Doctors seek cure for 'Chav Tourettes'

Doctors across the UK are desperately seeking a cure for 'Chav Tourettes' after a monumental rise in the illness.

'Chav Tourettes' take many forms with the most popular being the "shout out of my shit car at random passers-by" form of tourettes. These random passers-by could be people simply going for a jog trying to keep fit or girls just trying to get from A to B.

One Doctor heavily involved in the research explains:
"'Chavs Tourettes' is an unfortunate illness that takes over the lives of many chavs on a daily basis. The most common form of chav tourettes comes from inside their unimpressive 'blinged-up' motors when they see people jogging. For some reason the thought of people keeping fit really angers chavs and this manifests itself in chav tourettes as they have no control over making a random noise which sounds a lot like the word 'wanker.'"

He continues:
"Anger is often a cause of 'Chav Tourettes.' Anger with others, their lives, who they are as people or just anger in general, which causes chavs to make these uncontrollable noises. However, other triggers such as sexual arousal can also create a form of 'Chav Tourettes.' For example when a random female walks past minding her own business, they cannot control blurting out some derogatory word, phrase or sentence."

Other than normal social situations, another main cause of 'Chav Tourettes' was shown to happen during football matches when a member of the opposition team dares to tackle or even touch them.

The Doctor explains:
"On the football pitch chavs are often at their most aggressive with this being where the most aggressive forms of 'Chav Tourettes' comes out. Unfortunately the slightest touch from the opposition sets off the 'Chav Tourettes' with those inflicted with the illness threatening to 'stab' or 'knock out' whoever touched them."

The UK government has funded research into 'Chav Tourettes' to deal with doctors are working around the clock to find a cure. To aid the research the Jeremy Kyle Show has recently donated 10 of its finest chavs for the benefit of medical research into the illness.

Opponents of gay marriage think all homosexuals fancy them

New research has indicated that almost 90 per cent of those opposed to gay marriage think homosexuals fancy them.

Those questioned as part of the survey claimed that all homosexuals who they encountered in the street would always give them 'THAT look' meaning an obvious attraction to them.

One opponent to gay marriage said:
"I saw two men holding hands in the street so I looked at them in shock. I mean two men holding hands, in this day and age! Then, as I was starring at them trying work out how two men could be holding hands, they both gave me 'THAT look'. You know 'THAT look'? I've seen 'THAT look' on loads of women in my time and they all fancied me."

In the research 'THAT look' is described as a normal look that most people give to those that are starring at them. However, if 'THAT look' is given by homosexuals then it's classified as a sign that they fancy the person starring at them.

Another opponent to gay marriage commented:
"If gay marriage was all about love then I'd have no problem, but those gays constantly give me 'THAT look' which does not suggest love but instead suggests a love of cock and nothing else. I'm sorry but I can't support that. Even when they're married, they'll still be looking at me in the street and thinking 'Yeah I want a piece of that.'"

Religion has also played a role in the gay marriage debate. One Catholic priest who does not wish to be named said:
"It's the same with children, they give me 'THAT look', just like the homosexuals. I have no choice but to molest them, to fulfill their inpure, filthy, dirty, slutty, tight little minds."