Ext. A suburban street. Two middle class men are going door to door, in amazing suits and with slick hair. They walk down the short garden path towards one house. One of them pulls out a handkerchief and pushes the doorbell while covering his finger, all the while pulling a disgusted face. They both laugh together. An old lady answers the door and greets them.
Henry: Hello there Madame, my name is Henry and this is my good friend Thomas, and we represent the charity WEHELPWANKERS (shows business card).
Thomas: Yes that’s right, Madame, we are here to ask for your help for some very needy individuals. You see, Madame, my friend Henry and I work in the city, the City of London that is, in case you didn't know, but we have fallen on particularly hard times.
Henry: Indeed we have. We have been denied our bonus this year because we rather cheekily lost millions of innocent customers all of their money through reckless business decisions, or some such. I don't really know what it is we did wrong to be honest, I don't even think we did anything wrong, but either way, we aren't getting quite as much money as we thought we would.
Thomas: This is a very serious situation, Madame, because Henry and I have a very expensive cocaine habit to maintain, as well as eating at award winning restaurants and drinking bottle after bottle of fine, imported port at numerous swanky bars in Soho before buying our way out of trouble after battering a stripper or two.
Henry: Not to mention our four day "business" trip to Thailand where we plan to lock ourselves in a hotel room with 200 bottles of champagne, 5 hookers, 5 ladyboys, 20 ounces of coke and just enough crack to see us through without overdosing, you know how it is I'm sure, Madame.
Thomas: As it stands this trip will just have to be charged to the company, but we know everyone is a bit on edge at the moment for some reason, so we are trying to raise funds for it ourselves, so if you could give generously we would appreciate it greatly.
The old lady disappears briefly and returns with a £5 note and hands it over.
Lady: I'm terribly sorry, but that's all I have at the moment, I don't get my pension until Wednesday.
The two men look at each other in disgust.
Henry: Is this all you've got?
Lady: I'm afraid it is.
Henry: Fuck this, I told you this street was too poor, come on let's try another.
The £5 note is thrown down to the floor in disgust and they both walk away, kicking at flowers and flower pots in the garden on the way. They both start to giggle and push at each other and then walk down the street together.
Thursday 30 September 2010
Tuesday 28 September 2010
Michael Bay to direct new film called 'BOOM'
The world's wealthiest director Michael Bay is set to direct a new film that only features explosions and loud noises. The film entitled 'BOOM' follows the main character played by Steven Seagal, as he tries to escape stuff blowing up around him.
The film also features a series of extravagant special effects, which combined with the never-ending explosions and Michael Bay's huge wage, left only a small amount of budget for decent writers and actors. Luckily the film does not feature any dialogue, with Steven Seagal muttering only a few words throughout the film which include: 'DAMN!', 'SHIT!' and 'NO WAY!'
Despite the film containing limited storyline, plot or dialogue, it is set to be a box office smash as Bay cleverly taps into the retarded redneck audience in America that like explosions and loud noises. Lets hope it can reach the heady heights of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.
The film also features a series of extravagant special effects, which combined with the never-ending explosions and Michael Bay's huge wage, left only a small amount of budget for decent writers and actors. Luckily the film does not feature any dialogue, with Steven Seagal muttering only a few words throughout the film which include: 'DAMN!', 'SHIT!' and 'NO WAY!'
Despite the film containing limited storyline, plot or dialogue, it is set to be a box office smash as Bay cleverly taps into the retarded redneck audience in America that like explosions and loud noises. Lets hope it can reach the heady heights of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.
Monday 20 September 2010
N-Dubz to release album of Queen covers
Fans of N-Dubz are coming to terms with the news that Fazer, Tulisa and Dappy will be releasing an album of Queen covers. Fans of the band are unaware who the actual Queen is, let alone the band, but Dappy was quick to explain on Twitter. He said “Queen is da band hoo ‘ad dat battyman leed singin.”
Despite the album being a cover of Queen’s greatest hits, N-Dubz will be adding their own unique style to the songs. The lead song on the album will be called ‘Bohemian Brapsody’ and the lyric ‘Galileo, Galileo....’ is being changed to ‘Ford Mondeo, Ford Mondeo’ referring to the first car that Dappy and Fazer stole.
Other songs include ‘Don’t stop me blud’ referring to what Dappy said to Fazer, when he revealed that was going to steal a bag of pick and mix from Woolworths, and ‘We Will Merk You’, which reveals a series of insults that were traded between Dappy and an unsuspecting Radio One viewer who dared to “disrespect them” over text message.
So watch this space for the album that Chav Magazine gave four braps. A perfect gift for Christmas that aims to bring broken homes together across the UK.
Despite the album being a cover of Queen’s greatest hits, N-Dubz will be adding their own unique style to the songs. The lead song on the album will be called ‘Bohemian Brapsody’ and the lyric ‘Galileo, Galileo....’ is being changed to ‘Ford Mondeo, Ford Mondeo’ referring to the first car that Dappy and Fazer stole.
Other songs include ‘Don’t stop me blud’ referring to what Dappy said to Fazer, when he revealed that was going to steal a bag of pick and mix from Woolworths, and ‘We Will Merk You’, which reveals a series of insults that were traded between Dappy and an unsuspecting Radio One viewer who dared to “disrespect them” over text message.
So watch this space for the album that Chav Magazine gave four braps. A perfect gift for Christmas that aims to bring broken homes together across the UK.
Thursday 16 September 2010
WHY News: The Tabloid Newspaper Newsroom
Another WHY? News sketch and this time we visit the newsroom of a tabloid newspaper.
Int. An office for a tabloid newspaper. Three journalists are lazing around, bored out of their minds, checking their phones and emails waiting for some news to happen.
Journalist 1: Right, this approach isn’t working, let’s force the issue.
Journalist 2: You mean lie?
Journalist 1: No, I mean let’s force the issue and fabricate a story. Right, I’ll start…..Tom Cruise…
Journalist 1 looks at Journalist 2 with hope, making encouraging hand gestures. Journalist 2 hesitates but slowly realises what is expected of him.
Journalist 2: …caught by wife…?
Journalist 1 and 2 look at Journalist 3 full of hope. He thinks for a moment.
Journalist 3: …buying porn off Amazon?
Journalist 1 and 2 slam their hands down on the desk in triumph and cheer in delight.
Journalist 1: Yes, let’s run that one, that’ll do.
Journalist 2: it’s quite a good one actually.
Journalist 3: For once.
Int. An office for a tabloid newspaper. Three journalists are lazing around, bored out of their minds, checking their phones and emails waiting for some news to happen.
Journalist 1: Right, this approach isn’t working, let’s force the issue.
Journalist 2: You mean lie?
Journalist 1: No, I mean let’s force the issue and fabricate a story. Right, I’ll start…..Tom Cruise…
Journalist 1 looks at Journalist 2 with hope, making encouraging hand gestures. Journalist 2 hesitates but slowly realises what is expected of him.
Journalist 2: …caught by wife…?
Journalist 1 and 2 look at Journalist 3 full of hope. He thinks for a moment.
Journalist 3: …buying porn off Amazon?
Journalist 1 and 2 slam their hands down on the desk in triumph and cheer in delight.
Journalist 1: Yes, let’s run that one, that’ll do.
Journalist 2: it’s quite a good one actually.
Journalist 3: For once.
Sunday 12 September 2010
No Accounting for Taste: Police Line-Up
Women love a bad boy don't they? For some women being treated badly is a turn-on and a must-have attribute for "their man". We then took this concept a bit further for comedic effect (we hope).
Int. In police station at a line-up. Six male criminals are lined up against a wall. From behind a two way mirror a nervous looking woman is eyeing the men up with anger. She is flanked by a policeman.
Policeman: Which of these men mugged you, Sandra?
Sandra: (looking teary) That one (Points at one of the men)
Policeman: It's ok, you’ve been very brave.
The policeman signals to remove the other men apart from culprit.
Sandra: May I please go in and ask why he did it?
Policeman: (surprised) Yes, of course, as long as you're sure you'll be ok.
Sandra: Yes I'll be ok
Policeman opens a door and lets Sandra through. She approaches the criminal.
Sandra: Why did you do it? Why me? You’ve ruined my life.
Culprit: Fuck you!
Sandra bites her lip flutters her eyelids. She lunges at the man rips open her his shirt.
Sandra: You're such a bad boy aren't you?
They start to kiss passionately.
Sandra: Oh God, I want you so bad, I want you to treat me like shit and walk all over me!
Int. In police station at a line-up. Six male criminals are lined up against a wall. From behind a two way mirror a nervous looking woman is eyeing the men up with anger. She is flanked by a policeman.
Policeman: Which of these men mugged you, Sandra?
Sandra: (looking teary) That one (Points at one of the men)
Policeman: It's ok, you’ve been very brave.
The policeman signals to remove the other men apart from culprit.
Sandra: May I please go in and ask why he did it?
Policeman: (surprised) Yes, of course, as long as you're sure you'll be ok.
Sandra: Yes I'll be ok
Policeman opens a door and lets Sandra through. She approaches the criminal.
Sandra: Why did you do it? Why me? You’ve ruined my life.
Culprit: Fuck you!
Sandra bites her lip flutters her eyelids. She lunges at the man rips open her his shirt.
Sandra: You're such a bad boy aren't you?
They start to kiss passionately.
Sandra: Oh God, I want you so bad, I want you to treat me like shit and walk all over me!
Monday 6 September 2010
Man in Little White Pants: Brothel
Tomorrow is England's second European Championship Qualifying match against Switzerland, so with that in mind, we would like to dedicate this 'Man in Little Pants' sketch set in a brothel to the England football team.
Int. Man in little white pants sits on a chair in a brothel looking miserable and waiting for a prostitute. A Pimp walks in and starts talking to him.
Pimp: Hi there sir. Sorry for the wait. This is all a bit embarrassing and actually affects my reputation as one of the nastiest pimps around. But basically none of my girls, hos, sluts, whatever you want to call them, want to sleep with you. Yes, I know, it’s very embarrassing, especially for you and I. Not one of them wanted to do anything with you. And before you offer me more money, please don’t, there’s no amount of money that will convince them to sleep with you. And these girls are desperate, I’ve seen them do some really fucked up shit for very little money. I mean they have families to support and because they’re foreign they’ll do whatever you want.......for nothing! But, obviously they’re not desperate enough to sleep with you. Again I apologise, I threatened them a lot and that usually works. They just really didn’t want to sleep with you. It really put me out, usually they do anything I want, especially if I get the gun out and threaten their families, but this time it did not work. Just shows how badly they didn’t want to sleep with you and I don’t think any money or threats could change that. Anyway, sir, is it ok if you go now and don’t speak about this? I have a reputation to maintain within the prostitution and trafficking community. If I hear anything about this I will find you and fucking kill you. Thanks.
Man in little white pants gets up, turns around slowly and walks away.
Int. Man in little white pants sits on a chair in a brothel looking miserable and waiting for a prostitute. A Pimp walks in and starts talking to him.
Pimp: Hi there sir. Sorry for the wait. This is all a bit embarrassing and actually affects my reputation as one of the nastiest pimps around. But basically none of my girls, hos, sluts, whatever you want to call them, want to sleep with you. Yes, I know, it’s very embarrassing, especially for you and I. Not one of them wanted to do anything with you. And before you offer me more money, please don’t, there’s no amount of money that will convince them to sleep with you. And these girls are desperate, I’ve seen them do some really fucked up shit for very little money. I mean they have families to support and because they’re foreign they’ll do whatever you want.......for nothing! But, obviously they’re not desperate enough to sleep with you. Again I apologise, I threatened them a lot and that usually works. They just really didn’t want to sleep with you. It really put me out, usually they do anything I want, especially if I get the gun out and threaten their families, but this time it did not work. Just shows how badly they didn’t want to sleep with you and I don’t think any money or threats could change that. Anyway, sir, is it ok if you go now and don’t speak about this? I have a reputation to maintain within the prostitution and trafficking community. If I hear anything about this I will find you and fucking kill you. Thanks.
Man in little white pants gets up, turns around slowly and walks away.
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