Father Christmas accused of giving naughty children presents by Daily Mail

Daily Mail, defenders of "true British values", has today launched a scathing attack on Father Christmas, accusing him of wasting taxpayers' money on children that have been naughty this year.

An undercover report by fearless investigative journalists at the newspaper found that Father Christmas was changing the naughty list so that more children would get presents this year.

This kind gesture by the jolly old man, also known as St Nicholas, was seen as a deliberate waste of taxpayers money and not in line with the austerity measures introduced by the Coalition Government.

A columnist at the Daily Mail called Ima Racistbellend condemned the actions of Father Christmas, "This year has seen some of the naughtiest children come out in force to try and destroy this once great nation. Father Christmas needs to recognise this and respond appropriately by increasing the naughty list and making sure that children on this list know they will not be getting presents this year."

Prime Minister David Cameron was quick to criticise Father Christmas after the report, "The actions taken by Father Christmas do not support our fight against reckless spending and trying to cut costs after the financial mess of the previous government. Naughty children need to learn that if they behave badly then they will not be getting presents. Moreover Father Christmas should ensure it's harder for children to get on the good list to receive presents, as this will reduce costs for the UK taxpayer."

Father Christmas was unavailable for comment on the investigation as he was busy preparing from the festive season. However, the report comes at a bad time for the Lapland resident after several other newspaper articles into his private life have been made public this week.

This included a report by The Guardian which questioned his treatment of Rudolph the Reindeer and his refusal to take him to a vet despite his strange glowing nose and a BBC Panorama episode into the inappropriate working conditions of Elves.

More worryingly, another report in The Sun accused Father Christmas of paedophilic tendencies after it was found that he frequently emptied his sack close to children.

UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 4 (Norovirus)

In episode four of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’ it's Frank’s birthday. However, the day is lacking in cheer as Anton has taken Frank’s wish for a low key, no fuss birthday literally and has planned nothing, nor bought him a present or a card. At work, Frank encounters ‘sponsorship season’, and is submerged by requests for money, mostly for activities that Frank doesn’t deem worthy enough for sponsorship. An after work six-a-side football game soon turns sour after Frank is hit with a sudden bout of norovirus, causing him to vomit repeatedly and pass out on the pitch. Betty rushes round to see Frank, but they fall out over a lack of kisses in one of Frank’s texts. Anton then persuades Frank that he still needs to go out for his birthday drinks because Betty will sleep with someone else as she’s a greedy bisexual. Frank makes it out, but soon falls ill again, so Betty and Anton carry him out to a taxi, where they meet Nicola. They all head back in a cab, but their lack of money to pay for the cab ends up being fortunate for Anton.

I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Four: Norovirus

UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 3 (The Date)

In episode three of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’ Frank arranges a date with the girl from the flat party, Betty. Another co-worker, Stu, a wanna-be rapper, is led to believe that he has insulted Frank’s dead mother, and invites him and Anton round to his garage for some drinks to bury the hatchet. Frank and Anton are introduced to Stu’s rap group friends, otherwise known as White Chocolate. Anton proves himself to be adept at rapping himself, and he takes a shine to the group. Frank finds out that Betty is a bisexual minutes before their date, and is ill at ease with the news. The date is a disaster as Frank and Betty are complete opposites, but a bank card mix up leaves Betty thinking that Frank has romantic intentions.

I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Three: The Date

UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 2 (Flat Party)

In episode two of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’ Anton decideds on Saturday morning to have a flat party that same evening. With Frank, he rushes into town where they encounter a man who spits on the ground every few seconds, and a group of intimidating 15 year old girls. The party is seemingly falling flat until Nicola, the questionable girl of Anton’s desires, relocates an entire party that got shut down by the police to Anton and Frank’s flat. Anton sees this as a chance to make his move on Nicola, but she has other ideas and ends up with another man in Anton’s bedroom under the assumption that he is the manager of Crawley Town Football Club. Frank encounters a woman from his new work place at the party too, who teases him in the toilet and leaves him craving more.

I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Two: Flat Party

UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 1 (Pilot)

As with all writing, it's important to re-write and re-visit your previous work. So, with that in mind, we have re-visited and re-written parts of our unpublished sitcom series 'I'm Not Enjoying This.' First, we start off with the updated Pilot episode (obviously). Enjoy.

I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode One: Pilot

HEADPHONES4CHAVS launches Christmas charity appeal

The youth charity HEADPHONES4CHAVS has launched a special Christmas appeal looking for members of the public to donate their old headphones to chavs during the festive period.

The appeal comes after it was found that only 5 per cent of chavs actually use headphones when listening to music in public places. Instead preferring to let everyone hear whatever 'sick' beats they are listening to.

Dappy, a special spokesperson at HEADPHONES4CHAVS, believes people should be doing more to stop chavs going without headphones during Christmas.

He said, "Bare people have headphones, so why not donate some to my brothers who have to play their music out loud in public places such as the train, bus or even shops. It's just not fair blud."

However, the appeal has bought huge criticism from members of the public who believe they should not have to lend chavs headphones so they can listen to their music by themselves.

One person said, "Yes, I'm fed up of chavs on trains playing their music (and I use the term music loosely) out loud, but we should not have to donate headphones. Surely they could just buy a cheap pair or maybe steal some."

HEADPHONES4CHAVS is set to use aggressive marketing strategies to get donations, starting with a TV advert where a random chav plays his music out loud on his phone while holding it up for three minutes.

Cameron advises Sir Alex on Kneejerk Reaction to Manchester Derby

David Cameron has offered his specialist advise to Sir Alex Ferguson after Manchester United's humbling defeat to Manchester City.

The Prime Minister has advised Sir Alex to provide a kneejerk reaction to the incident, similar to the Coalition government's stance against the rioters in August.

Speaking in the Daily Mail, Mr Cameron said, "Much like how we dealt with the rioters, Sir Alex must seek an appropriate scapegoat to blame for the awful mess. I have drawn up a list which includes Anderson, Evans, Ferdinand and Evra."

"My personal recommendation would be Rio Ferdinand as he comes from a single parent background and was brought up on a council estate."

He continues, "My next step would be to make the entire Manchester United squad work double shifts and not be allowed holiday, just like we did with the police, with the similar threat of chronic cuts in the next few months."

"Once Sir Alex has annoyed his players, I would then do insincere photocalls to prove that both you and them are all in this together. This will gain popularity from the public and cement his position as a great leader of men."

David Cameron's advice has been echoed in numerous football forums with "fans" offering similar kneejerk responses. One fan called RedKev69 said: "Fergies lost it. He dsnt kno wot hes doin. He needs to go b4 he ruins da club I luv."

While another, StretfordSteve69, said: "We need to do away with da hole squad. Every1 needs to go. Esp da midfield and defense. Phil Jones is shit. I knw I said he woz da nxt Duncan Edwards a few wks ago, but hes not, hes shit."

Operation Kneejerk seems to be gathering momentum within the Old Trafford faithful, with many stating that the "tide is turning" and they need to "do something quick" before Manchester City win the Premier League, the Champions League, the FA Cup, the League Cup, the Europa League, the European Cup Winners Cup, the European Super Cup, the World Club Cup, the Johnstone's Paint Trophy, the FA Trophy and the Anglo-Italian Cup, before raping their wives and abusing their children.

Dale Farm evictions attracts more viewers than Big Brother evictions

Channel 5 are said to be furious after the Dale Farm evictions attracted more viewers than any of the Big Brother evictions, including the Celebrity ones.

Despite Richard Desmond putting numerous crappy Big Brother stories on the front page of the newspapers he owns, the Daily Star and Daily Express, the reality TV show has only just managed to beat the ratings of The Farm episode, when Rebecca Loos wanked off a pig.

In retaliation one of Desmond's newspapers the Daily Star is set to take pictures up the skirts of the women gypsy travelers as they leave Dale Farm, while the Daily Express will run their usual benefit scum, "they will give you cancer", "I wish Diana was still here", "this is the fault of the EU" news article about the Dale Farm travelers.

Channel 5 bosses are rapidly trying to think of ideas to stop this slump in Big Brother ratings, with one suggestion being that they house the Dale Farm travelers in the Big Brother house before evicting them one by one.

One Channel 5 employee claimed that it could be "the most exciting Big Brother in years" if they evicted the travelers and would offer the public "pure entertainment."

However, the channel could face stiff competition from ITV, with Simon Cowell wanting to add the gypsy travelers as a new group to the X-Factor competition to improve the programme's recent poor ratings.

This week's news.......

- England Rugby team lose to France in the quarter finals after three players steal the referee's radio and made lewd comments down it, instead of playing rugby. Posh people are hilarious!

- Rooney gets sent off after Dad and Uncle put on bet during Montenegro-England match.

- Amanda Knox is released from prison on the proviso of two bunga-bunga sessions with Berlusconi.

- The pioneer of Apple passes away. RIP Granny Smith.

- George Osborne panics after he hears that there's no more Jobs.

- Daily Mail to sue new film Contagion after it steals the newspaper's tagline "Nothing spreads like fear."

- Heather Mills gets blind drunk during McCartney wedding. Eyewitnesses at the pub said she was "legless."

- X-Factor announces a twist. None of the contestants are actually that talented.

This week's news.......

- Ed Miliband set to have charisma transplant to improve chances of being next Prime Minister.

- George Osborne turns to Plan B...... the singer, to solve the UK's economic problems. Everytime he's asked a question about the economy, Osborne will simply point to Plan B who will rap about how fucked everyone is.

- Berlusconi to sort out Italy's economic problems by not spending money on prostitutes, instead focusing his intentions on Amanda Knox when she's released.

- Tevez says he didn't refuse to play against Bayern Munich, he told Mancini to fuck off then refused to play.

- Daily Mail journalists masturbate over all the photos taken of borderline legal girls in their bikinis because of the hot weather and then write an article about the "disgraceful sexualisation of today's youth."

- Rihanna to get her snatch out in a church for her next music video, after a religious farmer refused to let her film a video in his field in her bikini.

- Conrad Murray to get appointed by the NHS in Glasgow after his trial due to the Doctor's success in dealing with patients constantly high on drugs.