Father Christmas has been arrested as part of a police crackdown on paedophilles following the Jimmy Savile revelations. The arrest has put Christmas at risk for millions of children.
The Father Christmas arrest comes following allegations from hundreds of children who allegedly saw him emptying his sack in front of them every Christmas for the past ten years.
One victim said, "He would just come into our house and empty his sack all over the living room and into my stocking."
It is not yet know whether the victim's "stocking" is an euphemism or an actual stocking but police are looking into the matter.
In some cases the victims even claimed to be touched inappropriately by Father Christmas leading them to go as far to say that they "hate Christmas."
Another victim said, "Father Christmas would come into my room stinking of brandy and mince pies. He would then whisper in my ear before touching me inappropriately. There is a good chance that it was probably my pervy uncle Sidney, it certainly sounded like him, but it was probably Father Christmas."
The police have reassured the public that Father Christmas' arrest will not mean that Christmas is cancelled or at risk from being cut altogether. However, critics are less sure.
Lord Bell-end of Bell-enden says, "Father Christmas has put shame on the holiday we all love. He is an opportunistic and devious person that would take advantage of the UK public's goodwill and shamelessly empty his sack in front of children for years on end."
The arrest of Father Christmas has led to the police also investigating well-known children's TV characters who have had access to children in the past 20 years. Elmo has already been arrested for having sex with a minor but many popular children's TV figures are also set to follow.
A police spokesperson says,"I can confirm that we are investigating one person that has been allegedly undertaking paedophillic activities for the past 20 years. We can't confirm who this is, but let's just say he resides in Crinkly Bottom, used to hang out with a weird little man with a beard and is pink with yellow polka dots."
Sunday 18 November 2012
Wednesday 14 November 2012
Trump to protest against Democracy by 'throwing toys out of pram'
Donald Trump is set to protest against President Obama's democratic election win by throwing all of his toys out of a giant pram.
Mr Trump has already commissioned a giant pram to be built which will go through the streets of Washington DC before ending up outside the White House to stage a mass rant. Along the way 'The Donald' will throw all of his toys out of the pram.
The protest comes following the US Presidential election in what Trump described as 'a sham and a travesty.' Such strong words had only been previously heard from hair experts when describing Mr Trump's suspect toupee.
Donald Trump says, "To show my absolute disgust at Obama's victory, I will be throwing all of my toys out of a pram. The throwing of my toys out of the pram will demonstrate that I will not go down without a fight and will be making an important point in the only way I know how.
"Now is the time for all my fellow Americans, who are unhappy at Obama's victory, to join me by grabbing all their toys and throwing them out of a pram."
The move has been backed by Fox News who will be building a special giant pram for their news presenters, colourful personalities and owner of the 'news' station Rupert Murdoch. The 'news' station has been collecting toys around the clock so they will have enough to throw out of their pram.
A spokesperson for Fox News says, "At first we decided to call Obama a socialist then a Muslim then a terrorist and then someone who wasn't even born in America, but none of this has made any difference whatsoever. The only thing we can do now is throw all of our toys out of a pram."
Mr Trump has already commissioned a giant pram to be built which will go through the streets of Washington DC before ending up outside the White House to stage a mass rant. Along the way 'The Donald' will throw all of his toys out of the pram.
The protest comes following the US Presidential election in what Trump described as 'a sham and a travesty.' Such strong words had only been previously heard from hair experts when describing Mr Trump's suspect toupee.
Donald Trump says, "To show my absolute disgust at Obama's victory, I will be throwing all of my toys out of a pram. The throwing of my toys out of the pram will demonstrate that I will not go down without a fight and will be making an important point in the only way I know how.
"Now is the time for all my fellow Americans, who are unhappy at Obama's victory, to join me by grabbing all their toys and throwing them out of a pram."
The move has been backed by Fox News who will be building a special giant pram for their news presenters, colourful personalities and owner of the 'news' station Rupert Murdoch. The 'news' station has been collecting toys around the clock so they will have enough to throw out of their pram.
A spokesperson for Fox News says, "At first we decided to call Obama a socialist then a Muslim then a terrorist and then someone who wasn't even born in America, but none of this has made any difference whatsoever. The only thing we can do now is throw all of our toys out of a pram."
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