Police announce refusal to shake hands will result in prison sentence

Following Luis Suarez's refusal to shake hands with Patrice Evra at the weekend, the UK police has announced that those refusing to shake hands with their victims will be given a harsh prison sentence.

In a move likely to stun the British public, the refusal to shake hands with victims of crime will get a harsher punishment than the initial physical violence or racist abuse.

A spokesperson for the police comments:
"The Suarez-Evra affair taught us one thing, the handshake is vital. It's all very well if you physically hurt someone or racially abuse them but not shaking the victim's hand is out of order and WILL NOT be tolerated. That demands an instant apology or punishment, more so than the initial crime."

A culprit of the crime said:
"I racially abused a random black fella the other day. I refused to apologise to him for this. It was his fault, he was black. As a compromise for my refusal to apologise, the police ordered me to shake my victim's hand, but I refused again. The police went mental, put me on the floor and forced me to apologise for refusing to shake his hand, so I did. Why didn't they react like that when I did the actual racist abuse?!"

The new law, known as the Kenny-Suarez Law, will come into play this week, with anyone refusing to shake hands being sent straight to court in a move similar to those involved in the riots last year.

One person taking advantage of this new wave of public opinion for handshakes is Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez who has yet to apologise for refusing to play against Bayern Munich but blamed his problems with the club on the fact he didn't shake hands with Mancini before the game.

Kia Joorabchian, Tevez's mouthpiece, said "Carlos now realises he was in the wrong. He didn't shake Mancini's hand before the match. That's why he was so pissed off - it's so clear to us now! Nothing to do with his refusal to warm-up and come on as a substitute. It was the lack of handshake! Tevez apologises for this. So to clarify Tevez apologises for the handshake and NOT for his refusal to play in the match. There problem over. Let's move on."