A fun loving group of Daily Mail journalists have today started a campaign to eliminate the presence of sexually suggestive journalism across all forms of British media.
The group of seven journalists have called themselves 'Children Come First', and claim that they are motivated by 'the urge to rid modern day media of the filth and degradation in content that has led to the corruption of our children, as well as the rise in teenage pregnancy and divorce figures.'
In a group statement, Children Come First claim:
"For too long now pedlars of filth and smut have become an accepted element in our society, and they have been spreading their ejaculations to all comers. These words and thoughts have been dripping with double entendres, an their articles have been thrust into our faces, and the faces of our children, and we've been forced to swallow it all because we're too polite to spit it out and say no.
Us fully grown adults can only blame ourselves, but for these words to penetrate the supple, warm minds of our children, sliding inside unhindered because they don't know what's going on - that is simply unacceptable. We have already seen that when these sleaze munchers force themselves onto our children, either with the work of their fingers or orally, they become corrupted very quickly and end up getting pregnant with the child of an illegal immigrant, and then get married and divorced, all before the age of 15. Because of all this, it's up to us here to beat off this competition for decency, not matter how stiff and hard it may be; we must persevere and fight for what's right. It's up to us to make sure that Children Come First."
Children Come First's mission statement has been met with a mixed reaction, however, as some have viewed their actions being too hard and penetrating, and will make people sit uncomfortably, while others say that the journalists are too soft and their words are far too limp and flaccid to be able to bang society into any changes. Either way, the balls are in motion and the issue will certainly become a handful.
Monday 29 November 2010
Bose Study Reveals Most Frequently Switched Off Songs
A year long study by Bose has unearthed the songs that are most frequently switched off by men and women respectively. The study took 18 months to complete and cost around £1.7 million in total, but the results and the conclusions drawn from it look set to blow open the gender war once again.
According to the study, the song most likely to be switched off by women is Your Song, by Elton John. Of greatest interest, though, is that all of the women who took part in the study turned this song off at exactly the same point. The point in question is in the very first verse:
It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but -
As a Bose tea boy, who happens to be a psychology graduate, explains: "When Elton muttered his humble, poor 'but', every woman in the survey turned off the stereo. It was uncanny. When they knew that the voice singing the tenderly loving words was actually a poor man, they just lost interest completely. The 'but' became irrelevant, as there is simply no argument: no money, no hope."
In contrast, the song most likely to be switched off by men is Wannabe, by the Spice Girls. As with the women in the study, the men all turned off this song at exactly the same point. This point was:
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends -
The same tea-boy-psychology graduate-insider revealed that "when the men heard a chirpy, flirty female voice saying that a man would have to socialise with her friends before they could become lovers, they instantly lost interest and switched the song off. Men think it's boring enough trying to cement a sexual relationship with a woman on a one-on-one basis, let alone having to get the approval of her friends before anything can happen. It's just simply not worth it, and the results reflect that."
Naturally, men and women around the country have been debating the results, with women complaining to their boyfriends and husbands that all they want is sex and don't care about their friends and their relationship, while men keep telling their girlfriends and wives to shut up and get into bed. It soon appeared, though, that most of these arguments were resolved when the men popped out and bought their women a nice present before they hopped into the sack and forgot all their problems.
According to the study, the song most likely to be switched off by women is Your Song, by Elton John. Of greatest interest, though, is that all of the women who took part in the study turned this song off at exactly the same point. The point in question is in the very first verse:
It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but -
As a Bose tea boy, who happens to be a psychology graduate, explains: "When Elton muttered his humble, poor 'but', every woman in the survey turned off the stereo. It was uncanny. When they knew that the voice singing the tenderly loving words was actually a poor man, they just lost interest completely. The 'but' became irrelevant, as there is simply no argument: no money, no hope."
In contrast, the song most likely to be switched off by men is Wannabe, by the Spice Girls. As with the women in the study, the men all turned off this song at exactly the same point. This point was:
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends -
The same tea-boy-psychology graduate-insider revealed that "when the men heard a chirpy, flirty female voice saying that a man would have to socialise with her friends before they could become lovers, they instantly lost interest and switched the song off. Men think it's boring enough trying to cement a sexual relationship with a woman on a one-on-one basis, let alone having to get the approval of her friends before anything can happen. It's just simply not worth it, and the results reflect that."
Naturally, men and women around the country have been debating the results, with women complaining to their boyfriends and husbands that all they want is sex and don't care about their friends and their relationship, while men keep telling their girlfriends and wives to shut up and get into bed. It soon appeared, though, that most of these arguments were resolved when the men popped out and bought their women a nice present before they hopped into the sack and forgot all their problems.
Thursday 25 November 2010
Nick Clegg refuses to give children Xmas presents despite promises
Nick Clegg, Deputy Prime Minister and Tea Boy for the Coalition government, has sensationally refused to give his children any Christmas presents this year despite promises being made for lots of presents in April.
Nick Clegg also revealed that he never had any intention of giving his children Christmas presents and made the promise so they would behave themselves and vote for him for the Daddies Sauce Dad of the Year award previously won by John Terry.
Nick Clegg has faced criticism following this revelation. But has insisted that this change of heart had nothing to do with gathering votes for the Dad of the Year award in May and was instead due to the fact that the demands of his children for presents were too high.
Defending his actions, Nick Clegg claimed, "The price of Christmas presents have gone up significantly under the Labour government for the past 13 years. In 1996 I could get away with a Buzz Lightyear toy, but now I have to buy the Kinect for the X-Box. In April I was not made aware of the price of the Kinect for the X-Box, but now I am, it is something that I can simply not afford."
Nick Clegg has been threatened with angry opposition from his children who have protested against the lack of Christmas presents by refusing to do their homework or eat their vegetables at the dinner table.
In an effort to calm down the children, Clegg's wife stepped in and informed them that Father Christmas will be able to provide them with plenty of presents to make up for her useless husband. However, Uncle David Cameron later told the children that the annual visit of Father Christmas to millions of homes in Britain had been axed as part of the budget cuts.
Nick Clegg also revealed that he never had any intention of giving his children Christmas presents and made the promise so they would behave themselves and vote for him for the Daddies Sauce Dad of the Year award previously won by John Terry.
Nick Clegg has faced criticism following this revelation. But has insisted that this change of heart had nothing to do with gathering votes for the Dad of the Year award in May and was instead due to the fact that the demands of his children for presents were too high.
Defending his actions, Nick Clegg claimed, "The price of Christmas presents have gone up significantly under the Labour government for the past 13 years. In 1996 I could get away with a Buzz Lightyear toy, but now I have to buy the Kinect for the X-Box. In April I was not made aware of the price of the Kinect for the X-Box, but now I am, it is something that I can simply not afford."
Nick Clegg has been threatened with angry opposition from his children who have protested against the lack of Christmas presents by refusing to do their homework or eat their vegetables at the dinner table.
In an effort to calm down the children, Clegg's wife stepped in and informed them that Father Christmas will be able to provide them with plenty of presents to make up for her useless husband. However, Uncle David Cameron later told the children that the annual visit of Father Christmas to millions of homes in Britain had been axed as part of the budget cuts.
Monday 22 November 2010
Arsene Wenger Spends A Day Abusing Fan At Work
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was today given unrivalled access in to the life of an Arsenal season ticket holder who verbally abused him from the stands throughout the second half of his teams shock defeat to Champions League favourites Spurs.
It is believed that a club insider tracked down the name and address of the fan (Gaz McGeezer) and handed it to Mr. Wenger, who has proceeded to track the fan down and follow him around for the day, verbally insulting him and criticising his decision making skills.
The day started badly for Mr. McGeezer, who has recently had his wife leave him, taking their children with him. As such he was late waking up in the morning, and as he left his house Mr. Wenger jumped out of his car and started shouting "WHERE'S YOUR WIFE? WHERE'S YOUR WIFE YOU FAT W*NKER?!" Mr. McGeezer looked on in a stunned silence, before Mr. Wenger continued "WHERE'S YOUR KIDS YOU STUPID C*NT? WHERE'S YOUR F*CKING KIDS?", before singing "GOT NO WIFE, GOT NO KIDS, GOT NO WIFE, GOT NO KIDS!" clapping along and smiling.
Mr. McGeezer, a mechanic, then arrived at work to begin his day. Mr. Wenger took up a seat in the corner of the garage and monitored Mr. McGeezer's movements closely. The morning dragged, with little action, so Mr. Wenger was forced to just shout out the occasional "W*NKER" or "YOU'RE SH*T, McGEEZER!" After every outburst Mr. Wenger would smile broadly to himself at a job well done.
In the afternoon a customer pulled into the garage claiming that Mr. McGeezer hadn't done a satisfactory job on her brakes. A delighted Mr. Wenger jumped up and started singing "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING", all the while making every hand gesture under the sun. When Mr. McGeezer approached his work colleagues they distanced themselves from his shoddy work, causing Mr. Wenger to bellow "YOUR SUPPORT IS F*CKING SH*T!!"
After correcting his mistake, the customer drove off to the echoes of "WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY, WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY!" emanating from Mr. Wenger's throat. Mr. Wenger then threw a coin at Mr. McGeezer's head, dropping him to the floor with a gaping cut on his head. As work colleagues came to Mr. McGeezer's aid, Mr Wenger let off a red flare and held it aloft triumphantly before pointing at Mr. McGeezer and making a cut throat gesture. A mentally exhausted Mr' McGeezer finally asked, "Why are you doing this?", to which Mr. Wenger replied, "it's all part of the game sunshine, innit."
It is believed that a club insider tracked down the name and address of the fan (Gaz McGeezer) and handed it to Mr. Wenger, who has proceeded to track the fan down and follow him around for the day, verbally insulting him and criticising his decision making skills.
The day started badly for Mr. McGeezer, who has recently had his wife leave him, taking their children with him. As such he was late waking up in the morning, and as he left his house Mr. Wenger jumped out of his car and started shouting "WHERE'S YOUR WIFE? WHERE'S YOUR WIFE YOU FAT W*NKER?!" Mr. McGeezer looked on in a stunned silence, before Mr. Wenger continued "WHERE'S YOUR KIDS YOU STUPID C*NT? WHERE'S YOUR F*CKING KIDS?", before singing "GOT NO WIFE, GOT NO KIDS, GOT NO WIFE, GOT NO KIDS!" clapping along and smiling.
Mr. McGeezer, a mechanic, then arrived at work to begin his day. Mr. Wenger took up a seat in the corner of the garage and monitored Mr. McGeezer's movements closely. The morning dragged, with little action, so Mr. Wenger was forced to just shout out the occasional "W*NKER" or "YOU'RE SH*T, McGEEZER!" After every outburst Mr. Wenger would smile broadly to himself at a job well done.
In the afternoon a customer pulled into the garage claiming that Mr. McGeezer hadn't done a satisfactory job on her brakes. A delighted Mr. Wenger jumped up and started singing "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING", all the while making every hand gesture under the sun. When Mr. McGeezer approached his work colleagues they distanced themselves from his shoddy work, causing Mr. Wenger to bellow "YOUR SUPPORT IS F*CKING SH*T!!"
After correcting his mistake, the customer drove off to the echoes of "WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY, WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY!" emanating from Mr. Wenger's throat. Mr. Wenger then threw a coin at Mr. McGeezer's head, dropping him to the floor with a gaping cut on his head. As work colleagues came to Mr. McGeezer's aid, Mr Wenger let off a red flare and held it aloft triumphantly before pointing at Mr. McGeezer and making a cut throat gesture. A mentally exhausted Mr' McGeezer finally asked, "Why are you doing this?", to which Mr. Wenger replied, "it's all part of the game sunshine, innit."
NEWS OF THE WORLD EXCLUSIVE: PUDSEY THE PAEDO
The whole of the UK is in shock after it was exclusively revealed yesterday by the News of the World that Pudsey the Bear is a convicted paedophile.
An undercover News of the World reporter disguised as a sheik enticed Pudsey with an array of children from different ethnic backgrounds in a secret meeting at a hotel in London. The undercover sting occurred after the newspaper learned that Pudsey, or Mr Bear as he was known to his pupils, was sacked by a top public school for sexual activity with a minor known as Gideon Osborne.
Pudsey has since reinvented himself as the mascot for Children in Need by sporting the trademark bandage over the right eye as a cunning disguise fooling the millions of viewers that watch the tedious 6 hour programme every November.
One former pupil said, "I didn't recognise him at all, but now he's removed that bandage it all makes perfect sense."
In light of these revelations the Daily Mail has today published a story that claims Pudsey the Bear is an illegal immigrant from Iraq called Pudsee Al-Bearzari, who lives in a five bedroom house in Hampstead, but still collects benefits from the UK taxpayer. While the Daily Express has suggested that Mr Bear was involved in both the death of Princess Diana and the kidnapping of Madeline McCann.
The Sun has also launched a campaign to raise awareness of paedophilic bears in the local community called 'Bear Watch.' The campaign has already questioned Winnie the Pooh's relationship with Christopher Robin and accused him of beastiality with a piglet.
An undercover News of the World reporter disguised as a sheik enticed Pudsey with an array of children from different ethnic backgrounds in a secret meeting at a hotel in London. The undercover sting occurred after the newspaper learned that Pudsey, or Mr Bear as he was known to his pupils, was sacked by a top public school for sexual activity with a minor known as Gideon Osborne.
Pudsey has since reinvented himself as the mascot for Children in Need by sporting the trademark bandage over the right eye as a cunning disguise fooling the millions of viewers that watch the tedious 6 hour programme every November.
One former pupil said, "I didn't recognise him at all, but now he's removed that bandage it all makes perfect sense."
In light of these revelations the Daily Mail has today published a story that claims Pudsey the Bear is an illegal immigrant from Iraq called Pudsee Al-Bearzari, who lives in a five bedroom house in Hampstead, but still collects benefits from the UK taxpayer. While the Daily Express has suggested that Mr Bear was involved in both the death of Princess Diana and the kidnapping of Madeline McCann.
The Sun has also launched a campaign to raise awareness of paedophilic bears in the local community called 'Bear Watch.' The campaign has already questioned Winnie the Pooh's relationship with Christopher Robin and accused him of beastiality with a piglet.
Sunday 21 November 2010
Kings of Leon Disband After Disappearing Up Own Arseholes
The once great rock band Kings of Leon have disbanded with immediate effect after it was revealed that they have disappeared up their own arseholes. The news has come as a shock to some, but no surprise at all to others.
It is reported that during the recording of the band's fourth album, Only By The Night, lead singer Caleb Followill confessed to his bandmates/family members that he had been experimenting with sticking his index finger into his own anus. This then naturally led to the insertion of more fingers, followed by the whole fist, and then even the arm itself up to the elbow. After waxing lyrical about how amazing his own rectum was, the entire band followed suit, each finding the feel and smell incredibly moreish.
As this activity bordered on addiction, it is believed that Nathan Followill suggested that the band focus on actually trying to make music that actually had meaning and heart again. The concerns were laughed off, though, and the band went on to write Sex on Fire, Cold Desert and 17.
By the time the band came to record the follow up album Come Around Sundown, they were now completely immersed in their own arseholes, and Caleb was quoted at the time as saying "fuck it, let's just put any old shit out, the casuals are lapping this crap up." They managed to pull themselves out for a brief spell to record the video for the single Radioactive, in which they frolic with numerous black children, showing them a good time with their big rock star hearts, playing football with them, running through sprinklers, eating a tasty lunch and flying kites and such. The usual.
But now they have disappeared completely, fans have been reacting the world over. One fan claimed that "their first two albums are like a gift from a musical God, they were so raw, unique and different to anything else around at the time, even now. They did let their standards drop a bit, but now we know why we can try and learn the lessons and not disappear up our own arseholes."
Another fan, who was unaware of the band's disappearance simply commented; WWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SEX ON FIRE WOOOOOOO YEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
It is reported that during the recording of the band's fourth album, Only By The Night, lead singer Caleb Followill confessed to his bandmates/family members that he had been experimenting with sticking his index finger into his own anus. This then naturally led to the insertion of more fingers, followed by the whole fist, and then even the arm itself up to the elbow. After waxing lyrical about how amazing his own rectum was, the entire band followed suit, each finding the feel and smell incredibly moreish.
As this activity bordered on addiction, it is believed that Nathan Followill suggested that the band focus on actually trying to make music that actually had meaning and heart again. The concerns were laughed off, though, and the band went on to write Sex on Fire, Cold Desert and 17.
By the time the band came to record the follow up album Come Around Sundown, they were now completely immersed in their own arseholes, and Caleb was quoted at the time as saying "fuck it, let's just put any old shit out, the casuals are lapping this crap up." They managed to pull themselves out for a brief spell to record the video for the single Radioactive, in which they frolic with numerous black children, showing them a good time with their big rock star hearts, playing football with them, running through sprinklers, eating a tasty lunch and flying kites and such. The usual.
But now they have disappeared completely, fans have been reacting the world over. One fan claimed that "their first two albums are like a gift from a musical God, they were so raw, unique and different to anything else around at the time, even now. They did let their standards drop a bit, but now we know why we can try and learn the lessons and not disappear up our own arseholes."
Another fan, who was unaware of the band's disappearance simply commented; WWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SEX ON FIRE WOOOOOOO YEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
Jens Lehman's Film Reviews For Laymans: Pretty Woman
So, the moral of Pretty Woman is:
If you sleep with as many men as you possibly can, then maybe one day you'll meet a rich businessman who will pay you to be his girlfriend.
If you sleep with as many men as you possibly can, then maybe one day you'll meet a rich businessman who will pay you to be his girlfriend.
Jens Lehman's Film Reviews For Laymans: Beauty and the Beast
So, the moral of Beauty and the Beast is:
Take a gamble on ugly, aggressive people because one day they might become handsome and you can live in a castle.
Take a gamble on ugly, aggressive people because one day they might become handsome and you can live in a castle.
Jens Lehman's Film Reviews For Laymans: Dirty Dancing
So, the moral of Dirty Dancing is:
If you fancy a bad boy rebel dancer who wears sunglasses indoors at night, just get Daddy to pay for his friend's abortion and he will be forced to love you.
If you fancy a bad boy rebel dancer who wears sunglasses indoors at night, just get Daddy to pay for his friend's abortion and he will be forced to love you.
Friday 19 November 2010
Irish Government Apologises For Jedward
The Irish Government has today sent out a public, heartfelt apology to the world for having spawned the crap-pop-freak show Jedward. The apology was particularly aimed the people of the UK, who have had to suffer this inhuman blight more than anyone else on the planet.
Having remained silent from their first appearance on the X-Factor until now, the Irish government felt it was finally time to distance themselves from the hyperactive homoerotic twins from Dublin. Speaking on behalf of the nation, Irish president Mary McAleese said:
The time has come for the Irish nation to apologise for these two identical dickheads. We're sorry. We know they had a bit of that freak show interest at first, that whole 'are they actually real people?' aura about them. The massive hair, the bouncing off the walls, the fact that neither of them could get one-third of the way through a sentence without the other one joining in - we're sorry. And their songs. Fuck. We're so sorry. They have no talent, we know that, but they got through passport control our end and scurried onto X-Factor where any old bugger can make it. But still - we're sorry.
Ms McAleese offered two shards of glorious hope, however. Firstly, she said that the Irish people had been given the chance to nominate one of their own to scour the globe looking for Jedward in order to behead them with a blunt, rusty machete. The Irish people chose Gerrard Butler. It was soon pointed out that the hunky actor is actually Scottish, but everyone agreed that he sounded Irish and that would do. Plus, he's King Leonidas.
However, even if the sickening, spring-loaded cretins manage to avoid Gerrard Butler, it was also revealed that they have a dangerously high level of crap running through their veins, which simultaneously explains the lack of talent, intelligence and inability to speak. As the levels of crap increase rapidly with every pseudo-hip hop remix of an otherwise harmless song, Jedward move ever closer to their own oblivion. And then all will be quiet, and we will enjoy the silence. For a minute or two. Silence. Soon.
Having remained silent from their first appearance on the X-Factor until now, the Irish government felt it was finally time to distance themselves from the hyperactive homoerotic twins from Dublin. Speaking on behalf of the nation, Irish president Mary McAleese said:
The time has come for the Irish nation to apologise for these two identical dickheads. We're sorry. We know they had a bit of that freak show interest at first, that whole 'are they actually real people?' aura about them. The massive hair, the bouncing off the walls, the fact that neither of them could get one-third of the way through a sentence without the other one joining in - we're sorry. And their songs. Fuck. We're so sorry. They have no talent, we know that, but they got through passport control our end and scurried onto X-Factor where any old bugger can make it. But still - we're sorry.
Ms McAleese offered two shards of glorious hope, however. Firstly, she said that the Irish people had been given the chance to nominate one of their own to scour the globe looking for Jedward in order to behead them with a blunt, rusty machete. The Irish people chose Gerrard Butler. It was soon pointed out that the hunky actor is actually Scottish, but everyone agreed that he sounded Irish and that would do. Plus, he's King Leonidas.
However, even if the sickening, spring-loaded cretins manage to avoid Gerrard Butler, it was also revealed that they have a dangerously high level of crap running through their veins, which simultaneously explains the lack of talent, intelligence and inability to speak. As the levels of crap increase rapidly with every pseudo-hip hop remix of an otherwise harmless song, Jedward move ever closer to their own oblivion. And then all will be quiet, and we will enjoy the silence. For a minute or two. Silence. Soon.
Tuesday 16 November 2010
Wearing flip-flops during winter makes you cold not cool
In light of the most recent trend in the student world, it has been exclusively revealed by scientists that wearing flip-flops during winter makes them cold, not cool.
The news will come as a shock to students who see this fashion accessory as the ultimate trend during winter; not only proving that they are cool, but also 'hard' and resistant to any weather, especially on their feet during the cold, harsh winter.
Scientists made this discovery after doing numerous tests on students and how their feet reacted to cold weather when they were wearing flip-flops. The students used during the study tried to show their resistance to the cold weather but eventually showed their pain, proving that most students are pussies.
When told about the latest findings students expressed shock. Tarquin Henry Asquith, an agriculture student from Reading University, said, "Wearing flip-flops is the ultimate fashion accessory. It proves many things, one of them being that you're really hard as cold weather does not affect you. Me and my chums wear flip-flops all the time and we're pretty much the coolest people on campus, all the girls love us."
One student, however, seemed unsurprised, saying, "wearing flip-flops definitely does not make you cool and is really impractical. The other week I was kicking the shit out of a window and I got a shard of glass stuck in my foot. Not cool!"
The news will come as a shock to students who see this fashion accessory as the ultimate trend during winter; not only proving that they are cool, but also 'hard' and resistant to any weather, especially on their feet during the cold, harsh winter.
Scientists made this discovery after doing numerous tests on students and how their feet reacted to cold weather when they were wearing flip-flops. The students used during the study tried to show their resistance to the cold weather but eventually showed their pain, proving that most students are pussies.
When told about the latest findings students expressed shock. Tarquin Henry Asquith, an agriculture student from Reading University, said, "Wearing flip-flops is the ultimate fashion accessory. It proves many things, one of them being that you're really hard as cold weather does not affect you. Me and my chums wear flip-flops all the time and we're pretty much the coolest people on campus, all the girls love us."
One student, however, seemed unsurprised, saying, "wearing flip-flops definitely does not make you cool and is really impractical. The other week I was kicking the shit out of a window and I got a shard of glass stuck in my foot. Not cool!"
Sunday 14 November 2010
Pub Clientele Ignore Meaning Of Life Due To Subtitles
The clientele of a pub in Norwich, Suffolk, have allegedly passed up the chance to find out the meaning of life, and the answers to numerous other unanswerable questions, because they chose to ignore what was being said due to the fact that it was delivered in Aramaic with English subtitles.
The incident occurred at approximately 11:30pm in the Red Lion when the pub was nearing maximum capacity. As the customers chatted away and sipped at their drinks, a white vision beamed out on the 50-inch HD ready plasma TV hanging above the bar, stunning the crowd into silence. Before long the face of Jesus Christ appeared, smiling wistfully and winking playfully at those looking back at him in various forms of drunkenness.
It is at this point that The Saviour of the Christians started to tell his audience the meaning of life, revealing why the human race is in existence and what constitutes a successful life. Naturally, Jesus spoke in Aramaic, but had changed the settings on the TV so his words could be read in conjunction with his image via English subtitles. As the foreign words boomed out in Jesus' seductively husky tones, and the subtitles passed at a comfortable rate, some of the crowd grew restless. "Speak English you twat!" shouted one man, while another chimed in with; "We don't want to read, we just want to sit here like idiotic sponges and soak up explosions and sex scenes."
The message continued unabated, though, as Jesus moved onto how the human race can eradicate all forms of warfare and gain world peace, as well as how to cure all known diseases. By this time, however, most of the crowd had returned to their own private conversations or vacated the premises, disgusted as they were with the foreign filth being shown on TV, and the pure cheek of The Saviour for making them read subtitles.
As one man exited through the main doors, he was heard saying to his friend: "This is a joke, why are they showing us foreign language crap? Subtitles are for pretentious faggots, reading is for arty types, I just can't do it. Who was that guy anyway? He's never been on TV before or in any films has he? I'll wait for the Hollywood remake."
Luckily for this ignorant fool, Hollywood is planning a remake of the incident, starring Taylor Lautner as a constantly shirtless, buff Jesus, with no mention of the meaning of life or answers to human conundrum, nor any substance at all. Instead, there will be a rather clichéd, linear romantic storyline in which the buff, super cute Jesus puts his carpentry degree to good use by trying to win over the heart of the sweet but kooky, as well as painfully shy, Mary Magdalene, played by Megan Fox. It is hotly anticipated, and is expected to smash global grossing records.
The incident occurred at approximately 11:30pm in the Red Lion when the pub was nearing maximum capacity. As the customers chatted away and sipped at their drinks, a white vision beamed out on the 50-inch HD ready plasma TV hanging above the bar, stunning the crowd into silence. Before long the face of Jesus Christ appeared, smiling wistfully and winking playfully at those looking back at him in various forms of drunkenness.
It is at this point that The Saviour of the Christians started to tell his audience the meaning of life, revealing why the human race is in existence and what constitutes a successful life. Naturally, Jesus spoke in Aramaic, but had changed the settings on the TV so his words could be read in conjunction with his image via English subtitles. As the foreign words boomed out in Jesus' seductively husky tones, and the subtitles passed at a comfortable rate, some of the crowd grew restless. "Speak English you twat!" shouted one man, while another chimed in with; "We don't want to read, we just want to sit here like idiotic sponges and soak up explosions and sex scenes."
The message continued unabated, though, as Jesus moved onto how the human race can eradicate all forms of warfare and gain world peace, as well as how to cure all known diseases. By this time, however, most of the crowd had returned to their own private conversations or vacated the premises, disgusted as they were with the foreign filth being shown on TV, and the pure cheek of The Saviour for making them read subtitles.
As one man exited through the main doors, he was heard saying to his friend: "This is a joke, why are they showing us foreign language crap? Subtitles are for pretentious faggots, reading is for arty types, I just can't do it. Who was that guy anyway? He's never been on TV before or in any films has he? I'll wait for the Hollywood remake."
Luckily for this ignorant fool, Hollywood is planning a remake of the incident, starring Taylor Lautner as a constantly shirtless, buff Jesus, with no mention of the meaning of life or answers to human conundrum, nor any substance at all. Instead, there will be a rather clichéd, linear romantic storyline in which the buff, super cute Jesus puts his carpentry degree to good use by trying to win over the heart of the sweet but kooky, as well as painfully shy, Mary Magdalene, played by Megan Fox. It is hotly anticipated, and is expected to smash global grossing records.
Friday 12 November 2010
British Relations With Germany Under Strain Due To Erroneous Emoticon :-s
Having pissed off the majority of the UK, Prime Minister David Cameron has taken to annoying people on the continent. His actions have now caused political relations between Great Britain and Germany to plummet to new lows after a seemingly erroneous emoticon placed in an email to German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
Cameron had been in Berlin for the previous two days, engaging in meetings with his Teutonic counterpart in order to improve trade relations between the two countries. These meetings had widely been reported as being incredibly positive, with two politicians seemingly wanting to actually get a solution to a common problem without simply refusing to budge on their own personal vendettas. However, yesterday evening, having reconvened to his hotel room to freshen up before dinner at a Bratwursthaus, Mr. Cameron sent Ms. Merkel an email asking "Looking forward to the big meat?" At this point, though, instead of inserting a :-) (smiley face), Mr. Cameron accidentally inserted a ;-) (smiley winking face), instantly sending his email from innocent, (public) schoolboy naivety to an email dripping with smut and sleaze.
Upon receiving the email, Ms. Merkel was reportedly thrown into a state of shock and confused arousal at its incredibly suggestive nature. Naturally, Mr. Cameron went straight on the defensive, claiming, "I was in a rush as I had the shower running and I was talking to Sarah on FB chat, and in my haste I didn't hold down the shift key as I pushed down on the colon/semi colon key, and then Bob's your uncle, I look like a pervert."
Ms. Merkel, however, is having none of it, and has immediately closed down all trade links with Great Britain, and has banned all British TV shows from being aired on German television, including Big Break and Bruce Forsyth era The Generation Game.
Mr. Cameron has now returned to British shores where he now hopes to piss off students, nurses and doctors, police officers, teachers, civil servants and dogs. But still, these things need to be done. We salute you O Glorious Leader!
Wednesday 10 November 2010
Facebook status updates do not make you more interesting
A new study from social media students at Thames Valley University has exclusively revealed that Facebook updates stating what a person is doing does not make them more interesting. Moreover, the study went on to claim that if anything, constant boring updates about meals, snacks, sitting down, going to bed and having a cup of tea are actually more likely to cause the Facebook user in question to be deleted by a large number of their online buddies.
The news will come as a shock to many Facebook users who seem intent on documenting every aspect of their daily routine through status updates with the belief it will make their boring, tedious lives seem more interesting.
One user who wishes to remain anonymous expressed shock at the finding, "I tell people what I'm doing everyday on Facebook. I think it makes me more interesting, it shows I can turn on a computer and that. But now you've told me this, I just don't know what to believe."
Others seem to be in denial, with one user saying, "This is a load of rubbish. Everyone needs to know what I'm doing at every given opportunity. On average I get five 'likes' per day, which shows people do care."
The person in question then updated their Facebook status, stating, "OMG, jus spoke to sum1 bout Facebook status updates. Hw random? Goin out with ma girlies now. Yay!!!!!!!! :-) :-) :-) ;-) xxxx love ya xxxx"
The news will come as a shock to many Facebook users who seem intent on documenting every aspect of their daily routine through status updates with the belief it will make their boring, tedious lives seem more interesting.
One user who wishes to remain anonymous expressed shock at the finding, "I tell people what I'm doing everyday on Facebook. I think it makes me more interesting, it shows I can turn on a computer and that. But now you've told me this, I just don't know what to believe."
Others seem to be in denial, with one user saying, "This is a load of rubbish. Everyone needs to know what I'm doing at every given opportunity. On average I get five 'likes' per day, which shows people do care."
The person in question then updated their Facebook status, stating, "OMG, jus spoke to sum1 bout Facebook status updates. Hw random? Goin out with ma girlies now. Yay!!!!!!!! :-) :-) :-) ;-) xxxx love ya xxxx"
Monday 8 November 2010
Government Plan To Sterilise C.O.D. Fans Rumbled
A covert government plan to sterilise overly enthusiastic video games players (geeks) has been uncovered tonight, a matter of hours before it was set to be unleashed on the British public.
According to our sources, the coalition government had planned to use the release of the hotly anticipated video game Call of Duty: Black Ops to carry out a plan to sterilise the thousands of men/man-boys who planned to queue up outside shops and supermarkets in the pissing freezing rain at midnight in order to get a gay little computer game. Keen for this increasingly regular ritual of geekiness to stop, David Cameron gave the green light for an enormous fleet of transit vans to drive to every corner of the country, each equipped with the latest in testicle draining microwave technology. Once parked within range of their specified queue of geeks, the scrotum shrivelling, sperm stifling equipment would have been activated, rendering hundreds of thousands of X-Box 360 and Playstation 3 worshipping balls redundant.
A government source claims that, "those in Westminster have become increasingly concerned in the rapid increase of these "queue-up-like-losers" sessions for every big name title release. It's out of control; we've seen it for FIFA, Pro Evo, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, anything Grand Theft Auto related. It's so out of control now that the release of the new Jonas Brothers Guitar Hero Vs. Robert Pattinson Halo game has been put back due to expected queues outside major entertainment store chains of upto ten miles. It's ridiculous."
The mission to stop these men from being able to bring new life into the world and thus perpetuate the problem has for now been abandoned. A new plan is not necessarily a top priority, however, as the government has been advised that the likelihood of these men ever finding a woman to want to have sex with them, let alone start a family, is slim to none, as they are more concerned with completing every facet of the game before their friends do than with building a relationship with a woman.
According to our sources, the coalition government had planned to use the release of the hotly anticipated video game Call of Duty: Black Ops to carry out a plan to sterilise the thousands of men/man-boys who planned to queue up outside shops and supermarkets in the pissing freezing rain at midnight in order to get a gay little computer game. Keen for this increasingly regular ritual of geekiness to stop, David Cameron gave the green light for an enormous fleet of transit vans to drive to every corner of the country, each equipped with the latest in testicle draining microwave technology. Once parked within range of their specified queue of geeks, the scrotum shrivelling, sperm stifling equipment would have been activated, rendering hundreds of thousands of X-Box 360 and Playstation 3 worshipping balls redundant.
A government source claims that, "those in Westminster have become increasingly concerned in the rapid increase of these "queue-up-like-losers" sessions for every big name title release. It's out of control; we've seen it for FIFA, Pro Evo, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, anything Grand Theft Auto related. It's so out of control now that the release of the new Jonas Brothers Guitar Hero Vs. Robert Pattinson Halo game has been put back due to expected queues outside major entertainment store chains of upto ten miles. It's ridiculous."
The mission to stop these men from being able to bring new life into the world and thus perpetuate the problem has for now been abandoned. A new plan is not necessarily a top priority, however, as the government has been advised that the likelihood of these men ever finding a woman to want to have sex with them, let alone start a family, is slim to none, as they are more concerned with completing every facet of the game before their friends do than with building a relationship with a woman.
Saturday 6 November 2010
Illegal Downloader Sentenced To Death By Cheryl Cole
The owner of a fruit and veg stall in Leighton Buzzard market has today been sentenced to death by Cheryl Cole after being found guilty of illegally downloading her new album 'Messy Little Raindrops' online.
The male offender, who can't be named for legal reasons, was found to have downloaded the masterpiece illegally from the file sharing website Pirate Bay. Having paid no money for the fruit of Mrs Cole's labours, the jury took only 17 seconds to convict the defendant of theft.
The anonymous thief's defense had laid in his claim that "Terry on the stall next to me sells knock-off CDs and DVDs and he told me that the recording artists who make these CDs and the directors and actors who do the films are so rich that it doesn't matter if we download them for free because it won't make any difference to them; their bank accounts are full enough as it is."
This argument fell flat on its arse in the court, though, as you can't sugar coat stealing. The Judge commented that he was aware of the severity of his verdict, but he noted that the defendant's previous convictions for violence meant nobody would miss this individual too much if he was to die. His previous crimes include being prosecuted for GBH after he physically assaulted a twelve year old boy for stealing two bananas, an apple and a grapefruit from his stall: "He was stealing from my livelihood, he was taking money out of my pocket and food out of my mouth", protested the defendant at the time. The Judge said that if the defendant could see the hypocrisy of his actions then he would let him walk free immediately. Sadly, though, the unnamed thief could see no such thing, and stood by his actions completely.
As such, then, the defendant is due to be executed by Cheryl Cole in two weeks time in a ceremony allegedly taking place in a nightclub toilet where the defendant will dress up as a black female toilet attendant before getting battered by Mrs Cole in a bare knuckle frenzy. Fortunately, though, the defendant's schedule for the next two weeks consists of nothing but listening to the work of Mrs Cole (the solo masterpieces and the art of Girls Aloud), so it will be a relatively painless death. Perhaps more pertinently, this case has now set an ominous precedent to two similar cases in the United States, as James Cameron now looks set to be given the green light to stain the skin of three men and two women blue and then fire them out into space for illegally downloading Avatar, and Leonardo Di Caprio looks set to be successful in his bid to feast on the brains of four young fans in order to devour their dreams for illegally downloading Inception.
You have been warned.
The male offender, who can't be named for legal reasons, was found to have downloaded the masterpiece illegally from the file sharing website Pirate Bay. Having paid no money for the fruit of Mrs Cole's labours, the jury took only 17 seconds to convict the defendant of theft.
The anonymous thief's defense had laid in his claim that "Terry on the stall next to me sells knock-off CDs and DVDs and he told me that the recording artists who make these CDs and the directors and actors who do the films are so rich that it doesn't matter if we download them for free because it won't make any difference to them; their bank accounts are full enough as it is."
This argument fell flat on its arse in the court, though, as you can't sugar coat stealing. The Judge commented that he was aware of the severity of his verdict, but he noted that the defendant's previous convictions for violence meant nobody would miss this individual too much if he was to die. His previous crimes include being prosecuted for GBH after he physically assaulted a twelve year old boy for stealing two bananas, an apple and a grapefruit from his stall: "He was stealing from my livelihood, he was taking money out of my pocket and food out of my mouth", protested the defendant at the time. The Judge said that if the defendant could see the hypocrisy of his actions then he would let him walk free immediately. Sadly, though, the unnamed thief could see no such thing, and stood by his actions completely.
As such, then, the defendant is due to be executed by Cheryl Cole in two weeks time in a ceremony allegedly taking place in a nightclub toilet where the defendant will dress up as a black female toilet attendant before getting battered by Mrs Cole in a bare knuckle frenzy. Fortunately, though, the defendant's schedule for the next two weeks consists of nothing but listening to the work of Mrs Cole (the solo masterpieces and the art of Girls Aloud), so it will be a relatively painless death. Perhaps more pertinently, this case has now set an ominous precedent to two similar cases in the United States, as James Cameron now looks set to be given the green light to stain the skin of three men and two women blue and then fire them out into space for illegally downloading Avatar, and Leonardo Di Caprio looks set to be successful in his bid to feast on the brains of four young fans in order to devour their dreams for illegally downloading Inception.
You have been warned.
Wednesday 3 November 2010
I-phone users lose the ability to do anything themselves
Amid the story on Tuesday that claimed millions of i-phone users were late for important meetings and work because their I-phones failed to automatically update the time overnight on Sunday, further reports suggest that users have now lost the ability to do anything for themselves.
I-phone users are turning into confused, angry drones as their i-phones refuse to do any of their basic daily functions that they could do themselves. These include getting dressed, eating, walking, buying stuff (apart from apps), doing basic DIY, drinking, brushing their teeth and bathing.
I-phone users are in outrage and claim the i-phone isn't as great as they once thought. Mark Denman from TOTAL BS Marketing, claims; "I was late to an important meeting because my i-phone didn't change the time for me. I'm a busy man who works hard and plays harder, I don't have time to do any of the other normal shit most plebs do on a daily basis. I expect my i-phone to do this for me."
Bill McCommon from Whitley in Reading also commented, "My i-phone is a bloody disgrace. I was taking a shit the other day and it wouldn't even wipe my arse."
Apple have responded to the i-phone epidemic, nicknamed Apple-Gate by many social commentators, with the following statement: "We are so cool and awesome, if anyone doesn't realise how cool and awesome we are, they can go fuck themselves."
More helpfully, one Apple worker stated that app manufacturers will be working on an app that allows the i-phone to do basic human functions on a regular basis.
We tried speaking to one app manufacturer but they were too busy developing another app that drinks an imaginary pint when the i-phone is tilted to comment.
I-phone users are turning into confused, angry drones as their i-phones refuse to do any of their basic daily functions that they could do themselves. These include getting dressed, eating, walking, buying stuff (apart from apps), doing basic DIY, drinking, brushing their teeth and bathing.
I-phone users are in outrage and claim the i-phone isn't as great as they once thought. Mark Denman from TOTAL BS Marketing, claims; "I was late to an important meeting because my i-phone didn't change the time for me. I'm a busy man who works hard and plays harder, I don't have time to do any of the other normal shit most plebs do on a daily basis. I expect my i-phone to do this for me."
Bill McCommon from Whitley in Reading also commented, "My i-phone is a bloody disgrace. I was taking a shit the other day and it wouldn't even wipe my arse."
Apple have responded to the i-phone epidemic, nicknamed Apple-Gate by many social commentators, with the following statement: "We are so cool and awesome, if anyone doesn't realise how cool and awesome we are, they can go fuck themselves."
More helpfully, one Apple worker stated that app manufacturers will be working on an app that allows the i-phone to do basic human functions on a regular basis.
We tried speaking to one app manufacturer but they were too busy developing another app that drinks an imaginary pint when the i-phone is tilted to comment.
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