In the wake of Heathrow Airport's shocking inability to handle the winter weather, a snitchy insider has claimed that those in charge of the laughing stock of the air travel industry were always going to show their incompetence and inability to deal with the chaos after they failed to organise a successful pre-Christmas party for BAA staff in a local brewery.
According to the whistle-blower, who wishes to remain anonymous, "the bosses at Heathrow decided to take the majority of staff employed at the airport to a local brewery in order to have a knees-up before the busy Christmas period set in."
Upon arriving at the brewery, however, the employees soon realised that those in charge of Heathrow had made several huge blunders, despite having been their all afternoon organising the festivities.
Our insider claims that "the guys in charge had been boasting about the £6 million they had invested in alcohol (both beer and cider, as well as alcopops), various Christmas compilation CDs, party poppers and cleaning products for any drunken mishaps. They seemed very confident that they knew what was coming, and they had certainly had enough notice, it's not like the party crept up on them. We had one last year too."
It became painfully apparent, though, that the bosses were failing miserably at organising this particular piss-up in a brewery. Our source claims that:
Somebody spilt a drink that left a puddle in the middle of the room, and it sent the place into meltdown. The bosses shut everything down: they turned off the music, turned up the lights, and locked the doors. They stood around debating which tissue paper to use to soak it up, all the while keeping us pinned against the walls at the edge of the room in a long line. After three hours the puddle was finally removed, but afterwards the music was only played at half the volume, and they ushered us through to the drinks table two at a time, with a full two minute gap between each departure from the line. They even called people who were planning to attend the party later in the evening to not bother travelling to the brewery as there was no point, they wouldn't get a drink in time. It was insane! Everyone had sobered up by the time they had got back to the dancefloor - no one was where they wanted to be.
When the party had finished, and everybody vacated the building to the car park, a light snow had started to fall. It is reported that a few employees looked at each other with concerned faces, but the bosses soon put them ease, claiming "it's fine, we've invested millions in snow clearing equipment, we're organised and ready."
Thursday 23 December 2010
David Cameron "not to be trusted" after pub quiz row
Prime Minister David Cameron has been called "untrustworthy" and accused of cheating by back-bench Lib Dem MPs after a questionable win in the first ever Coalition government pub quiz.
Mr Cameron's team called the "Eton Massive", which included George Osborne and Boris Johnson, were declared the winners after getting nearly 90 per cent of their answers correct.
However, the manner of their win has been questionned by Lib Dem MPs that no-one's ever heard of, after one of them spotted George Osborne using his BlackBerry throughout the quiz, especially during the popular culture and current affairs rounds.
One Lib Dem MP, who does not wish to be named, said, "George Osborne can't answer basic questions about the economy, let alone popular culture questions like who won this year's X-Factor."
Another anonymous Lib Dem MP said, "I saw all of them cheating throughout. Boris Johnson even tried to distract everyone with his incoherent rambling as Cameron and Osborne looked up the answers on their phones."
Deflecting blame away for their actions David Cameron blamed the former Labour government for their supposed cheating, which he feels was brought about by a decline in what he calls "ethical behaviour in pub quiz competition."
He said, "Under the previous Labour government cheating in quizzes has accelerated to record highs. As far as I'm concerned they took their eye off the ball and let this sort of disgraceful behaviour consistently happen under their watch."
Despite numerous complaints throughout the evening, Quizmaster Nick Clegg did nothing to stop or address the blatant cheating.
Insiders said the Deputy Prime Minister ignored the protests and tried to calm his fellow Lib Dem MPs down by stating that they needed to get along with their Conservative colleagues to create a better pub quiz environment for future generations.
Lib Dem MPs, dismayed by Nick Clegg letting the Conservative Party do whatever they want, have threatened to never participate in another pub quiz and called for the Deputy Prime Minister to resign from his position as Quizmaster.
One Lib Dem MP said, "This blatant disregard for other people and uneccessary cheating by the Prime Minister and Chancellor during the pub quiz will not be tolerated. We have had enough of standing in the background and complaining to Nick Clegg about their actions while he does nothing. This will be the last pub quiz I attend."
Mr Cameron's team called the "Eton Massive", which included George Osborne and Boris Johnson, were declared the winners after getting nearly 90 per cent of their answers correct.
However, the manner of their win has been questionned by Lib Dem MPs that no-one's ever heard of, after one of them spotted George Osborne using his BlackBerry throughout the quiz, especially during the popular culture and current affairs rounds.
One Lib Dem MP, who does not wish to be named, said, "George Osborne can't answer basic questions about the economy, let alone popular culture questions like who won this year's X-Factor."
Another anonymous Lib Dem MP said, "I saw all of them cheating throughout. Boris Johnson even tried to distract everyone with his incoherent rambling as Cameron and Osborne looked up the answers on their phones."
Deflecting blame away for their actions David Cameron blamed the former Labour government for their supposed cheating, which he feels was brought about by a decline in what he calls "ethical behaviour in pub quiz competition."
He said, "Under the previous Labour government cheating in quizzes has accelerated to record highs. As far as I'm concerned they took their eye off the ball and let this sort of disgraceful behaviour consistently happen under their watch."
Despite numerous complaints throughout the evening, Quizmaster Nick Clegg did nothing to stop or address the blatant cheating.
Insiders said the Deputy Prime Minister ignored the protests and tried to calm his fellow Lib Dem MPs down by stating that they needed to get along with their Conservative colleagues to create a better pub quiz environment for future generations.
Lib Dem MPs, dismayed by Nick Clegg letting the Conservative Party do whatever they want, have threatened to never participate in another pub quiz and called for the Deputy Prime Minister to resign from his position as Quizmaster.
One Lib Dem MP said, "This blatant disregard for other people and uneccessary cheating by the Prime Minister and Chancellor during the pub quiz will not be tolerated. We have had enough of standing in the background and complaining to Nick Clegg about their actions while he does nothing. This will be the last pub quiz I attend."
Tuesday 21 December 2010
DJ Tim Westwood being treated for shock
Radio One DJ Tim Westwood is in hospital being treated for shock after discovering for the first time in his life that he isn't black.
Mr Westwood made the discovery after looking into a mirror at the Radio One studio and realising he actually has light skin instead of the dark skin he previously believed.
After making this discovery Tim Westwood fainted and had to be woken up by Fearne Cotton before being sent to a local hospital.
When Mr Westwood woke up he initially showed signs of aggression, but was calmed down after being shot with a tranquillizer. Once calm it was explained to him by a medical team that he wasn't black and would have to start a new life as a normal middle-aged white man.
Tim Westwood is making steps towards accepting his whiteness, but is still in a state of shock over discovering he isn't black.
An inside source says, "Mr Westwood still breaks into random raps and sometimes goes into long monologues about how his people have been suppressed for years. However, on the whole, he is making a good recovery from the initial shock."
Psychologists are working around the clock with intensive sessions that explain Tim Westwood's family tree in great detail proving that he did not descend from Jamaica as previously thought.
Steady progress is already made and it's hoped by the end of this week he will use the word "sick" to describe illness rather than using it to approve of something.
Mr Westwood made the discovery after looking into a mirror at the Radio One studio and realising he actually has light skin instead of the dark skin he previously believed.
After making this discovery Tim Westwood fainted and had to be woken up by Fearne Cotton before being sent to a local hospital.
When Mr Westwood woke up he initially showed signs of aggression, but was calmed down after being shot with a tranquillizer. Once calm it was explained to him by a medical team that he wasn't black and would have to start a new life as a normal middle-aged white man.
Tim Westwood is making steps towards accepting his whiteness, but is still in a state of shock over discovering he isn't black.
An inside source says, "Mr Westwood still breaks into random raps and sometimes goes into long monologues about how his people have been suppressed for years. However, on the whole, he is making a good recovery from the initial shock."
Psychologists are working around the clock with intensive sessions that explain Tim Westwood's family tree in great detail proving that he did not descend from Jamaica as previously thought.
Steady progress is already made and it's hoped by the end of this week he will use the word "sick" to describe illness rather than using it to approve of something.
Monday 20 December 2010
Paris Hilton in North Korean labour camp
Socialite and sex tape star Paris Hilton has been sent to a North Korean labour camp after trying to become Kim Jong-Il's best friend.
Ms Hilton wanted to become the North Korean dictator's friend after hearing about his vast fortune, luxury homes, lavish parties and impressive entourage. She had also heard about how "super-popular" Kim Jong-Il is to the North Korean people.
However, her plan to become his best friend failed spectacularly after Paris started singing pro-American songs while drunk and partying with Kim Jong-Il and his crew.
When being sent to the labour camp Paris questioned Kim Jong-Il's actions saying "it was like totally unfair". But this angered the "dear leader" more who increased Hilton's labour camp sentence.
News of Paris Hilton's sentence has spread to the White House with Kim Jong-Il leaving a message for President Barack Obama, which read:
"Fucka you Obama and fucka you America. I haba Paris Hirton, the symbor of America capitarism. You wirr withdraw your support from South Korea or Ms Hirton wirr be kirred."
The President has since responded with the following statement:
"I honestly don't care you stupid little man. No-one likes her anyway."
Following Obama's response, Paris Hilton sent an urgent message to all her followers via Twitter pleading with them to rescue her from North Korea. However, Hilton's followers are not the smartest and think North Korea is ten miles outside Las Vegas.
Ms Hilton wanted to become the North Korean dictator's friend after hearing about his vast fortune, luxury homes, lavish parties and impressive entourage. She had also heard about how "super-popular" Kim Jong-Il is to the North Korean people.
However, her plan to become his best friend failed spectacularly after Paris started singing pro-American songs while drunk and partying with Kim Jong-Il and his crew.
When being sent to the labour camp Paris questioned Kim Jong-Il's actions saying "it was like totally unfair". But this angered the "dear leader" more who increased Hilton's labour camp sentence.
News of Paris Hilton's sentence has spread to the White House with Kim Jong-Il leaving a message for President Barack Obama, which read:
"Fucka you Obama and fucka you America. I haba Paris Hirton, the symbor of America capitarism. You wirr withdraw your support from South Korea or Ms Hirton wirr be kirred."
The President has since responded with the following statement:
"I honestly don't care you stupid little man. No-one likes her anyway."
Following Obama's response, Paris Hilton sent an urgent message to all her followers via Twitter pleading with them to rescue her from North Korea. However, Hilton's followers are not the smartest and think North Korea is ten miles outside Las Vegas.
Wednesday 15 December 2010
Coalition Government Disbands Over Shambolic Secret Santa
The UK has tonight been plunged into yet another political crisis as the coalition government has dramatically disbanded over a shambolic Secret Santa involving the most senior government ministers.
According to breaking reports, the Secret Santa was organised by Nick Clegg and involved David Cameron, George Osborne, Theresa May, William Hague, Vince Cable, Eric Pickles and, naturally, Nick Clegg himself. Each person put their names into a hat and were then drawn out to much secrecy and giggles, before each of them scurried off into the streets of London to buy a present worth between £5 and £10.
Cracks started to show immediately though, as Vince Cable was seen giving Nick Clegg two packs of cigarettes in order to change people with him. Nick Clegg had promised not to change his mind, and to adhere to the bond of secrecy that unites a Secret Santa scheme, but naturally, he was lying, and accepted Mr. Cable's offer.
Eric Pickles then entered the House of Commons during a live televised debate and started to ask aloud if anyone had an ideas about what to get David Cameron for Christmas. Sadly, the Prime Minister was watching the the debate live on Sky News and erupted into an uncontrollable rage at finding out who had drawn his name out of the hat. Part of this anger was also aimed at the fact that he had drawn Nick Clegg, and he knew that whatever he bought his deputy he would say he loved it with all of his heart even if he hated it.
It is believed that everyone wanted to draw Theresa May so they could just get £10 worth of 'bits' from Lush because, as Ms. May said herself, "girls love that shit." Sadly, though, George Osborne drew Ms. May, and having no sense of reality, he decided to buy her an Eton scarf made of cashmere worth £200.
By the time all 8 members of the Secret Santa reconvened, it had become painfully clear that it had become a shambles. David Cameron blamed his Liberal counterparts, saying that they were just happy to be there and didn't care about taking it seriously, while Nick Clegg blamed his Tory colleagues for being out of touch, being quoted as saying "Secret Santa's always fall apart, it's inevitable. The Tories are just so out of touch to have not seen this coming."
The glorious coalition, then, has now disbanded with huff and a whimper. As it stands, a group of protesting, anarchist students are currently running the country after shitting on the Cenotaph and beheading the statue of Winston Churchill in the name of education. David Cameron has wished his successors good luck, noting that "apparently no one is fit to run the country, so I'd quite like to see some pathetic, moaning students have their souls ground into Earth until they choke on their Topman discount."
According to breaking reports, the Secret Santa was organised by Nick Clegg and involved David Cameron, George Osborne, Theresa May, William Hague, Vince Cable, Eric Pickles and, naturally, Nick Clegg himself. Each person put their names into a hat and were then drawn out to much secrecy and giggles, before each of them scurried off into the streets of London to buy a present worth between £5 and £10.
Cracks started to show immediately though, as Vince Cable was seen giving Nick Clegg two packs of cigarettes in order to change people with him. Nick Clegg had promised not to change his mind, and to adhere to the bond of secrecy that unites a Secret Santa scheme, but naturally, he was lying, and accepted Mr. Cable's offer.
Eric Pickles then entered the House of Commons during a live televised debate and started to ask aloud if anyone had an ideas about what to get David Cameron for Christmas. Sadly, the Prime Minister was watching the the debate live on Sky News and erupted into an uncontrollable rage at finding out who had drawn his name out of the hat. Part of this anger was also aimed at the fact that he had drawn Nick Clegg, and he knew that whatever he bought his deputy he would say he loved it with all of his heart even if he hated it.
It is believed that everyone wanted to draw Theresa May so they could just get £10 worth of 'bits' from Lush because, as Ms. May said herself, "girls love that shit." Sadly, though, George Osborne drew Ms. May, and having no sense of reality, he decided to buy her an Eton scarf made of cashmere worth £200.
By the time all 8 members of the Secret Santa reconvened, it had become painfully clear that it had become a shambles. David Cameron blamed his Liberal counterparts, saying that they were just happy to be there and didn't care about taking it seriously, while Nick Clegg blamed his Tory colleagues for being out of touch, being quoted as saying "Secret Santa's always fall apart, it's inevitable. The Tories are just so out of touch to have not seen this coming."
The glorious coalition, then, has now disbanded with huff and a whimper. As it stands, a group of protesting, anarchist students are currently running the country after shitting on the Cenotaph and beheading the statue of Winston Churchill in the name of education. David Cameron has wished his successors good luck, noting that "apparently no one is fit to run the country, so I'd quite like to see some pathetic, moaning students have their souls ground into Earth until they choke on their Topman discount."
Monday 13 December 2010
Eric Pickles to eat homeless families as part of new Coalition plans
As local councils across the UK await funding cuts from the coalition government, it has been revealed by government sources that Eric Pickles will be allowed to eat homeless families as part of the new Localism bill.
Under the new bill councils will not be obliged to house homeless families and instead they will be transported to Mr Pickles' house where he will eat them.
Speaking about the bill while scoffing two meat pies, mashed potato, chips, a curry, sausages, black pudding, three fried eggs, onion rings, doughnuts and some Haribo, the Communities Secretary said, "It's not the government's resposnibility to house the poor and those in need of help, but it is their responsibility to ensure that important people like myself are fed properly."
He continued, "Nobody wants to see homeless families on the streets and nobody likes being homeless and poor, so we felt the best thing to do was to send all homeless families to my house where they will be cooked and eaten by myself."
He finished by saying, "I have taken what David and George have said into consideration and understand we all have to make sacrifices during this economic crisis. My sacrifice is giving up eating traditional meat and instead feasting on homeless families."
Commenting on Mr Pickles' plans, Prime Minister David Cameron was full of praise for his selfless attitude towards cutting the deficit.
He said, "Eric is a true patriot for this country, possibly even a hero. He is the perfect person to have standing against the gluttenous, greedy and disgusting individuals that got us into this mess in the first place."
Mr Cameron later went on to say that he too would be making sacrifices. Instead of hiring a personal assistant, he would be appointing Nick Clegg to do the job as part of his role as Deputy Prime Minister.
Under the new bill councils will not be obliged to house homeless families and instead they will be transported to Mr Pickles' house where he will eat them.
Speaking about the bill while scoffing two meat pies, mashed potato, chips, a curry, sausages, black pudding, three fried eggs, onion rings, doughnuts and some Haribo, the Communities Secretary said, "It's not the government's resposnibility to house the poor and those in need of help, but it is their responsibility to ensure that important people like myself are fed properly."
He continued, "Nobody wants to see homeless families on the streets and nobody likes being homeless and poor, so we felt the best thing to do was to send all homeless families to my house where they will be cooked and eaten by myself."
He finished by saying, "I have taken what David and George have said into consideration and understand we all have to make sacrifices during this economic crisis. My sacrifice is giving up eating traditional meat and instead feasting on homeless families."
Commenting on Mr Pickles' plans, Prime Minister David Cameron was full of praise for his selfless attitude towards cutting the deficit.
He said, "Eric is a true patriot for this country, possibly even a hero. He is the perfect person to have standing against the gluttenous, greedy and disgusting individuals that got us into this mess in the first place."
Mr Cameron later went on to say that he too would be making sacrifices. Instead of hiring a personal assistant, he would be appointing Nick Clegg to do the job as part of his role as Deputy Prime Minister.
Friday 10 December 2010
X-Factor finalists One Direction reach puberty
There has been more controversy in the X-Factor this week, as it has been exclusively revealed that members of the boy-band One Direction have all reached puberty.
This is set to scupper the final act's chance of winning the competition as their high pitch voices have now been replaced by a deep, droning and unattractive noise.
The news was broken this week by the "voice of the people" The Sun after it was revealed from an inside source that the boy-band had all shown Cher Lloyd their freshly grown pubes.
The latest twist in the competition will no doubt come as a shock to the legion of One Direction fans who are aware of how reaching puberty can affect people's personality and behaviour.
Reaching puberty has already affected all members of the boy-band. One inside source said, "They won't get out of bed and when they're up all they do is try humping every girl in sight. The curly haired one even tried it on with Dannii Minogue!"
As his remaining act, Simon Cowell is said to be devastated by the news. Speaking exclusively to the X-Factor magazine, "They were in rehearsals singing another Westlife cover then suddenly all of their voices broke."
Mr Cowell is reported to be worried about how this revelation will affect their chances, "I'm really worried about my money...I mean boys. They've really worked hard for my money....I mean themselves, and they really want to make me money....I mean fans proud. They don't want to let my money down....I mean their fans down. Money."
This is set to scupper the final act's chance of winning the competition as their high pitch voices have now been replaced by a deep, droning and unattractive noise.
The news was broken this week by the "voice of the people" The Sun after it was revealed from an inside source that the boy-band had all shown Cher Lloyd their freshly grown pubes.
The latest twist in the competition will no doubt come as a shock to the legion of One Direction fans who are aware of how reaching puberty can affect people's personality and behaviour.
Reaching puberty has already affected all members of the boy-band. One inside source said, "They won't get out of bed and when they're up all they do is try humping every girl in sight. The curly haired one even tried it on with Dannii Minogue!"
As his remaining act, Simon Cowell is said to be devastated by the news. Speaking exclusively to the X-Factor magazine, "They were in rehearsals singing another Westlife cover then suddenly all of their voices broke."
Mr Cowell is reported to be worried about how this revelation will affect their chances, "I'm really worried about my money...I mean boys. They've really worked hard for my money....I mean themselves, and they really want to make me money....I mean fans proud. They don't want to let my money down....I mean their fans down. Money."
Thursday 9 December 2010
Frenzied Bid To Become Totally PC Ends With China Declaring War On UK
The latest attempt by the PC-police to clean up our racist and hate fuelled society has ended with China declaring war on the United Kingdom.
It all started last month, when a group of moaning hippy do-gooders demanded that the government make some changes to our society in order to try and please every single gender, social class and subculture and race in the world. They claimed that "it was the British thing to do, and we shouldn't let anyone down. We hate it when people get upset."
After weeks of arduous, grinding meetings, several major changes were made to improve life in the UK in order to make everything more harmonious. Firstly, Mince Pies were renamed 'Christmas Cakes' in order to avoid offending homosexuals. Secondly, The White Album by The Beatles was removed from shelves across the countries as it was deemed to be too racist to too many people.
Next, for the same reason, the term 'black coffee' was forever banished from the land. Whiteboards in schools and offices have been removed because it is racist against white people, and for similar reasons, they could not be replaced with blackboards; instead, people were just encouraged to write on the walls and paint over their words when they were done.
Furthermore, the rhyme "knick-knack paddy whack" was banned as it was claimed it could insight violence against the Irish. The term "brain-storming" was also banished as it was thought to be offensive to sufferers of epilepsy. And under no circumstances whatsoever was anyone allowed to smile or, heaven forbid, laugh, when mentioning religion.
During the new conference to reveal these changes to life in the UK, however, Prime Minister David Cameron seemed baffled by the changes, and claimed that "it's all Chinese to me." Within seconds, the Chinese government had declared war on the UK via Twitter on the grounds of 'racial hatred and the presumption that the Chinese language is difficult to understand.' D-Cam, though, claimed that he would treat this threat as Chinese whispers until a bomb landed in Downing Street.
It all started last month, when a group of moaning hippy do-gooders demanded that the government make some changes to our society in order to try and please every single gender, social class and subculture and race in the world. They claimed that "it was the British thing to do, and we shouldn't let anyone down. We hate it when people get upset."
After weeks of arduous, grinding meetings, several major changes were made to improve life in the UK in order to make everything more harmonious. Firstly, Mince Pies were renamed 'Christmas Cakes' in order to avoid offending homosexuals. Secondly, The White Album by The Beatles was removed from shelves across the countries as it was deemed to be too racist to too many people.
Next, for the same reason, the term 'black coffee' was forever banished from the land. Whiteboards in schools and offices have been removed because it is racist against white people, and for similar reasons, they could not be replaced with blackboards; instead, people were just encouraged to write on the walls and paint over their words when they were done.
Furthermore, the rhyme "knick-knack paddy whack" was banned as it was claimed it could insight violence against the Irish. The term "brain-storming" was also banished as it was thought to be offensive to sufferers of epilepsy. And under no circumstances whatsoever was anyone allowed to smile or, heaven forbid, laugh, when mentioning religion.
During the new conference to reveal these changes to life in the UK, however, Prime Minister David Cameron seemed baffled by the changes, and claimed that "it's all Chinese to me." Within seconds, the Chinese government had declared war on the UK via Twitter on the grounds of 'racial hatred and the presumption that the Chinese language is difficult to understand.' D-Cam, though, claimed that he would treat this threat as Chinese whispers until a bomb landed in Downing Street.
Sepp Blatter To Be Guest X-Factor Final Judge
Megalomaniac media mogul multi-millionaire Simon Cowell announced today at a press conference that under fire FIFA president Sepp Blatter is to be a celebrity guest judge for the X-Factor Final on Saturday night.
The decision was initially met with fierce criticism, with most skeptics pointing out that Mr. Blatter has no credentials to be judging a karaoke competition and simply shouldn't be there, to which Mr. Cowell simply responded "well Danni Minogue is on the panel and what the fuck has she ever done?"
Every journalist simultaneously responded with a "true dat", but continued to press for answers, unconvinced as they were with the choice seeing as previous celebrity judges this series have included Katy Perry and Nicole Scherzinger.
It was at this stage that Mr. Cowell stood up and claimed that he was going to "simply cut to the chase", claiming that "the X-Factor wants its corruption and result fixing to be completely transparent, we want our fans to know with question that they are literally being spoon fed music and artists that are deemed to be cool and cutting edge by middle aged men in offices."
After complete silence had descended over the ravenous journalists, Mr. Cowell continued that "Sepp Blatter is president of arguably the most corrupt organisation in the world. He's a special talent, and his performance during the World Cup bidding decision last week simply took my breath away. It was the most assured, composed and confident display of shameless corruption I have ever seen; it was the best audition I have ever seen. I knew that if we had him on board for the final show on Saturday then there was no way that the public votes would have any say in the result: Sepp will take of things in his own way, allowing us to choose which ever contestant we feel will make us most money."
Cowell then gave the salivating media the finger and disappeared under a cloud of smoke. Representatives of the X-Factor then slithered their way throught the crowd reassuring them that people should still pay to vote in their millions as anything could happen on the night.*
*Your interpretation of 'anything could happen on the night' may be different to that of Simon Cowell's.
The decision was initially met with fierce criticism, with most skeptics pointing out that Mr. Blatter has no credentials to be judging a karaoke competition and simply shouldn't be there, to which Mr. Cowell simply responded "well Danni Minogue is on the panel and what the fuck has she ever done?"
Every journalist simultaneously responded with a "true dat", but continued to press for answers, unconvinced as they were with the choice seeing as previous celebrity judges this series have included Katy Perry and Nicole Scherzinger.
It was at this stage that Mr. Cowell stood up and claimed that he was going to "simply cut to the chase", claiming that "the X-Factor wants its corruption and result fixing to be completely transparent, we want our fans to know with question that they are literally being spoon fed music and artists that are deemed to be cool and cutting edge by middle aged men in offices."
After complete silence had descended over the ravenous journalists, Mr. Cowell continued that "Sepp Blatter is president of arguably the most corrupt organisation in the world. He's a special talent, and his performance during the World Cup bidding decision last week simply took my breath away. It was the most assured, composed and confident display of shameless corruption I have ever seen; it was the best audition I have ever seen. I knew that if we had him on board for the final show on Saturday then there was no way that the public votes would have any say in the result: Sepp will take of things in his own way, allowing us to choose which ever contestant we feel will make us most money."
Cowell then gave the salivating media the finger and disappeared under a cloud of smoke. Representatives of the X-Factor then slithered their way throught the crowd reassuring them that people should still pay to vote in their millions as anything could happen on the night.*
*Your interpretation of 'anything could happen on the night' may be different to that of Simon Cowell's.
Monday 6 December 2010
Silvio Berlusconi to star in MTV style dating show
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is set to star in a new MTV style dating show called "Silvio's Sexy Sluts."
The programme invites 12 'babes' in love with Silvio's smooth charm, good looks and charisma into his Italian home for a series of challenges that test their dedication to him. The winner of "Silvio's Sexy Sluts" will be awarded with a role in the Italian government and the enviable title as one of Mr Berlusconi's many girlfriends.
The show's selection process is gruelling and was often too much for some of the contestants to take. In the first week the 'babes' were tasked with pleasuring Silvio until he yelled the show's catchphrase "Mama Mia!" The girl that did not make him cry out "Mama Mia!" was asked to leave the mansion and paid off with the appropriate amount of money for not selling her story to the Italian press.
Despite the honest intentions of the show, it has been riddled with allegations of in-fighting and corruption. One Russian candidate donated by Soviet Overlord Vladmir Putin was accused of trying to buy Mr Berlusconi for her safe passage through to the next round, two girls of Greek and Turkish origin were seriously injured in the naked wrestling contest and three Italian ladies poured pasta over each other during the cook-off.
When asked about these controversies on the show the Italian Prime Minister replied, "What's da matta wid you, you gotta no respect" before leaving to judge a wet t-shirt contest.
The programme invites 12 'babes' in love with Silvio's smooth charm, good looks and charisma into his Italian home for a series of challenges that test their dedication to him. The winner of "Silvio's Sexy Sluts" will be awarded with a role in the Italian government and the enviable title as one of Mr Berlusconi's many girlfriends.
The show's selection process is gruelling and was often too much for some of the contestants to take. In the first week the 'babes' were tasked with pleasuring Silvio until he yelled the show's catchphrase "Mama Mia!" The girl that did not make him cry out "Mama Mia!" was asked to leave the mansion and paid off with the appropriate amount of money for not selling her story to the Italian press.
Despite the honest intentions of the show, it has been riddled with allegations of in-fighting and corruption. One Russian candidate donated by Soviet Overlord Vladmir Putin was accused of trying to buy Mr Berlusconi for her safe passage through to the next round, two girls of Greek and Turkish origin were seriously injured in the naked wrestling contest and three Italian ladies poured pasta over each other during the cook-off.
When asked about these controversies on the show the Italian Prime Minister replied, "What's da matta wid you, you gotta no respect" before leaving to judge a wet t-shirt contest.
Sunday 5 December 2010
Jens Lehman's Film Reviews For Laymans: Unstoppable
So, the moral of Unstoppable is:
If your marriage is failing and your wife has a restraining order on you seeing her or your child, risk your life chasing down a runaway train and she will love you again.
If your marriage is failing and your wife has a restraining order on you seeing her or your child, risk your life chasing down a runaway train and she will love you again.
Friday 3 December 2010
Sepp Blatter Revealed To Be High Class Hooker
FIFA has been sent into meltdown tonight as it has been revealed that their president, Sepp Blatter, is in fact a high class female prostitute. The shock revelation was discovered in the fall out of the 2018 and 2022 World Cup bidding announcement in Zurich, Switzerland.
Mrs Blatter, or Slutty Swiss Miss to give her professional name, was caught by cleaners giving 'celebratory blowjobs' to the representatives of the Russian and Qatari bid teams after FIFA had controversially awarded them the world cups in 2018 and 2022, respectively. The cleaners then raised the alarm to everyone else in the building, drawing fury and anger from the spurned countries who had had their dreams of holding the greatest sporting event in the world rejected.
Upon learning of Mrs Blatter's dark secret, an English bid team member by the name of Prince William, and the future king of England David Beckham, lashed out. Prince William slammed Blatter, claiming that "we should have known all along, the signs were there for all to see. Mrs Blatter welcomed the advances of numerous groups of men from across the globe, complimenting them on their bids, telling them how impressive their infrastructure was and how she loved their broad shoulders and shimmering eyes. He led us on and broke our heart."
David Beckham went one further, saying that "we wasted so much money trying to buy his love and affection. We spent millions trying to impress her and her whorish friends, and they lapped it up. They flirted like crazy with us and played with our balls, but when push came to shove they all chose the two who threw the most money at them, and sadly, that wasn't us."
The Australian, American, Dutch & Belgian, Spanish & Portuguese and Japanese bid teams all vented their anger too, but it was Prince William's final summary that summed it all up perfectly: "this just confirms that Sepp Blatter and her FIFA whores will do whatever you want as long as you throw enough money at them. They will suck your balls dry and give you a World Cup, you've just got to stump up enough cash to pay for it all."
Mrs Blatter, or Slutty Swiss Miss to give her professional name, was caught by cleaners giving 'celebratory blowjobs' to the representatives of the Russian and Qatari bid teams after FIFA had controversially awarded them the world cups in 2018 and 2022, respectively. The cleaners then raised the alarm to everyone else in the building, drawing fury and anger from the spurned countries who had had their dreams of holding the greatest sporting event in the world rejected.
Upon learning of Mrs Blatter's dark secret, an English bid team member by the name of Prince William, and the future king of England David Beckham, lashed out. Prince William slammed Blatter, claiming that "we should have known all along, the signs were there for all to see. Mrs Blatter welcomed the advances of numerous groups of men from across the globe, complimenting them on their bids, telling them how impressive their infrastructure was and how she loved their broad shoulders and shimmering eyes. He led us on and broke our heart."
David Beckham went one further, saying that "we wasted so much money trying to buy his love and affection. We spent millions trying to impress her and her whorish friends, and they lapped it up. They flirted like crazy with us and played with our balls, but when push came to shove they all chose the two who threw the most money at them, and sadly, that wasn't us."
The Australian, American, Dutch & Belgian, Spanish & Portuguese and Japanese bid teams all vented their anger too, but it was Prince William's final summary that summed it all up perfectly: "this just confirms that Sepp Blatter and her FIFA whores will do whatever you want as long as you throw enough money at them. They will suck your balls dry and give you a World Cup, you've just got to stump up enough cash to pay for it all."
Energy bills drop dramatically in FIFA HQ
Amid the news that FIFA has awarded Russia and Qatar with the 2018 and 2022 World Cups, it has been exclusively revealed that energy bills have dropped dramatically at the football federation's HQ.
Compared to last year's massive bill, this year's has only comes in at 10 euros. When asked about the questionnable energy bill, Sepp Blatter, sporting a new diamond encrusted gold watch, explained that the weather in Switzerland had been kind to them this year and how they don't like using electrical appliances in the office, as he strolled through the five sets of automatic doors.
Mr. Blatter, sporting more hair than usual after expensive surgery, went on to state, "FIFA HQ are part of a direct debit scheme that allows the company to claim back any money at the end of the year if we have paid all of our bills on time. What can I say we have a good admin department!"
At this point the President of FIFA started laughing showing off a brand new gold grill, diamond rings on his fingers, gold chain round his neck and pimp stick with a ruby on top. When a British journalist questioned the bid process, Sepp Blatter called him a "wanker" and walked off sporting his new three-piece suit and jewell encrusted crown.
He then received what he claimed was a bag of laundry from a Russian official by the name of Dimiti Corruptov marked "Rubles", which is apparently the French for laundry.
As journalists left the conference room Mr. Blatter was spotted signing for a package, which he later claimed was footballs for African children, from a Qatar official called Saeed Al-Corruptawi.
In other non-related news FIFA has also formed a new partnership with several oil firms in Middle-East and Russian territories. Blatter has since explained that this is the next logical development to expand football across the world.
Compared to last year's massive bill, this year's has only comes in at 10 euros. When asked about the questionnable energy bill, Sepp Blatter, sporting a new diamond encrusted gold watch, explained that the weather in Switzerland had been kind to them this year and how they don't like using electrical appliances in the office, as he strolled through the five sets of automatic doors.
Mr. Blatter, sporting more hair than usual after expensive surgery, went on to state, "FIFA HQ are part of a direct debit scheme that allows the company to claim back any money at the end of the year if we have paid all of our bills on time. What can I say we have a good admin department!"
At this point the President of FIFA started laughing showing off a brand new gold grill, diamond rings on his fingers, gold chain round his neck and pimp stick with a ruby on top. When a British journalist questioned the bid process, Sepp Blatter called him a "wanker" and walked off sporting his new three-piece suit and jewell encrusted crown.
He then received what he claimed was a bag of laundry from a Russian official by the name of Dimiti Corruptov marked "Rubles", which is apparently the French for laundry.
As journalists left the conference room Mr. Blatter was spotted signing for a package, which he later claimed was footballs for African children, from a Qatar official called Saeed Al-Corruptawi.
In other non-related news FIFA has also formed a new partnership with several oil firms in Middle-East and Russian territories. Blatter has since explained that this is the next logical development to expand football across the world.
Wednesday 1 December 2010
Wikileaks set to reveal the obvious once again
Whistle-blowing site of the obvious, Wikileaks, is set to reveal more 'shocking' truths next week in further fresh revelations.
This follows a week in which the website exclusively revealed America is wary of Iran, members of the Royal Family are slightly racist (and a bit dodgy), most governments think Kim Jong-Il is mental, the US and British governments backed each other during the Iraq War and that people are slightly worried about Pakistan's Nuclear Weapons falling into the wrong hands.
However, all of these 'shocking' revelations are going to seem mildly surprising in comparison to next week's Wikileaks announcements. These will include the following:
- We are in a recession.
- The French like to strike....a lot.
- The Chinese government censor the internet and have a poor human rights record.
- Obama is black.
- David Cameron and George Osborne both went to Eton and are a bit posh.
- Berlusconi is a womaniser with a particular fondness for young ladies.
- Sarkozy is short.
- Sarah Palin isn't very intelligent.
- Neither is Bush.
- Dappy from N-Dubz is a chav.
- Freddie Mercury was a homosexual who liked to sleep around.
- George Michael likes to visit Hampstead Heath on a regular basis, while having a cheeky smoke.
- Bill Gates is really, really rich.
- Osama Bin-Laden is hiding somewhere.
- Simon Cowell is destroying the music industry.
- It has snowed in Britain.
Wikileaks was going to release stories about the pope being Catholic and bears shitting in the woods, but thought this would be too much for people to take.
This follows a week in which the website exclusively revealed America is wary of Iran, members of the Royal Family are slightly racist (and a bit dodgy), most governments think Kim Jong-Il is mental, the US and British governments backed each other during the Iraq War and that people are slightly worried about Pakistan's Nuclear Weapons falling into the wrong hands.
However, all of these 'shocking' revelations are going to seem mildly surprising in comparison to next week's Wikileaks announcements. These will include the following:
- We are in a recession.
- The French like to strike....a lot.
- The Chinese government censor the internet and have a poor human rights record.
- Obama is black.
- David Cameron and George Osborne both went to Eton and are a bit posh.
- Berlusconi is a womaniser with a particular fondness for young ladies.
- Sarkozy is short.
- Sarah Palin isn't very intelligent.
- Neither is Bush.
- Dappy from N-Dubz is a chav.
- Freddie Mercury was a homosexual who liked to sleep around.
- George Michael likes to visit Hampstead Heath on a regular basis, while having a cheeky smoke.
- Bill Gates is really, really rich.
- Osama Bin-Laden is hiding somewhere.
- Simon Cowell is destroying the music industry.
- It has snowed in Britain.
Wikileaks was going to release stories about the pope being Catholic and bears shitting in the woods, but thought this would be too much for people to take.
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