Hilary Swank goes to an old well in rural Ireland where there's a letter in an envelope underneath some rocks.
Hilary Swank opens the letter and reads it out aloud...."This is Sparta?! What does this...."
Before she can finish her sentence Gerard Butler, dressed in full Spartan gear, kicks her into the well from behind.
Hilary Swank falls down the well screaming. Gerard Butler looks down the well with no remorse, foaming at the mouth.
End credits.
Monday 31 January 2011
Sunday 30 January 2011
Andy Murray chokes again in Australian restaurant
Scottish tennis pro Andy Murray has choked on food yet again, this time in Australia.
Andy Murray was dining at a top-restaurant in Melbourne enjoying a meal with family and friends, but choked during the main course.
Similar incidents have happened in restaurants in New York, Paris and Wimbledon causing much embarrassment to himself and his fans.
A friend of Murray says, "Andy always gets through the starter and drinks fine. In fact he annihilates everything in his path. The same goes for most of the main course, but as soon as he gets to the final mouthful Andy chokes."
"I can't explain it - this problem always happens in Paris, Wimbledon, New York and Melbourne. There just seems to be some sort of mental barrier for him."
Andy Murray has vowed to take time off from eating at restaurants in the future to stop the choking problem. However, friends feel more work could be required to stop this from happening in the future.
Despite these problems, tennis insiders have claimed that they're nothing compared to Tim Henman who used to choke on the starter on a regular basis.
Andy Murray was dining at a top-restaurant in Melbourne enjoying a meal with family and friends, but choked during the main course.
Similar incidents have happened in restaurants in New York, Paris and Wimbledon causing much embarrassment to himself and his fans.
A friend of Murray says, "Andy always gets through the starter and drinks fine. In fact he annihilates everything in his path. The same goes for most of the main course, but as soon as he gets to the final mouthful Andy chokes."
"I can't explain it - this problem always happens in Paris, Wimbledon, New York and Melbourne. There just seems to be some sort of mental barrier for him."
Andy Murray has vowed to take time off from eating at restaurants in the future to stop the choking problem. However, friends feel more work could be required to stop this from happening in the future.
Despite these problems, tennis insiders have claimed that they're nothing compared to Tim Henman who used to choke on the starter on a regular basis.
Tuesday 25 January 2011
David Cameron to cut friends with benefits under welfare reforms
Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that the Coalition government plans to deal with the welfare state by cutting friends with benefits.
The scheme entitled "No more benefits for friends" will not allow friends of different genders to add any sexual benefits to their relationship.
A government spokesperson has called the scheme "the best way to tackle the problems of the current benefit system."
He said, "Britain's welfare state is out of control! Not only do the lazy unemployed enjoy financial perks for sitting around doing nothing, but friends are now enjoying sexual perks while not even being in a proper relationship."
However, opposition MPs are questionning the latest Coalition cut as an attack on civil liberties.
One Labour MP said, "How people choose to conduct their personal relationships is entirely up to them. Rather than cutting friends with benefits, perhaps they should implement a solution that entices members of the public into a loving long-term relationship."
Prime Minister David Cameron has defended his actions, "Under the last Labour government, friends with benefits went up by 250 per cent. This led to increased pregnancies, more unemployment and friendships ruined because of the introduction of sex into the equation."
"Friends with benefits is simply something the Coaltion government cannot support or manage. If people want to have sex, find a long-term partner, not someone who will give you the benefits of a sexual relationship but non of the commitment."
Friends with benefits were blaimed personally by David Cameron for the latest poor economic figures along with the previous Labour government, the snow, Nick Clegg, the Euro, the public sector, the welfare state and the poor.
The scheme entitled "No more benefits for friends" will not allow friends of different genders to add any sexual benefits to their relationship.
A government spokesperson has called the scheme "the best way to tackle the problems of the current benefit system."
He said, "Britain's welfare state is out of control! Not only do the lazy unemployed enjoy financial perks for sitting around doing nothing, but friends are now enjoying sexual perks while not even being in a proper relationship."
However, opposition MPs are questionning the latest Coalition cut as an attack on civil liberties.
One Labour MP said, "How people choose to conduct their personal relationships is entirely up to them. Rather than cutting friends with benefits, perhaps they should implement a solution that entices members of the public into a loving long-term relationship."
Prime Minister David Cameron has defended his actions, "Under the last Labour government, friends with benefits went up by 250 per cent. This led to increased pregnancies, more unemployment and friendships ruined because of the introduction of sex into the equation."
"Friends with benefits is simply something the Coaltion government cannot support or manage. If people want to have sex, find a long-term partner, not someone who will give you the benefits of a sexual relationship but non of the commitment."
Friends with benefits were blaimed personally by David Cameron for the latest poor economic figures along with the previous Labour government, the snow, Nick Clegg, the Euro, the public sector, the welfare state and the poor.
Monday 24 January 2011
Richard Keys and Andy Gray accused of further sexism
More people have come forward accusing Richard Keys and Andy Gray of sexism following comments made this weekend about a female linesman.
The first incident involved a 21 year-old waitress and happened at a top London restaurant where Richard Keys and Andy Gray regularly dine.
Andy Gray, who famously orgasmed during live commentary when Steven Gerrard scored the winning goal against Olympiakos in 2004, groped the waitress on the backside.
He purposely dropped a napkin, then, when the waitress bent down to pick it up, said "take a boow son" before patting her on the bottom.
The whole incident left the woman, who can't be named for legal reasons, horrified and shocked. She said, "I expect this sort of behaviour from footballers, but not TV presenters!"
"What made it worse is that both of them laughed raucously afterwards, thinking nothing was wrong, before trying to explain the offside rule to me with a salt and pepper shaker."
The other incident happened at a massage parlour where half-man, half-ape, Richard Keys went to get his chest waxed with Andy Gray.
The woman at the centre of this sexist scandal was this time a masseur at the parlour. She says, "At first the banter was light hearted. Mr Keys explained that he needed to get his chest waxed for his wife. Mr Gray then made a joke referring to Mr Keys' hair by saying "you don't shave those". However, the mood soon changed."
"Mr Gray asked me how much it would cost for naked massage, which I refused. He then made derogatory comments about my waxing, saying a man would do a better job and that I didn't know what I was doing. After the wax, him and Mr Keys explained the offside rule to me with a salt and pepper shaker."
These two latest allegations have caused great controversy within Sky Sports, with many calling for both Mr Gray and Mr Keys' resignation.
This has come at a time where football commentator Martin Tyler is set to release a porno with Georgie Thompson, which will be live on Sky Sports HD 3D. After the event, Mr Tyler will then explain the offside role to her with a salt and pepper shaker.
The first incident involved a 21 year-old waitress and happened at a top London restaurant where Richard Keys and Andy Gray regularly dine.
Andy Gray, who famously orgasmed during live commentary when Steven Gerrard scored the winning goal against Olympiakos in 2004, groped the waitress on the backside.
He purposely dropped a napkin, then, when the waitress bent down to pick it up, said "take a boow son" before patting her on the bottom.
The whole incident left the woman, who can't be named for legal reasons, horrified and shocked. She said, "I expect this sort of behaviour from footballers, but not TV presenters!"
"What made it worse is that both of them laughed raucously afterwards, thinking nothing was wrong, before trying to explain the offside rule to me with a salt and pepper shaker."
The other incident happened at a massage parlour where half-man, half-ape, Richard Keys went to get his chest waxed with Andy Gray.
The woman at the centre of this sexist scandal was this time a masseur at the parlour. She says, "At first the banter was light hearted. Mr Keys explained that he needed to get his chest waxed for his wife. Mr Gray then made a joke referring to Mr Keys' hair by saying "you don't shave those". However, the mood soon changed."
"Mr Gray asked me how much it would cost for naked massage, which I refused. He then made derogatory comments about my waxing, saying a man would do a better job and that I didn't know what I was doing. After the wax, him and Mr Keys explained the offside rule to me with a salt and pepper shaker."
These two latest allegations have caused great controversy within Sky Sports, with many calling for both Mr Gray and Mr Keys' resignation.
This has come at a time where football commentator Martin Tyler is set to release a porno with Georgie Thompson, which will be live on Sky Sports HD 3D. After the event, Mr Tyler will then explain the offside role to her with a salt and pepper shaker.
Tuesday 18 January 2011
Inflation hits UK after Darren Bent transfer
Inflation has reached a record high in the UK following the £24 million transfer of Darren Bent to Aston Villa.
Ever since the transfer, inflation has soared with Darren Bent's transfer causing UK goods and services to treble in price.
The Bank of England is facing calls to raise interest rates in light of the inflation increase but has remained defiant. It believes Aston Villa couldn't have paid that much for someone worth barely £8 million.
Following the Darren Bent transfer, retail giants have trebled the price of its UK products.
A spokesperson for one retail giant said, "If Darren Bent is worth £24 million then we're raising the price of our UK goods by at least 33.3 per cent. We obviously hate to raise the price of goods, but Darren Bent's transfer has led to many retailers reassessing their finances."
As a result Cadbury have immediately raised the price of Fredo chocolate bars to nearly a pound.
However, defiant consumers have vowed to buy cheaper foreign produce, notably ones from the Netherlands. One product range called The Van der Vaart is one third cheaper than UK products, but also far better quality.
It has also been revealed that Prime Minister David Cameron will shift blame for the double-dip recession away from his government and onto Darren Bent.
He says, "This is a ludicrous transfer that will ultimately lead Britain into recession again. I blame Darren Bent, Aston Villa and Sunderland for being involved and allowing this extortionate fee to be paid. I hope they're all happy when the Coalition government saves the day by making more cuts."
However, one consumer watchdog has painted a more positive picture of the situation with the following statement:
"At least Shaun Wright-Phillips didn't go for £24 million. If he did, then we'd all be carrying our money in wheelbarrows by now."
Ever since the transfer, inflation has soared with Darren Bent's transfer causing UK goods and services to treble in price.
The Bank of England is facing calls to raise interest rates in light of the inflation increase but has remained defiant. It believes Aston Villa couldn't have paid that much for someone worth barely £8 million.
Following the Darren Bent transfer, retail giants have trebled the price of its UK products.
A spokesperson for one retail giant said, "If Darren Bent is worth £24 million then we're raising the price of our UK goods by at least 33.3 per cent. We obviously hate to raise the price of goods, but Darren Bent's transfer has led to many retailers reassessing their finances."
As a result Cadbury have immediately raised the price of Fredo chocolate bars to nearly a pound.
However, defiant consumers have vowed to buy cheaper foreign produce, notably ones from the Netherlands. One product range called The Van der Vaart is one third cheaper than UK products, but also far better quality.
It has also been revealed that Prime Minister David Cameron will shift blame for the double-dip recession away from his government and onto Darren Bent.
He says, "This is a ludicrous transfer that will ultimately lead Britain into recession again. I blame Darren Bent, Aston Villa and Sunderland for being involved and allowing this extortionate fee to be paid. I hope they're all happy when the Coalition government saves the day by making more cuts."
However, one consumer watchdog has painted a more positive picture of the situation with the following statement:
"At least Shaun Wright-Phillips didn't go for £24 million. If he did, then we'd all be carrying our money in wheelbarrows by now."
Thursday 13 January 2011
Outrage as Oldham by-election candidates were all straight
There has been outrage in the gay community as it has been revealed that all the political candidates in the Oldham by-election were actually straight.
The gay community were up-in-arms at what it described as "deliberate misleading" from the government who labelled the vote as a by-election.
One elderly gay gentleman from the Oldham area said, "I saw there was a by-election in Oldham and couldn't wait to vote for my favourite bisexual candidate. However, I then learned that all the candidates are straight, which put me completely off it."
The public outrage from the local and national gay community has made the Coalition government reassess how it labels future local elections.
A spokesperson from the Conservative party said, "We, as a government, take any complaints about misrepresentation seriously and will be looking into this matter straight away, pardon the pun."
"Since uniting with the Liberal Democrats in the Coalition government we have become increasingly aware of the gay community and the prejudice they face on a daily basis. We will not take this issue lightly."
It is thought that the Coalition government will re-name all future by-elections "straight elections" to stop any confusion. However, if one or more candidates are gay it will be called the "straight elections plus bummer(s)."
The gay community were up-in-arms at what it described as "deliberate misleading" from the government who labelled the vote as a by-election.
One elderly gay gentleman from the Oldham area said, "I saw there was a by-election in Oldham and couldn't wait to vote for my favourite bisexual candidate. However, I then learned that all the candidates are straight, which put me completely off it."
The public outrage from the local and national gay community has made the Coalition government reassess how it labels future local elections.
A spokesperson from the Conservative party said, "We, as a government, take any complaints about misrepresentation seriously and will be looking into this matter straight away, pardon the pun."
"Since uniting with the Liberal Democrats in the Coalition government we have become increasingly aware of the gay community and the prejudice they face on a daily basis. We will not take this issue lightly."
It is thought that the Coalition government will re-name all future by-elections "straight elections" to stop any confusion. However, if one or more candidates are gay it will be called the "straight elections plus bummer(s)."
Wednesday 12 January 2011
David Cameron to introduce new Nick Clegg shield to the MoD
Prime Minister David Cameron is set to introduce a new Nick Clegg shield to the Ministry of Defence (MoD), as part of the government's commitment to the armed forces.
The new Nick Clegg shield has been successfully trialled by David Cameron since he became Prime Minister in May last year.
The shield, modelled on Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, is able to take any attacks with great ease, while preserving the user's health and reputation.
The ability to soak up any attacks from opposition despite the user's own shortcomings and ineptitude is one of the main reasons why the MoD decided to introduce the shield for future combat.
David Cameron says, "Since May, the Conservatives have been really rotten shits with all the cuts, broken election promises and, of course, the recent VAT rise, but somehow our reputation is still intact and relatively unscathed."
"I firmly believe that one of the main reasons for this is because I've been using the Nick Clegg shield. This has taken most of the flak for all of my decisions, lies, deceit and inept leadership."
Other products in the Nick Clegg franchise set to be given a trial run by the MoD include a lie detector test, which helps tell if people are lying before General Elections.
The new Nick Clegg shield has been successfully trialled by David Cameron since he became Prime Minister in May last year.
The shield, modelled on Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, is able to take any attacks with great ease, while preserving the user's health and reputation.
The ability to soak up any attacks from opposition despite the user's own shortcomings and ineptitude is one of the main reasons why the MoD decided to introduce the shield for future combat.
David Cameron says, "Since May, the Conservatives have been really rotten shits with all the cuts, broken election promises and, of course, the recent VAT rise, but somehow our reputation is still intact and relatively unscathed."
"I firmly believe that one of the main reasons for this is because I've been using the Nick Clegg shield. This has taken most of the flak for all of my decisions, lies, deceit and inept leadership."
Other products in the Nick Clegg franchise set to be given a trial run by the MoD include a lie detector test, which helps tell if people are lying before General Elections.
Tuesday 11 January 2011
Sarah Palin to announce new list of targets
The 'voice of middle America' Sarah Palin is set to announce a new list of targets for the January transfer window.
New targets include Ronaldinho, David Beckham, "all american" Landon Donavan, Kaka and Lionel Messi.
However, Ronaldinho would rather go to some unknown Brazilian club, David Beckham would rather train with Tottenham, Landon Donovan would rather do nothing in LA, Kaka would rather languish on the bench at Real Madrid and Lionel Messi simply laughed at her for being a silly bitch.
These targets have since been described by the Tea Party as "looney Left-wing liberals", socialists, immigrants and bearing similarities with Adolf Hitler.
New targets include Ronaldinho, David Beckham, "all american" Landon Donavan, Kaka and Lionel Messi.
However, Ronaldinho would rather go to some unknown Brazilian club, David Beckham would rather train with Tottenham, Landon Donovan would rather do nothing in LA, Kaka would rather languish on the bench at Real Madrid and Lionel Messi simply laughed at her for being a silly bitch.
These targets have since been described by the Tea Party as "looney Left-wing liberals", socialists, immigrants and bearing similarities with Adolf Hitler.
Jens Lehman's Film Reviews For Laymans: Inception
So the moral of Inception is:
Dreams are complicated.........oh, and there's usually a mad French bitch that tries to ruin them for you.
Dreams are complicated.........oh, and there's usually a mad French bitch that tries to ruin them for you.
Monday 3 January 2011
Sepp Blatter appoints members of new Fifa anti-corruption committee
Fifa president Sepp Blatter has announced the members of its new anti-corruption committee set to become fully operational in mid 2011.
Mr Blatter has appointed some of the most well-known and most influential individuals from around the world who Fifa believes will help in the battle against corruption within the organisation.
The members of the new committee include:
- Russian Premier Vladimir Putin
- Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi
- President of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe
- President of Belarus Alexander Lukashenko
- President of Sudan Omar al-Bashir
- Numerous key figureheads within the Burmese government
- Simon Cowell
These individuals were chosen following a gruelling selection process which contained some of the world's most respected people. The final decision was hard for Fifa to make, but Mr Blatter believes the right people were appointed.
Sepp Blatter said in a statement, "Choosing the members of this new committee was a tough decision, but Fifa feels we now have the right individuals in place to tackle any supposed corruption within the organisation."
"The individuals we chose have handled any opposition to supposed corruption with great ease and skill, with any lives lost being completely necessary and unavoidable."
"There has been a lot of rumours about Fifa's apparent corruption, particularly in selecting countries to host the World Cup. We hope that the appointment of this new committee will convince many people that Fifa is an open and transparent organisation where any corruption will not tolerated."
In light of the committee appointments, it has been announced that Zimbabwe, Belarus, Sudan and Burma will be given automatic byes to the next World Cup in 2014.
It has also been announced that Sepp Blatter will be given an automatic bye to the finals of the X-Factor, Britain's Got Talent and American Idol.
Mr Blatter has appointed some of the most well-known and most influential individuals from around the world who Fifa believes will help in the battle against corruption within the organisation.
The members of the new committee include:
- Russian Premier Vladimir Putin
- Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi
- President of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe
- President of Belarus Alexander Lukashenko
- President of Sudan Omar al-Bashir
- Numerous key figureheads within the Burmese government
- Simon Cowell
These individuals were chosen following a gruelling selection process which contained some of the world's most respected people. The final decision was hard for Fifa to make, but Mr Blatter believes the right people were appointed.
Sepp Blatter said in a statement, "Choosing the members of this new committee was a tough decision, but Fifa feels we now have the right individuals in place to tackle any supposed corruption within the organisation."
"The individuals we chose have handled any opposition to supposed corruption with great ease and skill, with any lives lost being completely necessary and unavoidable."
"There has been a lot of rumours about Fifa's apparent corruption, particularly in selecting countries to host the World Cup. We hope that the appointment of this new committee will convince many people that Fifa is an open and transparent organisation where any corruption will not tolerated."
In light of the committee appointments, it has been announced that Zimbabwe, Belarus, Sudan and Burma will be given automatic byes to the next World Cup in 2014.
It has also been announced that Sepp Blatter will be given an automatic bye to the finals of the X-Factor, Britain's Got Talent and American Idol.
Sunday 2 January 2011
Jens Lehman's Film Reviews For Laymans: Forrest Gump
So, the moral of Forrest Gump is:
If you really love a sluttish, drug addict woman for decades, yet she continually chooses drugs and other men over you, and has a child by you but doesn't mention it until he's a few years old, eventually she'll marry you when she has AIDS and you're rich.
If you really love a sluttish, drug addict woman for decades, yet she continually chooses drugs and other men over you, and has a child by you but doesn't mention it until he's a few years old, eventually she'll marry you when she has AIDS and you're rich.
Saturday 1 January 2011
Study reveals even New Year's "party in my pants" is anti-climax
New research has revealed that even a New Year's "party in my pants" is an anti-climax.
The study was carried out by scientists who were intrigued by the constant association with New Year's Eve and an anti-climax.
Scientists conducted the study on male participants by inviting two females to a party in their pants and observing all three's reaction to the party.
The study found that the party ended rather prematurely for the male participants who got overexcited by the occasion, eventually falling asleep. This meant that the two females felt unsatisfied by the whole experience and went off to did their own thing.
Dr. Wolfgang von Pervert, who was in charge of the study, said, "A party in someone's pants is often a great experience for the male, made even better by females accepting the invitation."
"However, the grand occasion of New Year's Eve seemed to make the male participant anxious and overwhelmed. This led to disappointment for both the male and female participants."
"Ultimately this study proved that New Year's Eve is always an anti-climax, no matter what the party."
The study was carried out by scientists who were intrigued by the constant association with New Year's Eve and an anti-climax.
Scientists conducted the study on male participants by inviting two females to a party in their pants and observing all three's reaction to the party.
The study found that the party ended rather prematurely for the male participants who got overexcited by the occasion, eventually falling asleep. This meant that the two females felt unsatisfied by the whole experience and went off to did their own thing.
Dr. Wolfgang von Pervert, who was in charge of the study, said, "A party in someone's pants is often a great experience for the male, made even better by females accepting the invitation."
"However, the grand occasion of New Year's Eve seemed to make the male participant anxious and overwhelmed. This led to disappointment for both the male and female participants."
"Ultimately this study proved that New Year's Eve is always an anti-climax, no matter what the party."
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