Wig connoisseur Donald Trump is to be offered a job by The News of the World following false accusations directed towards President Barack Obama that he wasn't born in America.
The News of the World were said to be impressed at the way Mr Trump remained defiant and proud despite his claims being proved false and an utter load of shit.
The editor of the newspaper said, "We at the News of the World have faced a bit of a tough time recently after all that nasty phone hacking nonsense. Therefore, when our journalists make ridiculous accusations, we need to be sure they remain convinced that they're doing a great job and serving public interest rather than just wasting everyone's time."
Donald Trump is said to be cautious about the offer as he has more accusations to make about Barack Obama before he can consider moving on with his life.
Donald Trump said, "Barack Obama may have an American birth certificate, but we need to look further into this to prove it's not a fake. Other things Obama needs to prove include: whether he's a Muslim, socialist, transvestite, terrorist, if he actually went to College and, finally, if he hates white people."
News International has accepted Trump's stance and offered to hack the President's phone to find further things he could accuse Obama of being in his quest for truth and clarity.
Wednesday 27 April 2011
Monday 25 April 2011
The Art Critics: Sketch Two
Ext. Two men dressed in immaculate three piece suits are walking down a street. They approach a bin that is overflowing with rubbish, with a couple of full up bin bags resting beside the bin as well. One of them stops in his tracks with an awestruck look on his face. He holds his arm out to block the path of his companion.
Man 2: What is it?
Man 1: Look at this exquisite piece of work!
The previously unaware Man 2 now sees the bin as well. He is struck dumb with awe just like Man 1.
Man 2: My word, look at the - beauty –
Man 1: It’s a beacon of hope and purity in a social wasteland awash with mediocrity.
Man 2 groans with pleasure and kneels down to get a better angle.
Man 2: It’s all of that and so much more; it simultaneously encapsulates the tumult and chaos of Britain during the civil war years, but also the upheaval caused by all of the privatisation of public services in Great Britain in the 1980s. It’s a phenomenal work.
Man 1 groans orgasmically, and gets down on all fours, moving in close to the bin-bags beside the bin so he can sniff them. A man walks towards them from behind, just passing them by in the street. He notes their actions with bemusement.
Passer-by: It’s rubbish, mate.
Man 1 and Man 2 look at each and sigh with disappointment.
Man 1: Some people just don’t get art, do they?
Man 2 groans in agreement.
Man 2: What is it?
Man 1: Look at this exquisite piece of work!
The previously unaware Man 2 now sees the bin as well. He is struck dumb with awe just like Man 1.
Man 2: My word, look at the - beauty –
Man 1: It’s a beacon of hope and purity in a social wasteland awash with mediocrity.
Man 2 groans with pleasure and kneels down to get a better angle.
Man 2: It’s all of that and so much more; it simultaneously encapsulates the tumult and chaos of Britain during the civil war years, but also the upheaval caused by all of the privatisation of public services in Great Britain in the 1980s. It’s a phenomenal work.
Man 1 groans orgasmically, and gets down on all fours, moving in close to the bin-bags beside the bin so he can sniff them. A man walks towards them from behind, just passing them by in the street. He notes their actions with bemusement.
Passer-by: It’s rubbish, mate.
Man 1 and Man 2 look at each and sigh with disappointment.
Man 1: Some people just don’t get art, do they?
Man 2 groans in agreement.
Sunday 24 April 2011
Woman Files For Divorce Due To Lack Of Sunburn Sympathy
A woman from Kent has filed for divorce from her husband yesterday due to "constant negligence with regards to painful sunburn". The woman, who has remained nameless, claims that the negligence was displayed over the span of a decade of sun burnt summers, during which her husband refused to show her any sympathy for failing to learn her lesson.
The final straw came during a recent heatwave that had Britons stewing in their own juices. On one particular Saturday morning, the woman vacated her house clad in a dainty bikini and took up residence in her back garden where she proceeded to lay for the next six hours. Upon returning to the house and showering, the woman soon realised that 92% of her skin had been severely burnt by the sheer awesome force of the awesome sun.
After this painful discovery, the woman coated herself in a thick layer of after-sun lotion before spending the evening standing up in the living room watching television, unable, as she was, to sit or lay down. It was at this point that her husband returned home and, upon seeing his oily wife burnt to a crisp and standing in obvious pain, he started to laugh heartily to himself.
The woman promptly exploded with rage and demanded sympathy. There was none forthcoming, so she very slowly, and very awkwardly, packed up some belongings and stormed out of the house. Three days later she filed for divorce.
In his defence the woman's husband claimed that his wife continually refused to learn her lesson as she has suffered severe sunburn during nine of the last ten summers. The only reason it is not ten out of ten summers is because in the summer of 2007 it has been scientifically proven that the sun did not actually shine at all. The man reasoned that upon "seeing her burnt to a crisp once again, I just couldn't help but laugh at how someone can make the same mistake year in, year out, and then expect sympathy for it".
After a small fit of laughter the husband continued, saying; "it just seems so obvious to me; if one year you lay out in the sun and get horrifically burnt, then you won't do it again the next year because you remember how painful it was. But she just does it every single year, and everytime she does it she comes crying to me."
The case is expected to be settled within the month, with the husband retaining custody of the sun block, and his wife gaining custody of the after-sun lotion.
The final straw came during a recent heatwave that had Britons stewing in their own juices. On one particular Saturday morning, the woman vacated her house clad in a dainty bikini and took up residence in her back garden where she proceeded to lay for the next six hours. Upon returning to the house and showering, the woman soon realised that 92% of her skin had been severely burnt by the sheer awesome force of the awesome sun.
After this painful discovery, the woman coated herself in a thick layer of after-sun lotion before spending the evening standing up in the living room watching television, unable, as she was, to sit or lay down. It was at this point that her husband returned home and, upon seeing his oily wife burnt to a crisp and standing in obvious pain, he started to laugh heartily to himself.
The woman promptly exploded with rage and demanded sympathy. There was none forthcoming, so she very slowly, and very awkwardly, packed up some belongings and stormed out of the house. Three days later she filed for divorce.
In his defence the woman's husband claimed that his wife continually refused to learn her lesson as she has suffered severe sunburn during nine of the last ten summers. The only reason it is not ten out of ten summers is because in the summer of 2007 it has been scientifically proven that the sun did not actually shine at all. The man reasoned that upon "seeing her burnt to a crisp once again, I just couldn't help but laugh at how someone can make the same mistake year in, year out, and then expect sympathy for it".
After a small fit of laughter the husband continued, saying; "it just seems so obvious to me; if one year you lay out in the sun and get horrifically burnt, then you won't do it again the next year because you remember how painful it was. But she just does it every single year, and everytime she does it she comes crying to me."
The case is expected to be settled within the month, with the husband retaining custody of the sun block, and his wife gaining custody of the after-sun lotion.
What the Papers Say: Final Part
One of the UNEMPLOYED DRUNK MEN (UDM1) gets up from a table and starts confronting the papers.
UDM 1: Well maybe it's time you started doing something to change that.
THE SUN (confronting UDM1): Who
the hell are you, you drunken, jobless, chav, benefits scrounging piece of scum?
UDM 1 and UDM 2 start shouting abuse at THE SUN and DAILY MIRROR. DAILY MAIL and DAILY EXPRESS start shouting at the ASIAN MEN again while the NEWS OF THE WORLD hurls abuse at the older MAN. Before long everyone is shouting at everyone and a riot is on the cards.
Two POLICE OFFICERS then enter the pub from stage left and try to restore order.
POLICE OFFICER 1: Shut up, shut up! Everyone be quiet!
POLICE OFFICER 2: Don't make us use force!
The POLICE OFFICERS withdraw their truncheons, ready to strike.
POLICE OFFICER 1: Everybody calm down!
UDM 1 strikes POLICE OFFICER 2 with a snooker cue before trying to disappear into the crowd. But before he can, POLICE OFFICER 2 hits him with his truncheon. The UDM 1 falls to the ground and lies still in shock. Everyone stops arguing and stares at the POLICE OFFICERS.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Police brutality!
DAILY MAIL: That police officer attacked that defenceless man in an unprovoked attack! The police are rampant and must be stopped!
DAILY EXPRESS: Policemen take more lives than they save!
ASIAN MAN 2: Are you joking?
DAILY EXPRESS: Did you not see? That police officer used the law against a common man!
UDM 2: Yeah, but, he hit him with a snooker cue.
DAILY MAIL: Have you been paid off to turn on your friend? Are you the symbol of deep rooted police corruption?
UDM 2: No you moron, I saw him hit a police officer who was trying to restore the peace with a snooker cue. The police officer hit him back. What did he expect?
DAILY MAIL: The police have paid off the underclass dole scum in order to create an army of braindead law enforcers! Is nothing sacred anymore?!
The BARMAN rings the bell behind the bar, drawing everyone’s attention.
BARMAN: (talking to the papers) That's it, I've had enough of your rubbish! All of you, out!
THE SUN: You what mate?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: You can't kick us out, what about freedom of speech?
DAILY MAIL: Britain in the grip of an authoritarian nanny state! Freedom of speech is no longer a privilege! We must tow the line!
BARMAN: It's not about freedom of speech, it's about you lot spouting lies and falsehoods and pedalling it as the truth, when you know it's not. You hear little rumours and hearsay and then report it in huge letters as fact, and then when it's proved to be incorrect you write a tiny, insignificant apology and put it where no one can see it! You're shameless, heartless scumbags...now get out!
The papers are lightly jostled out on the left-hand side of the stage. When they are gone a momentary silence descends as everyone looks at each other. Slowly, but then rapidly, conversation returns, and a scene of relative normality begins to unfold.
UDM 1: Well maybe it's time you started doing something to change that.
THE SUN (confronting UDM1): Who
the hell are you, you drunken, jobless, chav, benefits scrounging piece of scum?
UDM 1 and UDM 2 start shouting abuse at THE SUN and DAILY MIRROR. DAILY MAIL and DAILY EXPRESS start shouting at the ASIAN MEN again while the NEWS OF THE WORLD hurls abuse at the older MAN. Before long everyone is shouting at everyone and a riot is on the cards.
Two POLICE OFFICERS then enter the pub from stage left and try to restore order.
POLICE OFFICER 1: Shut up, shut up! Everyone be quiet!
POLICE OFFICER 2: Don't make us use force!
The POLICE OFFICERS withdraw their truncheons, ready to strike.
POLICE OFFICER 1: Everybody calm down!
UDM 1 strikes POLICE OFFICER 2 with a snooker cue before trying to disappear into the crowd. But before he can, POLICE OFFICER 2 hits him with his truncheon. The UDM 1 falls to the ground and lies still in shock. Everyone stops arguing and stares at the POLICE OFFICERS.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Police brutality!
DAILY MAIL: That police officer attacked that defenceless man in an unprovoked attack! The police are rampant and must be stopped!
DAILY EXPRESS: Policemen take more lives than they save!
ASIAN MAN 2: Are you joking?
DAILY EXPRESS: Did you not see? That police officer used the law against a common man!
UDM 2: Yeah, but, he hit him with a snooker cue.
DAILY MAIL: Have you been paid off to turn on your friend? Are you the symbol of deep rooted police corruption?
UDM 2: No you moron, I saw him hit a police officer who was trying to restore the peace with a snooker cue. The police officer hit him back. What did he expect?
DAILY MAIL: The police have paid off the underclass dole scum in order to create an army of braindead law enforcers! Is nothing sacred anymore?!
The BARMAN rings the bell behind the bar, drawing everyone’s attention.
BARMAN: (talking to the papers) That's it, I've had enough of your rubbish! All of you, out!
THE SUN: You what mate?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: You can't kick us out, what about freedom of speech?
DAILY MAIL: Britain in the grip of an authoritarian nanny state! Freedom of speech is no longer a privilege! We must tow the line!
BARMAN: It's not about freedom of speech, it's about you lot spouting lies and falsehoods and pedalling it as the truth, when you know it's not. You hear little rumours and hearsay and then report it in huge letters as fact, and then when it's proved to be incorrect you write a tiny, insignificant apology and put it where no one can see it! You're shameless, heartless scumbags...now get out!
The papers are lightly jostled out on the left-hand side of the stage. When they are gone a momentary silence descends as everyone looks at each other. Slowly, but then rapidly, conversation returns, and a scene of relative normality begins to unfold.
Thursday 21 April 2011
What the Papers Say: Part 7
DAILY MAIL: Oh no, oh no, no, no, no, no.
THE SUN: What now?
DAILY MAIL: What's that on the table?
THE SUN turns and looks at the book on the table.
THE SUN: It's a book.
DAILY MAIL: Yes I know that, but what? Is that the Koran?
THE SUN turns and looks again.
THE SUN: It would seem so, yes mate.
DAILY MAIL: Oh God!
DAILY EXPRESS: We need to warn everyone!
THE SUN: Of what?
DAILY MAIL: They're going to start preaching hate. They're going to blow us sky high!
NEWS OF THE WORLD enters from stage right looking sheepish dressed up in a sheik's outfit.
DAILY MAIL (pointing at NEWS OF THE WORLD): Look there's another terrorist!
NEWS OF THE WORLD heads over to the table.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Ssssh, it's me, the News of the World! I'm going undercover to get a paedo tutor caught out! (Looks over at the ASIAN MEN) What's going on then?
DAILY EXPRESS: We're about to get blown up by those terrorists.
NEWS OF THE WORLD convulses in terror and hurls himself to
the floor -
NEWS OF THE WORLD: THEY'VE GOT A BOMB!!
Everyone on stage shouts and ducks for cover. After a few seconds of silence, people slowly show their faces again, looking around for an explanation. Eyes slowly drift towards the papers.
DAILY MAIL notices that the ASIAN MEN have also ducked for
cover.
DAILY MAIL, THE SUN, DAILY MIRROR and DAILY EXPRESS stand up as NEWS OF THE WORLD slowly appears from under a table. They all look at the two ASIAN MEN.
DAILY MAIL: (to the ASIAN MEN) Why did you duck?
ASIAN MAN 1: Because one of you said there was a bomb in here.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Yeah, loads of them strapped to your bodies!
The ASIAN MEN balk in disgust.
ASIAN MAN 2: What are you talking about?
DAILY EXPRESS: Well, you're Muslims aren't you?
ASIAN MAN 2: Yes. And?
DAILY EXPRESS: Well, don't you want to bring down our decadent western civilisation?
ASIAN MAN 1: No, we just want a quick drink and then go home to have dinner with our families.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Have you brainwashed your children in secret terrorist camps?
ASIAN MAN 2: You all need to watch what you're saying! Can you actually hear yourselves speak?
THE SUN: We can do whatever we want! Who do we have to answer to?
The older MAN steps away from the younger GIRL and stands behind the ASIAN MEN.
MAN: You can't just go around shouting made-up, libellous stories about people. You're ruining lives, you're destroying social bonds!
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Shut up you paedo!!
NEWS OF THE WORLD walks over to the older MAN with purpose.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: (Shouting) This man is a paedophile!
Everyone in the pub turns to look at the older MAN and the younger GIRL sat behind him at the table. The MAN sighs angrily with frustration.
MAN: We're in love - she's 18.
ASIAN MAN 1: (to the papers) So this man fell in love with an 18 year-old and now he's a paedophile?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: I have exclusive photos and first hand testimony that shows him exploiting his role as a tutor and inviting underage girls into his house...or should I say paedo lair.
MAN: What?! That's an absolute filthy lie! That's a complete fabrication!
ASIAN MAN 1: Is that true? Did you just make that up?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: It may not be 100 per cent true, but then when have we (gestures to the other papers) ever told the complete truth? It doesn't stop you all listening and believing us.
THE SUN: What now?
DAILY MAIL: What's that on the table?
THE SUN turns and looks at the book on the table.
THE SUN: It's a book.
DAILY MAIL: Yes I know that, but what? Is that the Koran?
THE SUN turns and looks again.
THE SUN: It would seem so, yes mate.
DAILY MAIL: Oh God!
DAILY EXPRESS: We need to warn everyone!
THE SUN: Of what?
DAILY MAIL: They're going to start preaching hate. They're going to blow us sky high!
NEWS OF THE WORLD enters from stage right looking sheepish dressed up in a sheik's outfit.
DAILY MAIL (pointing at NEWS OF THE WORLD): Look there's another terrorist!
NEWS OF THE WORLD heads over to the table.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Ssssh, it's me, the News of the World! I'm going undercover to get a paedo tutor caught out! (Looks over at the ASIAN MEN) What's going on then?
DAILY EXPRESS: We're about to get blown up by those terrorists.
NEWS OF THE WORLD convulses in terror and hurls himself to
the floor -
NEWS OF THE WORLD: THEY'VE GOT A BOMB!!
Everyone on stage shouts and ducks for cover. After a few seconds of silence, people slowly show their faces again, looking around for an explanation. Eyes slowly drift towards the papers.
DAILY MAIL notices that the ASIAN MEN have also ducked for
cover.
DAILY MAIL, THE SUN, DAILY MIRROR and DAILY EXPRESS stand up as NEWS OF THE WORLD slowly appears from under a table. They all look at the two ASIAN MEN.
DAILY MAIL: (to the ASIAN MEN) Why did you duck?
ASIAN MAN 1: Because one of you said there was a bomb in here.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Yeah, loads of them strapped to your bodies!
The ASIAN MEN balk in disgust.
ASIAN MAN 2: What are you talking about?
DAILY EXPRESS: Well, you're Muslims aren't you?
ASIAN MAN 2: Yes. And?
DAILY EXPRESS: Well, don't you want to bring down our decadent western civilisation?
ASIAN MAN 1: No, we just want a quick drink and then go home to have dinner with our families.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Have you brainwashed your children in secret terrorist camps?
ASIAN MAN 2: You all need to watch what you're saying! Can you actually hear yourselves speak?
THE SUN: We can do whatever we want! Who do we have to answer to?
The older MAN steps away from the younger GIRL and stands behind the ASIAN MEN.
MAN: You can't just go around shouting made-up, libellous stories about people. You're ruining lives, you're destroying social bonds!
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Shut up you paedo!!
NEWS OF THE WORLD walks over to the older MAN with purpose.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: (Shouting) This man is a paedophile!
Everyone in the pub turns to look at the older MAN and the younger GIRL sat behind him at the table. The MAN sighs angrily with frustration.
MAN: We're in love - she's 18.
ASIAN MAN 1: (to the papers) So this man fell in love with an 18 year-old and now he's a paedophile?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: I have exclusive photos and first hand testimony that shows him exploiting his role as a tutor and inviting underage girls into his house...or should I say paedo lair.
MAN: What?! That's an absolute filthy lie! That's a complete fabrication!
ASIAN MAN 1: Is that true? Did you just make that up?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: It may not be 100 per cent true, but then when have we (gestures to the other papers) ever told the complete truth? It doesn't stop you all listening and believing us.
Wednesday 20 April 2011
What the Papers Say: Part 6
THE GUARDIAN: Hello? Are you listening to me Daily Mirror?
DAILY MIRROR (starring at the WOMEN): Yeah, the Daily Mail is a Tory scumbag.
THE GUARDIAN: You weren't even listening.
DAILY MIRROR (still starring at the WOMEN): Yeah, I hate The Sun too.
THE GUARDIAN: You say you hate him (points at THE SUN, who's starring at the WOMEN) but you're exactly alike. You're like identical twins who hate each other!
DAILY MIRROR (turns around to face THE GUARDIAN): Whoa! No we're not! Give me at least five reasons.
THE GUARDIAN: You both claim to be the voice of the average British person, you both look to spread idle gossip and rumour as fact, you love to talk about any celebrity no matter how insignificant they may be, you both talk about football constantly and you're both filthy perverts.
DAILY MIRROR: Rubbish!
THE GUARDIAN: You know it's the truth!
DAILY MIRROR (dismissive): Whatever.
DAILY MIRROR turns back to stare the attractive WOMEN. NEWS OF THE WORLD hangs up his phone on the right hand side of stage and walks towards THE SUN.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Right, I better head off now. Got an important lead about a former Big Brother winner.
THE SUN: Which one? Is it Brian?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Now that would be telling (slaps THE SUN on the face playfully). I'll see you later mate (gives THE SUN a macho handshake and hug). Keep an eye on him over there (points at the older MAN). I think he might be a paedo.
NEWS OF THE WORLD exits stage left. DAILY MIRROR and THE SUN walk back to the table and sit down.
Two ASIAN MEN enter from stage right and head towards the bar to order some drinks. DAILY MAIL and DAILY EXPRESS instantly eye them suspiciously.
DAILY MAIL: I don't want to alarm you all, but you might want to edge slowly to the exits.
THE SUN: What are you on about?
DAILY MAIL: I think those people who just walked in are terrorists. They're probably covered head to toe in explosives. Don't argue, just leave without raising suspicion.
THE SUN: (looking at the ASIAN MEN) I think one of those is Mr. Malik, he looks after my mum at the old folks home.
DAILY EXPRESS: Typical.
THE SUN: What's typical about that?
DAILY EXPRESS: More jobs for the common British man out the window.
THE SUN: I dunno, he does a great job. He's a lovely man.
DAILY MAIL: That's going to be irrelevant soon when he blows the place up! That's if MRSA doesn't kill them all first.
THE GUARDIAN: I can't listen to this. Anyone else coming?
THE TIMES nods in agreement. THE GUARDIAN and THE TIMES get up and exit stage left.
DAILY MAIL: You see, even The Guardian and The Times are worried about the terrorists!
DAILY EXPRESS: Is where Mr. Mallik works an NHS run establishment then?
THE SUN: No, it's private.
DAILY EXPRESS: Oh well that's fine, there won't be excrement smeared all over the walls then.
DAILY MAIL: I think our main concern right now should be those terrorists. Should we call the police?
THE SUN: How do you know they are terrorists? I don't want to create a storm over nothing.
DAILY EXPRESS: Seriously? You?!
THE SUN: I only deal in truth and facts.
DAILY EXPRESS: All you ever do is shout senseless nonsense at the top of your voice based on rumours you've heard.
THE SUN: I'm the interpreter of interpretations!
The two ASIAN MEN have got their drinks and take a seat at a table near to the papers to the right of the stage. One of them gets out a large leather bound book and places it on the table.
DAILY MIRROR (starring at the WOMEN): Yeah, the Daily Mail is a Tory scumbag.
THE GUARDIAN: You weren't even listening.
DAILY MIRROR (still starring at the WOMEN): Yeah, I hate The Sun too.
THE GUARDIAN: You say you hate him (points at THE SUN, who's starring at the WOMEN) but you're exactly alike. You're like identical twins who hate each other!
DAILY MIRROR (turns around to face THE GUARDIAN): Whoa! No we're not! Give me at least five reasons.
THE GUARDIAN: You both claim to be the voice of the average British person, you both look to spread idle gossip and rumour as fact, you love to talk about any celebrity no matter how insignificant they may be, you both talk about football constantly and you're both filthy perverts.
DAILY MIRROR: Rubbish!
THE GUARDIAN: You know it's the truth!
DAILY MIRROR (dismissive): Whatever.
DAILY MIRROR turns back to stare the attractive WOMEN. NEWS OF THE WORLD hangs up his phone on the right hand side of stage and walks towards THE SUN.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Right, I better head off now. Got an important lead about a former Big Brother winner.
THE SUN: Which one? Is it Brian?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Now that would be telling (slaps THE SUN on the face playfully). I'll see you later mate (gives THE SUN a macho handshake and hug). Keep an eye on him over there (points at the older MAN). I think he might be a paedo.
NEWS OF THE WORLD exits stage left. DAILY MIRROR and THE SUN walk back to the table and sit down.
Two ASIAN MEN enter from stage right and head towards the bar to order some drinks. DAILY MAIL and DAILY EXPRESS instantly eye them suspiciously.
DAILY MAIL: I don't want to alarm you all, but you might want to edge slowly to the exits.
THE SUN: What are you on about?
DAILY MAIL: I think those people who just walked in are terrorists. They're probably covered head to toe in explosives. Don't argue, just leave without raising suspicion.
THE SUN: (looking at the ASIAN MEN) I think one of those is Mr. Malik, he looks after my mum at the old folks home.
DAILY EXPRESS: Typical.
THE SUN: What's typical about that?
DAILY EXPRESS: More jobs for the common British man out the window.
THE SUN: I dunno, he does a great job. He's a lovely man.
DAILY MAIL: That's going to be irrelevant soon when he blows the place up! That's if MRSA doesn't kill them all first.
THE GUARDIAN: I can't listen to this. Anyone else coming?
THE TIMES nods in agreement. THE GUARDIAN and THE TIMES get up and exit stage left.
DAILY MAIL: You see, even The Guardian and The Times are worried about the terrorists!
DAILY EXPRESS: Is where Mr. Mallik works an NHS run establishment then?
THE SUN: No, it's private.
DAILY EXPRESS: Oh well that's fine, there won't be excrement smeared all over the walls then.
DAILY MAIL: I think our main concern right now should be those terrorists. Should we call the police?
THE SUN: How do you know they are terrorists? I don't want to create a storm over nothing.
DAILY EXPRESS: Seriously? You?!
THE SUN: I only deal in truth and facts.
DAILY EXPRESS: All you ever do is shout senseless nonsense at the top of your voice based on rumours you've heard.
THE SUN: I'm the interpreter of interpretations!
The two ASIAN MEN have got their drinks and take a seat at a table near to the papers to the right of the stage. One of them gets out a large leather bound book and places it on the table.
Monday 18 April 2011
What the Papers Say: Part 5
THE NEWS OF THE WORLD walks off into the background, talking
on his phone. The older MAN and the 18 year old GIRL sit
down on a table at the back.
THE SUN walks over to the two attractive WOMEN sitting at the
table on the right.
THE SUN (to the WOMEN): Can I take a picture of you ladies? (Pauses) For a competition I'm running to find the hottest real life honey.
WOMAN 1: Ok, sure.
THE SUN gleefully withdraws his camera phone and gets ready to start taking photos.
THE SUN: Right ladies, if you just stand up for me. You both look great, really sexy (the girls stand up, THE SUN takes pictures). Show how excited you are (takes more pictures). Gorgeous, gorgeous (takes more pictures).
DAILY STAR walks onto stage from the right with a camera and starts gets down on the floor, taking photographs up the skirts of the attractive WOMEN.
DAILY STAR (taking pictures): Upskirt! Wear some underwear you slags!
The attractive WOMEN start screaming. They run away to the right of the stage.
THE SUN: What are you doing Daily Star?! You're ruining my pictures!
DAILY STAR: I'm taking some upskirt shots. I'm proving that teenagers are just promiscuous whores writhing around in one naked ball of skin and juices. This will show why teenage pregnancy rates have rocketed so much! It’s called investigative journalism.
THE SUN: By getting on the floor and taking photos up girls' skirts?
DAILY STAR: It's just modern journalism, mate.
THE SUN: Well, they've all run away now. How am I supposed to judge their bodies now?
DAILY STAR: They bloody loved it! Slags!
THE SUN: Go away!
DAILY STAR walks off stage to the left, walking past the
table at the front of the stage on the way. As he passes he
takes a picture of THE GUARDIAN's breasts.
DAILY STAR (to THE GUARDIAN): Just seen your nipples! Wear a bra you slag!
DAILY STAR exits stage left.
THE GUARDIAN stands up and walks towards The Sun on the right.
THE GUARDIAN (to THE SUN): Did you put him up to this?
THE SUN: Of course not. I was trying to take pictures of the fit women, I don’t know what he wanted with you.
THE SUN sits down at the table and is followed by THE GUARDIAN.
DAILY MAIL: I still can't believe that girl went to private school. It used to be such a proud institution!
DAILY EXPRESS: So many non-native Brits are going to private school now. How can they afford it?
DAILY MAIL: Probably given grants by the government, taking the places of the white middle-class children.
DAILY MIRROR: Good, private schools need a greater ethnic population. Diversity enhances all areas of society.
DAILY MAIL: The ethnics get so many perks in today's Britain, though. The white middle-class are the forgotten people. It’s a blatant injustice!
THE GUARDIAN: Really? Have you been to rural Britain recently?
DAILY MAIL: No, because the once great British rural landscape is now dominated by useless eyesores, otherwise known as wind turbines.
DAILY EXPRESS: Living close to wind turbines give you cancer.
THE GUARDIAN: Are you aware of change?
DAILY MAIL: The biggest myth around!
THE GUARDIAN: A myth?
DAILY MAIL: Yes, a myth thought up by socialists like you to get us on this hippy bandwagon against traditional fuel sources.
THE GUARDIAN: Not only are traditional fuel sources destroying planet earth but they are also running out rapidly. Something needs to be done before we’re all fu-
Daily Express: Muslims!
THE GUARDIAN and DAILY MAIL face DAILY EXPRESS.
THE GUARDIAN: Sorry?
DAILY EXPRESS: It's their fault, they have all the oil.
DAILY MAIL: Exactly. Too much power in the wrong hands.
THE GUARDIAN: This is ridiculous. (Turns to the DAILY MIRROR) Are you listening to this?
DAILY MIRROR and THE SUN are both standing up starring at the attractive WOMEN to the right of the stage.
on his phone. The older MAN and the 18 year old GIRL sit
down on a table at the back.
THE SUN walks over to the two attractive WOMEN sitting at the
table on the right.
THE SUN (to the WOMEN): Can I take a picture of you ladies? (Pauses) For a competition I'm running to find the hottest real life honey.
WOMAN 1: Ok, sure.
THE SUN gleefully withdraws his camera phone and gets ready to start taking photos.
THE SUN: Right ladies, if you just stand up for me. You both look great, really sexy (the girls stand up, THE SUN takes pictures). Show how excited you are (takes more pictures). Gorgeous, gorgeous (takes more pictures).
DAILY STAR walks onto stage from the right with a camera and starts gets down on the floor, taking photographs up the skirts of the attractive WOMEN.
DAILY STAR (taking pictures): Upskirt! Wear some underwear you slags!
The attractive WOMEN start screaming. They run away to the right of the stage.
THE SUN: What are you doing Daily Star?! You're ruining my pictures!
DAILY STAR: I'm taking some upskirt shots. I'm proving that teenagers are just promiscuous whores writhing around in one naked ball of skin and juices. This will show why teenage pregnancy rates have rocketed so much! It’s called investigative journalism.
THE SUN: By getting on the floor and taking photos up girls' skirts?
DAILY STAR: It's just modern journalism, mate.
THE SUN: Well, they've all run away now. How am I supposed to judge their bodies now?
DAILY STAR: They bloody loved it! Slags!
THE SUN: Go away!
DAILY STAR walks off stage to the left, walking past the
table at the front of the stage on the way. As he passes he
takes a picture of THE GUARDIAN's breasts.
DAILY STAR (to THE GUARDIAN): Just seen your nipples! Wear a bra you slag!
DAILY STAR exits stage left.
THE GUARDIAN stands up and walks towards The Sun on the right.
THE GUARDIAN (to THE SUN): Did you put him up to this?
THE SUN: Of course not. I was trying to take pictures of the fit women, I don’t know what he wanted with you.
THE SUN sits down at the table and is followed by THE GUARDIAN.
DAILY MAIL: I still can't believe that girl went to private school. It used to be such a proud institution!
DAILY EXPRESS: So many non-native Brits are going to private school now. How can they afford it?
DAILY MAIL: Probably given grants by the government, taking the places of the white middle-class children.
DAILY MIRROR: Good, private schools need a greater ethnic population. Diversity enhances all areas of society.
DAILY MAIL: The ethnics get so many perks in today's Britain, though. The white middle-class are the forgotten people. It’s a blatant injustice!
THE GUARDIAN: Really? Have you been to rural Britain recently?
DAILY MAIL: No, because the once great British rural landscape is now dominated by useless eyesores, otherwise known as wind turbines.
DAILY EXPRESS: Living close to wind turbines give you cancer.
THE GUARDIAN: Are you aware of change?
DAILY MAIL: The biggest myth around!
THE GUARDIAN: A myth?
DAILY MAIL: Yes, a myth thought up by socialists like you to get us on this hippy bandwagon against traditional fuel sources.
THE GUARDIAN: Not only are traditional fuel sources destroying planet earth but they are also running out rapidly. Something needs to be done before we’re all fu-
Daily Express: Muslims!
THE GUARDIAN and DAILY MAIL face DAILY EXPRESS.
THE GUARDIAN: Sorry?
DAILY EXPRESS: It's their fault, they have all the oil.
DAILY MAIL: Exactly. Too much power in the wrong hands.
THE GUARDIAN: This is ridiculous. (Turns to the DAILY MIRROR) Are you listening to this?
DAILY MIRROR and THE SUN are both standing up starring at the attractive WOMEN to the right of the stage.
Thursday 14 April 2011
What the Papers Say: Part 4
THE NEWS OF THE WORLD walks onto stage from the left.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Alright benders?
NEWS OF THE WORLD moves towards the table at the front of the stage.
DAILY MAIL (To everyone gathered around the table): Who invited him?
THE SUN stands up to embrace NEWS OF THE WORLD.
THE SUN: News of the World, how you doing mate?
THE SUN and NEWS OF THE WORLD embrace with a macho handshake and hug in front of the table. The other papers talk among themselves in the background.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Not bad bruv, not bad. Just been undercover.
THE SUN: Any dirt?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Not today, but the other day I went undercover disguised as a sheik and you'll never guess who's a paedo.
THE SUN: Who?
NEWS OF THE WORLD whispers into THE SUN's ears.
THE SUN: No way?!
NEWS OF THE WORLD nods.
THE SUN: I have to tell people this.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: You can't.
THE SUN: Why not?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: News of the World exclusive. Been holding this back for a week.
THE GUARDIAN: What's this about an exclusive?
NEWS OF THE WORLD turns around and walks towards THE GUARDIAN
at the table.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Never you mind. It's got nothing to do with baby seals getting clubbed - you wouldn't be interested.
THE GUARDIAN: Why do you have to be so crass?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Me? Crass? I heard you're having it away with a footballer.
THE GUARDIAN (blushing): That is a ridiculous accusation. Where did you hear that from?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: I have my sources.
THE GUARDIAN: Have you been hacking my phone again?
NEWS OF THE WORLD ignores the question, looking at the
ground.
DAILY MAIL: Was it a black footballer?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: My lips are sealed until Sunday.
An 18 year-old GIRL and older MAN walk into the pub. The NEWS OF THE WORLD, THE SUN, DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR and DAILY EXPRESS turn around.
DAILY MAIL: What's this all about?
DAILY MIRROR: Looks like father and daughter.
The 18-year old GIRL and older MAN start kissing.
THE SUN: Wahey! Get in there my son!
DAILY MAIL: Disgusting! I can't imagine what the age difference is!
DAILY MAIL, NEWS OF THE WORLD and THE SUN look the 18 year-old GIRL up and down.
DAILY MAIL and NEWS OF THE WORLD walk over to the 18 year-old GIRL and older MAN on the right hand side of the stage.
DAILY MAIL (to the older MAN): I think this is disgusting! (To the 18 year-old GIRL) What's your background? State school student I presume?
GIRL: No I've just finished sixth form at St. Edmunds.
DAILY MAIL: St. Edmunds?
GIRL: Yes.
DAILY MAIL: But that's a private school? How could such a silly little girl go to a private school?! You're so common. What is Britain coming to! What has happened to our class system?!
DAILY MAIL walks away back to the table shaking his head.
NEWS OF THE WORLD (to the older MAN): How do you know this girl mate?
MAN: I was her tutor, but we both soon realised that we are in love.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Are you a paedo?
MAN: What?! Of course not; and she's 18 years old, anyway! Not that it’s any of your business.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Do you have any proof?
MAN: Well she has ID if that's what you mean. But I really think you should respect our privacy and stop sticking your nose in where it doesn’t belong. Now please, leave
us alone.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Have you slept with any other girls you've tutored? Is that what you do? Build their trust and then plough their nice, firm arses?
MAN: Of course not! This is incredibly insulting behaviour, who do you think you are? If you really must know this young lady is the first, and will be the last, student I ever love.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Sounds like misconduct to me, mate.
MAN: But I love her!
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Just be careful, mate. One false move and I will take you down. I will let everybody in this town know you're a paedo and that you've been having it away with schoolgirls for years.
The older MAN looks at the NEWS OF THE WORLD in nervous
trepidation. The NEWS OF THE WORLD's phone starts ringing.
NEWS OF THE WORLD (to the older MAN): I've got to take this, but I'm not finished with you. (Answering his phone) Yes mate -
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Alright benders?
NEWS OF THE WORLD moves towards the table at the front of the stage.
DAILY MAIL (To everyone gathered around the table): Who invited him?
THE SUN stands up to embrace NEWS OF THE WORLD.
THE SUN: News of the World, how you doing mate?
THE SUN and NEWS OF THE WORLD embrace with a macho handshake and hug in front of the table. The other papers talk among themselves in the background.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Not bad bruv, not bad. Just been undercover.
THE SUN: Any dirt?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Not today, but the other day I went undercover disguised as a sheik and you'll never guess who's a paedo.
THE SUN: Who?
NEWS OF THE WORLD whispers into THE SUN's ears.
THE SUN: No way?!
NEWS OF THE WORLD nods.
THE SUN: I have to tell people this.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: You can't.
THE SUN: Why not?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: News of the World exclusive. Been holding this back for a week.
THE GUARDIAN: What's this about an exclusive?
NEWS OF THE WORLD turns around and walks towards THE GUARDIAN
at the table.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Never you mind. It's got nothing to do with baby seals getting clubbed - you wouldn't be interested.
THE GUARDIAN: Why do you have to be so crass?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Me? Crass? I heard you're having it away with a footballer.
THE GUARDIAN (blushing): That is a ridiculous accusation. Where did you hear that from?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: I have my sources.
THE GUARDIAN: Have you been hacking my phone again?
NEWS OF THE WORLD ignores the question, looking at the
ground.
DAILY MAIL: Was it a black footballer?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: My lips are sealed until Sunday.
An 18 year-old GIRL and older MAN walk into the pub. The NEWS OF THE WORLD, THE SUN, DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR and DAILY EXPRESS turn around.
DAILY MAIL: What's this all about?
DAILY MIRROR: Looks like father and daughter.
The 18-year old GIRL and older MAN start kissing.
THE SUN: Wahey! Get in there my son!
DAILY MAIL: Disgusting! I can't imagine what the age difference is!
DAILY MAIL, NEWS OF THE WORLD and THE SUN look the 18 year-old GIRL up and down.
DAILY MAIL and NEWS OF THE WORLD walk over to the 18 year-old GIRL and older MAN on the right hand side of the stage.
DAILY MAIL (to the older MAN): I think this is disgusting! (To the 18 year-old GIRL) What's your background? State school student I presume?
GIRL: No I've just finished sixth form at St. Edmunds.
DAILY MAIL: St. Edmunds?
GIRL: Yes.
DAILY MAIL: But that's a private school? How could such a silly little girl go to a private school?! You're so common. What is Britain coming to! What has happened to our class system?!
DAILY MAIL walks away back to the table shaking his head.
NEWS OF THE WORLD (to the older MAN): How do you know this girl mate?
MAN: I was her tutor, but we both soon realised that we are in love.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Are you a paedo?
MAN: What?! Of course not; and she's 18 years old, anyway! Not that it’s any of your business.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Do you have any proof?
MAN: Well she has ID if that's what you mean. But I really think you should respect our privacy and stop sticking your nose in where it doesn’t belong. Now please, leave
us alone.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Have you slept with any other girls you've tutored? Is that what you do? Build their trust and then plough their nice, firm arses?
MAN: Of course not! This is incredibly insulting behaviour, who do you think you are? If you really must know this young lady is the first, and will be the last, student I ever love.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Sounds like misconduct to me, mate.
MAN: But I love her!
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Just be careful, mate. One false move and I will take you down. I will let everybody in this town know you're a paedo and that you've been having it away with schoolgirls for years.
The older MAN looks at the NEWS OF THE WORLD in nervous
trepidation. The NEWS OF THE WORLD's phone starts ringing.
NEWS OF THE WORLD (to the older MAN): I've got to take this, but I'm not finished with you. (Answering his phone) Yes mate -
Wednesday 13 April 2011
What the Papers Say: Part 3
THE SUN: I'm the voice of the people because I give true British families the chance to have a British holiday for nine pound fifty.
DAILY MIRROR: Wasn't it only a fiver?
THE SUN: Inflation, mate.
THE GUARDIAN: Yeah, but aren't the holidays at Butlins?
THE SUN: Still a holiday.
DAILY MIRROR: What else do you give away?
THE SUN: 2 for 1 at Alton Towers. What have you done lately? (To DAILY MIRROR)
DAILY MIRROR (looking at the ground sheepishly): Free pasty at Greggs.
THE SUN starts laughing.
DAILY MIRROR (interrupting the laughter): And...free football stickers.
THE SUN: You mug. You haven't got a clue what the people want.
DAILY MAIL: I've given out DVDs.
THE SUN: Yeah but they're all films no-one understands - it's not the same as a Michael Bay classic. You've substituted explosions for dialogue - massive mistake!
THE GUARDIAN sighs and sits down by the table. THE SUN follows her. DAILY MAIL, DAILY EXPRESS and DAILY MIRROR also sit at the table.
THE SUN: (To THE GUARDIAN) Why are
you so frigid?
THE GUARDIAN: I'm not. Just because I'm a woman with strong opinions does not make me frigid.
THE SUN: If you're not frigid then why don't you show a bit of leg. No-one will be interested in you unless you show a bit of skin.
THE GUARDIAN: The Independent wants me.
DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR and THE SUN laugh.
DAILY MAIL: No-one cares about The Independent.
THE INDEPENDENT walks onto stage from the left.
THE INDEPENDENT: Hi guys!
Everyone ignores THE INDEPENDENT, refusing to turn around and acknowledge him. THE INDEPENDENT goes to the table where DAILY EXPRESS, DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR, THE GUARDIAN, THE SUN and THE TIMES are sitting.
THE INDEPENDENT (walking up to each person): Hellooooooooo! Can anyone hear me?
THE SUN: No-one cares what you have to say Independent.
THE INDEPENDENT: The Guardian does, don't you? (Walks up to THE GUARDIAN)
THE GUARDIAN looks away staying silent.
THE INDEPENDENT: I thought you'd care.
THE GUARDIAN: I'm sorry, but I don't.
THE INDEPENDENT: I thought we shared the same values. I thought we could be something special together.
THE SUN: Nobody cares Independent.
THE INDEPENDENT (looks around before looking at THE GUARDIAN):You don't care. No-one cares.
THE INDEPENDENT walks away off the stage slowly to the left.
DAILY EXPRESS: You know pubs give you cancer, don’t you?
THE SUN: No they don't. The pub is a great British institution.
DAILY MAIL: I tell you what does give you cancer.....
THE GUARDIAN: Oh will you shut up about things that give you cancer. It's all we hear about. You're turning us into hysterical hypochondriacs!
DAILY MAIL: Cancer is a serious threat to people's health and anything that could potentially cause this terrible illness should be discussed at length. It helps people.
DAILY EXPRESS: You're certainly not going to get any help from the NHS.
DAILY MAIL: Exactly. Do you know how many people died or got seriously ill because of the NHS?
THE GUARDIAN: Go on tell me. Tell me the exact figures.
DAILY MAIL: Well - I don't have the exact figures, but it's definitely a lot.
THE GUARDIAN sighs.
DAILY MAIL: I'm sorry but the NHS is not equipped to deal with all these threats to our health. They don't know what they're doing.
DAILY EXPRESS: All of the doctors are immigrants anyway.
DAILY MIRROR: Wasn't it only a fiver?
THE SUN: Inflation, mate.
THE GUARDIAN: Yeah, but aren't the holidays at Butlins?
THE SUN: Still a holiday.
DAILY MIRROR: What else do you give away?
THE SUN: 2 for 1 at Alton Towers. What have you done lately? (To DAILY MIRROR)
DAILY MIRROR (looking at the ground sheepishly): Free pasty at Greggs.
THE SUN starts laughing.
DAILY MIRROR (interrupting the laughter): And...free football stickers.
THE SUN: You mug. You haven't got a clue what the people want.
DAILY MAIL: I've given out DVDs.
THE SUN: Yeah but they're all films no-one understands - it's not the same as a Michael Bay classic. You've substituted explosions for dialogue - massive mistake!
THE GUARDIAN sighs and sits down by the table. THE SUN follows her. DAILY MAIL, DAILY EXPRESS and DAILY MIRROR also sit at the table.
THE SUN: (To THE GUARDIAN) Why are
you so frigid?
THE GUARDIAN: I'm not. Just because I'm a woman with strong opinions does not make me frigid.
THE SUN: If you're not frigid then why don't you show a bit of leg. No-one will be interested in you unless you show a bit of skin.
THE GUARDIAN: The Independent wants me.
DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR and THE SUN laugh.
DAILY MAIL: No-one cares about The Independent.
THE INDEPENDENT walks onto stage from the left.
THE INDEPENDENT: Hi guys!
Everyone ignores THE INDEPENDENT, refusing to turn around and acknowledge him. THE INDEPENDENT goes to the table where DAILY EXPRESS, DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR, THE GUARDIAN, THE SUN and THE TIMES are sitting.
THE INDEPENDENT (walking up to each person): Hellooooooooo! Can anyone hear me?
THE SUN: No-one cares what you have to say Independent.
THE INDEPENDENT: The Guardian does, don't you? (Walks up to THE GUARDIAN)
THE GUARDIAN looks away staying silent.
THE INDEPENDENT: I thought you'd care.
THE GUARDIAN: I'm sorry, but I don't.
THE INDEPENDENT: I thought we shared the same values. I thought we could be something special together.
THE SUN: Nobody cares Independent.
THE INDEPENDENT (looks around before looking at THE GUARDIAN):You don't care. No-one cares.
THE INDEPENDENT walks away off the stage slowly to the left.
DAILY EXPRESS: You know pubs give you cancer, don’t you?
THE SUN: No they don't. The pub is a great British institution.
DAILY MAIL: I tell you what does give you cancer.....
THE GUARDIAN: Oh will you shut up about things that give you cancer. It's all we hear about. You're turning us into hysterical hypochondriacs!
DAILY MAIL: Cancer is a serious threat to people's health and anything that could potentially cause this terrible illness should be discussed at length. It helps people.
DAILY EXPRESS: You're certainly not going to get any help from the NHS.
DAILY MAIL: Exactly. Do you know how many people died or got seriously ill because of the NHS?
THE GUARDIAN: Go on tell me. Tell me the exact figures.
DAILY MAIL: Well - I don't have the exact figures, but it's definitely a lot.
THE GUARDIAN sighs.
DAILY MAIL: I'm sorry but the NHS is not equipped to deal with all these threats to our health. They don't know what they're doing.
DAILY EXPRESS: All of the doctors are immigrants anyway.
Monday 11 April 2011
What the Papers Say: Part 2
Part 2 of "What the Papers Say."
THE SUN (turning around and standing up from his seat): Shut it Daily Mirror! No one cares aboutyou anymore!
DAILY MIRROR moves to the front of the stage to confront THE SUN, both are standing up.
DAILY MIRROR: Of course they do, I'm the true voice of the people - the working class. The backbone of Britain!
THE SUN: What are you on about you mug? I'm more working class than you. I have true blue collar values.
DAILY MIRROR: Blue is definitely the word. Didn't you vote for Cameron?
THE SUN (defensive): He's alright for a posh boy.
DAILY MIRROR: You vote for the Tory scum and call yourself working class. You're 'avin' a laugh fella.
DAILY MAIL: (To DAILY MIRROR) Go away you silly socialist. For the past 13 years this country has been dragged into the gutter by an inefficient Labour government that has forgotten Britain's core values.
THE GUARDIAN: What are they? Hating immigrants and being racist, I presume?
DAILY MAIL: Oh, go and build a windfarm.
THE GUARDIAN: I would but all of your friends keep on stopping me.
DAILY MAIL: They're a blot on the landscape, that’s why no one wants them.
THE GUARDIAN and DAILY MAIL stand up to join THE SUN and
DAILY MIRROR. All four argue incoherently until the DAILY
EXPRESS walks onto stage from the left.
DAILY EXPRESS (shouting): DIANA? Oh Princess Diana!
All four turn around and look at the DAILY EXPRESS who's walking around confused in the background.
THE SUN: What is he going on about now?
DAILY MAIL: Princess Diana. He's still questioning her death.
THE GUARDIAN: Why can't he get over it?
DAILY EXPRESS walks up to DAILY MAIL.
DAILY MAIL (talking slowly and slightly louder): Are you ok?
DAILY EXPRESS: Diana is dead.
DAILY MAIL: Yes, yes, she is. It was a terrible tragedy.
DAILY EXPRESS: But she was so young, so innocent, so pure.
DAILY MAIL: She did sleep with a Muslim though.
DAILY EXPRESS (sudden anger): Muslims - there's so many!
THE GUARDIAN shakes her head and sighs.
DAILY MAIL: Yes I know.
DAILY MAIL pats DAILY EXPRESS on the back in a comforting manner.
THE GUARDIAN: Don't humour him with racism. You’re both disgusting!
DAILY MAIL: I'm not humouring him, I agree with him.
THE GUARDIAN: You can't be serious.
DAILY MAIL: I'm deadly serious. Immigration is out of control. It's a disgrace!
DAILY EXPRESS: It's a disgrace!
THE GUARDIAN: I can't believe I'm listening to this.
THE SUN: Well you better believe it love. We're making Britain great again. (Starts singing) RULE BRITTANIA! BRITTANIA RULES THE WAVES!
DAILY MIRROR: So you start singing a patriotic song about slaves and that makes you the voice of the people?
THE SUN (turning around and standing up from his seat): Shut it Daily Mirror! No one cares aboutyou anymore!
DAILY MIRROR moves to the front of the stage to confront THE SUN, both are standing up.
DAILY MIRROR: Of course they do, I'm the true voice of the people - the working class. The backbone of Britain!
THE SUN: What are you on about you mug? I'm more working class than you. I have true blue collar values.
DAILY MIRROR: Blue is definitely the word. Didn't you vote for Cameron?
THE SUN (defensive): He's alright for a posh boy.
DAILY MIRROR: You vote for the Tory scum and call yourself working class. You're 'avin' a laugh fella.
DAILY MAIL: (To DAILY MIRROR) Go away you silly socialist. For the past 13 years this country has been dragged into the gutter by an inefficient Labour government that has forgotten Britain's core values.
THE GUARDIAN: What are they? Hating immigrants and being racist, I presume?
DAILY MAIL: Oh, go and build a windfarm.
THE GUARDIAN: I would but all of your friends keep on stopping me.
DAILY MAIL: They're a blot on the landscape, that’s why no one wants them.
THE GUARDIAN and DAILY MAIL stand up to join THE SUN and
DAILY MIRROR. All four argue incoherently until the DAILY
EXPRESS walks onto stage from the left.
DAILY EXPRESS (shouting): DIANA? Oh Princess Diana!
All four turn around and look at the DAILY EXPRESS who's walking around confused in the background.
THE SUN: What is he going on about now?
DAILY MAIL: Princess Diana. He's still questioning her death.
THE GUARDIAN: Why can't he get over it?
DAILY EXPRESS walks up to DAILY MAIL.
DAILY MAIL (talking slowly and slightly louder): Are you ok?
DAILY EXPRESS: Diana is dead.
DAILY MAIL: Yes, yes, she is. It was a terrible tragedy.
DAILY EXPRESS: But she was so young, so innocent, so pure.
DAILY MAIL: She did sleep with a Muslim though.
DAILY EXPRESS (sudden anger): Muslims - there's so many!
THE GUARDIAN shakes her head and sighs.
DAILY MAIL: Yes I know.
DAILY MAIL pats DAILY EXPRESS on the back in a comforting manner.
THE GUARDIAN: Don't humour him with racism. You’re both disgusting!
DAILY MAIL: I'm not humouring him, I agree with him.
THE GUARDIAN: You can't be serious.
DAILY MAIL: I'm deadly serious. Immigration is out of control. It's a disgrace!
DAILY EXPRESS: It's a disgrace!
THE GUARDIAN: I can't believe I'm listening to this.
THE SUN: Well you better believe it love. We're making Britain great again. (Starts singing) RULE BRITTANIA! BRITTANIA RULES THE WAVES!
DAILY MIRROR: So you start singing a patriotic song about slaves and that makes you the voice of the people?
Sunday 10 April 2011
What the Papers Say: Part 1
Here we have part 1 of a 15 minute play we put together for a sitcom competition. It didn't make the shortlist, so here it is on the website.
It follows characters in a pub that are the personifications of the national newspapers. Interested? No, well read on anyway.
INT. A PUB. THE LIGHTS COME ON. THREE MEN (THE SUN, DAILY MAIL, THE TIMES) ARE SITTING AT A TABLE WHICH IS OFF TO THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE STAGE. TWO UNEMPLOYED DRUNK PATRONS ARE SAT ON A TABLE TO THE RIGHT OF THE STAGE, NEXT TO THE BAR
ITSELF.
TWO ATTRACTIVE LADIES ENTER FROM STAGE LEFT.
THE SUN (shouting at two ladies): Oi Oi saveloy! (To DAILY MAIL) Look at the tits on those beauties!
DAILY MAIL (turns to face THE SUN, embarrassed): Do you have to be so crude?
THE SUN: I'm just appreciating her figure. She’s a beautiful woman who needs to be told by men how great her body looks. Are you bent or something?
The two ATTRACTIVE LADIES sit on a table towards the back of
the stage.
DAILY MAIL (looking at the two ATTRACTIVE LADIES): Of course I'm not. More homosexuals are the last thing we need, thank you very much. We've already seen the decay of the traditional British family, I don't want to see it disappear totally.
(Pauses, looking around) How many illegal immigrants are there in this pub?
THE SUN (looking around): None, I think you’re imagining things, mate. There’s just those two benefit scroungers at the bar. (Shouting at two DRUNK UNEMPLOYED MEN on the right hand side of stage by the bar) GET A JOB!!!!!
DAILY MAIL: Look at the state of this country. I don't even recognise it anymore. We've become a soft touch. What do you think The Times?
THE SUN and DAILY MAIL turn to THE TIMES sitting by the table. THE TIMES stays silent.
THE SUN: Well, what do you think?
THE TIMES stays silent.
DAILY MAIL: Aren't you going to say anything?
THE TIMES holds out his hand looking for money.
THE SUN: Not this again.
THE TIMES keeps his hand outstretched for money.
THE SUN: Bloody hell!
THE SUN gives THE TIMES a pound.
THE TIMES: Well it is true that more immigrants have entered Britain in the past twenty years, but this has more to do with a relaxation in EU laws rather than anything necessarily to do with government.
THE TIMES stops abruptly, showing no sign of continuing.
THE SUN: Yes, and?
THE TIMES stays silent.
DAILY MAIL: Is that all you're going to say?
THE TIMES holds out his hand for more money.
THE SUN: I don't have any change!
THE TIMES shrugs his shoulders.
THE SUN: Where's Daily Express? I thought he was meeting us here?
DAILY MAIL: He's in his room because he thinks going to the pub can give you cancer.
THE SUN: What a mug.
DAILY MAIL: Exactly! Everyone knows that chocolate, celery, red meat, the sun, the moon, the sea, water, too much sex, too little sex, technology, asylum seekers and the French are the main causes of cancer.
THE GUARDIAN walks onto stage and heads over to THE TIMES, THE SUN and DAILY MAIL on the table. She sits down next to THE TIMES on the table.
THE GUARDIAN: What did I hear? Another xenophobic remark?
DAILY MAIL: Just because I care about the state of this county. I'm not prepared to lie down and let illegal immigrants, criminals and scroungers run rampant through of the streets of this once Great Britain.
THE GUARDIAN: I do care, but everything's not so black and white. There are some grey areas.
THE SUN: (To THE GUARDIAN) Couldn't you wear something a bit more revealing? All these opinions and no skin is a massive turn off, love.
THE GUARDIAN: I'm not like your girlfriends. I have some respect for myself... and intelligence.
THE SUN: My girls are intelligent. I'll tell you what one of them said the other day.
THE GUARDIAN: How do my tits look?
THE SUN: She was talking about the UK's fiscal economic policy under Gordon Brown... while getting her tits out.
THE GUARDIAN sighs.
THE SUN: You're such a snob!
THE GUARDIAN: I'm not a snob. People listen and care about my opinions. I fight for important causes, trying to improve society and the lives of the people who live in Britain, not who's got the best pair of tits.
THE SUN: People care about my opinion! I'm the voice of the people.
DAILY MIRROR enters onto stage from the left.
DAILY MIRROR: You're not the voice of the people you mug!
It follows characters in a pub that are the personifications of the national newspapers. Interested? No, well read on anyway.
INT. A PUB. THE LIGHTS COME ON. THREE MEN (THE SUN, DAILY MAIL, THE TIMES) ARE SITTING AT A TABLE WHICH IS OFF TO THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE STAGE. TWO UNEMPLOYED DRUNK PATRONS ARE SAT ON A TABLE TO THE RIGHT OF THE STAGE, NEXT TO THE BAR
ITSELF.
TWO ATTRACTIVE LADIES ENTER FROM STAGE LEFT.
THE SUN (shouting at two ladies): Oi Oi saveloy! (To DAILY MAIL) Look at the tits on those beauties!
DAILY MAIL (turns to face THE SUN, embarrassed): Do you have to be so crude?
THE SUN: I'm just appreciating her figure. She’s a beautiful woman who needs to be told by men how great her body looks. Are you bent or something?
The two ATTRACTIVE LADIES sit on a table towards the back of
the stage.
DAILY MAIL (looking at the two ATTRACTIVE LADIES): Of course I'm not. More homosexuals are the last thing we need, thank you very much. We've already seen the decay of the traditional British family, I don't want to see it disappear totally.
(Pauses, looking around) How many illegal immigrants are there in this pub?
THE SUN (looking around): None, I think you’re imagining things, mate. There’s just those two benefit scroungers at the bar. (Shouting at two DRUNK UNEMPLOYED MEN on the right hand side of stage by the bar) GET A JOB!!!!!
DAILY MAIL: Look at the state of this country. I don't even recognise it anymore. We've become a soft touch. What do you think The Times?
THE SUN and DAILY MAIL turn to THE TIMES sitting by the table. THE TIMES stays silent.
THE SUN: Well, what do you think?
THE TIMES stays silent.
DAILY MAIL: Aren't you going to say anything?
THE TIMES holds out his hand looking for money.
THE SUN: Not this again.
THE TIMES keeps his hand outstretched for money.
THE SUN: Bloody hell!
THE SUN gives THE TIMES a pound.
THE TIMES: Well it is true that more immigrants have entered Britain in the past twenty years, but this has more to do with a relaxation in EU laws rather than anything necessarily to do with government.
THE TIMES stops abruptly, showing no sign of continuing.
THE SUN: Yes, and?
THE TIMES stays silent.
DAILY MAIL: Is that all you're going to say?
THE TIMES holds out his hand for more money.
THE SUN: I don't have any change!
THE TIMES shrugs his shoulders.
THE SUN: Where's Daily Express? I thought he was meeting us here?
DAILY MAIL: He's in his room because he thinks going to the pub can give you cancer.
THE SUN: What a mug.
DAILY MAIL: Exactly! Everyone knows that chocolate, celery, red meat, the sun, the moon, the sea, water, too much sex, too little sex, technology, asylum seekers and the French are the main causes of cancer.
THE GUARDIAN walks onto stage and heads over to THE TIMES, THE SUN and DAILY MAIL on the table. She sits down next to THE TIMES on the table.
THE GUARDIAN: What did I hear? Another xenophobic remark?
DAILY MAIL: Just because I care about the state of this county. I'm not prepared to lie down and let illegal immigrants, criminals and scroungers run rampant through of the streets of this once Great Britain.
THE GUARDIAN: I do care, but everything's not so black and white. There are some grey areas.
THE SUN: (To THE GUARDIAN) Couldn't you wear something a bit more revealing? All these opinions and no skin is a massive turn off, love.
THE GUARDIAN: I'm not like your girlfriends. I have some respect for myself... and intelligence.
THE SUN: My girls are intelligent. I'll tell you what one of them said the other day.
THE GUARDIAN: How do my tits look?
THE SUN: She was talking about the UK's fiscal economic policy under Gordon Brown... while getting her tits out.
THE GUARDIAN sighs.
THE SUN: You're such a snob!
THE GUARDIAN: I'm not a snob. People listen and care about my opinions. I fight for important causes, trying to improve society and the lives of the people who live in Britain, not who's got the best pair of tits.
THE SUN: People care about my opinion! I'm the voice of the people.
DAILY MIRROR enters onto stage from the left.
DAILY MIRROR: You're not the voice of the people you mug!
Thursday 7 April 2011
Businessman John: Sketch Three
Another friend of Businessmen John runs into some money problems. Will John help him out? Or, just make him a "once in a lifetime offer"?
Int. One of Businessman John’s friends is talking to John looking very distressed and upset.
Friend: John, mate, I’ve run into some money problems. I know this is cheeky, but you’re a good mate, and well….I was wondering if you could lend me some money. Just for me to get back on my feet. I’ll pay you back as soon as I get more money coming in.
John: That’s great Steven, because today is the start of a new loan deal for a limited time only.
Friend: Great, great. So when do you reckon you’ll be able to loan me the money?
John: Just hold on there my friend. First, let me tell you a bit more about the package I’m offering you. I will give you one lump sum and not expect that money back for a year where you can get your money together and pay me back at a time suitable for you (Coughs out small print terms and conditions, something like 100 per cent interest rate after a month).
Friend: What was that mate?
John: I said it’s a great offer that is only open for a limited time. It’s like I’m throwing money away (Chucks money in the air then quickly picks it up).
Int. One of Businessman John’s friends is talking to John looking very distressed and upset.
Friend: John, mate, I’ve run into some money problems. I know this is cheeky, but you’re a good mate, and well….I was wondering if you could lend me some money. Just for me to get back on my feet. I’ll pay you back as soon as I get more money coming in.
John: That’s great Steven, because today is the start of a new loan deal for a limited time only.
Friend: Great, great. So when do you reckon you’ll be able to loan me the money?
John: Just hold on there my friend. First, let me tell you a bit more about the package I’m offering you. I will give you one lump sum and not expect that money back for a year where you can get your money together and pay me back at a time suitable for you (Coughs out small print terms and conditions, something like 100 per cent interest rate after a month).
Friend: What was that mate?
John: I said it’s a great offer that is only open for a limited time. It’s like I’m throwing money away (Chucks money in the air then quickly picks it up).
Monday 4 April 2011
Ian iPhone on YouTube
Check out the first Ian iPhone sketch on YouTube. Alternatively you can download the latest Ian iPhone app that does something shit and pointless.
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