Osborne blames poor UK economy on K-Stew R-Patz break-up

George Osborne has today sensationally laid the blame for the poor UK economy under his watch as Chancellor on the Kirsten Stewart and Robert Pattinson break-up.

Osborne claims that another dire economic quarter directly coincided with the young couple's break-up despite it being announced two days after the poor financial state of affairs.

After blaming the previous announcements about the UK economy on cold weather, hot weather, wet weather, the Royal Wedding, Diamond Jubilee, poor people, wind farms, the Euro, the NHS, state education, Lib Dems, the Labour Party's economic policies in 1999, among other things, Osborne has decided to lay the blame this time squarely on the shoulders of Kirsten Stewart and not himself.

Speaking about the economy Osborne said: "Once again I am not to blame for this economic mess. Unfortunately this time it's the fault of Kirsten Stewart for despicably cheating on R-Patz. She has put the UK's future financial progress in severe jeopardy."

He continued: "Your Chancellor is simply unable to do anything when you're trying to revive the economy in such adverse circumstances. First, it was Labour then the poor people on benefits then the snow then the Royal Wedding then the diamond jubilee and now it's Kirsten Stewart. Gay vampire books and films were one of the only things doing well during the recession and this is now under threat because of Kirsten Stewart's selfishness. What can I do?! Nothing! It's an impossible task! People keep messing up!"

In an attempt to jump on yet another bandwagon, David Cameron stepped in to back-up his friend by stating that he expected a full public apology from Kirsten Stewart.

Mr Cameron said in a statement: "Kirsten Stewart has apologised to her boyfriend who she cheated on and the wife of the man who she cheated with, so the next logical step is for her to apologise to our Chancellor for thwarting his heroic efforts to redeem the economy, as well as the people of Britain."

This latest economic debacle has occurred at the same time as Mr Osborne leaving for his holiday, with the Treasury announcing that Mr Bean, who made his return to the UK during the Olympic ceremony, will replace the Chancellor during this time. The UK economy has already reacted well to this news showing that even a complete idiot can do a better job as Chancellor than George Osborne.