Masturbation levels for January have reached a record high following the two month loan signing by Arsenal of Thierry Henry and the release of Margaret Thatcher film, The Iron Lady.
The two month loan signing of Henry prompted many over excited Arsenal fans to blow their load and then express their intense masturbatory delight over the return of the club's legend on Facebook.
One status update from a fan read: "OMG OMG da king is bak. Henry is sik. Henry is sik", with many echoing similar sentiments.
The masturbation levels over the return of Henry then reached a record high after his goal against Leeds in the FA Cup, with many too excited to Tweet or Facebook after covering themselves in their own semen in celebration.
In addition to Arsenal fans, the other group of people playing a significant role in these record January masturbation levels were Young Conservatives who watched the new cinematic release, The Iron Lady.
The film about former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher led to many double-barreled tossers in the cinema audience masturbating to it throughout.
One cinema worker described the situation: "We had a group of Young Conservatives watch the film the other day. During the film they all just got out their cocks and started masturbating. I thought this was just the usual gay activities that most Young Conservatives got up to on a weekend, however, I was later informed that the group masturbation session was over Margaret Thatcher."
He continues "After the film they left laughing talking about how 'hot' Thatcher was, before racially abusing a black colleague of mine. They all found this hilarious. I didn't. Does anyone find Young Conservatives funny?"
The Iron Lady has even led to the re-emergence of a sex act called 'The Thatcher' among Young Conservatives and their girlfriends. The act involves Young male Conservatives dressing up as Welsh Miners while they get anally violated with a strap-on by their girlfriends who are dressed as Margaret Thatcher.
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