameless, claims that the negligence was displayed over the span of a decade of sunburnt summers, during which her husband refused to show her any sympathy for failing to learn her lesson.

The final straw came during a recent heatwave that had Britons stewing in their own juices. On one particular Saturday morning, the woman vacated her house clad in a dainty bikini and took up residence in her back garden where she proceeded to lay for the next six hours. Upon returning to the house and showering, the woman soon realised that 92% of her skin had been severely burnt by the sheer awesome force of the awesome sun.

After this painful discovery, the woman coated herself in a thick layer of after-sun lotion before spending the evening standing up in the living room watching television, unable, as she was, to sit or lay down. It was at this point that her husband returned home and, upon seeing his oily wife burnt to a crisp and standing in obvious pain, he started to laugh heartily to himself.

The woman promptly exploded with rage and demanded sympathy. There was none forthcoming, so she very slowly, and very awkwardly, packed up some belongings and stormed out of the house. Three days later she filed for divorce.

In his defence, the woman's husband claimed that his wife continually refused to learn her lesson as she has suffered severe sunburn during nine of the last ten summers. The only reason it is not ten out of ten summers is because in the summer of 2007 it has been scientifically proven that the sun did not actually shine at all. The man reasoned that upon "seeing her burnt to a crisp once again, I just couldn't help but laugh at how someone can make the same mistake year in, year out, and then expect sympathy for it".

After a small fit of laughter the husband continued, saying; "it just seems so obvious to me; if one year you lay out in the sun and get horrifically burnt, then you won't do it again the next year because you remember how painful it was. But she just does it every single year, and every time she does it she comes crying to me."

The case is expected to be settled within the month, with the husband retaining custody of the sun block, and his wife gaining custody of the after-sun lotion.

Men With Perverted Urges Asked To Write Urban Music

In a bid to reduce the number of perverted and sleazy crimes, the acting Commissioner of the Met Police Tim Godwin has suggested that any men who are gripped by worrying, socially unacceptable sexual urges should write rap, hip or R'n'B songs (also known as jamz).

The suggestion comes after a spate of rapey, borderline misogynistic songs mysteriously found themselves at the upper end of the Top 40 Singles Chart. In these songs, male artists joyously proclaim how they see women as walking fannies that need to be smashed immediately. But, as these men are rich and famous, this behaviour is seen as 'cool' and 'bad boy', and so they are naturally swimming in poon, despite such beliefs.

In the song Give Me Everything (Tonight), Pitbull spits bare rhymes about being on a night out, seeing a girl he likes and then urging her to sleep with him because the world might end tomorrow. It's not a line that an average man in an average club can say without getting kicked in the balls, but if you have a music video, act really serious, look smug and have loads of money, then it is definitely cool.

Following this example, perverts across the country are picking up pens and ejaculating their thoughts onto paper, transforming themselves into suave playboys in the process. Tim Godwin claimed 'if a woman approached the Old Bill on a Saturday night saying that a man approached her saying he wanted to pour Lemon Curd over her naked body and then snort cocaine off of her bum hole while she took a whoopsie, naturally we'd arrest the man. However, if the man laid down a heavy beat and spat the rhyme

Uh, Girl, come back to ma crib,
Take off dem clothes,
Don't need no bib,
Gonna cover your skin wit Lemon Curd,
Snort blow off your ring,
While you crimp out a turd

then we would commend him for being proper sick; and we would encourage all other sexist, chauvinist men to do the same.'

The news has come as a welcome relief to millions of sexual predators everywhere who have until now been labelled as 'sleazy losers', 'poontang predators' and 'those scumbags who just hang around the whore slutbags in clubs until they're drunk enough to take home and bang', because now they can rightly be accepted into society as the rich and charismatic characters that they really are.

Drinks with "ma girlies" more fun than normal drinks

A study into the social experience of people on a night-out has revealed that drinks with "ma girlies" are statistically more fun than normal drinks.

Over the course of the night those going on drinks with "ma girlies" were found to have a better time than others, with the "girlie" element of the drinks adding increased excitement to the occasion.

The study spokesperson said, "Drinks with "ma girlies" is an event that everyone who is part of the "girlie" group looks forward to throughout the working week."

"Before the event the "head girlie" will advertise drinks with "ma girlies" on Facebook letting everyone know what she and her girlies will be doing on a Friday and Saturday night. This reminder in the form of a Facebook status update will usually add to the excitement for the rest of the girlies."

However, perhaps more interestingly, the study found that drinks with "ma girlies" has a tendency to descend from excitement to annoyance for many of the girlies. Despite excitement levels being incredibly high at the beginning, this will gradually decrease throughout the course of the evening.

The spokesperson continues, "Drinks with "ma girlies" often starts off very positively for the girlies, as they drink cocktails and chat fairly soberly. However, this soon changes after a few drinks."

"The sense of togetherness gradually decreases as the girlies get more drunk and, in turn, more bitchy. Girlies will become jealous of other girlies for chatting to men they fancy, which will then lead to allegations of them being a "slut." Other girlies will start crying for no reason, often because it's their birthday or because someone looked at them funny. And there will always be one girlie that seems to be more drunk than the rest, with this girlie having to be taken home by another girlie, thus diminishing the girlie numbers"

"So from the promising position at the start of the night and extreme excitement levels, drinks with "ma girlies" turns into a bit of a farce."

But, despite this insight, drinks with "ma girlies" are still statistically more fun than normal drinks, mainly due to the immeasurable excitement levels at the beginning of the night which the consistent fun of normal drinks cannot compete with.

We tried contacting a "head girlie" on Facebook for her thoughts on the study's findings and got the following response:

"Don't care bout anyting, da wkend is here! Whoop whoop! Goin 4 drinks with ma girlies 2nyt. Yay!!!!! :-) :-) :-) :-) Whoop whoop! Yay!!!!!! Luv ma girlies! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

Research shows all men who wear beer t-shirts have small penises

It has been revealed that men who wear t-shirts which indicate how proud they are at being able to drink a lot actually have very small penises.

The research conducted by RETARD (REsearchers of Twats And Real Dicks) carried out the study into men who wear t-shirts boasting about their drinking habits and whether this has a direct correlation with their penis size.

The results were interesting, with those who wear these t-shirts on a regular basis or at social events having far smaller penises than the average male.

Dr Luther Borthwick, the head researcher at RETARD, said, "We found that there were two types of men that wear t-shirts boasting about their relationship with alcohol and how much they can drink - Geeks and Geezers."

"Geeks tend to wear a black t-shirt which boasts about how much they can drink, however, this tends to be through a sci-fi or fantasy reference. They also tend to be dressed all in black, have a large beer belly, beard and a hat. The hat is a vital part of the outfit."

"The type of geezer that wears these sort of t-shirts is usually the 'runt of the litter' within the geezer group. He will find it hard to compete with his fellow geezers' boasts about how much they can drink so chooses to buy a t-shirt to prove it instead."

The researchers concluded that there is an obvious need for men with small penises to hide their manhood size with idle boasts about how much they can drink. T-shirts which express these boasts with a clear or 'humorous' statement seek to reaffirm these boasts.

In our own independent research we asked a man wearing a t-shirt with the statement 'This is my drinking t-shirt and I wear it everyday!' whether he had a small penis. The man reacted in a threatening manner before challenging us to a beer drinking contest to officially show who was more of a man.

'I'm Not Enjoying This' (Flat Party)

This is the second episode called 'Flat Party' with the title suggesting the jist of what happens. The episode follows both of them before and during the flat party, however, things don't go to plan for either.


I'm Not Enjoying This S01 E02

'I'm Not Enjoying This' (Pilot)

This is the first episode of our sitcom 'I'm Not Enjoying This' set in the wonderful town of Crawley. The episode starts with Frank, the main character, as he moves into his cousin Anton's flat. It then follows Frank as he looks for a job while dealing with Anton, as they both try and co-exist living with each other. Enjoy!

I'm Not Enjoying This S01 E01

Murdoch to take revenge by "fraping" The Guardian

Rupert Murdoch is set to take his revenge on The Guardian, who exposed the News of the World phone hacking, by "fraping" the newspaper's Facebook page and Twitter feed.

Murdoch, who blames The Guardian for all of News International's problems rather than his law-breaking employees, has decided to take action against the newspaper after weeks of phone hacking revelations.

News International has hacked into The Guardian's Facebook and Twitter accounts and placed the following tweet and status update "The Guardian are bunch of liberal gays."

Rupert Murdoch and his media outlets have said to be delighted with the "frape" and happy with the negative impact it could have on The Guardian for being labelled as a newspaper full of gays and liberals.

However, The Guardian has appeared to be unflustered by the "frape" and has answered back with the following statement:

"Yes, we are a liberal newspaper and, yes, quite a few homosexuals work for us in comparison to other newspapers."

Mr Murdoch has responded to this by distancing himself from the "frape", claiming he had no knowledge of the latest scandal and has instead blamed former News International employees.

When asked about the "frape" by the UK media, Murdoch responded with a massive pause before barking "NO", before his wife Ting Tong Murdoch smacked a journalist round the face with her penis.

Come Dine with Geez

Hard people eating hot curries because they're REAL men.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5UNHWh6DEU

What The Papers Say

Considering what's happening at the moment, this should be fairly relevant. Our 15 minute play with characters that have the personalities of the national newspapers.

What the Papers Say

Murdoch in rehab for ginger fetish

Inside sources at News Corp have claimed that Rupert Murdoch is set to enter rehab for a ginger fetish.

It is believed that Murdoch's fetish for women with ginger hair is hindering his judgement and has led to him making extremely strange and irrational business decisions.

The peak of his ginger fetish came to a head last Friday when Mr Murdoch refused to sack head ginger and chief executive of News International Rebekah Brooks, but instead sacked the entire News of the World staff.

Rupert Murdoch's fetish for gingers has gone so far that sources close to him have claimed that he would shut down the whole of News International just to protect Rebekah Brooks who has been described by Murdoch as "the gingerest ginger" he has ever seen.

Prior to the phone hacking scandal, Mr Murdoch's family had grown worried at his obsession with gingers. His Thai bride Ting-Tong was frequently asked to put on a ginger wig during sexual role-play while Mr Murdoch rubbed ginger on his shrivelled gonads for arousal.

In the past he has been known to punish those gingers that rejected his advances, such as Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson and Ginger Spice Geri Halliwell, by publishing scathing articles in his newspapers.

It is not yet known which rehab facility Rupert Murdoch will attend, with the many refusing to take him in. This is because the majority of the facilities have been hacked into by the News of the World to satisfy their quest for truth...... and to see which minor celebrity is a crack addict or alcoholic.

Celebrities take part in mass orgy after News of the World closure

Celebrities across the UK have congregated in Leicester Square to take part in a mass orgy following the announcement that The News of the World will be closing permanently after this Sunday.

The news of the imminent closure was met by jubilation from celebrities who suddenly started ripping off each other's clothes and having numerous affairs within the madness of the orgy.

One eyewitness has reported that Wayne Rooney is currently having a threesome with two brunette prostitutes as Coleen watches while riding Peter Crouch. One person even saw both John Prescott and Jude Law DPing a mystery blonde.

However, less well-known celebrities are said to be disappointed by the closure, as it means there will be one less tabloid newspaper to report on their mundane activities. "Celebrities" such as Kerry Katona, Katie Price, Sonia from EastEnders and the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex are said to be anxious as to where their future careers lie.

A spokesperson for Sonia said, "Sonia from EastEnders was going to put on loads of weight, then lose loads of weight. We were then going to do a story about how much weight she lost. Then she was going to get depressed at being skinny, put on loads of weight and say how happy she is to be fat again."

"This is standard stuff for Heat and other shitty magazines, but we really need the News of the World to raise her profile. The only other newspaper we could sell this story to is the Sunday Star and they're more likely to laugh at her camel toe."

Sonia from EastEnders, Katie Price and Kerry Katona were tempted to take part in the orgy but without The News of the World reporting or taking pictures it wasn't deemed to be worthwhile for their careers.

At this moment in time it is not yet known when the orgy will end, with more celebrities, prostitutes and mystery blondes getting involved in proceedings.

With the closure of the News of the World, there's a belief that more serious journalism will be allowed to take centre-stage, such as a media debate over whether Rupert Murdoch looks more like a dead foetus or a male scrotum.

News of the World tried to hack victims of Rwandan genocide

It has been exclusively revealed that the former voice of the people and paedo finders The News of the World tried to hack the phones of victims of the Rwandan genocide in 1994.

This startling revelation follows evidence which showed the newspaper tried to delete the voicemail messages of victims of this terrible tragedy.

News International argued that this phone hacking was essential in the search for truth and justice following the brutal genocide.

A spokesperson for News International said, "Hacking the phones of victims of the Rwandan genocide was in the public interest. We wanted to get to the bottom of whether they were actually victims of the Rwandan genocide or whether they had just left the country and started new lives in Britain, claiming extortionate benefits and living in five bedroom houses in Hampstead with their fourteen children."

An inside source has claimed that nothing came of the phone hacking, mainly because the victims of the Rwandan genocide had no phones to hack. However, they re-iterated that the victims were "fair game" because of the way they flaunted themselves to the cameras after the genocide.

A former journalist at the News of the World said, "They can't go up to the camera and speak to the media recalling the horrors of the genocide and then expect their phones not to be hacked. These people will seek attention from the media and love it, and will then complain when we intrude on their personal lives. It's just unbelievable behaviour!"

Rupert Murdoch has denied any knowledge of this latest phone hacking claim and has instead suggested that the person at the centre of the scandal was a work experience boy that worked at The News of the World during a two-week period in May 1995.

Blatter meets Mugabe to discuss corrupt regimes

After nearly getting caught out by the world's media and his own people, Sepp Blatter is meeting with the President of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe to discuss how he can consolidate his corrupt regime.

Despite nearly having his cover blown as a despicable leader of a corrupt organisation, Blatter managed to retain his role as President in the recent FIFA elections.

Mr Mugabe observed this and was said to be impressed with the skill and ease in which Blatter managed to win an election without killing any of the opposition including the wives and children of his rival.

Inside sources at the Mugabe camp said, "Mr Mugabe has never been able to win an election without firstly rigging it or secondly killing anyone. The way Blatter managed to do this in the recent election without doing any these two things impressed our President and he immediately requested a meeting with Mr Blatter."

Besides discussing corrupt regimes, Sepp Blatter and Robert Mugabe also discussed how best to manage corrupt funds, including blood and oil money.

An inside source, "Robert Mugabe usually stores his money in safes at his many luxurious homes, but Mr Blatter introduced him to a new banking scheme in Switzerland that handles vast funds without asking any questions."

Based on the success of this meeting, it's rumoured that Zimbabwe will launch a bid to host the 2026 FIFA World Cup. Zimbabwe has no infrastructure for the World Cup and a government with a very questionable human rights record, so are one of the favourites to host the competition.

Sarah Palin to kill an Arab as part of 2012 Presidential campaign

In the race for the White House, Sarah Palin is set to kill an Arab after seeing President Obama's popularity rise after the death of bin-Laden in May.

Sarah Palin remains amazed that a socialist, terrorist, Muslim who wasn't even born in the USA has managed to achieve such popularity in the past few months and has concluded that this was down to him killing an Arab.

An inside source for the White House said, "Unfortunately as president of the US, you don't get popular by trying to provide free healthcare. The way you can really make a difference to US society and become truly popular is by killing an Arab. It appears that the Sarah Palin campaign team has taken note of this and decided to do the same."

It has not yet been decided as to how Sarah Palin will kill an Arab or where it will take place. At the moment it is likely to be a random Arab inside a mosque or home. But other more creative methods are also being suggested, with one of the ideas being that an Arab is captured and set free in some woods, so Mrs Palin can hunt them down personally.

This idea of hunting and killing innocent civilians would resonate well with the Republican Party and the more right-wing Tea Party, and provide increased support for the Palin 2012 Presidential campaign.

However, it appears that rival candidate Michele Bachmann will go that one step further by hunting down both socialists and Arabs in a multiple killing spree, which would see her overtake Palin in the American polls.

2012 Olympic ticket hopefuls set for further challenges

The hundreds of people that actually received 2012 Olympic tickets are set for further challenges to prove themselves before the Games next year.

Despite winning tickets for the 2012 Games earlier this month, the application process is not yet over and further challenges are expected to be announced later this year.

Those that won tickets will not be allowed into the event until they have beat Lord Coe in a 1500 metre race; beat Jonathan Edwards in the triple jump; beat Sir Steve Redgrave in a one-on-one rowing contest; completed a rubix cube; and, beat Linford Christie in a penis size contest, effectively ruling women out of their tickets.

The new application process has been decided by the Olympic committee to only attract those that truly deserve a place at "the greatest show on Earth."

Speaking about the next round in the application process, Lord Coe said "We want tickets to go to the most deserving candidates. Anyone that beats Linford Christie in a penis size contest deserves to be there."

However, the latest application process has raised fresh doubts whether anyone will actually be able to watch the 2012 Games.

David Watson, 46, from East Ham said "Getting the bloody tickets in the first place was hard enough! I've had to beg my bank for more money, and now they expect me to beat Linford Christie in a penis size contest! Who do they think we are? Bloody porn stars or something!"

The Olympic Committee has stated that it will listen to concerns from members of the public about the ticketing process, but believes the company they hired from Nigeria to take people's money before they receive the tickets are doing a "great job."

VIDEO: Night of the Living Chavs

Night of the Living Chavs has been brought to life through the magic of YouTube. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bf7PKt4ZPf0

Government Reveals Fears For Future Due To Music Festival Behaviour

In the light of Leicester City Council admitting that they aren't prepared for a zombie invasion, the Government has today admitted their own concerns about the British publics ability to handle any kind of post-apocalyptic scenario, primarily due to their behaviour at music festivals.

A political insider has claimed that an on-going Government study has been taking place at British music festivals for the past 20 years, as the isolated community feel they offer to attendees, with basic and scarce properties, along with little-to-no luxury, is reminiscent of what we could face should some kind of catastrophic event hit our beloved country.

The results are not encouraging.

Of most concern is how quickly normal, decent human beings descend into Neanderthal animals. When they arrive at the festival site these people are all smiles, flashing peace signs with their fingers, smiling and full of goodwill to their fellow man. However, in the space of three, sometimes only two days, these people descend to lows that would make a stray cat shudder.

Festival goers soon partake in eating food with their bare hands, or eating cold food straight out of tins; they urinate into plastic pint containers and then launch them into crowded areas; outbreaks of violence are common, and over trivial matters, they steal each others property, roll around in mud and puddles, puddles that they presume are water, sometimes naked; they riot, start fires, smash up festival property, shitting everywhere because the proper toilet facilities got so horrendously bad that people would rather poo in the bushes. Everyone partakes in a three day drunken bender, constantly sipping alcohol, brushing their teeth with gin and washing their face with strongbow, before snorting lines of coke of the foreheads of innocent children. Casual sex takes place at any given opportunity as men simply shout moronic statements at women, who in response remove their clothes and drop down to all fours.

Madness also appears to set in incredibly quickly, as statements such as "Scouting For Girls are such an awesome band, easily one of the best bands around at the moment", "Sex On Fire is Kings Of Leon's best track by far" and "Where do they play the old skool garage at?", can be heard, and with the intention of being taken seriously as sane statements.

Everyone becomes a massive dick, basically. Well, not everyone, obviously. But most.

Such a rapid descent into idiocy has caused ministers to start taking precautionary measures for the end of the world. London Zoo has been put on alert so that should the British populace be wiped out, the animals therein can ably take our place and continue the traditions and customs of our once proud country.

'Fraping' Leads To Reducing Of Openly Gay Men

A study by the magazine Gay Times has revealed that the act of 'Facebook raping', or 'fraping', has led to a sudden drop in the number of men willing to admit that they are homosexual for fear of being lynched by their friends.

Wilfred St. Dove, a Gay Times spokesman, explained that 'even though 'fraping' has become so common place, boring and tedious, people still seem to do it in record numbers. But it is the reaction to the apparently joke gay confessional status updates that has caused nervous homosexuals to shrink away in fear.'

Examples of such 'frapes', in which an unwitting person leaves their Facebook account logged in or unattended while in the company of others, include: Mr X is a fukin masif homo n luvz huge dick up the arse; Mr X loves it when my boyfriend blows his huge steaming load all over my face; Mr X wants to get his back door smashed in by a fleet of sailors tonight; Mr X is chilling out to some Elton John tonight; Mr X is gay.

Such reactions to these fraped status updates include: Gutted u nob allwaiz new u waz a batti boi!11!; What would you're family say you filthy faggot? rolf; I heard you liked facials; We can't be friends anymore, I hate gays lmao; I'm so disappointed, what a waste!

Mr. St. Dove claims that the Facebook public are regularly mistaking confessional status updates for 'frapes', publicly humiliating friends who are simply trying to open up about their sexual preferences. Naturally, the person trying to make the revelation goes along with the joke because they have suddenly realised that all of their friends are violent homophobes.

Mr St. Dove has urged all Facebook users to use some common sense when using the website, but is holding out little hope of that happening.

Ryan Giggs Discovers Life On Mars, Has Numerous Affairs

The tawdry affair of Ryan Giggs' private life took a shocking revelation last night when it was revealed that the Manchester United midfielder was the first man to discover life on Mars during the summer of 2009. Unsurprisingly, though, this feat has been tarnished by the simultaneous revelation that Giggs then partook in a string of sexual affairs with numerous Martian females.

It is unclear how long Giggs worked on his Mars project before landing on the Red Planet, but it is apparent that when the 2008/09 Barclay's Premiership season came to an end, Giggs hopped into his home made space shuttle, sponsored by Reebok, and blasted off into outer space.

Upon his arrival Giggs immediately sought out the hottest Martian nightclubs, impressing all females he encountered immediately with his stories about being the greatest human being on Earth, alive or dead. It is understood that Giggs then started the first five of his twenty-seven sexual affairs that very night, with all of the left footed lothario's love victims being described as 'ridic hot Martain crumpet' with 'tight, if not slightly slimey bodies.' It is understood that Giggs did not judge the Martians for their slimey bodies, as they did not judge him for his.

Worst of all, though, is the news that Giggs fathered 14 hybrid children, with 5 different mothers involved, each unaware of the existence of the other mothers and children. It is understood, though, that each of the five Martian females are willing to stand by their man and his vast fortune, along with his Earthling female wife, and his brother's wife. Imogen and all of the other Earthling females he bedded are over him, though.

Meanwhile, it is understood that the Welsh FA are investigating the legitimacy of Giggs' bastard Martian offspring playing for the Welsh national side as they are beyond desperate for decent players, but it is believed that they would prefer to play for the Republic of Ireland.

Simon Cowell has Human Centipede of former X-Factor contestants

An undercover reporter has exclusively revealed that Simon Cowell has a human centipede of former X-Factor contestants in the basement of his house.

Inside sources have claimed that Cowell has created a human centipede due to his arousal at the total humiliation of his victims, which is shown every Saturday night on X-Factor and Britain's Got Talent.

A close friend of Simon Cowell said, "When he was a judge on X-Factor, he used to masturbate under the judging table when a wannabe singer, who wasn't very good, got humiliated by him, the judges and the audience."

"However, it seems he took this too far, rounding up all these untalented X-Factor contestants and creating a human centipede from them."

"At the end of the day, there's nothing more humiliating than someone crapping in your mouth and this disgusting humiliation is what turns Simon on."

It has been revealed that Simon Cowell used to perform sick acts on himself for sexual gratification while watching the human centipede. However, he has since toned down his masturbation by swapping sandpaper with the tears of Cheryl Cole.

Since the undercover sting by reporters, the human centipede has been retrieved by police but Cowell has since convinced them to let him use the creature for his new programme Britain's Got The Human Centipede Factor.

The programme will mainly consist of the human centipede walking around stage while the audience boo and laugh hysterically and the judges call it a rubbish singer who will never make it in show business.

Facebook does not cure illness, warns Doctors

UK doctors have warned Facebook users that the social networking site does not cure illness.

This follows research that revealed around 57 per cent of Facebook status updates were from people moaning about an illness and not actually doing anything about it.

These "ill" Facebook updates follow a sharp decline in the amount of people visiting their doctor.

One doctor said, "It seems that many people are using Facebook looking for solutions to their illness rather than just visiting their doctors."

"I don't know what people are trying to achieve by putting 'I'm sooooooo ill' as their Facebook status update. A cure? Sympathy? I just don't know."

"One thing's for sure, nothing will get achieved if someone claims they're ill on Facebook. They may as well visit their doctor."

The research follows the Daily Mail story last week that claimed someone continually stated they had 'Chlamydia' without going to visit their doctor. The person then became one of the characters on 'Geordie Shore' making it worse and spreading the illness to others.

A letter to the BBC Comedy Department

Dear BBC Comedy Department,

I'm writing today to pitch you an idea for a sitcom. No wait don't rip up this letter, please hear me out. I promise it will be worth your while. But, before I pitch you the brilliant sitcom, let me describe how I came to this idea.

Watching BBC sitcoms recently it seems as though you really love ones involving the family. I mean haven't you commissioned a fifteenth series of 'My Family', which is just hilarious and a great example of original comedy on the BBC. Who knows, maybe Robert Lindsay's character will commit suicide when he realises there's a fifteenth series? That could be funny? No?

However, this family theme is not just for one sitcom, there's another one called The Life of Riley. How funny is that? One of the children has glasses and braces! Hilarious. So the BBC likes family sitcoms, which means what I'm pitching to you needs to be family focused. But what else do I need to give my sitcom the x-factor over others?

I think I know the answer, the one and only Will Mellor. He has to be the funniest actor ever. He's just in so many sitcoms - 2 pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps (still funny) and White Van Man (original), to name a few. He must be funny, surely? He's just in so many funny programmes. Funny man. Funny.

So with all of the above in mind I have come up with the most unbelievable, mind-numbingly amazing sitcom idea ever. The idea I'm proposing is......Oh wait, I've just seen a new sitcom advertised on the BBC, wait a minute......a new family sitcom starring Will Mellor, In With the Flynns. Oh shit, that's my idea out the window.

Well I'm out of ideas now.....that's a shame. Maybe I could come back with something (un)original later. In the meantime I'm looking forward to another family sitcom in the near future and another series of Coming of Age - I mean that shit is hilarious! Anyway, I digress, we'll speak to you soon with more crazy ideas. Keep the humour up, I'm eagerly awaiting the third series of Life of Riley, fingers crossed there will be a joke in it this time. Right time to go.

Speak laters,

Jack.

Al-Qaeda using reality TV shows in new recruitment drive

Al-Qaeda has announced its new recruitment programme will consist of clips from UK reality TV shows in a bid to get disgruntled individuals to join the organisation.

The clips will come from UK reality shows such as The Only Way is Essex, Geordie Shore and Made in Chelsea which all show the very worst of western civilization.

Al-Qaeda hope these clips will entice people who have grown disillusioned with western society and are fed up with all the talentless awful people on TV.

Recruitment to al-Qaeda has suffered recently after Jack Bauer assassinated the organisation's leader Osama bin Laden. However, recruitment specialists Reed have developed a programme that they believe will regain people's interest in the organisation.

A spokesperson from Reed said, "Our research shows that those joining al-Qaeda are likely to be really angry with the west. One of the things in western culture most likely to get people angry is reality TV shows. Big Brother has gone but fortunately for us and al-Qaeda there are loads of new shit reality TV shows on air at the moment."

"So far the recruitment drive has worked really well. Applications to join al-Qaeda have trebled since the new programme and applicants have come away from it feeling 250 per cent angrier from before, showing that the clips do work!"

Shadiqa al-Shahabadan, HR Manager at al-Qaeda, said, "We are impressed with the recruitment drive, but feel this is not the only reason why there has been such interest recently. At al-Qaeda we offer competitive packages for employees, such as free accommodation for "freedom fighters", free guns, training schemes, numerous wives and the promise of virgins in the afterlife. This is something that no other employer can match."

Clegg jealous of Cameron and Obama's "special relationship"

Government sources have claimed that Clegg is growing jealous of Prime Minister David Cameron's "special relationship" with Barack Obama.

The special relationship, which started just recently, has led to Nick Clegg acting out at government meetings and changing his Facebook status from "In a Relationship" to "It's Complicated."

A Liberal Democrat source said, "Every time Cameron leaves the room, Clegg follows him, as he's worried that the Prime Minister is seeing someone behind his back."

The insane jealousy started after David Cameron gushed about his new relationship with US President Barack Obama and how they had a barbecue together, which Nick Clegg was not invited to.

The inside source said, "Mr Cameron never had a barbecue with Nick. They never even ate together, unless Nick was making David his tea. And even then Cameron would just take his food and go and watch TV, not saying one word to him."

Rumours are rife that the Deputy Prime Minister is sending David Cameron over 50 texts and calling him 100 times a day, with the Prime Minister not answering or simply saying that he's too busy.

A Conservative MP said, "At first David truly loved Nick and the first year was like a honeymoon. The way Mr Clegg stabbed the electorate and his own friends in the back really resonated with the Prime Minister and the Tory Party. They were like two peas in a pod. However, it soon became apparent that Mr Clegg was David Cameron's bitch."

"Time after time Nick Clegg was humiliated, which led to distance being created between him and the Prime Minister. Ever since the local elections it seems as though the relationship has become incredibly strained. The new "special relationship" with Obama was the tipping point."

US sources have said that David Cameron is "smitten" with Barack Obama, but the feelings have not been reciprocated by the President. The UK Prime Minister is also startled by Obama's magnetic charisma, but the US President has referred to him as a "posh fool" that "couldn't even high-five properly."

Nick Clegg has gone to extreme lengths to try and salvage his relationship with David Cameron and even promised to screw over more people, such as the NHS, to maintain it.

Two new mega prisons to be built for superinjunction culprits

Two new gigantic prisons are to built for the 75,000 people that broke superinjunctions on numerous footballers, TV stars and actors.

The mega prisons, to be built near the cultural wastelands of Slough and Wolverhampton, will house nearly 40,000 people who breached the superinjunction.

Among those that will be sent to the prisons include five people that called their pub quiz team "What does the o2 arena and Imogen Thomas have in common? They both have Giggs inside them."

A member of the pub quiz team said, "I can't believe we're going to jail, we won best quiz team name for that! It's a lot better than fucking Lionel Tap or Quiz-team Aguilera."

Other people destined for the slammer include Twitter users that thought of humorous Tweets involving the superinjunctees.

One Twitter user said, "I don't even know why I did that tweet about Giggs, I only have 10 followers. I don't even know if anyone listens to me half the time and now I'm going to jail - it takes the piss!"

The legendary footballer was outed by Birmingham MP John Hemming, a Birmingham City fan, who was bitter that Giggs could score yet his beloved Birmingham City failed to do so on regular occasions during the Premier League season.

Mr Hemming said, "Giggs is 37 and yet continues to score. Some of the Birmingham City players are 10, maybe even 15 years younger, and they never seem to score. It's unfair!"

Another footballer that has placed a superinjunction is threatening those that reveal his true identity with legal action and a prison sentence.

The footballer is an England international (somehow) and has been given the initials TSE, which stands for "That Shit England-midfielder." However, others have referred to him as TUTTLORPHATGUBHAUPOSWDHEPFEAWTBOWALWPNSHWGALIW, which stands for "That Useless Twat That Let Ozil Run Past Him And Then Gave Up Because He's A Useless Pile Of Shit, Why Does He Even Play For England? Are We That Bad? Oh Well At Least Wilshere's Playing Now So He Won't Get A Look In. Wanker!"

If more people continue to break superinjunctions then it's rumoured part of the Olympic Stadium will be turned into another mega prison, as half of the stadium will not be needed when West Ham are in League One after 2012.

Liverpool fans go to desperate measures to reclaim past glories

Liverpool fans have gone to drastic measures to reclaim the past glories of the once great football club by building a time machine.

The invention was intended to take the Liverpool fans back to the 1980s where the side dominated England and Europe.

However, it didn't quite go to plan for the intrepid time travellers. After going into the machine the Liverpool fans came out to strike threats, Tory cuts, public discontent, Kenny Dalglish as Liverpool manager, shit music and an IRA bomb threat, but it wasn't the 80s.

At first the Liverpool fans were jubilant and started hugging each other as they were relieved to be away from the mediocrity of the current side.

One fan said, "I don't believe it, we've done it! We're in the 80s. European Cup finals, challenging for titles. This is fucking sound. Best of all we don't have to live off past glories anymore."

Another fan said, "We can tell Rafa not to sign Kromkamp, Josemi, Riera, Voronin, Nunez, Pellegrino, Gonzalez, Ngog, Dossena and Aquilani."

Despite the initial delight, the Liverpool fans eventually realised they weren't in the 80s when they saw the Premiership league table.

The reaction to this was one of absolute frustration. One fan fell to his knees shouting, "I wanted to watch Jan Molby play again, not fucking Lucas. Why?! Why?! Why?!"

However, after being told by his friend to "Calm Down", he pulled himself together and thought of another plan to make Liverpool great again.

It's rumoured that the fans have decided to live off future glories rather than past glories in light of Manchester United now being the most dominant side in English footballing history.

The fans have created a sign ready for next season which says "We will in the future, about 50 years or so, probably have won more than you. What about the present? Who cares. The past? Not anymore. Live for the future. Champions of the Universe 2060/61 (maybe)."

Manchester United's 19th Title Win Causes Celebrations Across UK

Wild celebrations have erupted across the UK following Manchester United's record breaking 19th top flight title victory. Wayne Rooney's second half penalty earned United the requisite point needed to win the league, and fans up and down the country have taken to streets to celebrate - from the Isle of Wight to Inverness, from Kent to Cardiff.

Andrew, 25, from West Sussex (approx. 250 miles from Manchester) claimed; "I can't believe this, it's really nice. It's so difficult being a United fan, it's so tough watching us win trophy after trophy, year after year. It's really frustrating on those rare occasions when things don't go to plan and we lose. I sometimes wish I could support Newcastle or Leeds to save myself the hurt that comes with being a United fan. Last year, when we won nothing, I nearly killed myself because I was so ashamed and disgusted to support a team with no glory, but now we're good again so I'm happy."

Jamal, 23, from Essex (approx. 240 miles from Manchester) wept; "I've waited all my life for this moment, and now it's finally here. I started supporting United in the dark, trophy-less days of 1995 when we had only won a pathetic 9 titles, had only won one double, no treble and when we had a terrible squad and our manager wasn't even a Knight. It took a lot of guts to start supporting such a terrible, woeful team in free fall and with no prospects for the future. But now, now we're the best again and I'm quite pleased."

Gregory, 19, from Cornwall (approx. 330 miles from Manchester) screamed; "I have United running through my veins, it's in my blood. My hairdresser's Uncle was a United fan, and I once met Gary Pallister in a motorway service station, so I was born to be United. I've been to Old Trafford twice as well, once to do the stadium tour and once for an actual game, so this just means the world to me."

These tear soaked, emotion strained words coming from United fans all across the country have only further strengthened the British Media's intention to confirm United as an actual religion. In fact, SKY have now announced a 35 part series called 'The Ferguson Years' which has a total running time of 847 hours, which is coincidentally the amount of time that has been added on in matches in which Manchester United are not winning over the last two years. It is expected that sales of Kleenex will sky rocket when the series commences in the summer.

The United squad, however, are now focusing on their celebrations for the evening. Someone who may or may not be Ryan Giggs is rumoured to be leading the rest of the squad on a night out in Manchester on the hunt for women who may or may not be former Big Brother contestants and/or glamour models.

Google to challenge Facebook in "geek off"

Google and Facebook are set to challenge each other in what tech commentators are calling the ultimate "geek-off."

The feud came to a devastating conclusion following the recent controversy when Facebook hired a PR company to smear Google's privacy and security.

Google found out about this smear campaign after tracking Facebook's movements on Google maps. Facebook responded to this breach of privacy by "fraping" Google's profile writing "Google is taking three cocks up the arse and loves it."

This was enough to push tensions to boiling point and resulted in a Facebook event being organised challenging the two organisations to a "geek off."

The challenges during this "geek off" have not yet been decided but are rumoured to be the following:

- Minesweeper
- Building a robot
- Technic challenge
- Glee club
- Marching band
- Comic book reading
- World of Warcraft
- Warhammer
- Dungeons and dragons

The PR campaign from both sides has started to get nasty with both claiming that the other side is less geeky than them.

Mark Zukerberg CEO of Facebook said, "Everyone at Facebook likes Glee and reads at least 10 comic books per day. We are so much geekier than Google - they probably get so much more girls than us."

Twitter has tried to comment on the "geek off" but Facebook and Google have placed a superinjunction preventing them from doing so.

David Cameron Uses 'Paul Scholes Excuse' Over AV Campaign Behaviour

In the face of mounting criticism over his AV campaigning behaviour, David Cameron has today lashed out at his critics, claiming 'I don't know what all the fuss is about? I'm a Tory, a Tory Prime Minister at that, and this is just what I do.'

Cameron has been accused of treachery, two faced lying, back stabbing and hypocrisy following claims that he campaigned heavily for the 'No to AV', despite having said he would take no such leading role against fellow coalition members. It has also been claimed that up to 90% of the 'No to AV' campaign budget was provided by the Conservative Party.

In his defense, David Cameron has cited the career of Manchester Untied football player Paul Scholes. Despite being widely, and rightly, lauded as one of the best midfield players of his generation, Scholes has had a fortunate knack of going around committing blatant, flagrant, dangerous fouls while rarely getting booked or sent off for it. In fact, rather than having his behaviour frowned upon, Scholes is comforted with the excuse of; "well, he just can't tackle very well, the cheeky little scamp, let him carry on as he is", before having his hair ruffled and then handed a pound to buy some pick 'n' mix on the way home.

Cameron, too, has claimed that as an Eton educated Tory Prime Minister, he should be forgiven his natural tendencies of a ruthless pursuit of total power; shameful, heartless back-stabbing of all those who stand in his way, and his complete and utter obeyance to Lucifer and his minions, the commanders of his eternal soul. In his own words, Cameron insisted, "if Scholesy can get away with a dark side and still be loved, then why can't I?"

Having dodged all questions without an actual answer, Cameron set set out for home at Downing Street. He told the gathered journalists that he had an agreement in place with his wife, Samantha, that if she cooked the dinner and did the ironing then he would let her watch Coronation Street. Whether or not Cameron sticks to his word and lets someone else have half an hour of happiness remains to be seen, but if he doesn't, we shouldn't be surprised anymore.

Clegg promises nude photos of Pippa Middleton to vote for AV

Nick Clegg resorted to desperate measures in an attempt to get the British public, mainly men, to vote for AV.

It's been reported that he promised naked photos of Pippa Middleton if men voted for AV at the recent local elections.

However, like a lot of Nick Clegg's recent promises, it proved to be a load of rubbish and members of the public felt betrayed by him yet again.

One man taken in by the naked Pippa Middleton promise said, "I was promised a naked bridesmaid if I voted 'Yes' to AV, but all I got was a photo of her in a toilet roll dress - everyone's seen that photo."

"Then, when I pressed Clegg on the photo, he gave me another one, but it was of Jordan and not Pippa Middleton. Does he think we're all mugs?!"

Responding to these claims of more false promises Clegg was quick to defend his actions, "Look, under a Coalition government you need to make comprises. Originally I offered Pippa Middleton naked photos but we had to adapt, so instead we offered Katie Price."

Nick Clegg's 'Yes' for AV campaign was dealt a big blow this week when he was named the most hated man in the world by the British public after Osama bin Laden was killed by US forces.

Jack Bauer kills bin Laden in 24 hour mission

It has been revealed that the man behind bin Laden's death is none other than former CIA operative Jack Bauer.

Mr Bauer, who is well-known for completing any mission that could affect the security of the country within 24 hours, did the same during the bin Laden mission and even had time to disappear into the wilderness of the Pakistan mountains where he will remain until the next series.

Barack Obama chose Jack Bauer due to his good relationship with the first black President David Palmer and felt this natural black and white chemistry could be replicated in the bin Laden mission.

At first Mr Bauer was uneasy about coming back to work for the government but was convinced to return within the first two hours of the 24 hour operation if the White House offered two goats he could use in the Pakistan mountains.

After being convinced to take part in the operation, Jack Bauer went into Osama bin Laden's compound alone and unarmed, taking out all of the al-Qaeda leader's men with his bare hands before strangling bin Laden with his beard. This was after Bauer's wife had been raped by Al-Qaeda, son kidnapped by bin Laden, daughter married to one of bin Laden's sons and father revealed to be a Al-Qaeda sypmathiser that had double-crossed the US government, all in the space of 24 hours.

An inside source, "We made it look like the work of America through the unnecessary bombing and subsequent explosion of the compound but really it was all Bauer's work."

President Obama and the CIA were said to be extremely pleased with Bauer's handiwork and urged him to go on more 24 hour missions in Iran, North Korea, Afghanistan, Canada and Mexico.

If the US government is unable to use Bauer in future missions, reports indicate they will call upon Chuck Norris who is able to kick bullets into the heads of his enemies.