A fun loving group of Daily Mail journalists have today started a campaign to eliminate the presence of sexually suggestive journalism across all forms of British media.
The group of seven journalists have called themselves 'Children Come First', and claim that they are motivated by 'the urge to rid modern day media of the filth and degradation in content that has led to the corruption of our children, as well as the rise in teenage pregnancy and divorce figures.'
In a group statement, Children Come First claim:
"For too long now pedlars of filth and smut have become an accepted element in our society, and they have been spreading their ejaculations to all comers. These words and thoughts have been dripping with double entendres, an their articles have been thrust into our faces, and the faces of our children, and we've been forced to swallow it all because we're too polite to spit it out and say no.
Us fully grown adults can only blame ourselves, but for these words to penetrate the supple, warm minds of our children, sliding inside unhindered because they don't know what's going on - that is simply unacceptable. We have already seen that when these sleaze munchers force themselves onto our children, either with the work of their fingers or orally, they become corrupted very quickly and end up getting pregnant with the child of an illegal immigrant, and then get married and divorced, all before the age of 15. Because of all this, it's up to us here to beat off this competition for decency, not matter how stiff and hard it may be; we must persevere and fight for what's right. It's up to us to make sure that Children Come First."
Children Come First's mission statement has been met with a mixed reaction, however, as some have viewed their actions being too hard and penetrating, and will make people sit uncomfortably, while others say that the journalists are too soft and their words are far too limp and flaccid to be able to bang society into any changes. Either way, the balls are in motion and the issue will certainly become a handful.
Monday, 29 November 2010
Bose Study Reveals Most Frequently Switched Off Songs
A year long study by Bose has unearthed the songs that are most frequently switched off by men and women respectively. The study took 18 months to complete and cost around £1.7 million in total, but the results and the conclusions drawn from it look set to blow open the gender war once again.
According to the study, the song most likely to be switched off by women is Your Song, by Elton John. Of greatest interest, though, is that all of the women who took part in the study turned this song off at exactly the same point. The point in question is in the very first verse:
It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but -
As a Bose tea boy, who happens to be a psychology graduate, explains: "When Elton muttered his humble, poor 'but', every woman in the survey turned off the stereo. It was uncanny. When they knew that the voice singing the tenderly loving words was actually a poor man, they just lost interest completely. The 'but' became irrelevant, as there is simply no argument: no money, no hope."
In contrast, the song most likely to be switched off by men is Wannabe, by the Spice Girls. As with the women in the study, the men all turned off this song at exactly the same point. This point was:
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends -
The same tea-boy-psychology graduate-insider revealed that "when the men heard a chirpy, flirty female voice saying that a man would have to socialise with her friends before they could become lovers, they instantly lost interest and switched the song off. Men think it's boring enough trying to cement a sexual relationship with a woman on a one-on-one basis, let alone having to get the approval of her friends before anything can happen. It's just simply not worth it, and the results reflect that."
Naturally, men and women around the country have been debating the results, with women complaining to their boyfriends and husbands that all they want is sex and don't care about their friends and their relationship, while men keep telling their girlfriends and wives to shut up and get into bed. It soon appeared, though, that most of these arguments were resolved when the men popped out and bought their women a nice present before they hopped into the sack and forgot all their problems.
According to the study, the song most likely to be switched off by women is Your Song, by Elton John. Of greatest interest, though, is that all of the women who took part in the study turned this song off at exactly the same point. The point in question is in the very first verse:
It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but -
As a Bose tea boy, who happens to be a psychology graduate, explains: "When Elton muttered his humble, poor 'but', every woman in the survey turned off the stereo. It was uncanny. When they knew that the voice singing the tenderly loving words was actually a poor man, they just lost interest completely. The 'but' became irrelevant, as there is simply no argument: no money, no hope."
In contrast, the song most likely to be switched off by men is Wannabe, by the Spice Girls. As with the women in the study, the men all turned off this song at exactly the same point. This point was:
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends -
The same tea-boy-psychology graduate-insider revealed that "when the men heard a chirpy, flirty female voice saying that a man would have to socialise with her friends before they could become lovers, they instantly lost interest and switched the song off. Men think it's boring enough trying to cement a sexual relationship with a woman on a one-on-one basis, let alone having to get the approval of her friends before anything can happen. It's just simply not worth it, and the results reflect that."
Naturally, men and women around the country have been debating the results, with women complaining to their boyfriends and husbands that all they want is sex and don't care about their friends and their relationship, while men keep telling their girlfriends and wives to shut up and get into bed. It soon appeared, though, that most of these arguments were resolved when the men popped out and bought their women a nice present before they hopped into the sack and forgot all their problems.
Thursday, 25 November 2010
Nick Clegg refuses to give children Xmas presents despite promises
Nick Clegg, Deputy Prime Minister and Tea Boy for the Coalition government, has sensationally refused to give his children any Christmas presents this year despite promises being made for lots of presents in April.
Nick Clegg also revealed that he never had any intention of giving his children Christmas presents and made the promise so they would behave themselves and vote for him for the Daddies Sauce Dad of the Year award previously won by John Terry.
Nick Clegg has faced criticism following this revelation. But has insisted that this change of heart had nothing to do with gathering votes for the Dad of the Year award in May and was instead due to the fact that the demands of his children for presents were too high.
Defending his actions, Nick Clegg claimed, "The price of Christmas presents have gone up significantly under the Labour government for the past 13 years. In 1996 I could get away with a Buzz Lightyear toy, but now I have to buy the Kinect for the X-Box. In April I was not made aware of the price of the Kinect for the X-Box, but now I am, it is something that I can simply not afford."
Nick Clegg has been threatened with angry opposition from his children who have protested against the lack of Christmas presents by refusing to do their homework or eat their vegetables at the dinner table.
In an effort to calm down the children, Clegg's wife stepped in and informed them that Father Christmas will be able to provide them with plenty of presents to make up for her useless husband. However, Uncle David Cameron later told the children that the annual visit of Father Christmas to millions of homes in Britain had been axed as part of the budget cuts.
Nick Clegg also revealed that he never had any intention of giving his children Christmas presents and made the promise so they would behave themselves and vote for him for the Daddies Sauce Dad of the Year award previously won by John Terry.
Nick Clegg has faced criticism following this revelation. But has insisted that this change of heart had nothing to do with gathering votes for the Dad of the Year award in May and was instead due to the fact that the demands of his children for presents were too high.
Defending his actions, Nick Clegg claimed, "The price of Christmas presents have gone up significantly under the Labour government for the past 13 years. In 1996 I could get away with a Buzz Lightyear toy, but now I have to buy the Kinect for the X-Box. In April I was not made aware of the price of the Kinect for the X-Box, but now I am, it is something that I can simply not afford."
Nick Clegg has been threatened with angry opposition from his children who have protested against the lack of Christmas presents by refusing to do their homework or eat their vegetables at the dinner table.
In an effort to calm down the children, Clegg's wife stepped in and informed them that Father Christmas will be able to provide them with plenty of presents to make up for her useless husband. However, Uncle David Cameron later told the children that the annual visit of Father Christmas to millions of homes in Britain had been axed as part of the budget cuts.
Monday, 22 November 2010
Arsene Wenger Spends A Day Abusing Fan At Work
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was today given unrivalled access in to the life of an Arsenal season ticket holder who verbally abused him from the stands throughout the second half of his teams shock defeat to Champions League favourites Spurs.
It is believed that a club insider tracked down the name and address of the fan (Gaz McGeezer) and handed it to Mr. Wenger, who has proceeded to track the fan down and follow him around for the day, verbally insulting him and criticising his decision making skills.
The day started badly for Mr. McGeezer, who has recently had his wife leave him, taking their children with him. As such he was late waking up in the morning, and as he left his house Mr. Wenger jumped out of his car and started shouting "WHERE'S YOUR WIFE? WHERE'S YOUR WIFE YOU FAT W*NKER?!" Mr. McGeezer looked on in a stunned silence, before Mr. Wenger continued "WHERE'S YOUR KIDS YOU STUPID C*NT? WHERE'S YOUR F*CKING KIDS?", before singing "GOT NO WIFE, GOT NO KIDS, GOT NO WIFE, GOT NO KIDS!" clapping along and smiling.
Mr. McGeezer, a mechanic, then arrived at work to begin his day. Mr. Wenger took up a seat in the corner of the garage and monitored Mr. McGeezer's movements closely. The morning dragged, with little action, so Mr. Wenger was forced to just shout out the occasional "W*NKER" or "YOU'RE SH*T, McGEEZER!" After every outburst Mr. Wenger would smile broadly to himself at a job well done.
In the afternoon a customer pulled into the garage claiming that Mr. McGeezer hadn't done a satisfactory job on her brakes. A delighted Mr. Wenger jumped up and started singing "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING", all the while making every hand gesture under the sun. When Mr. McGeezer approached his work colleagues they distanced themselves from his shoddy work, causing Mr. Wenger to bellow "YOUR SUPPORT IS F*CKING SH*T!!"
After correcting his mistake, the customer drove off to the echoes of "WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY, WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY!" emanating from Mr. Wenger's throat. Mr. Wenger then threw a coin at Mr. McGeezer's head, dropping him to the floor with a gaping cut on his head. As work colleagues came to Mr. McGeezer's aid, Mr Wenger let off a red flare and held it aloft triumphantly before pointing at Mr. McGeezer and making a cut throat gesture. A mentally exhausted Mr' McGeezer finally asked, "Why are you doing this?", to which Mr. Wenger replied, "it's all part of the game sunshine, innit."
It is believed that a club insider tracked down the name and address of the fan (Gaz McGeezer) and handed it to Mr. Wenger, who has proceeded to track the fan down and follow him around for the day, verbally insulting him and criticising his decision making skills.
The day started badly for Mr. McGeezer, who has recently had his wife leave him, taking their children with him. As such he was late waking up in the morning, and as he left his house Mr. Wenger jumped out of his car and started shouting "WHERE'S YOUR WIFE? WHERE'S YOUR WIFE YOU FAT W*NKER?!" Mr. McGeezer looked on in a stunned silence, before Mr. Wenger continued "WHERE'S YOUR KIDS YOU STUPID C*NT? WHERE'S YOUR F*CKING KIDS?", before singing "GOT NO WIFE, GOT NO KIDS, GOT NO WIFE, GOT NO KIDS!" clapping along and smiling.
Mr. McGeezer, a mechanic, then arrived at work to begin his day. Mr. Wenger took up a seat in the corner of the garage and monitored Mr. McGeezer's movements closely. The morning dragged, with little action, so Mr. Wenger was forced to just shout out the occasional "W*NKER" or "YOU'RE SH*T, McGEEZER!" After every outburst Mr. Wenger would smile broadly to himself at a job well done.
In the afternoon a customer pulled into the garage claiming that Mr. McGeezer hadn't done a satisfactory job on her brakes. A delighted Mr. Wenger jumped up and started singing "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING", all the while making every hand gesture under the sun. When Mr. McGeezer approached his work colleagues they distanced themselves from his shoddy work, causing Mr. Wenger to bellow "YOUR SUPPORT IS F*CKING SH*T!!"
After correcting his mistake, the customer drove off to the echoes of "WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY, WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY!" emanating from Mr. Wenger's throat. Mr. Wenger then threw a coin at Mr. McGeezer's head, dropping him to the floor with a gaping cut on his head. As work colleagues came to Mr. McGeezer's aid, Mr Wenger let off a red flare and held it aloft triumphantly before pointing at Mr. McGeezer and making a cut throat gesture. A mentally exhausted Mr' McGeezer finally asked, "Why are you doing this?", to which Mr. Wenger replied, "it's all part of the game sunshine, innit."
NEWS OF THE WORLD EXCLUSIVE: PUDSEY THE PAEDO
The whole of the UK is in shock after it was exclusively revealed yesterday by the News of the World that Pudsey the Bear is a convicted paedophile.
An undercover News of the World reporter disguised as a sheik enticed Pudsey with an array of children from different ethnic backgrounds in a secret meeting at a hotel in London. The undercover sting occurred after the newspaper learned that Pudsey, or Mr Bear as he was known to his pupils, was sacked by a top public school for sexual activity with a minor known as Gideon Osborne.
Pudsey has since reinvented himself as the mascot for Children in Need by sporting the trademark bandage over the right eye as a cunning disguise fooling the millions of viewers that watch the tedious 6 hour programme every November.
One former pupil said, "I didn't recognise him at all, but now he's removed that bandage it all makes perfect sense."
In light of these revelations the Daily Mail has today published a story that claims Pudsey the Bear is an illegal immigrant from Iraq called Pudsee Al-Bearzari, who lives in a five bedroom house in Hampstead, but still collects benefits from the UK taxpayer. While the Daily Express has suggested that Mr Bear was involved in both the death of Princess Diana and the kidnapping of Madeline McCann.
The Sun has also launched a campaign to raise awareness of paedophilic bears in the local community called 'Bear Watch.' The campaign has already questioned Winnie the Pooh's relationship with Christopher Robin and accused him of beastiality with a piglet.
An undercover News of the World reporter disguised as a sheik enticed Pudsey with an array of children from different ethnic backgrounds in a secret meeting at a hotel in London. The undercover sting occurred after the newspaper learned that Pudsey, or Mr Bear as he was known to his pupils, was sacked by a top public school for sexual activity with a minor known as Gideon Osborne.
Pudsey has since reinvented himself as the mascot for Children in Need by sporting the trademark bandage over the right eye as a cunning disguise fooling the millions of viewers that watch the tedious 6 hour programme every November.
One former pupil said, "I didn't recognise him at all, but now he's removed that bandage it all makes perfect sense."
In light of these revelations the Daily Mail has today published a story that claims Pudsey the Bear is an illegal immigrant from Iraq called Pudsee Al-Bearzari, who lives in a five bedroom house in Hampstead, but still collects benefits from the UK taxpayer. While the Daily Express has suggested that Mr Bear was involved in both the death of Princess Diana and the kidnapping of Madeline McCann.
The Sun has also launched a campaign to raise awareness of paedophilic bears in the local community called 'Bear Watch.' The campaign has already questioned Winnie the Pooh's relationship with Christopher Robin and accused him of beastiality with a piglet.
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Kings of Leon Disband After Disappearing Up Own Arseholes
The once great rock band Kings of Leon have disbanded with immediate effect after it was revealed that they have disappeared up their own arseholes. The news has come as a shock to some, but no surprise at all to others.
It is reported that during the recording of the band's fourth album, Only By The Night, lead singer Caleb Followill confessed to his bandmates/family members that he had been experimenting with sticking his index finger into his own anus. This then naturally led to the insertion of more fingers, followed by the whole fist, and then even the arm itself up to the elbow. After waxing lyrical about how amazing his own rectum was, the entire band followed suit, each finding the feel and smell incredibly moreish.
As this activity bordered on addiction, it is believed that Nathan Followill suggested that the band focus on actually trying to make music that actually had meaning and heart again. The concerns were laughed off, though, and the band went on to write Sex on Fire, Cold Desert and 17.
By the time the band came to record the follow up album Come Around Sundown, they were now completely immersed in their own arseholes, and Caleb was quoted at the time as saying "fuck it, let's just put any old shit out, the casuals are lapping this crap up." They managed to pull themselves out for a brief spell to record the video for the single Radioactive, in which they frolic with numerous black children, showing them a good time with their big rock star hearts, playing football with them, running through sprinklers, eating a tasty lunch and flying kites and such. The usual.
But now they have disappeared completely, fans have been reacting the world over. One fan claimed that "their first two albums are like a gift from a musical God, they were so raw, unique and different to anything else around at the time, even now. They did let their standards drop a bit, but now we know why we can try and learn the lessons and not disappear up our own arseholes."
Another fan, who was unaware of the band's disappearance simply commented; WWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SEX ON FIRE WOOOOOOO YEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
It is reported that during the recording of the band's fourth album, Only By The Night, lead singer Caleb Followill confessed to his bandmates/family members that he had been experimenting with sticking his index finger into his own anus. This then naturally led to the insertion of more fingers, followed by the whole fist, and then even the arm itself up to the elbow. After waxing lyrical about how amazing his own rectum was, the entire band followed suit, each finding the feel and smell incredibly moreish.
As this activity bordered on addiction, it is believed that Nathan Followill suggested that the band focus on actually trying to make music that actually had meaning and heart again. The concerns were laughed off, though, and the band went on to write Sex on Fire, Cold Desert and 17.
By the time the band came to record the follow up album Come Around Sundown, they were now completely immersed in their own arseholes, and Caleb was quoted at the time as saying "fuck it, let's just put any old shit out, the casuals are lapping this crap up." They managed to pull themselves out for a brief spell to record the video for the single Radioactive, in which they frolic with numerous black children, showing them a good time with their big rock star hearts, playing football with them, running through sprinklers, eating a tasty lunch and flying kites and such. The usual.
But now they have disappeared completely, fans have been reacting the world over. One fan claimed that "their first two albums are like a gift from a musical God, they were so raw, unique and different to anything else around at the time, even now. They did let their standards drop a bit, but now we know why we can try and learn the lessons and not disappear up our own arseholes."
Another fan, who was unaware of the band's disappearance simply commented; WWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SEX ON FIRE WOOOOOOO YEEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
Jens Lehman's Film Reviews For Laymans: Pretty Woman
So, the moral of Pretty Woman is:
If you sleep with as many men as you possibly can, then maybe one day you'll meet a rich businessman who will pay you to be his girlfriend.
If you sleep with as many men as you possibly can, then maybe one day you'll meet a rich businessman who will pay you to be his girlfriend.
Jens Lehman's Film Reviews For Laymans: Beauty and the Beast
So, the moral of Beauty and the Beast is:
Take a gamble on ugly, aggressive people because one day they might become handsome and you can live in a castle.
Take a gamble on ugly, aggressive people because one day they might become handsome and you can live in a castle.
Jens Lehman's Film Reviews For Laymans: Dirty Dancing
So, the moral of Dirty Dancing is:
If you fancy a bad boy rebel dancer who wears sunglasses indoors at night, just get Daddy to pay for his friend's abortion and he will be forced to love you.
If you fancy a bad boy rebel dancer who wears sunglasses indoors at night, just get Daddy to pay for his friend's abortion and he will be forced to love you.
Friday, 19 November 2010
Irish Government Apologises For Jedward
The Irish Government has today sent out a public, heartfelt apology to the world for having spawned the crap-pop-freak show Jedward. The apology was particularly aimed the people of the UK, who have had to suffer this inhuman blight more than anyone else on the planet.
Having remained silent from their first appearance on the X-Factor until now, the Irish government felt it was finally time to distance themselves from the hyperactive homoerotic twins from Dublin. Speaking on behalf of the nation, Irish president Mary McAleese said:
The time has come for the Irish nation to apologise for these two identical dickheads. We're sorry. We know they had a bit of that freak show interest at first, that whole 'are they actually real people?' aura about them. The massive hair, the bouncing off the walls, the fact that neither of them could get one-third of the way through a sentence without the other one joining in - we're sorry. And their songs. Fuck. We're so sorry. They have no talent, we know that, but they got through passport control our end and scurried onto X-Factor where any old bugger can make it. But still - we're sorry.
Ms McAleese offered two shards of glorious hope, however. Firstly, she said that the Irish people had been given the chance to nominate one of their own to scour the globe looking for Jedward in order to behead them with a blunt, rusty machete. The Irish people chose Gerrard Butler. It was soon pointed out that the hunky actor is actually Scottish, but everyone agreed that he sounded Irish and that would do. Plus, he's King Leonidas.
However, even if the sickening, spring-loaded cretins manage to avoid Gerrard Butler, it was also revealed that they have a dangerously high level of crap running through their veins, which simultaneously explains the lack of talent, intelligence and inability to speak. As the levels of crap increase rapidly with every pseudo-hip hop remix of an otherwise harmless song, Jedward move ever closer to their own oblivion. And then all will be quiet, and we will enjoy the silence. For a minute or two. Silence. Soon.
Having remained silent from their first appearance on the X-Factor until now, the Irish government felt it was finally time to distance themselves from the hyperactive homoerotic twins from Dublin. Speaking on behalf of the nation, Irish president Mary McAleese said:
The time has come for the Irish nation to apologise for these two identical dickheads. We're sorry. We know they had a bit of that freak show interest at first, that whole 'are they actually real people?' aura about them. The massive hair, the bouncing off the walls, the fact that neither of them could get one-third of the way through a sentence without the other one joining in - we're sorry. And their songs. Fuck. We're so sorry. They have no talent, we know that, but they got through passport control our end and scurried onto X-Factor where any old bugger can make it. But still - we're sorry.
Ms McAleese offered two shards of glorious hope, however. Firstly, she said that the Irish people had been given the chance to nominate one of their own to scour the globe looking for Jedward in order to behead them with a blunt, rusty machete. The Irish people chose Gerrard Butler. It was soon pointed out that the hunky actor is actually Scottish, but everyone agreed that he sounded Irish and that would do. Plus, he's King Leonidas.
However, even if the sickening, spring-loaded cretins manage to avoid Gerrard Butler, it was also revealed that they have a dangerously high level of crap running through their veins, which simultaneously explains the lack of talent, intelligence and inability to speak. As the levels of crap increase rapidly with every pseudo-hip hop remix of an otherwise harmless song, Jedward move ever closer to their own oblivion. And then all will be quiet, and we will enjoy the silence. For a minute or two. Silence. Soon.
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