The fountain of xenophobic knowledge and Princess Diana shrine, otherwise known as the Daily Express, has today exclusively revealed that living life gives people cancer. After several day of intensive scientific studies it was discovered that an incredible number of everyday items and activities can actually be the source of the potentially fatal disease. The list was particularly exhaustive, lisitng 204 different sources of cancer from everyday life, but of the most concerning are:
- Chocolate
- Celery
- Red meat
- Too much sex
- Too little sex
- Asylum seekers
- Foreigners
- Left-wing politics
- Homosexuals
- The NHS
- Being a member of the EU
- Being on benefits
The latest article is set to spark fears among the Daily Express' highly intellectual and well-informed readers, most of whom are planning to stop living a life of any remote happiness or enjoyment in order to curb the risk of cancer. Primarily, these highly educated individuals and families will lock themselves in their houses, boarding up all doors and windows and wrapping themselves in multiple layers of clothes and blankets as both wood fires and central heating can apparently cause cancer as well. Once this stage has been reached, these people will refuse to leave their homes for the next two years until the threat of cancer has been significantly reduced, or until Madeline McCann has been found.
The Daily Express went on to suggest that readers first lose the will to live before continuing to read the newspaper for more helpful advice, tips and well-written articles, as this will reduce sudden rises in stress levels at reading such ridiculous news stories, which also cause cancer.
This suggestion goes against the common belief that most people hold as they usually lose the will to live after reading the Daily Express and not beforehand.
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