Celebrities across the UK have congregated in Leicester Square to take part in a mass orgy following the announcement that The News of the World will be closing permanently after this Sunday.
The news of the imminent closure was met by jubilation from celebrities who suddenly started ripping off each other's clothes and having numerous affairs within the madness of the orgy.
One eyewitness has reported that Wayne Rooney is currently having a threesome with two brunette prostitutes as Coleen watches while riding Peter Crouch. One person even saw both John Prescott and Jude Law DPing a mystery blonde.
However, less well-known celebrities are said to be disappointed by the closure, as it means there will be one less tabloid newspaper to report on their mundane activities. "Celebrities" such as Kerry Katona, Katie Price, Sonia from EastEnders and the entire cast of The Only Way Is Essex are said to be anxious as to where their future careers lie.
A spokesperson for Sonia said, "Sonia from EastEnders was going to put on loads of weight, then lose loads of weight. We were then going to do a story about how much weight she lost. Then she was going to get depressed at being skinny, put on loads of weight and say how happy she is to be fat again."
"This is standard stuff for Heat and other shitty magazines, but we really need the News of the World to raise her profile. The only other newspaper we could sell this story to is the Sunday Star and they're more likely to laugh at her camel toe."
Sonia from EastEnders, Katie Price and Kerry Katona were tempted to take part in the orgy but without The News of the World reporting or taking pictures it wasn't deemed to be worthwhile for their careers.
At this moment in time it is not yet known when the orgy will end, with more celebrities, prostitutes and mystery blondes getting involved in proceedings.
With the closure of the News of the World, there's a belief that more serious journalism will be allowed to take centre-stage, such as a media debate over whether Rupert Murdoch looks more like a dead foetus or a male scrotum.
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