A new fashion craze is sweeping the country faster than the Black Death, with the potential consequences being quoted as 'equally as disastrous.' Those most in danger are teenage boys and young adult men, who are being targeted by High Street stores pushing a range of outfits under the term "JLS", which stands for 'Just Laughably Shit.'
According to medical experts, the process begins with a basic form of brainwashing, in which normal, regular men are led to believe that hideous clothes in ridiculous combinations actually look good. This is primarily achieved through a drip-feeding process via certain celebrities on television and in Heat magazine. Or More magazine. Or Look magazine. Or Cosmopolitan....magazine. Or Shite magazine. When these images are combined with encouraging words from females, the affected men begin the steady descent into JLS. The guilty women feel no shame, though, because they aren't the ones who are going to look like absolute dicks.
Eventually, the poor unfortunate men will be clad in the most ridiculous, unashamedly contrived and chuckle inducing outfits this side of the 80s. To date victims have been seen wearing:
- tight, shiny leather trousers with an equally tight white vest
- drop-crotch jeans, banana jeans or carrot jeans (if you don't know what these are or why they are named as such then you are obviously an idiot and hella uncool)
- scoop neck t-shirts with a neckline that reaches down to the base of the sternum in order to show off a hairless, well built chest, with perfectly defined pecs, with a slight application of baby oil to add that masculine shine
- a selection of brightly coloured braces, worn with one brace up over the right shoulder, and the other brace hanging limply down, naturally
- waistcoats worn over T-shirts
- bright yellow cardigans
- check shirts with purple, green, black, yellow and red all thrown in there because they all compliment each other so well, done all the way up and worn untucked with those previously mentioned food related jeans tucked into garishly coloured high top basketball trainers
- white trilby hats
- white trousers
- fluorescent plimsolls
- just anything that's fluorescent. Retina burning fluorescent. And it doesn't have to match, just thrown together like there's been an explosion in a glow-stick factory, or an exotic bird has vomited all over them
- all trousers must be tucked into some kind of boot
- T-shirts with built in scarfs, because T-shirt weather naturally necessitates the need for a scarf.
- Oh, and sleeveless hoodies. With a zip. Undone. To just below the perfectly defined pecs. Which gleam. With baby oil.
When the victims are dressed in this manner they are at their most vulnerable. Other normal men and women see them out in public in these outfits and all hell breaks loose. Men attack the victims in a blind rage as the colour combinations start to burn their eyes, or in other instances to protect their friends who have fallen to the floor in fits of laughter, which continues unabated until they are in very real danger of rupturing their spleen.
Women, on the other hand, see these men in these outfits and become incensed that the bodies underneath are not perfectly waxed, perfectly toned and sculpted and perfectly perfect. They are in fact rather hairy, pale and carrying pouches of fat. When this scene reveals itself the women leap on the poor victims and literally pull at his face with nails and teeth in order to remove it.
It is believed that this fashion will only go out of fashion when it isn't fashionable anymore with the fashionable types who read fashion magazines. Until then, though, it has been advised to either keep these outfits locked away safely in your homes, or just don't buy them in the first place.
Sunday 31 October 2010
Saturday 30 October 2010
Daily Express: Living gives you cancer
The fountain of xenophobic knowledge and Princess Diana shrine, otherwise known as the Daily Express, has today exclusively revealed that living life gives people cancer. After several day of intensive scientific studies it was discovered that an incredible number of everyday items and activities can actually be the source of the potentially fatal disease. The list was particularly exhaustive, lisitng 204 different sources of cancer from everyday life, but of the most concerning are:
- Chocolate
- Celery
- Red meat
- Too much sex
- Too little sex
- Asylum seekers
- Foreigners
- Left-wing politics
- Homosexuals
- The NHS
- Being a member of the EU
- Being on benefits
The latest article is set to spark fears among the Daily Express' highly intellectual and well-informed readers, most of whom are planning to stop living a life of any remote happiness or enjoyment in order to curb the risk of cancer. Primarily, these highly educated individuals and families will lock themselves in their houses, boarding up all doors and windows and wrapping themselves in multiple layers of clothes and blankets as both wood fires and central heating can apparently cause cancer as well. Once this stage has been reached, these people will refuse to leave their homes for the next two years until the threat of cancer has been significantly reduced, or until Madeline McCann has been found.
The Daily Express went on to suggest that readers first lose the will to live before continuing to read the newspaper for more helpful advice, tips and well-written articles, as this will reduce sudden rises in stress levels at reading such ridiculous news stories, which also cause cancer.
This suggestion goes against the common belief that most people hold as they usually lose the will to live after reading the Daily Express and not beforehand.
- Chocolate
- Celery
- Red meat
- Too much sex
- Too little sex
- Asylum seekers
- Foreigners
- Left-wing politics
- Homosexuals
- The NHS
- Being a member of the EU
- Being on benefits
The latest article is set to spark fears among the Daily Express' highly intellectual and well-informed readers, most of whom are planning to stop living a life of any remote happiness or enjoyment in order to curb the risk of cancer. Primarily, these highly educated individuals and families will lock themselves in their houses, boarding up all doors and windows and wrapping themselves in multiple layers of clothes and blankets as both wood fires and central heating can apparently cause cancer as well. Once this stage has been reached, these people will refuse to leave their homes for the next two years until the threat of cancer has been significantly reduced, or until Madeline McCann has been found.
The Daily Express went on to suggest that readers first lose the will to live before continuing to read the newspaper for more helpful advice, tips and well-written articles, as this will reduce sudden rises in stress levels at reading such ridiculous news stories, which also cause cancer.
This suggestion goes against the common belief that most people hold as they usually lose the will to live after reading the Daily Express and not beforehand.
Monday 25 October 2010
Smoking To Be Classed As Extreme Sport
Government ministers have today announced that the act of smoking cigarettes is to be classified as an extreme sport. The continued popularity of the lethal hobby in the face of overwhelming, some might say 'blasé', scientific evidence that it causes death has left many critics mystified; so the new official stance adopted by Parliament is - "just let them get on with it".
The statement released by the government claims that "smokers have been told repeatedly that their actions are highly likely to cause a life threatening disease at some point in their life, yet they just do not listen, so we are washing our hands of them - they can do as they please, they just better not come bleating back to us when things go wrong". In order to make this decision appear less heartless, the government officially granted smoking the status of an extreme sport, so as to appear to offer a gift to the smokers before shunning them. The reasoning for such a move is that like those who partake in bungee jumping, sky-diving or hang-gliding, smokers knowingly partake in an activity with the explicit knowledge that they are heightening the odds of an early death. So when this death does occur, the family and friends of the deceased can now say that at least they died doing what they loved.
A spokesperson for Smokers Have Intelligent Traits has welcomed the news. In a short statement it was claimed that "smokers of the world can now be proud of their bravery in the face of the negative barbs of society - we are mavericks who look death in the eye and laugh in his face". Continuing along similar lines, the spokesperson said that "we could all die tomorrow, a car could run us down in the street and it would all be over - so why not just live life to the maximum and enjoy yourself?"
The spokesperson did acknowledge that hacking up black phlegm first thing every morning was not particularly pleasant, yet "nothing could beat the sensation of breathing in smoke all day". Furthermore, the spokesperson went on to claim that smokers should be held in as high regard as fireman in regards to bravery/stupidity, by saying that "when they [firemen] enter a burning building, they have oxygen masks on, yet we smokers inhale smoke regularly everyday, and we just do it because we're so f*cking awesome".
The anti-smoking group Please Don't Kill Me As Well has offered a mixed reaction to the government's decision. According to their spokesperson, the extreme sport tag will "lessen the concern of non-smokers for the lives of those that do smoke, because now there is truly no excuse if illness sets in", yet, the tag could also act as a 'James Dean effect' by luring in young children desperate for the need to be cool. The spokesperson claimed that "there are many children out there with no personality or social abilities whatsoever, so the chance to dice with death and take up an extreme sport like smoking in order to impress their peers is a very real dilemma". When asked if members of the group would still sympathise with an ailing smoker whose extreme, daredevil lifestyle had caught up with them, the spokesperson claimed that "nobody wants to see a fellow human being in pain or on deaths door, but if you do not help yourself, then you cannot expect others to help you either".
The spokesperson also responded to his counterpart's remarks about living life to the maximum. After acknowledging that life can be taken away at any moment, the spokesperson claimed that "the fragility of life is precisely why I choose not to smoke. While I have the gift of life in my hands I don't want to do something that will make my teeth and hair go yellow, that will drastically age my skin and make me smell foul and hideous. I don't much like the thought of people wincing after they kiss me either. I'm trying to preserve whatever youth and beauty I might have".
The statement released by the government claims that "smokers have been told repeatedly that their actions are highly likely to cause a life threatening disease at some point in their life, yet they just do not listen, so we are washing our hands of them - they can do as they please, they just better not come bleating back to us when things go wrong". In order to make this decision appear less heartless, the government officially granted smoking the status of an extreme sport, so as to appear to offer a gift to the smokers before shunning them. The reasoning for such a move is that like those who partake in bungee jumping, sky-diving or hang-gliding, smokers knowingly partake in an activity with the explicit knowledge that they are heightening the odds of an early death. So when this death does occur, the family and friends of the deceased can now say that at least they died doing what they loved.
A spokesperson for Smokers Have Intelligent Traits has welcomed the news. In a short statement it was claimed that "smokers of the world can now be proud of their bravery in the face of the negative barbs of society - we are mavericks who look death in the eye and laugh in his face". Continuing along similar lines, the spokesperson said that "we could all die tomorrow, a car could run us down in the street and it would all be over - so why not just live life to the maximum and enjoy yourself?"
The spokesperson did acknowledge that hacking up black phlegm first thing every morning was not particularly pleasant, yet "nothing could beat the sensation of breathing in smoke all day". Furthermore, the spokesperson went on to claim that smokers should be held in as high regard as fireman in regards to bravery/stupidity, by saying that "when they [firemen] enter a burning building, they have oxygen masks on, yet we smokers inhale smoke regularly everyday, and we just do it because we're so f*cking awesome".
The anti-smoking group Please Don't Kill Me As Well has offered a mixed reaction to the government's decision. According to their spokesperson, the extreme sport tag will "lessen the concern of non-smokers for the lives of those that do smoke, because now there is truly no excuse if illness sets in", yet, the tag could also act as a 'James Dean effect' by luring in young children desperate for the need to be cool. The spokesperson claimed that "there are many children out there with no personality or social abilities whatsoever, so the chance to dice with death and take up an extreme sport like smoking in order to impress their peers is a very real dilemma". When asked if members of the group would still sympathise with an ailing smoker whose extreme, daredevil lifestyle had caught up with them, the spokesperson claimed that "nobody wants to see a fellow human being in pain or on deaths door, but if you do not help yourself, then you cannot expect others to help you either".
The spokesperson also responded to his counterpart's remarks about living life to the maximum. After acknowledging that life can be taken away at any moment, the spokesperson claimed that "the fragility of life is precisely why I choose not to smoke. While I have the gift of life in my hands I don't want to do something that will make my teeth and hair go yellow, that will drastically age my skin and make me smell foul and hideous. I don't much like the thought of people wincing after they kiss me either. I'm trying to preserve whatever youth and beauty I might have".
Official Definition Makes The Word "Gay" Mean Bad
Top lexicographers have today announced new additions to, and definitions for, the words within the English language dictionary. Of these additions and revisions, however, there stands a solitary point of controversy - the word "gay" will now have the following new definitions to stand alongside those already in place, notably those meaning 'happy' and 'homosexual':
- referring to a situation or event that is unsatisfactory
or undesirable.
- referring to a person who is annoying in nature.
One of the senior lexicographers, who wishes to remain nameless, claims that the definition is merely "moving with the times" and ensuring that dictionaries and thesauri "stay hip with the kids". The lexicographer went to great lengths to distance the decision of his colleagues with any form of homophobic activity. Moreover, he simply claimed that the new definition was a "realistic reflection of the majority of society", and thus, "it cannot be us that has demonised this term - blame society".
The decision has not been taken lightly, that much is clear. Six months of research was dedicated to the word "gay" alone, and it was deemed that enough people use the word in a derogatory sense, yet not specifically designed to insult homosexuals. As such, the new definitions were given the green light and will be appearing in new editions of dictionaries and thesauri within three months.
Naturally, though, this news has sparked outrage in the gay (meaning homosexual) community. A spokesperson for the Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender group has slammed the decision, stating that it "makes a mockery of an already homophobic society denying gay and lesbian people their due rights". The reason for the anger is centred around the negative aspect of the definition with a word that is already universally used to describe homosexual people. As the LGBT spokesperson points out, "this further stigmatises an already demonised lifestyle choice". The spokesperson went on to argue that "if a set of unsatisfactory events is labelled as 'gay', or an annoying person is labelled as the same, then it will only lead to people linking all definitions of the word with purely negative thoughts". The spokesperson used the example of the now archaic definition of the word meaning "cheery and happy", which is now all but a distant memory to pensioners only.
These protests, however, have been dismissed as gay.
- referring to a situation or event that is unsatisfactory
or undesirable.
- referring to a person who is annoying in nature.
One of the senior lexicographers, who wishes to remain nameless, claims that the definition is merely "moving with the times" and ensuring that dictionaries and thesauri "stay hip with the kids". The lexicographer went to great lengths to distance the decision of his colleagues with any form of homophobic activity. Moreover, he simply claimed that the new definition was a "realistic reflection of the majority of society", and thus, "it cannot be us that has demonised this term - blame society".
The decision has not been taken lightly, that much is clear. Six months of research was dedicated to the word "gay" alone, and it was deemed that enough people use the word in a derogatory sense, yet not specifically designed to insult homosexuals. As such, the new definitions were given the green light and will be appearing in new editions of dictionaries and thesauri within three months.
Naturally, though, this news has sparked outrage in the gay (meaning homosexual) community. A spokesperson for the Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender group has slammed the decision, stating that it "makes a mockery of an already homophobic society denying gay and lesbian people their due rights". The reason for the anger is centred around the negative aspect of the definition with a word that is already universally used to describe homosexual people. As the LGBT spokesperson points out, "this further stigmatises an already demonised lifestyle choice". The spokesperson went on to argue that "if a set of unsatisfactory events is labelled as 'gay', or an annoying person is labelled as the same, then it will only lead to people linking all definitions of the word with purely negative thoughts". The spokesperson used the example of the now archaic definition of the word meaning "cheery and happy", which is now all but a distant memory to pensioners only.
These protests, however, have been dismissed as gay.
British Army Offers Spicy Food Lovers A Head Start
The British Army has unveiled a new fast-track scheme in which any appropriate new recruit can be automatically promoted to the rank of Major if they have a penchant for spicy food. During these testing times in the war against terror it has become painfully clear that millions of gallant warriors line our streets and occupy our lives, yet they are filled with a melancholy angst, knowing as they do that their credentials suit a far higher rank than that of the lowly Private. Now, though, these frustrated heroes have final been given their rightful chance to show the extent of their gallantry.
Having noted this situation, the Army has confirmed that a liking for specific dishes such as vindaloo, phaal curry, anything with horrible little chili peppers in it, Caribbean jerk dishes and Sichuan hot pot will offer men and women of steel across the nation their rightful rank. Indeed, if the applicant enjoys consuming these dishes while sweating profusely, suffering from severe discomfort and having to drink a litre of water just to prevent blistering in the mouth, then they are guaranteed acceptance into the British Army as a Major without having to pass any form of physical training test.
In a statement, an Army spokesman said: "It has come to our attention that there is a certain calibre of person walking the streets of Britain, the type of person who is evidently made of granite and steel, who is letting their bravery and heroism go to waste. These Gods among mortals can eat the worlds spiciest dishes and ignore the fact that they aren't actually enjoying the dining experience. Moreover, these noble people then rightly mock those beneath them who opted for milder dishes because they simply wanted to have a pleasant, comfortable evening. We need these people in the Army at once."
So, for the good of the country, if you find yourself in a restaurant with a person sweating profusely and with a swollen tongue lambasting everybody else for being so pathetic, tell them that they should join the Army post haste, because their bravery and courage are needed in the theatre of war.
Having noted this situation, the Army has confirmed that a liking for specific dishes such as vindaloo, phaal curry, anything with horrible little chili peppers in it, Caribbean jerk dishes and Sichuan hot pot will offer men and women of steel across the nation their rightful rank. Indeed, if the applicant enjoys consuming these dishes while sweating profusely, suffering from severe discomfort and having to drink a litre of water just to prevent blistering in the mouth, then they are guaranteed acceptance into the British Army as a Major without having to pass any form of physical training test.
In a statement, an Army spokesman said: "It has come to our attention that there is a certain calibre of person walking the streets of Britain, the type of person who is evidently made of granite and steel, who is letting their bravery and heroism go to waste. These Gods among mortals can eat the worlds spiciest dishes and ignore the fact that they aren't actually enjoying the dining experience. Moreover, these noble people then rightly mock those beneath them who opted for milder dishes because they simply wanted to have a pleasant, comfortable evening. We need these people in the Army at once."
So, for the good of the country, if you find yourself in a restaurant with a person sweating profusely and with a swollen tongue lambasting everybody else for being so pathetic, tell them that they should join the Army post haste, because their bravery and courage are needed in the theatre of war.
Rap Star Gets Fiscal In New Song
Controversial rap mega-star L-da-Lee Killa is set to take the horrific, mutant rap/hip hop juggernaut to dizzying new heights with the release of his new single I've Got Lots Of Money. The song is expected to dwarf all previous sales figures for a singles chart release, with an estimated 2.7 billion copies expected to be purchased or illegally downloaded within three days of its official release.
The song does not come without controversy, however. Critics have claimed that the lyrics are merely a cheap perpetuation of the rapid decline in substance and meaning in the songs that represent the current vapid, meaningless world of rap and hip hop. One snitch from the NME, who wanted to remain nameless, told us that "we didn't think that the quality of lyrics in these songs could get any more idiotic and materialistic, but once again we have been proven wrong. We are still waiting for an official nadir to be reached, but these artistes just keep plumbing new depths".
Lyrics of particular note that have been highlighted include:
Dis one's got love going out to da borders,
Got so much cash don't need standing orders,
Got dose paper statements in a massive stash,
So people know I got shitloads o cash,
Framing 'em and putting 'em up on my wall,
So peeps see 'em when dey walk through my hall.
Moreover, the song degenerates rapidly as it progresses, with the bulk of the second verse literally consisting of Mr. Killa reading out expensive transactions from his bank statement, including; a shopping trip to Selfridges to buy a seemingly inordinate amount of baggy jeans, but no belt, an afternoon spent in Schuh buying an infinite supply of white trainers, a quick jaunt to Swarovski for some incredibly garish jewelery, two days spent in New Era buying baseball caps but leaving all the stickers and tags on, and a day spent in Ikea buying lamps and meatballs are all mentioned in what is being called the most frighteningly frivolous verse of music ever written.
As if things could not get any worse, however, the three chorus' consists of L-da-Lee Killa simply repeating the five titular words of the song over and over again for five minutes at a time, an act that has been deemed as not only insulting and self-indulgent, but horrendously unimaginative and in no way creative.
'I've got lots of money' is available to purchase from Monday; but just remember, if you buy it you are only lining his pockets, and giving him more opportunity to write even more appalling songs. The greatest art comes out of struggle, strife and sadness, not affluence, prosperity and wealth.
The song does not come without controversy, however. Critics have claimed that the lyrics are merely a cheap perpetuation of the rapid decline in substance and meaning in the songs that represent the current vapid, meaningless world of rap and hip hop. One snitch from the NME, who wanted to remain nameless, told us that "we didn't think that the quality of lyrics in these songs could get any more idiotic and materialistic, but once again we have been proven wrong. We are still waiting for an official nadir to be reached, but these artistes just keep plumbing new depths".
Lyrics of particular note that have been highlighted include:
Dis one's got love going out to da borders,
Got so much cash don't need standing orders,
Got dose paper statements in a massive stash,
So people know I got shitloads o cash,
Framing 'em and putting 'em up on my wall,
So peeps see 'em when dey walk through my hall.
Moreover, the song degenerates rapidly as it progresses, with the bulk of the second verse literally consisting of Mr. Killa reading out expensive transactions from his bank statement, including; a shopping trip to Selfridges to buy a seemingly inordinate amount of baggy jeans, but no belt, an afternoon spent in Schuh buying an infinite supply of white trainers, a quick jaunt to Swarovski for some incredibly garish jewelery, two days spent in New Era buying baseball caps but leaving all the stickers and tags on, and a day spent in Ikea buying lamps and meatballs are all mentioned in what is being called the most frighteningly frivolous verse of music ever written.
As if things could not get any worse, however, the three chorus' consists of L-da-Lee Killa simply repeating the five titular words of the song over and over again for five minutes at a time, an act that has been deemed as not only insulting and self-indulgent, but horrendously unimaginative and in no way creative.
'I've got lots of money' is available to purchase from Monday; but just remember, if you buy it you are only lining his pockets, and giving him more opportunity to write even more appalling songs. The greatest art comes out of struggle, strife and sadness, not affluence, prosperity and wealth.
Sky to launch ADHD TV
Global megalomaniac Rupert Murdoch has unveiled a new age of television. First we had HD TV, then there was 3D TV and now Sky have brought us ADHD TV.
ADHD TV has already been met with strong criticism by techno-geeks who are still getting over 3D TV. They claim ADHD TV is far too erratic for them often changing channels without warning. They also claim it blurts out inappropriate language in the middle of programmes often telling the viewer to "fuck off". Viewers have also expressed concern at the hyperactive nature of the television, which often runs around the living room or lounge relentlessly without stopping for hours. This has caused particular stress and concern for techno-geeks with reports that some had shat themselves while others had tried to hump it.
In response to these criticisms and the bad publicity that could be caused by ADHD TV, Murdoch replied "I actually don't care. I am the media bitch. If you report this to them, I will fuck you up." Before running around his office, breaking stuff and swearing relentlessly.
ADHD TV has already been met with strong criticism by techno-geeks who are still getting over 3D TV. They claim ADHD TV is far too erratic for them often changing channels without warning. They also claim it blurts out inappropriate language in the middle of programmes often telling the viewer to "fuck off". Viewers have also expressed concern at the hyperactive nature of the television, which often runs around the living room or lounge relentlessly without stopping for hours. This has caused particular stress and concern for techno-geeks with reports that some had shat themselves while others had tried to hump it.
In response to these criticisms and the bad publicity that could be caused by ADHD TV, Murdoch replied "I actually don't care. I am the media bitch. If you report this to them, I will fuck you up." Before running around his office, breaking stuff and swearing relentlessly.
Monday 18 October 2010
Oxford English Dictionary to change definition of the word 'victim' in light of Rooney revelation
The Oxford English dictionary is set to change the definition of the word 'victim' following Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney's claims that he's been a victim for the past six months.
The word 'victim' will now have the following definitions below:
1. Someone that pays for sex with a prostitute on more than one occasion.
2. Someone that performs poorly for a sustained period of time at his or her job.
3. Someone that demands an extortinate amount of money at his or her job.
4. Someone that speaks out against his or her boss when they try to give them time off to sort out their private life.
5. Scousers that would probably be thiefing toe-rags if they weren't good at football.
The word 'victim' will now have the following definitions below:
1. Someone that pays for sex with a prostitute on more than one occasion.
2. Someone that performs poorly for a sustained period of time at his or her job.
3. Someone that demands an extortinate amount of money at his or her job.
4. Someone that speaks out against his or her boss when they try to give them time off to sort out their private life.
5. Scousers that would probably be thiefing toe-rags if they weren't good at football.
Wednesday 13 October 2010
Ian i-phone - Train Ticket
This time our friend Ian is on a train without a ticket. Will his i-phone be able to help him out? Probably not.
Int. Ian I-phone is sitting on a train carriage reading the paper. A ticket inspector comes up to him.
Inspector: Excuse me sir, can I see your ticket please?
Ian: Oh, yeah, sure.
Ian pats down his pockets and plunges his hand into of them and withdraws his i-phone. He simply holds it out for inspection as though it were his ticket.
Inspector: Sir, that is a mobile phone, not a train ticket.
Ian: It’s an i-phone.
Inspector: Yes, I can see that. Now can I please see your ticket for this journey please?
Ian: Yes
Ian continues to just hold out the i-phone.
Inspector: Sir, if you don’t have a ticket I’m going to have to fine you.
Ian: I don’t need a ticket, I’ve got an i-phone.
The Inspector sighs with frustration and writes out a fine and hands it to Ian.
Ian: How am I supposed to pay this?
Inspector: It tells you how on the slip, sir.
Ian: Is there an app for it?
Inspector: No, sir, there is not an app for it. (Walks away from Ian) Prick.
Int. Ian I-phone is sitting on a train carriage reading the paper. A ticket inspector comes up to him.
Inspector: Excuse me sir, can I see your ticket please?
Ian: Oh, yeah, sure.
Ian pats down his pockets and plunges his hand into of them and withdraws his i-phone. He simply holds it out for inspection as though it were his ticket.
Inspector: Sir, that is a mobile phone, not a train ticket.
Ian: It’s an i-phone.
Inspector: Yes, I can see that. Now can I please see your ticket for this journey please?
Ian: Yes
Ian continues to just hold out the i-phone.
Inspector: Sir, if you don’t have a ticket I’m going to have to fine you.
Ian: I don’t need a ticket, I’ve got an i-phone.
The Inspector sighs with frustration and writes out a fine and hands it to Ian.
Ian: How am I supposed to pay this?
Inspector: It tells you how on the slip, sir.
Ian: Is there an app for it?
Inspector: No, sir, there is not an app for it. (Walks away from Ian) Prick.
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