Mancini to show off midfielder collection at Collectormania

Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini is set to display his collection of midfielders at the next Collectormania event.

The event, which brings collectors and geeks from around the country, is set to host Mancini and his midfielders all week, with this unique collection expected to attract a host of admirers from around the UK.

Much of the collection, such as Silva and Nasri, are in mint condition. However, others are in bad shape such as the recently acquired Hargreaves which has had several broken limbs and De Jong which kicks people for no reason.

Speaking about his collection Mancini said, "I keep telling De Jong not to kick people but he doesn't listen."

"Hargreaves was a bit of a random acquisition. He's not in the best condition and I don't really think that I need him but still bought him regardless."

There are also other midfielders that Mancini tried to throw away because of his ever increasing collection, but unfortunately no-one is interested.

Mancini said, "I've been trying to get rid of Wright-Phillips for ages, but none of the other collectors want him. I don't know what to do anymore."

Other midfielders, which are in perfectly good condition, are still of no use to Mancini for some reason.

He says, "People ask me all the time, why don't you show off Adam Johnson more often? But they don't understand, I have my favourites and he is not one of them. I prefer to show off Zabeleta."

People have accused Mancini of being obsessed with collecting midfielders, with many believing that a lot of his acquisitions are wasteful and unnecessary. However, Mancini denies this.

Mancini says, "I'm not obsessed. I just like midfielders. Even Gareth Barry."

Luckily for Mancini, his collection is funded by a rich Arab who shares his passion for buying stuff.

He says, "I have financial backing, but this is not the only reason for my collection being so great. I play with them everyday and add value to them."

"However, there is always room for improvement and I'm sure we will be adding more midfielders to the collection regardless of price."

Nurofen dealing "rampant" at Reading Festival

The drug Nurofen Plus is being dealt to festival-goers at record levels following the recent announcement that packs of the drug had been sabotaged with a more potent narcotic.

In the biggest drug mix-up since ecstasy pills were found in packs of Skittles, some Nurofen Plus pills had been replaced with the anti-psychotic drug Seroquel XL.

Instead of offering pain relief, the sabotaged Nurofen makes people feel less psychotic, a rare feeling during a festival where others will quite happily chuck their urine or faeces at you for "a laugh" or to get with the "spirit" and "atmosphere" of the festivities.

However, reports indicate that the sabotaged drug was most in demand during the My Chemical Romance set, where festival-goers took the anti-psychotic drug regularly to ensure they didn't murder themselves or anyone around them.

Keen to have this feeling of anti-psychoticness, festival-goers are requesting the sabotaged Nurofen Plus at record numbers meaning drug dealers are trying their best to satisfy demand.

One drug dealer said, "I 'as been preparin' all year for da Reading Festival. I brought in all of da drugs you could tink ov, but now deez fools want Nurofen. Why would you want Nurofen, if you can get your 'ands on sum crack? It doesn't make sense bruv. In da end I sold sum fools da Boots paracetamols - deez people are propa thick!"

The increased Nurofen dealing is already raising alarm bells within government, with several MPs trying to ban the drug.

One Conservative MP said, "Nurofen may provide us with quick and easy pain relief, but if young people are taking advantage of the sabotaged drug then we must take the appropriate measures to ensure it does not get sold more widely."

Drug-taking at the Reading Festival had already come under scrutiny after it emerged that Boots had opened up a 'Morning After Pill' stand on the site. The 'Morning After Pill' stand was recording record sales, even selling more than the nearby burger and beer stalls.

A spokesperson for Boots said, "It seems obvious from these figures that despite the need for festival-goers to get "shit-faced" and "eat crap", there is even more demand for a morning after pill to be readily available at the competitive festival price of £50 each."

Russian banana exports up 200 per cent after Eto'o transfer

Shipments of bananas to Russia have gone up 200 per cent following the transfer of Samuel Eto'o to football club Anzhi Machachkala.

Fans of the club have ordered bananas at record levels so they can throw them at Eto'o when he starts his first game for their beloved Anzhi.

The racist fans, who previously chucked bananas at club captain Roberto Carlos, are rumoured to be disgruntled at the club paying world record wages for a black African footballer and are willing to show their frustration through bananas.

The fans, most of whom don't even like bananas, believe that their racist behaviour will let the owners know that they want more Russian white players like Yuri Zhirkov rather than Three-time Champions League winner Samuel Eto'o.

Despite the racist behaviour of Anzhi and numerous other Russian clubs, FIFA President Sepp Blatter has turned a blind eye and instead decided to award the country as hosts of the 2018 World Cup.

Speaking about the racist behaviour in Russia, Mr Blatter said that it was "not the job of FIFA to get involved in such matters", before chucking a banana at Jack Warner.

Arsene Wenger and Colonel Gaddafi share same levels of denial

A new denial scale has exclusively revealed that Colonel Gaddafi and Arsene Wenger have exactly the same levels of denial.

The new denial scale revealed these findings after Wenger's claims two months ago that Nasri and Fabregas would not leave Arsenal and Gaddafi's recent claims that the Libyan people love him.

Despite these claims, it has since been revealed that both men were experiencing severe cases of denial. With Fabregas and Nasri leaving Arsenal and the Libyan people staging a revolution against the tyrannical Gaddafi regime.

Dr David Nile, founder of the Denial Scale, spoke on the findings claiming that both men had record denial levels which were "off the scale."

He said, "I've never seen denial levels like this before. The way both men claim the opposite of what everyone else was thinking is simply unbelievable. However, perhaps more surprisingly, they seemed so sure in their convinctions."

Other denialees included Sepp Blatter for his numerous claims that FIFA is not a corrupt organisation. However, his denial levels could easily be confused for downright lies, so was not one of the top scorers on the denial scale.

Dr David Nile says, "That is one flaw with the denial scale, sometimes people in denial can be confused for those that are just outrageous liars. However, we're perfecting the scale to understand the difference between those denying obvious truths and liars."

After these results Gaddafi and Wenger have contacted each other to form the National Denial Alliance to provide support for each other as they continue to make outrageous denials in the public domian. It has been rumoured that Gaddafi recently told Wenger to follow his methods by killing those that defy him, starting with Samir Nasri.

In return Wenger offered Bendtner to Gaddafi for £6 million, but this has since been turned this down with Gaddafi claiming he "would only pay a pint of oil" for the striker.

David Cameron and his crew set battle rap challenges

David Cameron and his crew of Tories are set to challenge the rioters and looters from last week in a series of battle raps to prove who has the ultimate crew.

Dismayed by the lack of respect from other crews during the riots, David Ivanhoe Cameron, known as the Notorious DIC to his crew, has laid down the challenge for battle raps happening across the UK in the next month.

The crew consisting of Theresa May (Lil' T), George Osborne (G-Money), Iain Duncan-Smith (I-Smitty) and Nick Clegg (Vanilla C) will travel around the riot hot spots trying to reclaim territory they lost last week.

Speaking to the electorate, the Notorious DIC promised retribution and revenge for other crews "dissing" him and his Eton Massive crew.

He said, "Last week der woz bare mans dissing me and ma crew. Dey don't no dat me and ma crew, Da Eton massive, r in charge of shit. Deez bredrins need to lern sum respect or els der wil be serious beef 4 da nxt few years. Brup!"

Each battle rap will take place against crews who the Notorious DIC believes are responsible for the riots, with the first one being at the weekend in Peckham against the Single Mothers.

This will be closely followed by the Police, the Liberal Intelligentsia, Da Nu Labour Posse, Young Black Youths and numerous chav groups.

Da Eton Massive are working on rhymes for the period of battle raps, which they hope will be finished by the time they go back to work in September.

The Notorious DIC said, "By da tym deez battle raps r ova we wil 'av control of da steetz and b in charge of shit agen. Der is bear mans dat wil b tryin 2 bring us down but we wont stop until deez haters r brought to der neez and dey accept dat we own dem. Brup!"

Da Eton Massive are predicted to win back control of the streets as they are rumoured to be extremely adept at rapping. Like rappers, Da Eton Massive show off about how much money they have, spout a lot of idle shit which think will win them support, have friends in high places and have a fondness for prostitutes.

Moreover Da Eton Massive have their secret weapon, Boris Johnson (B-Unit), who, like rappers, has been known to spout meaningless jargon at record levels.

The Intervention

A short play about the Murdochs staging an intervention on Rupert for his ginger fetish after he shut down The News of the World and allowed Rebekah Brooks to keep her job. This was submitted to the BBC but rather unsurprisingly it didn't make the shortlist of three.

The Intervention

London Riots Part Of 'Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes' Publicity Stunt

The movie studio 20th Century Fox have had to make an embarrassing admission today in the wake of a third night of rioting in London. The studio's new movie, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, a film about artificially enhanced apes running amok around a city, which is released nationwide in cinemas on August 11th 2011 in 2D because 3D is terrible, has been confirmed as the official reason for the shambolic, disgraceful scenes spreading across our capital city.

A spokesperson for 20th Century Fox claimed; 'as a studio we really wanted to support this film in a unique way, so for the UK release we decided to stage a couple of localised re-enactments from the film in different locations in London. We had classically trained actors in ape suits pretending to go on a bit of rampage in the streets taking down humanity. It was all in good spirits.'

It would appear, though, that the organisers did not take into account the sheer stupidity of the moronic, mindless, idiotic element of British society. Upon seeing the ape men in the midst of a riot, large groups of fuckwits with masked faces simply presumed that animals of a similar intellect were simply kicking off for no reason, which is always the best reason for a riot. Naturally, they all decided to join in, and before long shop, bank and restaurant windows were being smashed at will and buildings were being torched.

The 20th Century Fox spokesman continued; 'we just didn't realise that London actually had such a large population of absolute scumbag degenerates so willing to run around the streets like animals just smashing up their own city and making their fellow human being's lives a fearful hell. We didn't actually think that in the 21st Century these Neanderthal people still existed in such force. We heard that some of these parasites actually stood around the fires they had started beating their chests and shrieking at the moon.'

It is believed that those in power at 20th Century Fox felt compelled to make the admission after cringing so much at the reasoning that the continued riots were about social disaffection. One nameless insider is quoted as saying 'social disaffection does not equate to stealing iPads from PC World, Nike Air Max from JD Sports and a few Fred Perry tops from Debenhams, and then blowing them up. Smashing windows and setting fire to family run businesses does not make for a revolution; it just makes for a country being shamed and embarrassed by how many utterly moronic, cretinous twats we have living in our streets.'

Anarchist outrage at lack of Olives

White middle-class anarchists are said to be outraged at the lack of Olives in their local Waitrose. This has caused widespread riots in the London suburbs of Mill Hill, Hampstead, Richmond and parts of suburban Surrey.

Middle-class anarchists were initially outraged by what was happening in Tottenham, even though they have no idea why people were rioting in the first place, and left their detached four bedroom houses to join the riots.

However, before they got on a train the anarchists picked up a few essential snacks from Waitrose. This included humus, Kettle chips, olives, brie, salmon and a stick of French bread. But, the supermarket didn't have any Olives causing widespread chaos in the Waitrose, as the anarchists contested the lack of Olives with a Sales Assistant.

This eventually led to the anarchists cancelling their trip to Tottenham and instead focusing their attention on their local Waitrose by ransacking the store in front of terrified shoppers while demanding Olives.

Henry Wallace-Jones, an 18 year old from Cobham, said, "Me and my chums were going to start some anarchy in Tottenham. We don't know why they're rioting, all we know is that we wanted to be there starting trouble."

"I'm just so annoyed and angry with everything. I have to share a PS3 and X-Box with my brother. I don't have an en-suite bathroom attached to my bedroom. And only have a 52 inch flat screen TV in bedroom. I just need to let me anger out!!!!"

It was also revealed by one of his friends Roy Osborne III that they didn't actually know where Tottenham was. "Isn't it near Chelsea?" he said.

Luckily Henry and his friends only concentrated their obvious anger on their local Waitrose. "If we went to Tottenham then things would've really kicked off", Henry said.

However, eyewitnesses at their local Waitrose were said to less than impressed with their apparent anarchy. One said, "I saw them crying to a Sales Assistant at the lack of Olives. They then put up their Jack Wills' hoodies, barely covering their faces, and started knocking over a few cartons of Covent Garden soup and shaking up fizzy drinks before placing them carefully back on the shelf."

"It wasn't really anarchy but they seemed happy with themselves for some reason. As soon as they saw a friend of the family they all scattered running out of the supermarket with a Curly-Wurly before placing it back in the supermarket after the alarm went off."

Henry and his friends are set to start more anarchy this weekend, perhaps moving further north of Cobham and stepping into the territory of Richmond.

Henry said, "We are going to start some serious shit in Richmond. If their branch of Waitrose don't have Olives then things are going to kick-off!"

"We are not happy with how things are being run in this country. How dare they expect us to live in the basic poverty of suburban Surrey. It's just now on and I'm so angry!!!!!"

Despite his obvious anger, Henry was unable to answer further questions. His parents picked him up so he could return for a family dinner.

Woman Files For Divorce Due To Lack Of Sunburn Sympathy

A woman from Kent has filed for divorce from her husband yesterday due to "constant negligence with regards to painful sunburn". The woman, who has remained nameless, claims that the negligence was displayed over the span of a decade of sunburnt summers, during which her husband refused to show her any sympathy for failing to learn her lesson.

The final straw came during a recent heatwave that had Britons stewing in their own juices. On one particular Saturday morning, the woman vacated her house clad in a dainty bikini and took up residence in her back garden where she proceeded to lay for the next six hours. Upon returning to the house and showering, the woman soon realised that 92% of her skin had been severely burnt by the sheer awesome force of the awesome sun.

After this painful discovery, the woman coated herself in a thick layer of after-sun lotion before spending the evening standing up in the living room watching television, unable, as she was, to sit or lay down. It was at this point that her husband returned home and, upon seeing his oily wife burnt to a crisp and standing in obvious pain, he started to laugh heartily to himself.

The woman promptly exploded with rage and demanded sympathy. There was none forthcoming, so she very slowly, and very awkwardly, packed up some belongings and stormed out of the house. Three days later she filed for divorce.

In his defence, the woman's husband claimed that his wife continually refused to learn her lesson as she has suffered severe sunburn during nine of the last ten summers. The only reason it is not ten out of ten summers is because in the summer of 2007 it has been scientifically proven that the sun did not actually shine at all. The man reasoned that upon "seeing her burnt to a crisp once again, I just couldn't help but laugh at how someone can make the same mistake year in, year out, and then expect sympathy for it".

After a small fit of laughter the husband continued, saying; "it just seems so obvious to me; if one year you lay out in the sun and get horrifically burnt, then you won't do it again the next year because you remember how painful it was. But she just does it every single year, and every time she does it she comes crying to me."

The case is expected to be settled within the month, with the husband retaining custody of the sun block, and his wife gaining custody of the after-sun lotion.

Men With Perverted Urges Asked To Write Urban Music

In a bid to reduce the number of perverted and sleazy crimes, the acting Commissioner of the Met Police Tim Godwin has suggested that any men who are gripped by worrying, socially unacceptable sexual urges should write rap, hip or R'n'B songs (also known as jamz).

The suggestion comes after a spate of rapey, borderline misogynistic songs mysteriously found themselves at the upper end of the Top 40 Singles Chart. In these songs, male artists joyously proclaim how they see women as walking fannies that need to be smashed immediately. But, as these men are rich and famous, this behaviour is seen as 'cool' and 'bad boy', and so they are naturally swimming in poon, despite such beliefs.

In the song Give Me Everything (Tonight), Pitbull spits bare rhymes about being on a night out, seeing a girl he likes and then urging her to sleep with him because the world might end tomorrow. It's not a line that an average man in an average club can say without getting kicked in the balls, but if you have a music video, act really serious, look smug and have loads of money, then it is definitely cool.

Following this example, perverts across the country are picking up pens and ejaculating their thoughts onto paper, transforming themselves into suave playboys in the process. Tim Godwin claimed 'if a woman approached the Old Bill on a Saturday night saying that a man approached her saying he wanted to pour Lemon Curd over her naked body and then snort cocaine off of her bum hole while she took a whoopsie, naturally we'd arrest the man. However, if the man laid down a heavy beat and spat the rhyme

Uh, Girl, come back to ma crib,
Take off dem clothes,
Don't need no bib,
Gonna cover your skin wit Lemon Curd,
Snort blow off your ring,
While you crimp out a turd

then we would commend him for being proper sick; and we would encourage all other sexist, chauvinist men to do the same.'

The news has come as a welcome relief to millions of sexual predators everywhere who have until now been labelled as 'sleazy losers', 'poontang predators' and 'those scumbags who just hang around the whore slutbags in clubs until they're drunk enough to take home and bang', because now they can rightly be accepted into society as the rich and charismatic characters that they really are.

Drinks with "ma girlies" more fun than normal drinks

A study into the social experience of people on a night-out has revealed that drinks with "ma girlies" are statistically more fun than normal drinks.

Over the course of the night those going on drinks with "ma girlies" were found to have a better time than others, with the "girlie" element of the drinks adding increased excitement to the occasion.

The study spokesperson said, "Drinks with "ma girlies" is an event that everyone who is part of the "girlie" group looks forward to throughout the working week."

"Before the event the "head girlie" will advertise drinks with "ma girlies" on Facebook letting everyone know what she and her girlies will be doing on a Friday and Saturday night. This reminder in the form of a Facebook status update will usually add to the excitement for the rest of the girlies."

However, perhaps more interestingly, the study found that drinks with "ma girlies" has a tendency to descend from excitement to annoyance for many of the girlies. Despite excitement levels being incredibly high at the beginning, this will gradually decrease throughout the course of the evening.

The spokesperson continues, "Drinks with "ma girlies" often starts off very positively for the girlies, as they drink cocktails and chat fairly soberly. However, this soon changes after a few drinks."

"The sense of togetherness gradually decreases as the girlies get more drunk and, in turn, more bitchy. Girlies will become jealous of other girlies for chatting to men they fancy, which will then lead to allegations of them being a "slut." Other girlies will start crying for no reason, often because it's their birthday or because someone looked at them funny. And there will always be one girlie that seems to be more drunk than the rest, with this girlie having to be taken home by another girlie, thus diminishing the girlie numbers"

"So from the promising position at the start of the night and extreme excitement levels, drinks with "ma girlies" turns into a bit of a farce."

But, despite this insight, drinks with "ma girlies" are still statistically more fun than normal drinks, mainly due to the immeasurable excitement levels at the beginning of the night which the consistent fun of normal drinks cannot compete with.

We tried contacting a "head girlie" on Facebook for her thoughts on the study's findings and got the following response:

"Don't care bout anyting, da wkend is here! Whoop whoop! Goin 4 drinks with ma girlies 2nyt. Yay!!!!! :-) :-) :-) :-) Whoop whoop! Yay!!!!!! Luv ma girlies! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx"

Research shows all men who wear beer t-shirts have small penises

It has been revealed that men who wear t-shirts which indicate how proud they are at being able to drink a lot actually have very small penises.

The research conducted by RETARD (REsearchers of Twats And Real Dicks) carried out the study into men who wear t-shirts boasting about their drinking habits and whether this has a direct correlation with their penis size.

The results were interesting, with those who wear these t-shirts on a regular basis or at social events having far smaller penises than the average male.

Dr Luther Borthwick, the head researcher at RETARD, said, "We found that there were two types of men that wear t-shirts boasting about their relationship with alcohol and how much they can drink - Geeks and Geezers."

"Geeks tend to wear a black t-shirt which boasts about how much they can drink, however, this tends to be through a sci-fi or fantasy reference. They also tend to be dressed all in black, have a large beer belly, beard and a hat. The hat is a vital part of the outfit."

"The type of geezer that wears these sort of t-shirts is usually the 'runt of the litter' within the geezer group. He will find it hard to compete with his fellow geezers' boasts about how much they can drink so chooses to buy a t-shirt to prove it instead."

The researchers concluded that there is an obvious need for men with small penises to hide their manhood size with idle boasts about how much they can drink. T-shirts which express these boasts with a clear or 'humorous' statement seek to reaffirm these boasts.

In our own independent research we asked a man wearing a t-shirt with the statement 'This is my drinking t-shirt and I wear it everyday!' whether he had a small penis. The man reacted in a threatening manner before challenging us to a beer drinking contest to officially show who was more of a man.

'I'm Not Enjoying This' (Flat Party)

This is the second episode called 'Flat Party' with the title suggesting the jist of what happens. The episode follows both of them before and during the flat party, however, things don't go to plan for either.


I'm Not Enjoying This S01 E02