Here are the main highlights from the London 2012 Olympics:
- China kidnap Mr Bean and place him under house arrest in retaliation for UK's better opening ceremony
- Conservative MPs encouraged to invite ruthless dictators with no morals and ethics to Olympic events after David Cameron has Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson has Rupert Murdoch as guests of honour
- French cycling team go on strike over Team GB's use of round wheels for cycling events
- Australian team finally wins Gold.....for excuses why they haven't won an Gold medals
- Daily Mail look for angle about how Mo Farah will eventually use Gold medal to find terrorist activities which threaten house prices
- Daily Mail plot divorce of Jessica Ennis' parents to prove theory of multiculturalism correct by linking father with Kirsten Stewart
- IOC demand hair sample from Greg Rutherford after claims from other nations that it's impossible for gingers to win at sport
- UK handball and water polo teams get new comedy series on BBC3
- Michael Phelps quits swimming to start new life under the sea
- All female shot-putters fail gender test
- Beach volleyball final cancelled after male spectators launch into masturbating frenzy
- French make allegations against US domination of basketball by questioning their blackness and height
- The Boots in Westfield shopping centre sells out of morning after pills after last night in Olympic village for athletes....leading to more teenage pregnancies in East London
- David Cameron and Boris Johnson agree to dance off to decide next Prime Minister at closing ceremony
- Team GB donate a Gold medal to Australia
- Everybody goes back to not giving a shit about dressage
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