Leak Claims Heathrow's Christmas Failure Was On The Cards

In the wake of Heathrow Airport's shocking inability to handle the winter weather, a snitchy insider has claimed that those in charge of the laughing stock of the air travel industry were always going to show their incompetence and inability to deal with the chaos after they failed to organise a successful pre-Christmas party for BAA staff in a local brewery.

According to the whistle-blower, who wishes to remain anonymous, "the bosses at Heathrow decided to take the majority of staff employed at the airport to a local brewery in order to have a knees-up before the busy Christmas period set in."

Upon arriving at the brewery, however, the employees soon realised that those in charge of Heathrow had made several huge blunders, despite having been their all afternoon organising the festivities.

Our insider claims that "the guys in charge had been boasting about the £6 million they had invested in alcohol (both beer and cider, as well as alcopops), various Christmas compilation CDs, party poppers and cleaning products for any drunken mishaps. They seemed very confident that they knew what was coming, and they had certainly had enough notice, it's not like the party crept up on them. We had one last year too."

It became painfully apparent, though, that the bosses were failing miserably at organising this particular piss-up in a brewery. Our source claims that:

Somebody spilt a drink that left a puddle in the middle of the room, and it sent the place into meltdown. The bosses shut everything down: they turned off the music, turned up the lights, and locked the doors. They stood around debating which tissue paper to use to soak it up, all the while keeping us pinned against the walls at the edge of the room in a long line. After three hours the puddle was finally removed, but afterwards the music was only played at half the volume, and they ushered us through to the drinks table two at a time, with a full two minute gap between each departure from the line. They even called people who were planning to attend the party later in the evening to not bother travelling to the brewery as there was no point, they wouldn't get a drink in time. It was insane! Everyone had sobered up by the time they had got back to the dancefloor - no one was where they wanted to be.

When the party had finished, and everybody vacated the building to the car park, a light snow had started to fall. It is reported that a few employees looked at each other with concerned faces, but the bosses soon put them ease, claiming "it's fine, we've invested millions in snow clearing equipment, we're organised and ready."

David Cameron "not to be trusted" after pub quiz row

Prime Minister David Cameron has been called "untrustworthy" and accused of cheating by back-bench Lib Dem MPs after a questionable win in the first ever Coalition government pub quiz.

Mr Cameron's team called the "Eton Massive", which included George Osborne and Boris Johnson, were declared the winners after getting nearly 90 per cent of their answers correct.

However, the manner of their win has been questionned by Lib Dem MPs that no-one's ever heard of, after one of them spotted George Osborne using his BlackBerry throughout the quiz, especially during the popular culture and current affairs rounds.

One Lib Dem MP, who does not wish to be named, said, "George Osborne can't answer basic questions about the economy, let alone popular culture questions like who won this year's X-Factor."

Another anonymous Lib Dem MP said, "I saw all of them cheating throughout. Boris Johnson even tried to distract everyone with his incoherent rambling as Cameron and Osborne looked up the answers on their phones."

Deflecting blame away for their actions David Cameron blamed the former Labour government for their supposed cheating, which he feels was brought about by a decline in what he calls "ethical behaviour in pub quiz competition."

He said, "Under the previous Labour government cheating in quizzes has accelerated to record highs. As far as I'm concerned they took their eye off the ball and let this sort of disgraceful behaviour consistently happen under their watch."

Despite numerous complaints throughout the evening, Quizmaster Nick Clegg did nothing to stop or address the blatant cheating.

Insiders said the Deputy Prime Minister ignored the protests and tried to calm his fellow Lib Dem MPs down by stating that they needed to get along with their Conservative colleagues to create a better pub quiz environment for future generations.

Lib Dem MPs, dismayed by Nick Clegg letting the Conservative Party do whatever they want, have threatened to never participate in another pub quiz and called for the Deputy Prime Minister to resign from his position as Quizmaster.

One Lib Dem MP said, "This blatant disregard for other people and uneccessary cheating by the Prime Minister and Chancellor during the pub quiz will not be tolerated. We have had enough of standing in the background and complaining to Nick Clegg about their actions while he does nothing. This will be the last pub quiz I attend."

DJ Tim Westwood being treated for shock

Radio One DJ Tim Westwood is in hospital being treated for shock after discovering for the first time in his life that he isn't black.

Mr Westwood made the discovery after looking into a mirror at the Radio One studio and realising he actually has light skin instead of the dark skin he previously believed.

After making this discovery Tim Westwood fainted and had to be woken up by Fearne Cotton before being sent to a local hospital.

When Mr Westwood woke up he initially showed signs of aggression, but was calmed down after being shot with a tranquillizer. Once calm it was explained to him by a medical team that he wasn't black and would have to start a new life as a normal middle-aged white man.

Tim Westwood is making steps towards accepting his whiteness, but is still in a state of shock over discovering he isn't black.

An inside source says, "Mr Westwood still breaks into random raps and sometimes goes into long monologues about how his people have been suppressed for years. However, on the whole, he is making a good recovery from the initial shock."

Psychologists are working around the clock with intensive sessions that explain Tim Westwood's family tree in great detail proving that he did not descend from Jamaica as previously thought.

Steady progress is already made and it's hoped by the end of this week he will use the word "sick" to describe illness rather than using it to approve of something.

Paris Hilton in North Korean labour camp

Socialite and sex tape star Paris Hilton has been sent to a North Korean labour camp after trying to become Kim Jong-Il's best friend.

Ms Hilton wanted to become the North Korean dictator's friend after hearing about his vast fortune, luxury homes, lavish parties and impressive entourage. She had also heard about how "super-popular" Kim Jong-Il is to the North Korean people.

However, her plan to become his best friend failed spectacularly after Paris started singing pro-American songs while drunk and partying with Kim Jong-Il and his crew.

When being sent to the labour camp Paris questioned Kim Jong-Il's actions saying "it was like totally unfair". But this angered the "dear leader" more who increased Hilton's labour camp sentence.

News of Paris Hilton's sentence has spread to the White House with Kim Jong-Il leaving a message for President Barack Obama, which read:

"Fucka you Obama and fucka you America. I haba Paris Hirton, the symbor of America capitarism. You wirr withdraw your support from South Korea or Ms Hirton wirr be kirred."

The President has since responded with the following statement:

"I honestly don't care you stupid little man. No-one likes her anyway."

Following Obama's response, Paris Hilton sent an urgent message to all her followers via Twitter pleading with them to rescue her from North Korea. However, Hilton's followers are not the smartest and think North Korea is ten miles outside Las Vegas.

Coalition Government Disbands Over Shambolic Secret Santa

The UK has tonight been plunged into yet another political crisis as the coalition government has dramatically disbanded over a shambolic Secret Santa involving the most senior government ministers.

According to breaking reports, the Secret Santa was organised by Nick Clegg and involved David Cameron, George Osborne, Theresa May, William Hague, Vince Cable, Eric Pickles and, naturally, Nick Clegg himself. Each person put their names into a hat and were then drawn out to much secrecy and giggles, before each of them scurried off into the streets of London to buy a present worth between £5 and £10.

Cracks started to show immediately though, as Vince Cable was seen giving Nick Clegg two packs of cigarettes in order to change people with him. Nick Clegg had promised not to change his mind, and to adhere to the bond of secrecy that unites a Secret Santa scheme, but naturally, he was lying, and accepted Mr. Cable's offer.

Eric Pickles then entered the House of Commons during a live televised debate and started to ask aloud if anyone had an ideas about what to get David Cameron for Christmas. Sadly, the Prime Minister was watching the the debate live on Sky News and erupted into an uncontrollable rage at finding out who had drawn his name out of the hat. Part of this anger was also aimed at the fact that he had drawn Nick Clegg, and he knew that whatever he bought his deputy he would say he loved it with all of his heart even if he hated it.

It is believed that everyone wanted to draw Theresa May so they could just get £10 worth of 'bits' from Lush because, as Ms. May said herself, "girls love that shit." Sadly, though, George Osborne drew Ms. May, and having no sense of reality, he decided to buy her an Eton scarf made of cashmere worth £200.

By the time all 8 members of the Secret Santa reconvened, it had become painfully clear that it had become a shambles. David Cameron blamed his Liberal counterparts, saying that they were just happy to be there and didn't care about taking it seriously, while Nick Clegg blamed his Tory colleagues for being out of touch, being quoted as saying "Secret Santa's always fall apart, it's inevitable. The Tories are just so out of touch to have not seen this coming."

The glorious coalition, then, has now disbanded with huff and a whimper. As it stands, a group of protesting, anarchist students are currently running the country after shitting on the Cenotaph and beheading the statue of Winston Churchill in the name of education. David Cameron has wished his successors good luck, noting that "apparently no one is fit to run the country, so I'd quite like to see some pathetic, moaning students have their souls ground into Earth until they choke on their Topman discount."

Eric Pickles to eat homeless families as part of new Coalition plans

As local councils across the UK await funding cuts from the coalition government, it has been revealed by government sources that Eric Pickles will be allowed to eat homeless families as part of the new Localism bill.

Under the new bill councils will not be obliged to house homeless families and instead they will be transported to Mr Pickles' house where he will eat them.

Speaking about the bill while scoffing two meat pies, mashed potato, chips, a curry, sausages, black pudding, three fried eggs, onion rings, doughnuts and some Haribo, the Communities Secretary said, "It's not the government's resposnibility to house the poor and those in need of help, but it is their responsibility to ensure that important people like myself are fed properly."

He continued, "Nobody wants to see homeless families on the streets and nobody likes being homeless and poor, so we felt the best thing to do was to send all homeless families to my house where they will be cooked and eaten by myself."

He finished by saying, "I have taken what David and George have said into consideration and understand we all have to make sacrifices during this economic crisis. My sacrifice is giving up eating traditional meat and instead feasting on homeless families."

Commenting on Mr Pickles' plans, Prime Minister David Cameron was full of praise for his selfless attitude towards cutting the deficit.

He said, "Eric is a true patriot for this country, possibly even a hero. He is the perfect person to have standing against the gluttenous, greedy and disgusting individuals that got us into this mess in the first place."

Mr Cameron later went on to say that he too would be making sacrifices. Instead of hiring a personal assistant, he would be appointing Nick Clegg to do the job as part of his role as Deputy Prime Minister.

X-Factor finalists One Direction reach puberty

There has been more controversy in the X-Factor this week, as it has been exclusively revealed that members of the boy-band One Direction have all reached puberty.

This is set to scupper the final act's chance of winning the competition as their high pitch voices have now been replaced by a deep, droning and unattractive noise.

The news was broken this week by the "voice of the people" The Sun after it was revealed from an inside source that the boy-band had all shown Cher Lloyd their freshly grown pubes.

The latest twist in the competition will no doubt come as a shock to the legion of One Direction fans who are aware of how reaching puberty can affect people's personality and behaviour.

Reaching puberty has already affected all members of the boy-band. One inside source said, "They won't get out of bed and when they're up all they do is try humping every girl in sight. The curly haired one even tried it on with Dannii Minogue!"

As his remaining act, Simon Cowell is said to be devastated by the news. Speaking exclusively to the X-Factor magazine, "They were in rehearsals singing another Westlife cover then suddenly all of their voices broke."

Mr Cowell is reported to be worried about how this revelation will affect their chances, "I'm really worried about my money...I mean boys. They've really worked hard for my money....I mean themselves, and they really want to make me money....I mean fans proud. They don't want to let my money down....I mean their fans down. Money."

Frenzied Bid To Become Totally PC Ends With China Declaring War On UK

The latest attempt by the PC-police to clean up our racist and hate fuelled society has ended with China declaring war on the United Kingdom.

It all started last month, when a group of moaning hippy do-gooders demanded that the government make some changes to our society in order to try and please every single gender, social class and subculture and race in the world. They claimed that "it was the British thing to do, and we shouldn't let anyone down. We hate it when people get upset."

After weeks of arduous, grinding meetings, several major changes were made to improve life in the UK in order to make everything more harmonious. Firstly, Mince Pies were renamed 'Christmas Cakes' in order to avoid offending homosexuals. Secondly, The White Album by The Beatles was removed from shelves across the countries as it was deemed to be too racist to too many people.

Next, for the same reason, the term 'black coffee' was forever banished from the land. Whiteboards in schools and offices have been removed because it is racist against white people, and for similar reasons, they could not be replaced with blackboards; instead, people were just encouraged to write on the walls and paint over their words when they were done.

Furthermore, the rhyme "knick-knack paddy whack" was banned as it was claimed it could insight violence against the Irish. The term "brain-storming" was also banished as it was thought to be offensive to sufferers of epilepsy. And under no circumstances whatsoever was anyone allowed to smile or, heaven forbid, laugh, when mentioning religion.

During the new conference to reveal these changes to life in the UK, however, Prime Minister David Cameron seemed baffled by the changes, and claimed that "it's all Chinese to me." Within seconds, the Chinese government had declared war on the UK via Twitter on the grounds of 'racial hatred and the presumption that the Chinese language is difficult to understand.' D-Cam, though, claimed that he would treat this threat as Chinese whispers until a bomb landed in Downing Street.

Sepp Blatter To Be Guest X-Factor Final Judge

Megalomaniac media mogul multi-millionaire Simon Cowell announced today at a press conference that under fire FIFA president Sepp Blatter is to be a celebrity guest judge for the X-Factor Final on Saturday night.

The decision was initially met with fierce criticism, with most skeptics pointing out that Mr. Blatter has no credentials to be judging a karaoke competition and simply shouldn't be there, to which Mr. Cowell simply responded "well Danni Minogue is on the panel and what the fuck has she ever done?"

Every journalist simultaneously responded with a "true dat", but continued to press for answers, unconvinced as they were with the choice seeing as previous celebrity judges this series have included Katy Perry and Nicole Scherzinger.

It was at this stage that Mr. Cowell stood up and claimed that he was going to "simply cut to the chase", claiming that "the X-Factor wants its corruption and result fixing to be completely transparent, we want our fans to know with question that they are literally being spoon fed music and artists that are deemed to be cool and cutting edge by middle aged men in offices."

After complete silence had descended over the ravenous journalists, Mr. Cowell continued that "Sepp Blatter is president of arguably the most corrupt organisation in the world. He's a special talent, and his performance during the World Cup bidding decision last week simply took my breath away. It was the most assured, composed and confident display of shameless corruption I have ever seen; it was the best audition I have ever seen. I knew that if we had him on board for the final show on Saturday then there was no way that the public votes would have any say in the result: Sepp will take of things in his own way, allowing us to choose which ever contestant we feel will make us most money."

Cowell then gave the salivating media the finger and disappeared under a cloud of smoke. Representatives of the X-Factor then slithered their way throught the crowd reassuring them that people should still pay to vote in their millions as anything could happen on the night.*

*Your interpretation of 'anything could happen on the night' may be different to that of Simon Cowell's.

Silvio Berlusconi to star in MTV style dating show

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is set to star in a new MTV style dating show called "Silvio's Sexy Sluts."

The programme invites 12 'babes' in love with Silvio's smooth charm, good looks and charisma into his Italian home for a series of challenges that test their dedication to him. The winner of "Silvio's Sexy Sluts" will be awarded with a role in the Italian government and the enviable title as one of Mr Berlusconi's many girlfriends.

The show's selection process is gruelling and was often too much for some of the contestants to take. In the first week the 'babes' were tasked with pleasuring Silvio until he yelled the show's catchphrase "Mama Mia!" The girl that did not make him cry out "Mama Mia!" was asked to leave the mansion and paid off with the appropriate amount of money for not selling her story to the Italian press.

Despite the honest intentions of the show, it has been riddled with allegations of in-fighting and corruption. One Russian candidate donated by Soviet Overlord Vladmir Putin was accused of trying to buy Mr Berlusconi for her safe passage through to the next round, two girls of Greek and Turkish origin were seriously injured in the naked wrestling contest and three Italian ladies poured pasta over each other during the cook-off.

When asked about these controversies on the show the Italian Prime Minister replied, "What's da matta wid you, you gotta no respect" before leaving to judge a wet t-shirt contest.

Jens Lehman's Film Reviews For Laymans: Unstoppable

So, the moral of Unstoppable is:

If your marriage is failing and your wife has a restraining order on you seeing her or your child, risk your life chasing down a runaway train and she will love you again.

Sepp Blatter Revealed To Be High Class Hooker

FIFA has been sent into meltdown tonight as it has been revealed that their president, Sepp Blatter, is in fact a high class female prostitute. The shock revelation was discovered in the fall out of the 2018 and 2022 World Cup bidding announcement in Zurich, Switzerland.

Mrs Blatter, or Slutty Swiss Miss to give her professional name, was caught by cleaners giving 'celebratory blowjobs' to the representatives of the Russian and Qatari bid teams after FIFA had controversially awarded them the world cups in 2018 and 2022, respectively. The cleaners then raised the alarm to everyone else in the building, drawing fury and anger from the spurned countries who had had their dreams of holding the greatest sporting event in the world rejected.

Upon learning of Mrs Blatter's dark secret, an English bid team member by the name of Prince William, and the future king of England David Beckham, lashed out. Prince William slammed Blatter, claiming that "we should have known all along, the signs were there for all to see. Mrs Blatter welcomed the advances of numerous groups of men from across the globe, complimenting them on their bids, telling them how impressive their infrastructure was and how she loved their broad shoulders and shimmering eyes. He led us on and broke our heart."

David Beckham went one further, saying that "we wasted so much money trying to buy his love and affection. We spent millions trying to impress her and her whorish friends, and they lapped it up. They flirted like crazy with us and played with our balls, but when push came to shove they all chose the two who threw the most money at them, and sadly, that wasn't us."

The Australian, American, Dutch & Belgian, Spanish & Portuguese and Japanese bid teams all vented their anger too, but it was Prince William's final summary that summed it all up perfectly: "this just confirms that Sepp Blatter and her FIFA whores will do whatever you want as long as you throw enough money at them. They will suck your balls dry and give you a World Cup, you've just got to stump up enough cash to pay for it all."

Energy bills drop dramatically in FIFA HQ

Amid the news that FIFA has awarded Russia and Qatar with the 2018 and 2022 World Cups, it has been exclusively revealed that energy bills have dropped dramatically at the football federation's HQ.

Compared to last year's massive bill, this year's has only comes in at 10 euros. When asked about the questionnable energy bill, Sepp Blatter, sporting a new diamond encrusted gold watch, explained that the weather in Switzerland had been kind to them this year and how they don't like using electrical appliances in the office, as he strolled through the five sets of automatic doors.

Mr. Blatter, sporting more hair than usual after expensive surgery, went on to state, "FIFA HQ are part of a direct debit scheme that allows the company to claim back any money at the end of the year if we have paid all of our bills on time. What can I say we have a good admin department!"

At this point the President of FIFA started laughing showing off a brand new gold grill, diamond rings on his fingers, gold chain round his neck and pimp stick with a ruby on top. When a British journalist questioned the bid process, Sepp Blatter called him a "wanker" and walked off sporting his new three-piece suit and jewell encrusted crown.

He then received what he claimed was a bag of laundry from a Russian official by the name of Dimiti Corruptov marked "Rubles", which is apparently the French for laundry.

As journalists left the conference room Mr. Blatter was spotted signing for a package, which he later claimed was footballs for African children, from a Qatar official called Saeed Al-Corruptawi.

In other non-related news FIFA has also formed a new partnership with several oil firms in Middle-East and Russian territories. Blatter has since explained that this is the next logical development to expand football across the world.

Wikileaks set to reveal the obvious once again

Whistle-blowing site of the obvious, Wikileaks, is set to reveal more 'shocking' truths next week in further fresh revelations.

This follows a week in which the website exclusively revealed America is wary of Iran, members of the Royal Family are slightly racist (and a bit dodgy), most governments think Kim Jong-Il is mental, the US and British governments backed each other during the Iraq War and that people are slightly worried about Pakistan's Nuclear Weapons falling into the wrong hands.

However, all of these 'shocking' revelations are going to seem mildly surprising in comparison to next week's Wikileaks announcements. These will include the following:

- We are in a recession.
- The French like to strike....a lot.
- The Chinese government censor the internet and have a poor human rights record.
- Obama is black.
- David Cameron and George Osborne both went to Eton and are a bit posh.
- Berlusconi is a womaniser with a particular fondness for young ladies.
- Sarkozy is short.
- Sarah Palin isn't very intelligent.
- Neither is Bush.
- Dappy from N-Dubz is a chav.
- Freddie Mercury was a homosexual who liked to sleep around.
- George Michael likes to visit Hampstead Heath on a regular basis, while having a cheeky smoke.
- Bill Gates is really, really rich.
- Osama Bin-Laden is hiding somewhere.
- Simon Cowell is destroying the music industry.
- It has snowed in Britain.

Wikileaks was going to release stories about the pope being Catholic and bears shitting in the woods, but thought this would be too much for people to take.

Daily Mail Journalists Fight For Cleaner Media

A fun loving group of Daily Mail journalists have today started a campaign to eliminate the presence of sexually suggestive journalism across all forms of British media.

The group of seven journalists have called themselves 'Children Come First', and claim that they are motivated by 'the urge to rid modern day media of the filth and degradation in content that has led to the corruption of our children, as well as the rise in teenage pregnancy and divorce figures.'

In a group statement, Children Come First claim:

"For too long now pedlars of filth and smut have become an accepted element in our society, and they have been spreading their ejaculations to all comers. These words and thoughts have been dripping with double entendres, an their articles have been thrust into our faces, and the faces of our children, and we've been forced to swallow it all because we're too polite to spit it out and say no.

Us fully grown adults can only blame ourselves, but for these words to penetrate the supple, warm minds of our children, sliding inside unhindered because they don't know what's going on - that is simply unacceptable. We have already seen that when these sleaze munchers force themselves onto our children, either with the work of their fingers or orally, they become corrupted very quickly and end up getting pregnant with the child of an illegal immigrant, and then get married and divorced, all before the age of 15. Because of all this, it's up to us here to beat off this competition for decency, not matter how stiff and hard it may be; we must persevere and fight for what's right. It's up to us to make sure that Children Come First."

Children Come First's mission statement has been met with a mixed reaction, however, as some have viewed their actions being too hard and penetrating, and will make people sit uncomfortably, while others say that the journalists are too soft and their words are far too limp and flaccid to be able to bang society into any changes. Either way, the balls are in motion and the issue will certainly become a handful.

Bose Study Reveals Most Frequently Switched Off Songs

A year long study by Bose has unearthed the songs that are most frequently switched off by men and women respectively. The study took 18 months to complete and cost around £1.7 million in total, but the results and the conclusions drawn from it look set to blow open the gender war once again.

According to the study, the song most likely to be switched off by women is Your Song, by Elton John. Of greatest interest, though, is that all of the women who took part in the study turned this song off at exactly the same point. The point in question is in the very first verse:

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but -

As a Bose tea boy, who happens to be a psychology graduate, explains: "When Elton muttered his humble, poor 'but', every woman in the survey turned off the stereo. It was uncanny. When they knew that the voice singing the tenderly loving words was actually a poor man, they just lost interest completely. The 'but' became irrelevant, as there is simply no argument: no money, no hope."

In contrast, the song most likely to be switched off by men is Wannabe, by the Spice Girls. As with the women in the study, the men all turned off this song at exactly the same point. This point was:

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends -

The same tea-boy-psychology graduate-insider revealed that "when the men heard a chirpy, flirty female voice saying that a man would have to socialise with her friends before they could become lovers, they instantly lost interest and switched the song off. Men think it's boring enough trying to cement a sexual relationship with a woman on a one-on-one basis, let alone having to get the approval of her friends before anything can happen. It's just simply not worth it, and the results reflect that."

Naturally, men and women around the country have been debating the results, with women complaining to their boyfriends and husbands that all they want is sex and don't care about their friends and their relationship, while men keep telling their girlfriends and wives to shut up and get into bed. It soon appeared, though, that most of these arguments were resolved when the men popped out and bought their women a nice present before they hopped into the sack and forgot all their problems.

Nick Clegg refuses to give children Xmas presents despite promises

Nick Clegg, Deputy Prime Minister and Tea Boy for the Coalition government, has sensationally refused to give his children any Christmas presents this year despite promises being made for lots of presents in April.

Nick Clegg also revealed that he never had any intention of giving his children Christmas presents and made the promise so they would behave themselves and vote for him for the Daddies Sauce Dad of the Year award previously won by John Terry.

Nick Clegg has faced criticism following this revelation. But has insisted that this change of heart had nothing to do with gathering votes for the Dad of the Year award in May and was instead due to the fact that the demands of his children for presents were too high.

Defending his actions, Nick Clegg claimed, "The price of Christmas presents have gone up significantly under the Labour government for the past 13 years. In 1996 I could get away with a Buzz Lightyear toy, but now I have to buy the Kinect for the X-Box. In April I was not made aware of the price of the Kinect for the X-Box, but now I am, it is something that I can simply not afford."

Nick Clegg has been threatened with angry opposition from his children who have protested against the lack of Christmas presents by refusing to do their homework or eat their vegetables at the dinner table.

In an effort to calm down the children, Clegg's wife stepped in and informed them that Father Christmas will be able to provide them with plenty of presents to make up for her useless husband. However, Uncle David Cameron later told the children that the annual visit of Father Christmas to millions of homes in Britain had been axed as part of the budget cuts.

Arsene Wenger Spends A Day Abusing Fan At Work

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was today given unrivalled access in to the life of an Arsenal season ticket holder who verbally abused him from the stands throughout the second half of his teams shock defeat to Champions League favourites Spurs.

It is believed that a club insider tracked down the name and address of the fan (Gaz McGeezer) and handed it to Mr. Wenger, who has proceeded to track the fan down and follow him around for the day, verbally insulting him and criticising his decision making skills.

The day started badly for Mr. McGeezer, who has recently had his wife leave him, taking their children with him. As such he was late waking up in the morning, and as he left his house Mr. Wenger jumped out of his car and started shouting "WHERE'S YOUR WIFE? WHERE'S YOUR WIFE YOU FAT W*NKER?!" Mr. McGeezer looked on in a stunned silence, before Mr. Wenger continued "WHERE'S YOUR KIDS YOU STUPID C*NT? WHERE'S YOUR F*CKING KIDS?", before singing "GOT NO WIFE, GOT NO KIDS, GOT NO WIFE, GOT NO KIDS!" clapping along and smiling.

Mr. McGeezer, a mechanic, then arrived at work to begin his day. Mr. Wenger took up a seat in the corner of the garage and monitored Mr. McGeezer's movements closely. The morning dragged, with little action, so Mr. Wenger was forced to just shout out the occasional "W*NKER" or "YOU'RE SH*T, McGEEZER!" After every outburst Mr. Wenger would smile broadly to himself at a job well done.

In the afternoon a customer pulled into the garage claiming that Mr. McGeezer hadn't done a satisfactory job on her brakes. A delighted Mr. Wenger jumped up and started singing "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING", all the while making every hand gesture under the sun. When Mr. McGeezer approached his work colleagues they distanced themselves from his shoddy work, causing Mr. Wenger to bellow "YOUR SUPPORT IS F*CKING SH*T!!"

After correcting his mistake, the customer drove off to the echoes of "WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY, WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY!" emanating from Mr. Wenger's throat. Mr. Wenger then threw a coin at Mr. McGeezer's head, dropping him to the floor with a gaping cut on his head. As work colleagues came to Mr. McGeezer's aid, Mr Wenger let off a red flare and held it aloft triumphantly before pointing at Mr. McGeezer and making a cut throat gesture. A mentally exhausted Mr' McGeezer finally asked, "Why are you doing this?", to which Mr. Wenger replied, "it's all part of the game sunshine, innit."

NEWS OF THE WORLD EXCLUSIVE: PUDSEY THE PAEDO

The whole of the UK is in shock after it was exclusively revealed yesterday by the News of the World that Pudsey the Bear is a convicted paedophile.

An undercover News of the World reporter disguised as a sheik enticed Pudsey with an array of children from different ethnic backgrounds in a secret meeting at a hotel in London. The undercover sting occurred after the newspaper learned that Pudsey, or Mr Bear as he was known to his pupils, was sacked by a top public school for sexual activity with a minor known as Gideon Osborne.

Pudsey has since reinvented himself as the mascot for Children in Need by sporting the trademark bandage over the right eye as a cunning disguise fooling the millions of viewers that watch the tedious 6 hour programme every November.

One former pupil said, "I didn't recognise him at all, but now he's removed that bandage it all makes perfect sense."

In light of these revelations the Daily Mail has today published a story that claims Pudsey the Bear is an illegal immigrant from Iraq called Pudsee Al-Bearzari, who lives in a five bedroom house in Hampstead, but still collects benefits from the UK taxpayer. While the Daily Express has suggested that Mr Bear was involved in both the death of Princess Diana and the kidnapping of Madeline McCann.

The Sun has also launched a campaign to raise awareness of paedophilic bears in the local community called 'Bear Watch.' The campaign has already questioned Winnie the Pooh's relationship with Christopher Robin and accused him of beastiality with a piglet.

Kings of Leon Disband After Disappearing Up Own Arseholes

The once great rock band Kings of Leon have disbanded with immediate effect after it was revealed that they have disappeared up their own arseholes. The news has come as a shock to some, but no surprise at all to others.

It is reported that during the recording of the band's fourth album, Only By The Night, lead singer Caleb Followill confessed to his bandmates/family members that he had been experimenting with sticking his index finger into his own anus. This then naturally led to the insertion of more fingers, followed by the whole fist, and then even the arm itself up to the elbow. After waxing lyrical about how amazing his own rectum was, the entire band followed suit, each finding the feel and smell incredibly moreish.

As this activity bordered on addiction, it is believed that Nathan Followill suggested that the band focus on actually trying to make music that actually had meaning and heart again. The concerns were laughed off, though, and the band went on to write Sex on Fire, Cold Desert and 17.

By the time the band came to record the follow up album Come Around Sundown, they were now completely immersed in their own arseholes, and Caleb was quoted at the time as saying "fuck it, let's just put any old shit out, the casuals are lapping this crap up." They managed to pull themselves out for a brief spell to record the video for the single Radioactive, in which they frolic with numerous black children, showing them a good time with their big rock star hearts, playing football with them, running through sprinklers, eating a tasty lunch and flying kites and such. The usual.

But now they have disappeared completely, fans have been reacting the world over. One fan claimed that "their first two albums are like a gift from a musical God, they were so raw, unique and different to anything else around at the time, even now. They did let their standards drop a bit, but now we know why we can try and learn the lessons and not disappear up our own arseholes."

Another fan, who was unaware of the band's disappearance simply commented; WWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SEX ON FIRE WOOOOOOO YEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

Jens Lehman's Film Reviews For Laymans: Pretty Woman

So, the moral of Pretty Woman is:

If you sleep with as many men as you possibly can, then maybe one day you'll meet a rich businessman who will pay you to be his girlfriend.

Jens Lehman's Film Reviews For Laymans: Beauty and the Beast

So, the moral of Beauty and the Beast is:

Take a gamble on ugly, aggressive people because one day they might become handsome and you can live in a castle.

Jens Lehman's Film Reviews For Laymans: Dirty Dancing

So, the moral of Dirty Dancing is:

If you fancy a bad boy rebel dancer who wears sunglasses indoors at night, just get Daddy to pay for his friend's abortion and he will be forced to love you.

Irish Government Apologises For Jedward

The Irish Government has today sent out a public, heartfelt apology to the world for having spawned the crap-pop-freak show Jedward. The apology was particularly aimed the people of the UK, who have had to suffer this inhuman blight more than anyone else on the planet.

Having remained silent from their first appearance on the X-Factor until now, the Irish government felt it was finally time to distance themselves from the hyperactive homoerotic twins from Dublin. Speaking on behalf of the nation, Irish president Mary McAleese said:

The time has come for the Irish nation to apologise for these two identical dickheads. We're sorry. We know they had a bit of that freak show interest at first, that whole 'are they actually real people?' aura about them. The massive hair, the bouncing off the walls, the fact that neither of them could get one-third of the way through a sentence without the other one joining in - we're sorry. And their songs. Fuck. We're so sorry. They have no talent, we know that, but they got through passport control our end and scurried onto X-Factor where any old bugger can make it. But still - we're sorry.

Ms McAleese offered two shards of glorious hope, however. Firstly, she said that the Irish people had been given the chance to nominate one of their own to scour the globe looking for Jedward in order to behead them with a blunt, rusty machete. The Irish people chose Gerrard Butler. It was soon pointed out that the hunky actor is actually Scottish, but everyone agreed that he sounded Irish and that would do. Plus, he's King Leonidas.

However, even if the sickening, spring-loaded cretins manage to avoid Gerrard Butler, it was also revealed that they have a dangerously high level of crap running through their veins, which simultaneously explains the lack of talent, intelligence and inability to speak. As the levels of crap increase rapidly with every pseudo-hip hop remix of an otherwise harmless song, Jedward move ever closer to their own oblivion. And then all will be quiet, and we will enjoy the silence. For a minute or two. Silence. Soon.

Wearing flip-flops during winter makes you cold not cool

In light of the most recent trend in the student world, it has been exclusively revealed by scientists that wearing flip-flops during winter makes them cold, not cool.

The news will come as a shock to students who see this fashion accessory as the ultimate trend during winter; not only proving that they are cool, but also 'hard' and resistant to any weather, especially on their feet during the cold, harsh winter.

Scientists made this discovery after doing numerous tests on students and how their feet reacted to cold weather when they were wearing flip-flops. The students used during the study tried to show their resistance to the cold weather but eventually showed their pain, proving that most students are pussies.

When told about the latest findings students expressed shock. Tarquin Henry Asquith, an agriculture student from Reading University, said, "Wearing flip-flops is the ultimate fashion accessory. It proves many things, one of them being that you're really hard as cold weather does not affect you. Me and my chums wear flip-flops all the time and we're pretty much the coolest people on campus, all the girls love us."

One student, however, seemed unsurprised, saying, "wearing flip-flops definitely does not make you cool and is really impractical. The other week I was kicking the shit out of a window and I got a shard of glass stuck in my foot. Not cool!"

Pub Clientele Ignore Meaning Of Life Due To Subtitles

The clientele of a pub in Norwich, Suffolk, have allegedly passed up the chance to find out the meaning of life, and the answers to numerous other unanswerable questions, because they chose to ignore what was being said due to the fact that it was delivered in Aramaic with English subtitles.

The incident occurred at approximately 11:30pm in the Red Lion when the pub was nearing maximum capacity. As the customers chatted away and sipped at their drinks, a white vision beamed out on the 50-inch HD ready plasma TV hanging above the bar, stunning the crowd into silence. Before long the face of Jesus Christ appeared, smiling wistfully and winking playfully at those looking back at him in various forms of drunkenness.

It is at this point that The Saviour of the Christians started to tell his audience the meaning of life, revealing why the human race is in existence and what constitutes a successful life. Naturally, Jesus spoke in Aramaic, but had changed the settings on the TV so his words could be read in conjunction with his image via English subtitles. As the foreign words boomed out in Jesus' seductively husky tones, and the subtitles passed at a comfortable rate, some of the crowd grew restless. "Speak English you twat!" shouted one man, while another chimed in with; "We don't want to read, we just want to sit here like idiotic sponges and soak up explosions and sex scenes."

The message continued unabated, though, as Jesus moved onto how the human race can eradicate all forms of warfare and gain world peace, as well as how to cure all known diseases. By this time, however, most of the crowd had returned to their own private conversations or vacated the premises, disgusted as they were with the foreign filth being shown on TV, and the pure cheek of The Saviour for making them read subtitles.

As one man exited through the main doors, he was heard saying to his friend: "This is a joke, why are they showing us foreign language crap? Subtitles are for pretentious faggots, reading is for arty types, I just can't do it. Who was that guy anyway? He's never been on TV before or in any films has he? I'll wait for the Hollywood remake."

Luckily for this ignorant fool, Hollywood is planning a remake of the incident, starring Taylor Lautner as a constantly shirtless, buff Jesus, with no mention of the meaning of life or answers to human conundrum, nor any substance at all. Instead, there will be a rather clichéd, linear romantic storyline in which the buff, super cute Jesus puts his carpentry degree to good use by trying to win over the heart of the sweet but kooky, as well as painfully shy, Mary Magdalene, played by Megan Fox. It is hotly anticipated, and is expected to smash global grossing records.

British Relations With Germany Under Strain Due To Erroneous Emoticon :-s

Having pissed off the majority of the UK, Prime Minister David Cameron has taken to annoying people on the continent. His actions have now caused political relations between Great Britain and Germany to plummet to new lows after a seemingly erroneous emoticon placed in an email to German Chancellor Angela Merkel.

Cameron had been in Berlin for the previous two days, engaging in meetings with his Teutonic counterpart in order to improve trade relations between the two countries. These meetings had widely been reported as being incredibly positive, with two politicians seemingly wanting to actually get a solution to a common problem without simply refusing to budge on their own personal vendettas. However, yesterday evening, having reconvened to his hotel room to freshen up before dinner at a Bratwursthaus, Mr. Cameron sent Ms. Merkel an email asking "Looking forward to the big meat?" At this point, though, instead of inserting a :-) (smiley face), Mr. Cameron accidentally inserted a ;-) (smiley winking face), instantly sending his email from innocent, (public) schoolboy naivety to an email dripping with smut and sleaze.

Upon receiving the email, Ms. Merkel was reportedly thrown into a state of shock and confused arousal at its incredibly suggestive nature. Naturally, Mr. Cameron went straight on the defensive, claiming, "I was in a rush as I had the shower running and I was talking to Sarah on FB chat, and in my haste I didn't hold down the shift key as I pushed down on the colon/semi colon key, and then Bob's your uncle, I look like a pervert."

Ms. Merkel, however, is having none of it, and has immediately closed down all trade links with Great Britain, and has banned all British TV shows from being aired on German television, including Big Break and Bruce Forsyth era The Generation Game.

Mr. Cameron has now returned to British shores where he now hopes to piss off students, nurses and doctors, police officers, teachers, civil servants and dogs. But still, these things need to be done. We salute you O Glorious Leader!

Facebook status updates do not make you more interesting

A new study from social media students at Thames Valley University has exclusively revealed that Facebook updates stating what a person is doing does not make them more interesting. Moreover, the study went on to claim that if anything, constant boring updates about meals, snacks, sitting down, going to bed and having a cup of tea are actually more likely to cause the Facebook user in question to be deleted by a large number of their online buddies.

The news will come as a shock to many Facebook users who seem intent on documenting every aspect of their daily routine through status updates with the belief it will make their boring, tedious lives seem more interesting.

One user who wishes to remain anonymous expressed shock at the finding, "I tell people what I'm doing everyday on Facebook. I think it makes me more interesting, it shows I can turn on a computer and that. But now you've told me this, I just don't know what to believe."

Others seem to be in denial, with one user saying, "This is a load of rubbish. Everyone needs to know what I'm doing at every given opportunity. On average I get five 'likes' per day, which shows people do care."

The person in question then updated their Facebook status, stating, "OMG, jus spoke to sum1 bout Facebook status updates. Hw random? Goin out with ma girlies now. Yay!!!!!!!! :-) :-) :-) ;-) xxxx love ya xxxx"

Government Plan To Sterilise C.O.D. Fans Rumbled

A covert government plan to sterilise overly enthusiastic video games players (geeks) has been uncovered tonight, a matter of hours before it was set to be unleashed on the British public.

According to our sources, the coalition government had planned to use the release of the hotly anticipated video game Call of Duty: Black Ops to carry out a plan to sterilise the thousands of men/man-boys who planned to queue up outside shops and supermarkets in the pissing freezing rain at midnight in order to get a gay little computer game. Keen for this increasingly regular ritual of geekiness to stop, David Cameron gave the green light for an enormous fleet of transit vans to drive to every corner of the country, each equipped with the latest in testicle draining microwave technology. Once parked within range of their specified queue of geeks, the scrotum shrivelling, sperm stifling equipment would have been activated, rendering hundreds of thousands of X-Box 360 and Playstation 3 worshipping balls redundant.

A government source claims that, "those in Westminster have become increasingly concerned in the rapid increase of these "queue-up-like-losers" sessions for every big name title release. It's out of control; we've seen it for FIFA, Pro Evo, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, anything Grand Theft Auto related. It's so out of control now that the release of the new Jonas Brothers Guitar Hero Vs. Robert Pattinson Halo game has been put back due to expected queues outside major entertainment store chains of upto ten miles. It's ridiculous."

The mission to stop these men from being able to bring new life into the world and thus perpetuate the problem has for now been abandoned. A new plan is not necessarily a top priority, however, as the government has been advised that the likelihood of these men ever finding a woman to want to have sex with them, let alone start a family, is slim to none, as they are more concerned with completing every facet of the game before their friends do than with building a relationship with a woman.

Illegal Downloader Sentenced To Death By Cheryl Cole

The owner of a fruit and veg stall in Leighton Buzzard market has today been sentenced to death by Cheryl Cole after being found guilty of illegally downloading her new album 'Messy Little Raindrops' online.

The male offender, who can't be named for legal reasons, was found to have downloaded the masterpiece illegally from the file sharing website Pirate Bay. Having paid no money for the fruit of Mrs Cole's labours, the jury took only 17 seconds to convict the defendant of theft.

The anonymous thief's defense had laid in his claim that "Terry on the stall next to me sells knock-off CDs and DVDs and he told me that the recording artists who make these CDs and the directors and actors who do the films are so rich that it doesn't matter if we download them for free because it won't make any difference to them; their bank accounts are full enough as it is."

This argument fell flat on its arse in the court, though, as you can't sugar coat stealing. The Judge commented that he was aware of the severity of his verdict, but he noted that the defendant's previous convictions for violence meant nobody would miss this individual too much if he was to die. His previous crimes include being prosecuted for GBH after he physically assaulted a twelve year old boy for stealing two bananas, an apple and a grapefruit from his stall: "He was stealing from my livelihood, he was taking money out of my pocket and food out of my mouth", protested the defendant at the time. The Judge said that if the defendant could see the hypocrisy of his actions then he would let him walk free immediately. Sadly, though, the unnamed thief could see no such thing, and stood by his actions completely.

As such, then, the defendant is due to be executed by Cheryl Cole in two weeks time in a ceremony allegedly taking place in a nightclub toilet where the defendant will dress up as a black female toilet attendant before getting battered by Mrs Cole in a bare knuckle frenzy. Fortunately, though, the defendant's schedule for the next two weeks consists of nothing but listening to the work of Mrs Cole (the solo masterpieces and the art of Girls Aloud), so it will be a relatively painless death. Perhaps more pertinently, this case has now set an ominous precedent to two similar cases in the United States, as James Cameron now looks set to be given the green light to stain the skin of three men and two women blue and then fire them out into space for illegally downloading Avatar, and Leonardo Di Caprio looks set to be successful in his bid to feast on the brains of four young fans in order to devour their dreams for illegally downloading Inception.

You have been warned.

I-phone users lose the ability to do anything themselves

Amid the story on Tuesday that claimed millions of i-phone users were late for important meetings and work because their I-phones failed to automatically update the time overnight on Sunday, further reports suggest that users have now lost the ability to do anything for themselves.

I-phone users are turning into confused, angry drones as their i-phones refuse to do any of their basic daily functions that they could do themselves. These include getting dressed, eating, walking, buying stuff (apart from apps), doing basic DIY, drinking, brushing their teeth and bathing.

I-phone users are in outrage and claim the i-phone isn't as great as they once thought. Mark Denman from TOTAL BS Marketing, claims; "I was late to an important meeting because my i-phone didn't change the time for me. I'm a busy man who works hard and plays harder, I don't have time to do any of the other normal shit most plebs do on a daily basis. I expect my i-phone to do this for me."

Bill McCommon from Whitley in Reading also commented, "My i-phone is a bloody disgrace. I was taking a shit the other day and it wouldn't even wipe my arse."

Apple have responded to the i-phone epidemic, nicknamed Apple-Gate by many social commentators, with the following statement: "We are so cool and awesome, if anyone doesn't realise how cool and awesome we are, they can go fuck themselves."

More helpfully, one Apple worker stated that app manufacturers will be working on an app that allows the i-phone to do basic human functions on a regular basis.

We tried speaking to one app manufacturer but they were too busy developing another app that drinks an imaginary pint when the i-phone is tilted to comment.

JLS Fashion Disease Sweeping U.K.

A new fashion craze is sweeping the country faster than the Black Death, with the potential consequences being quoted as 'equally as disastrous.' Those most in danger are teenage boys and young adult men, who are being targeted by High Street stores pushing a range of outfits under the term "JLS", which stands for 'Just Laughably Shit.'

According to medical experts, the process begins with a basic form of brainwashing, in which normal, regular men are led to believe that hideous clothes in ridiculous combinations actually look good. This is primarily achieved through a drip-feeding process via certain celebrities on television and in Heat magazine. Or More magazine. Or Look magazine. Or Cosmopolitan....magazine. Or Shite magazine. When these images are combined with encouraging words from females, the affected men begin the steady descent into JLS. The guilty women feel no shame, though, because they aren't the ones who are going to look like absolute dicks.

Eventually, the poor unfortunate men will be clad in the most ridiculous, unashamedly contrived and chuckle inducing outfits this side of the 80s. To date victims have been seen wearing:

- tight, shiny leather trousers with an equally tight white vest
- drop-crotch jeans, banana jeans or carrot jeans (if you don't know what these are or why they are named as such then you are obviously an idiot and hella uncool)
- scoop neck t-shirts with a neckline that reaches down to the base of the sternum in order to show off a hairless, well built chest, with perfectly defined pecs, with a slight application of baby oil to add that masculine shine
- a selection of brightly coloured braces, worn with one brace up over the right shoulder, and the other brace hanging limply down, naturally
- waistcoats worn over T-shirts
- bright yellow cardigans
- check shirts with purple, green, black, yellow and red all thrown in there because they all compliment each other so well, done all the way up and worn untucked with those previously mentioned food related jeans tucked into garishly coloured high top basketball trainers
- white trilby hats
- white trousers
- fluorescent plimsolls
- just anything that's fluorescent. Retina burning fluorescent. And it doesn't have to match, just thrown together like there's been an explosion in a glow-stick factory, or an exotic bird has vomited all over them
- all trousers must be tucked into some kind of boot
- T-shirts with built in scarfs, because T-shirt weather naturally necessitates the need for a scarf.

- Oh, and sleeveless hoodies. With a zip. Undone. To just below the perfectly defined pecs. Which gleam. With baby oil.

When the victims are dressed in this manner they are at their most vulnerable. Other normal men and women see them out in public in these outfits and all hell breaks loose. Men attack the victims in a blind rage as the colour combinations start to burn their eyes, or in other instances to protect their friends who have fallen to the floor in fits of laughter, which continues unabated until they are in very real danger of rupturing their spleen.

Women, on the other hand, see these men in these outfits and become incensed that the bodies underneath are not perfectly waxed, perfectly toned and sculpted and perfectly perfect. They are in fact rather hairy, pale and carrying pouches of fat. When this scene reveals itself the women leap on the poor victims and literally pull at his face with nails and teeth in order to remove it.

It is believed that this fashion will only go out of fashion when it isn't fashionable anymore with the fashionable types who read fashion magazines. Until then, though, it has been advised to either keep these outfits locked away safely in your homes, or just don't buy them in the first place.

Daily Express: Living gives you cancer

The fountain of xenophobic knowledge and Princess Diana shrine, otherwise known as the Daily Express, has today exclusively revealed that living life gives people cancer. After several day of intensive scientific studies it was discovered that an incredible number of everyday items and activities can actually be the source of the potentially fatal disease. The list was particularly exhaustive, lisitng 204 different sources of cancer from everyday life, but of the most concerning are:

- Chocolate
- Celery
- Red meat
- Too much sex
- Too little sex
- Asylum seekers
- Foreigners
- Left-wing politics
- Homosexuals
- The NHS
- Being a member of the EU
- Being on benefits

The latest article is set to spark fears among the Daily Express' highly intellectual and well-informed readers, most of whom are planning to stop living a life of any remote happiness or enjoyment in order to curb the risk of cancer. Primarily, these highly educated individuals and families will lock themselves in their houses, boarding up all doors and windows and wrapping themselves in multiple layers of clothes and blankets as both wood fires and central heating can apparently cause cancer as well. Once this stage has been reached, these people will refuse to leave their homes for the next two years until the threat of cancer has been significantly reduced, or until Madeline McCann has been found.

The Daily Express went on to suggest that readers first lose the will to live before continuing to read the newspaper for more helpful advice, tips and well-written articles, as this will reduce sudden rises in stress levels at reading such ridiculous news stories, which also cause cancer.

This suggestion goes against the common belief that most people hold as they usually lose the will to live after reading the Daily Express and not beforehand.

Smoking To Be Classed As Extreme Sport

Government ministers have today announced that the act of smoking cigarettes is to be classified as an extreme sport. The continued popularity of the lethal hobby in the face of overwhelming, some might say 'blasé', scientific evidence that it causes death has left many critics mystified; so the new official stance adopted by Parliament is - "just let them get on with it".

The statement released by the government claims that "smokers have been told repeatedly that their actions are highly likely to cause a life threatening disease at some point in their life, yet they just do not listen, so we are washing our hands of them - they can do as they please, they just better not come bleating back to us when things go wrong". In order to make this decision appear less heartless, the government officially granted smoking the status of an extreme sport, so as to appear to offer a gift to the smokers before shunning them. The reasoning for such a move is that like those who partake in bungee jumping, sky-diving or hang-gliding, smokers knowingly partake in an activity with the explicit knowledge that they are heightening the odds of an early death. So when this death does occur, the family and friends of the deceased can now say that at least they died doing what they loved.

A spokesperson for Smokers Have Intelligent Traits has welcomed the news. In a short statement it was claimed that "smokers of the world can now be proud of their bravery in the face of the negative barbs of society - we are mavericks who look death in the eye and laugh in his face". Continuing along similar lines, the spokesperson said that "we could all die tomorrow, a car could run us down in the street and it would all be over - so why not just live life to the maximum and enjoy yourself?"

The spokesperson did acknowledge that hacking up black phlegm first thing every morning was not particularly pleasant, yet "nothing could beat the sensation of breathing in smoke all day". Furthermore, the spokesperson went on to claim that smokers should be held in as high regard as fireman in regards to bravery/stupidity, by saying that "when they [firemen] enter a burning building, they have oxygen masks on, yet we smokers inhale smoke regularly everyday, and we just do it because we're so f*cking awesome".

The anti-smoking group Please Don't Kill Me As Well has offered a mixed reaction to the government's decision. According to their spokesperson, the extreme sport tag will "lessen the concern of non-smokers for the lives of those that do smoke, because now there is truly no excuse if illness sets in", yet, the tag could also act as a 'James Dean effect' by luring in young children desperate for the need to be cool. The spokesperson claimed that "there are many children out there with no personality or social abilities whatsoever, so the chance to dice with death and take up an extreme sport like smoking in order to impress their peers is a very real dilemma". When asked if members of the group would still sympathise with an ailing smoker whose extreme, daredevil lifestyle had caught up with them, the spokesperson claimed that "nobody wants to see a fellow human being in pain or on deaths door, but if you do not help yourself, then you cannot expect others to help you either".

The spokesperson also responded to his counterpart's remarks about living life to the maximum. After acknowledging that life can be taken away at any moment, the spokesperson claimed that "the fragility of life is precisely why I choose not to smoke. While I have the gift of life in my hands I don't want to do something that will make my teeth and hair go yellow, that will drastically age my skin and make me smell foul and hideous. I don't much like the thought of people wincing after they kiss me either. I'm trying to preserve whatever youth and beauty I might have".

Official Definition Makes The Word "Gay" Mean Bad

Top lexicographers have today announced new additions to, and definitions for, the words within the English language dictionary. Of these additions and revisions, however, there stands a solitary point of controversy - the word "gay" will now have the following new definitions to stand alongside those already in place, notably those meaning 'happy' and 'homosexual':

- referring to a situation or event that is unsatisfactory
or undesirable.
- referring to a person who is annoying in nature.

One of the senior lexicographers, who wishes to remain nameless, claims that the definition is merely "moving with the times" and ensuring that dictionaries and thesauri "stay hip with the kids". The lexicographer went to great lengths to distance the decision of his colleagues with any form of homophobic activity. Moreover, he simply claimed that the new definition was a "realistic reflection of the majority of society", and thus, "it cannot be us that has demonised this term - blame society".

The decision has not been taken lightly, that much is clear. Six months of research was dedicated to the word "gay" alone, and it was deemed that enough people use the word in a derogatory sense, yet not specifically designed to insult homosexuals. As such, the new definitions were given the green light and will be appearing in new editions of dictionaries and thesauri within three months.

Naturally, though, this news has sparked outrage in the gay (meaning homosexual) community. A spokesperson for the Lesbian Gay Bisexual and Transgender group has slammed the decision, stating that it "makes a mockery of an already homophobic society denying gay and lesbian people their due rights". The reason for the anger is centred around the negative aspect of the definition with a word that is already universally used to describe homosexual people. As the LGBT spokesperson points out, "this further stigmatises an already demonised lifestyle choice". The spokesperson went on to argue that "if a set of unsatisfactory events is labelled as 'gay', or an annoying person is labelled as the same, then it will only lead to people linking all definitions of the word with purely negative thoughts". The spokesperson used the example of the now archaic definition of the word meaning "cheery and happy", which is now all but a distant memory to pensioners only.

These protests, however, have been dismissed as gay.

British Army Offers Spicy Food Lovers A Head Start

The British Army has unveiled a new fast-track scheme in which any appropriate new recruit can be automatically promoted to the rank of Major if they have a penchant for spicy food. During these testing times in the war against terror it has become painfully clear that millions of gallant warriors line our streets and occupy our lives, yet they are filled with a melancholy angst, knowing as they do that their credentials suit a far higher rank than that of the lowly Private. Now, though, these frustrated heroes have final been given their rightful chance to show the extent of their gallantry.

Having noted this situation, the Army has confirmed that a liking for specific dishes such as vindaloo, phaal curry, anything with horrible little chili peppers in it, Caribbean jerk dishes and Sichuan hot pot will offer men and women of steel across the nation their rightful rank. Indeed, if the applicant enjoys consuming these dishes while sweating profusely, suffering from severe discomfort and having to drink a litre of water just to prevent blistering in the mouth, then they are guaranteed acceptance into the British Army as a Major without having to pass any form of physical training test.

In a statement, an Army spokesman said: "It has come to our attention that there is a certain calibre of person walking the streets of Britain, the type of person who is evidently made of granite and steel, who is letting their bravery and heroism go to waste. These Gods among mortals can eat the worlds spiciest dishes and ignore the fact that they aren't actually enjoying the dining experience. Moreover, these noble people then rightly mock those beneath them who opted for milder dishes because they simply wanted to have a pleasant, comfortable evening. We need these people in the Army at once."

So, for the good of the country, if you find yourself in a restaurant with a person sweating profusely and with a swollen tongue lambasting everybody else for being so pathetic, tell them that they should join the Army post haste, because their bravery and courage are needed in the theatre of war.

Rap Star Gets Fiscal In New Song

Controversial rap mega-star L-da-Lee Killa is set to take the horrific, mutant rap/hip hop juggernaut to dizzying new heights with the release of his new single I've Got Lots Of Money. The song is expected to dwarf all previous sales figures for a singles chart release, with an estimated 2.7 billion copies expected to be purchased or illegally downloaded within three days of its official release.

The song does not come without controversy, however. Critics have claimed that the lyrics are merely a cheap perpetuation of the rapid decline in substance and meaning in the songs that represent the current vapid, meaningless world of rap and hip hop. One snitch from the NME, who wanted to remain nameless, told us that "we didn't think that the quality of lyrics in these songs could get any more idiotic and materialistic, but once again we have been proven wrong. We are still waiting for an official nadir to be reached, but these artistes just keep plumbing new depths".

Lyrics of particular note that have been highlighted include:

Dis one's got love going out to da borders,
Got so much cash don't need standing orders,
Got dose paper statements in a massive stash,
So people know I got shitloads o cash,
Framing 'em and putting 'em up on my wall,
So peeps see 'em when dey walk through my hall.

Moreover, the song degenerates rapidly as it progresses, with the bulk of the second verse literally consisting of Mr. Killa reading out expensive transactions from his bank statement, including; a shopping trip to Selfridges to buy a seemingly inordinate amount of baggy jeans, but no belt, an afternoon spent in Schuh buying an infinite supply of white trainers, a quick jaunt to Swarovski for some incredibly garish jewelery, two days spent in New Era buying baseball caps but leaving all the stickers and tags on, and a day spent in Ikea buying lamps and meatballs are all mentioned in what is being called the most frighteningly frivolous verse of music ever written.

As if things could not get any worse, however, the three chorus' consists of L-da-Lee Killa simply repeating the five titular words of the song over and over again for five minutes at a time, an act that has been deemed as not only insulting and self-indulgent, but horrendously unimaginative and in no way creative.

'I've got lots of money' is available to purchase from Monday; but just remember, if you buy it you are only lining his pockets, and giving him more opportunity to write even more appalling songs. The greatest art comes out of struggle, strife and sadness, not affluence, prosperity and wealth.

Sky to launch ADHD TV

Global megalomaniac Rupert Murdoch has unveiled a new age of television. First we had HD TV, then there was 3D TV and now Sky have brought us ADHD TV.

ADHD TV has already been met with strong criticism by techno-geeks who are still getting over 3D TV. They claim ADHD TV is far too erratic for them often changing channels without warning. They also claim it blurts out inappropriate language in the middle of programmes often telling the viewer to "fuck off". Viewers have also expressed concern at the hyperactive nature of the television, which often runs around the living room or lounge relentlessly without stopping for hours. This has caused particular stress and concern for techno-geeks with reports that some had shat themselves while others had tried to hump it.

In response to these criticisms and the bad publicity that could be caused by ADHD TV, Murdoch replied "I actually don't care. I am the media bitch. If you report this to them, I will fuck you up." Before running around his office, breaking stuff and swearing relentlessly.

Oxford English Dictionary to change definition of the word 'victim' in light of Rooney revelation

The Oxford English dictionary is set to change the definition of the word 'victim' following Manchester United and England striker Wayne Rooney's claims that he's been a victim for the past six months.

The word 'victim' will now have the following definitions below:

1. Someone that pays for sex with a prostitute on more than one occasion.

2. Someone that performs poorly for a sustained period of time at his or her job.

3. Someone that demands an extortinate amount of money at his or her job.

4. Someone that speaks out against his or her boss when they try to give them time off to sort out their private life.

5. Scousers that would probably be thiefing toe-rags if they weren't good at football.

Ian i-phone - Train Ticket

This time our friend Ian is on a train without a ticket. Will his i-phone be able to help him out? Probably not.

Int. Ian I-phone is sitting on a train carriage reading the paper. A ticket inspector comes up to him.

Inspector: Excuse me sir, can I see your ticket please?

Ian: Oh, yeah, sure.

Ian pats down his pockets and plunges his hand into of them and withdraws his i-phone. He simply holds it out for inspection as though it were his ticket.

Inspector: Sir, that is a mobile phone, not a train ticket.

Ian: It’s an i-phone.

Inspector: Yes, I can see that. Now can I please see your ticket for this journey please?

Ian: Yes

Ian continues to just hold out the i-phone.

Inspector: Sir, if you don’t have a ticket I’m going to have to fine you.

Ian: I don’t need a ticket, I’ve got an i-phone.

The Inspector sighs with frustration and writes out a fine and hands it to Ian.

Ian: How am I supposed to pay this?

Inspector: It tells you how on the slip, sir.

Ian: Is there an app for it?

Inspector: No, sir, there is not an app for it. (Walks away from Ian) Prick.

WEHELPWANKERS Charity: Looking for Donations

Ext. A suburban street. Two middle class men are going door to door, in amazing suits and with slick hair. They walk down the short garden path towards one house. One of them pulls out a handkerchief and pushes the doorbell while covering his finger, all the while pulling a disgusted face. They both laugh together. An old lady answers the door and greets them.

Henry: Hello there Madame, my name is Henry and this is my good friend Thomas, and we represent the charity WEHELPWANKERS (shows business card).

Thomas: Yes that’s right, Madame, we are here to ask for your help for some very needy individuals. You see, Madame, my friend Henry and I work in the city, the City of London that is, in case you didn't know, but we have fallen on particularly hard times.

Henry: Indeed we have. We have been denied our bonus this year because we rather cheekily lost millions of innocent customers all of their money through reckless business decisions, or some such. I don't really know what it is we did wrong to be honest, I don't even think we did anything wrong, but either way, we aren't getting quite as much money as we thought we would.

Thomas: This is a very serious situation, Madame, because Henry and I have a very expensive cocaine habit to maintain, as well as eating at award winning restaurants and drinking bottle after bottle of fine, imported port at numerous swanky bars in Soho before buying our way out of trouble after battering a stripper or two.

Henry: Not to mention our four day "business" trip to Thailand where we plan to lock ourselves in a hotel room with 200 bottles of champagne, 5 hookers, 5 ladyboys, 20 ounces of coke and just enough crack to see us through without overdosing, you know how it is I'm sure, Madame.

Thomas: As it stands this trip will just have to be charged to the company, but we know everyone is a bit on edge at the moment for some reason, so we are trying to raise funds for it ourselves, so if you could give generously we would appreciate it greatly.

The old lady disappears briefly and returns with a £5 note and hands it over.

Lady: I'm terribly sorry, but that's all I have at the moment, I don't get my pension until Wednesday.

The two men look at each other in disgust.

Henry: Is this all you've got?

Lady: I'm afraid it is.

Henry: Fuck this, I told you this street was too poor, come on let's try another.

The £5 note is thrown down to the floor in disgust and they both walk away, kicking at flowers and flower pots in the garden on the way. They both start to giggle and push at each other and then walk down the street together.

Michael Bay to direct new film called 'BOOM'

The world's wealthiest director Michael Bay is set to direct a new film that only features explosions and loud noises. The film entitled 'BOOM' follows the main character played by Steven Seagal, as he tries to escape stuff blowing up around him.

The film also features a series of extravagant special effects, which combined with the never-ending explosions and Michael Bay's huge wage, left only a small amount of budget for decent writers and actors. Luckily the film does not feature any dialogue, with Steven Seagal muttering only a few words throughout the film which include: 'DAMN!', 'SHIT!' and 'NO WAY!'

Despite the film containing limited storyline, plot or dialogue, it is set to be a box office smash as Bay cleverly taps into the retarded redneck audience in America that like explosions and loud noises. Lets hope it can reach the heady heights of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.

N-Dubz to release album of Queen covers

Fans of N-Dubz are coming to terms with the news that Fazer, Tulisa and Dappy will be releasing an album of Queen covers. Fans of the band are unaware who the actual Queen is, let alone the band, but Dappy was quick to explain on Twitter. He said “Queen is da band hoo ‘ad dat battyman leed singin.”

Despite the album being a cover of Queen’s greatest hits, N-Dubz will be adding their own unique style to the songs. The lead song on the album will be called ‘Bohemian Brapsody’ and the lyric ‘Galileo, Galileo....’ is being changed to ‘Ford Mondeo, Ford Mondeo’ referring to the first car that Dappy and Fazer stole.

Other songs include ‘Don’t stop me blud’ referring to what Dappy said to Fazer, when he revealed that was going to steal a bag of pick and mix from Woolworths, and ‘We Will Merk You’, which reveals a series of insults that were traded between Dappy and an unsuspecting Radio One viewer who dared to “disrespect them” over text message.

So watch this space for the album that Chav Magazine gave four braps. A perfect gift for Christmas that aims to bring broken homes together across the UK.

WHY News: The Tabloid Newspaper Newsroom

Another WHY? News sketch and this time we visit the newsroom of a tabloid newspaper.

Int. An office for a tabloid newspaper. Three journalists are lazing around, bored out of their minds, checking their phones and emails waiting for some news to happen.

Journalist 1: Right, this approach isn’t working, let’s force the issue.

Journalist 2: You mean lie?

Journalist 1: No, I mean let’s force the issue and fabricate a story. Right, I’ll start…..Tom Cruise…

Journalist 1 looks at Journalist 2 with hope, making encouraging hand gestures. Journalist 2 hesitates but slowly realises what is expected of him.

Journalist 2: …caught by wife…?

Journalist 1 and 2 look at Journalist 3 full of hope. He thinks for a moment.

Journalist 3: …buying porn off Amazon?

Journalist 1 and 2 slam their hands down on the desk in triumph and cheer in delight.

Journalist 1: Yes, let’s run that one, that’ll do.

Journalist 2: it’s quite a good one actually.

Journalist 3: For once.

No Accounting for Taste: Police Line-Up

Women love a bad boy don't they? For some women being treated badly is a turn-on and a must-have attribute for "their man". We then took this concept a bit further for comedic effect (we hope).

Int. In police station at a line-up. Six male criminals are lined up against a wall. From behind a two way mirror a nervous looking woman is eyeing the men up with anger. She is flanked by a policeman.

Policeman: Which of these men mugged you, Sandra?

Sandra: (looking teary) That one (Points at one of the men)

Policeman: It's ok, you’ve been very brave.

The policeman signals to remove the other men apart from culprit.

Sandra: May I please go in and ask why he did it?

Policeman: (surprised) Yes, of course, as long as you're sure you'll be ok.

Sandra: Yes I'll be ok

Policeman opens a door and lets Sandra through. She approaches the criminal.

Sandra: Why did you do it? Why me? You’ve ruined my life.

Culprit: Fuck you!

Sandra bites her lip flutters her eyelids. She lunges at the man rips open her his shirt.

Sandra: You're such a bad boy aren't you?

They start to kiss passionately.

Sandra: Oh God, I want you so bad, I want you to treat me like shit and walk all over me!

Man in Little White Pants: Brothel

Tomorrow is England's second European Championship Qualifying match against Switzerland, so with that in mind, we would like to dedicate this 'Man in Little Pants' sketch set in a brothel to the England football team.

Int. Man in little white pants sits on a chair in a brothel looking miserable and waiting for a prostitute. A Pimp walks in and starts talking to him.

Pimp: Hi there sir. Sorry for the wait. This is all a bit embarrassing and actually affects my reputation as one of the nastiest pimps around. But basically none of my girls, hos, sluts, whatever you want to call them, want to sleep with you. Yes, I know, it’s very embarrassing, especially for you and I. Not one of them wanted to do anything with you. And before you offer me more money, please don’t, there’s no amount of money that will convince them to sleep with you. And these girls are desperate, I’ve seen them do some really fucked up shit for very little money. I mean they have families to support and because they’re foreign they’ll do whatever you want.......for nothing! But, obviously they’re not desperate enough to sleep with you. Again I apologise, I threatened them a lot and that usually works. They just really didn’t want to sleep with you. It really put me out, usually they do anything I want, especially if I get the gun out and threaten their families, but this time it did not work. Just shows how badly they didn’t want to sleep with you and I don’t think any money or threats could change that. Anyway, sir, is it ok if you go now and don’t speak about this? I have a reputation to maintain within the prostitution and trafficking community. If I hear anything about this I will find you and fucking kill you. Thanks.

Man in little white pants gets up, turns around slowly and walks away.

Businessman John: Sketch Two

Businessman John helps another friend in need with another "once in a lifetime" business offer.

Int. A personal office. John is sat behind his desk looking over some papers. A friend of his knocks on the door and lets himself in. He is looking very glum. John stands up and approaches his friend with a smile and a firm handshake.

John: Hello sir, how can I help you today?

Friend: Look, John, we’ve been mates for years now, so I know I can trust you – I’ve got a serious problem –

John: I don’t deal in problems, sir, I deal in solutions. Now tell me, are you satisfied with your internet connection?

Friend: What?

John: Does you current internet connection satisfy your demands? Is it performing efficiently?

Friend: Look, John, I’ve just been released on bail, I’m in serious trouble here

John: OK, yes, I understand that, sir, but let me just show you some these figures and let’s see if we can sort you out an upgrade for you.

John pulls out a folder from a drawer in his desk and opens it up. His friend shakes his head in disappointment and leaves the office. John looks puzzled.

John: That’s strange – some friend he is.

WHY News: The "All-American" Newsroom

We hate Republicans and this sketch reflects the typical right-wing news channel in America. These news channels are so over-the-top that no-one can really take them seriously (think of the Daily Mail and then times it by 100). They often don't even report news, but rather give opinions about why other people are socialist, terrorists or don't love America as much as they do. So we decided to take a satirical look at this with a comedy sketch.

Int. The introduction of WHY news.

American voiceover: Welcome to WHY news with our all-American team. Lead anchor Chuck Manmeister.

Chuck Manmeister poses as he's about to throw an American football and has a cheesy grin.

American voiceover: Foreign news correspondent Champ McCarthy.

Champ McCarthy poses with a terrorist in a headlock before giving the thumbs up and continually punching him in the head.

American voiceover: Political correspondent Cleetus Inbred.

Shot of Cleetus Inbred who's a stupid looking man with teeth missing, a red neck, chewing tobacco, wearing dungerees, with a white KKK hood stuffed in his front pocket.

American voiceover: And our weatherman Jim Tornado.

Jim Tornado poses with an umbrella, hitting random black people as they try and escape floods.

American voiceover: THIS IS WHY NEWS!!!!

Powerful entrance music starts to play. Camera pans to the lead anchor Chuck Manmeister.

Chuck Manmeister: Good evening America. The top story this hour. Muslim terrorist Barack Hussein Obama passes evil socialist healthcare reforms for America. This will give all Americans the opportunity to have free healthcare. BABYKILLER!!!

Ian i-phone: Basic DIY

This time our good friend Ian i-phone tries to do some basic DIY, but doesn't want to use any tools and instead chooses to only rely on his precious i-phone.

Int. Ian’s girlfriend walks in to the bedroom. There’s DIY equipment everywhere. Ian is playing on his i-phone laughing as he plays with the drink a pint app.

Girlfriend: What the hell are you doing? I thought you were sorting all of this out. You’ve done nothing.

Ian: Yes I have. The shelves are straight - I used my i-phone to sort that out.

Girlfriend: No you haven’t, the shelves aren’t up yet.

Ian: Well there’s no app to put the shelves up.

Girlfriend: What?

Ian: There’s no screwdriver app or hammer app. I can make the shelves straight, but there’s no way I can put it up without the proper app.

Girlfriend: (With a look of absolute disgust on her face) How about you just use an actual screwdriver and hammer?

Ian: (With a look on his face that suggests she’s just made a ridiculous suggestion) I’ll see what I can do (Looks through his i-phone to see if there are any apps for DIY available).

Girlfriend: (Walks off muttering to herself) What's the point?!

15 minutes later Ian’s girlfriend walks back into the room. Ian has attached a screw into his i-phone and is trying to put up the shelves before using it as a hammer.

Girlfriend: For fuck’s sake (Walks off).

Girlfriend Stopwatch #3

The Girlfriend Stopwatch returns and this time we're at a wedding, as a very drunk man called Clive tries it on with Celia, who, unfortunately for Clive, has a boyfriend that she really wuvs!

Int. Wedding reception. A drunk man holding a near-empty pint glass goes up to a girl standing by herself with a wine glass in her hand.

Man: Hi, how are you doing? Enjoyed the wedding?

Woman: Yes I did thanks, was a beautiful ceremony. So glad I came! What’s your name?

Man: Clive, yours?

Woman: Celia.

Man: Celia! What a lovely name! So do you know the bride or groom?

Woman: I know the groom from my boyfriend (Girlfriend stopwatch begins). He was friends with him at Uni, but he can’t be here today because he has work affairs to take care of unfortunately. I wasn’t going to go but thought what the hell, may as well! (Chuckles to herself) I’m really missing him though.

Man starts to look queasy.

Woman: He’s such a lovely man. Can’t wait till we get married. It’s going to be an amazing day (Man looks more queasy). I’ve got it all planned. I know where we’re going to have it. Who my bridesmaids will be. My vows. Just got to wait for him to propose, which will hopefully be soon, fingers cros….

Man throws up on the woman. The countdown clock stops at 25 seconds.

Man: I think you’re boyfriend should sort that out.

Man walks off as the woman stands at the reception covered in sick.

WEHELPWANKERS Charity Appeal Number Two

Another charity appeal from WEHELPWANKERS. This time we need to help the poor bankers.

Int. A blank screen appears with the words “An urgent appeal to the charitable members of British society.” Slow, emotional music plays over a montage of pictures of city workers in economic strife.

The shot fades into a serious looking man dressed in a suit.

Man in suit: Good day to you. As I am sure you are aware we have all been hit with troublesome financial times of late. Amidst all of the confusion and accusations, however, a certain subsection of society has been forgotten, cruelly left behind to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. Richard used to enjoy getting off his face everyday after work at various Champagne bars, but now he can only afford to get drunk 3 or 4 times a week at a regular pub in the City. No longer will Richard be able to visit a strip clubs afterwards, instead he has to stumble home leaving his life unfulfilled and empty. Suffering like this has to stop. Poor Richard can’t even remember what real champagne tastes like, the only taste in his mouth is premium beer and bitter tears. WEHELPWANKERS is doing everything possible to help people like Richard, but need your help to make those affected smile again. So, please help us out and make sure people like Richard visit plenty more Champagne bars and strip clubs in the future. Thank you.

Daily Mail World: Exam Results Day

The exam results for A-Level students are out tomorrow so we thought we'd include a sketch about what would happen on results day if we all lived in Daily Mail World.

Int. At a school on exam results day. The words ‘Daily Mail World’ are captioned briefly at the bottom of the screen. The camera goes to students getting their exam results. They’re all happy with what they got, hugging each other, giving each other high-fives and words of congratulations.

Suddenly the ground starts to shake and hundreds of people from Daily Mail World come running into the school shouting, screaming and generally going mental.

Daily Mail World people: EXAMS ARE GETTING EASIER! THE QUESTIONS ARE SIMPLE! IT’S A DISGRACE! NO WONDER THE YOUTH OF TODAY AMOUNT TO NOTHING!

Daily Mail World person grabs someone’s exam results paper and rips it up.

Daily Mail World person (Shouting): THIS MEANS NOTHING!!!!

The Daily Mail world people leave the school. The students look visibly upset and a few girls start crying.

Ian i-phone: Girlfriend walk-in

Another scene with Ian i-phone who once again shows how much he loves his i-phone - maybe a bit too much.

Int. Ian's girlfriend walks into the bedroom and finds Ian masturbating whilst holding his i-phone.

Girlfriend: Oh my God! What are you doing?

Ian: Errrrrmmmmmm, nothing.

Girlfriend: What are you looking at then? Is it porn?

Ian: No!

Gf: That's rubbish! Let me see (Looks at i-phone). The screen is blank, it’s not even turned on.

Ian: Yeah, I know.

Girlfriend: So you were wanking over your i-phone?

Ian: Well....yeah. What else would I be wanking over? (Starts laughing to himself)

Girlfriend walks off in disgust. Ian looks at his i-Phone and starts masturbating again.

Facebook Couple: Part 6

Death comes to us all, sadly. In part 6 of the Facebook Couple, the guy has sadly passed away, leaving his darling girl behind as a widow.

Ext. A graveyard at a funeral. The girl is standing by the graveside decked out in full mourning dress. A small crowd similarly dressed in black stand behind her, some crying, some looking ahead at nothing while other look at the ground. She throws a rose into the open grave and dabs her eyes with a tissue. She pulls out her phone and types and taps.

Girl: is just utterly broken hearted, completely and utter devastated. How can a person carry on living after this?

A girl friend behind her pulls out her phone and reads before typing and talking.

Friend: Babe you ok? What’s up? Wana talk about it? Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss.

The girl stands silently for a while before getting her phone out again. She reads, then types and talks.

Girl: It’s too private to talk about on here babe, will PM you in a bit when he’s buried and tell you what’s up.

The girl looks into the grave again and sighs heavily.

Girl: See ya later, I guess.

The girl walks away. The rest of the crowd stand still respectfully for a moment or two, before breaking up and walking away too. They all pull out their phones and start typing and talking.

Facebook Couple: Part 5

In part five of the Facebook Couple, the two lovers are now retired and extremely bored. Boredom usually leads to nothing interesting, nothing of note to share. But that doesn't usually stop people on Facebook sharing what's going on in their lives, and the Facebook Couple are the leaders of the pack.


Int. A living room. The Facebook couple are sitting down in separate armchairs, now visibly aged and grey haired. The room is silent with the exception of the faint chatter of a talk radio station coming out of the radio. The couple just stare ahead into the space ahead of them. The guy picks up his phone and motions to type, but has to think first.

Guy: is...erm...question mark confused face.

The guy puts his phone down and lets out a heavy sigh. The girl picks up her phone and starts to visibly think heavily. She starts to type.

Girl: is...dot...dot...dot

The girl puts her phone down and sighs heavily. They both continue to sit in near silence. The guy looks around the room with indifference.

Guy: When did we retire again?

Girl: Fifteen years ago.

Guy: Huh.

The guy drums his fingers on the arm of the chair before picking up his phone again. He wants to type but is evidently drawing a blank.

Guy: I just don’t know what to say. I can’t think of anything to update with.

Girl: Same.

Guy: Well I guess we don’t have to update our status? Maybe people don’t care that much about every little thing we think of, or the tedious details of our lives? I mean, it can get pretty boring. No one likes boring.

Girl ponders this comment, as does the guy. Girl picks up her phone and starts typing.

Girl: is bored.

The guy hurriedly picks up his phone and presses the screen a few times.

Guy: Like!