George Osborne has today sensationally laid the blame for the poor UK economy under his watch as Chancellor on the Kirsten Stewart and Robert Pattinson break-up.
Osborne claims that another dire economic quarter directly coincided with the young couple's break-up despite it being announced two days after the poor financial state of affairs.
After blaming the previous announcements about the UK economy on cold weather, hot weather, wet weather, the Royal Wedding, Diamond Jubilee, poor people, wind farms, the Euro, the NHS, state education, Lib Dems, the Labour Party's economic policies in 1999, among other things, Osborne has decided to lay the blame this time squarely on the shoulders of Kirsten Stewart and not himself.
Speaking about the economy Osborne said: "Once again I am not to blame for this economic mess. Unfortunately this time it's the fault of Kirsten Stewart for despicably cheating on R-Patz. She has put the UK's future financial progress in severe jeopardy."
He continued: "Your Chancellor is simply unable to do anything when you're trying to revive the economy in such adverse circumstances. First, it was Labour then the poor people on benefits then the snow then the Royal Wedding then the diamond jubilee and now it's Kirsten Stewart. Gay vampire books and films were one of the only things doing well during the recession and this is now under threat because of Kirsten Stewart's selfishness. What can I do?! Nothing! It's an impossible task! People keep messing up!"
In an attempt to jump on yet another bandwagon, David Cameron stepped in to back-up his friend by stating that he expected a full public apology from Kirsten Stewart.
Mr Cameron said in a statement: "Kirsten Stewart has apologised to her boyfriend who she cheated on and the wife of the man who she cheated with, so the next logical step is for her to apologise to our Chancellor for thwarting his heroic efforts to redeem the economy, as well as the people of Britain."
This latest economic debacle has occurred at the same time as Mr Osborne leaving for his holiday, with the Treasury announcing that Mr Bean, who made his return to the UK during the Olympic ceremony, will replace the Chancellor during this time. The UK economy has already reacted well to this news showing that even a complete idiot can do a better job as Chancellor than George Osborne.
Tuesday 31 July 2012
Saturday 21 July 2012
Bankers appointed to manipulate Olympic security
Barclays have been appointed by UK government so they can manipulate Olympic security to be productive and efficient.
Following their successful manipulation of the Libor rates, bankers at Barclays have been appointed by the UK government to manipulate security at the Olympics to ensure it's not a total fuck up.
Barclays will use their experience from Libor to ensure there are minimal market risks (terrorists) to stop the Olympics from running effectively. For manipulating security Barclays will be awarded with a multi-million pound government contract, plus all the champagne, cocaine and strippers they desire.
One Barclays employee says, "We've shown everyone how successfully we manipulated the financial markets, so why can we manipulate security too?"
Another employee says, "For some reason people don't like us, so maybe manipulating Olympic security will help . I don't know why people dislike us. I mean we behave irresponsibly, technically dabble in some illegal activity, demand bonuses for doing our job poorly, regularly use recreational drugs, visit strip clubs on a daily basis, let people know how much better we are than them and will occasionally visit a prostitute, but that's no reason to hate us."
Following their successful manipulation of the Libor rates, bankers at Barclays have been appointed by the UK government to manipulate security at the Olympics to ensure it's not a total fuck up.
Barclays will use their experience from Libor to ensure there are minimal market risks (terrorists) to stop the Olympics from running effectively. For manipulating security Barclays will be awarded with a multi-million pound government contract, plus all the champagne, cocaine and strippers they desire.
One Barclays employee says, "We've shown everyone how successfully we manipulated the financial markets, so why can we manipulate security too?"
Another employee says, "For some reason people don't like us, so maybe manipulating Olympic security will help . I don't know why people dislike us. I mean we behave irresponsibly, technically dabble in some illegal activity, demand bonuses for doing our job poorly, regularly use recreational drugs, visit strip clubs on a daily basis, let people know how much better we are than them and will occasionally visit a prostitute, but that's no reason to hate us."
Monday 9 July 2012
Heinz launches special 50 Shades of Grey cans of beans
Heinz is set to launch new special 50 Shades of Grey cans of beans following the success of the books with women worldwide.
Heinz decided to launch the new special cans after discovering that women from all over the UK are flicking their beans after reading the book.
All over social media women have been talking about how they flicked their beans for hours on end after reading 50 Shades of Grey, even those that don't usually read, showing the popularity of the book.
One woman said on Twitter: "Oh my God! Just read 50 Shades of Grey and couldn't help but flick my bean afterwards. It lasted all day!"
Another said on Facebook: "I need to finish reading 50 Shades of Grey but started flicking my bean after the first two chapters."
And, finally, one woman said: "After reading the book, I let my husband flick my bean for a while, but it was a lot better when I was flicking it myself."
Other brands are taking advantage of the 50 Shades of Grey craze by releasing specific products designed to appease women after they read the book. These include Youngs' special clams, Tesco's flaps of beef, Morrisons' ham wallet, Allied Carpets' special muff carpet, Pukka's fur pie and Muller's quivering mound of love pudding.
Heinz decided to launch the new special cans after discovering that women from all over the UK are flicking their beans after reading the book.
All over social media women have been talking about how they flicked their beans for hours on end after reading 50 Shades of Grey, even those that don't usually read, showing the popularity of the book.
One woman said on Twitter: "Oh my God! Just read 50 Shades of Grey and couldn't help but flick my bean afterwards. It lasted all day!"
Another said on Facebook: "I need to finish reading 50 Shades of Grey but started flicking my bean after the first two chapters."
And, finally, one woman said: "After reading the book, I let my husband flick my bean for a while, but it was a lot better when I was flicking it myself."
Other brands are taking advantage of the 50 Shades of Grey craze by releasing specific products designed to appease women after they read the book. These include Youngs' special clams, Tesco's flaps of beef, Morrisons' ham wallet, Allied Carpets' special muff carpet, Pukka's fur pie and Muller's quivering mound of love pudding.
Monday 2 July 2012
Senior News International staff undergo memory tests
It has been announced today that staff at News International will undergo cognitive memory loss tests, after it was discovered that the vast majority of staff forget important information really easily.
This follows the Leveson enquiry when, after being pressed, important members of staff could not seem to remember really important information, which the vast majority of the public would definitely remember. Information such as hacking into phones or signing off private detectives to work for the company could not be remembered despite this being information that most ordinary people would have no problem remembering themselves.
However, perhaps more surprisingly, is that News International staff could remember random non-important information such as whose shagging who in TOWIE or Natalie Cassidy's weight loss programme, which often forms the basis of their news articles.
When asked about these tests at News International, Rupert Murdoch, who signed off these cognitive memory tests, stated that he didn't remember any conversation taking place about them.
This follows the Leveson enquiry when, after being pressed, important members of staff could not seem to remember really important information, which the vast majority of the public would definitely remember. Information such as hacking into phones or signing off private detectives to work for the company could not be remembered despite this being information that most ordinary people would have no problem remembering themselves.
However, perhaps more surprisingly, is that News International staff could remember random non-important information such as whose shagging who in TOWIE or Natalie Cassidy's weight loss programme, which often forms the basis of their news articles.
When asked about these tests at News International, Rupert Murdoch, who signed off these cognitive memory tests, stated that he didn't remember any conversation taking place about them.
Holmes loses out on Best Actress after Cruise divorce
Katie Holmes is set to miss out on an Oscar for Best Actress after announcing that she will be divorcing her husband Tom Cruise.
She will miss out on the Best Actress award despite spending six years working on an epic film called 'My Husband is Gay.'
The film has taken a lot of Ms Holmes' time, with this meaning that she has featured in precisely no films since late 2006 when she started work on 'My Husband is Gay.'
The plot of 'My Husband is Gay' follows a former teenage actress star who falls in love with and marries an aging short film star. However, all is not as it seems, as this aging short film star actually believes that extraterrestrial civilizations and alien interventions created Earth and is also secretly gay.
The story then begins to unravel as the aging short film star makes his wife do bizarre things due to his beliefs, such as not taking drugs during the birth of her first child and trying to abduct the child so she can learn about the story of Xenu, while getting his hands on as much cock as humanly possible behind Ms Holmes' back.
Following the Holmes-Cruise divorce, Kelly Preston, wife of John Travolta, is favourite for the Best Actress Oscar for her film 'My Husband is Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Gay.' Ms Preston has spent 21 years working on the film which follows a little-known actress that has to deal with over 20 years of unprecedented bumming from her husband who is so gay that his obvious homosexuality is no longer really a secret.
The film has taken a lot of Ms Holmes' time, with this meaning that she has featured in precisely no films since late 2006 when she started work on 'My Husband is Gay.'
The plot of 'My Husband is Gay' follows a former teenage actress star who falls in love with and marries an aging short film star. However, all is not as it seems, as this aging short film star actually believes that extraterrestrial civilizations and alien interventions created Earth and is also secretly gay.
The story then begins to unravel as the aging short film star makes his wife do bizarre things due to his beliefs, such as not taking drugs during the birth of her first child and trying to abduct the child so she can learn about the story of Xenu, while getting his hands on as much cock as humanly possible behind Ms Holmes' back.
Following the Holmes-Cruise divorce, Kelly Preston, wife of John Travolta, is favourite for the Best Actress Oscar for her film 'My Husband is Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Gay.' Ms Preston has spent 21 years working on the film which follows a little-known actress that has to deal with over 20 years of unprecedented bumming from her husband who is so gay that his obvious homosexuality is no longer really a secret.
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