- Ed Miliband set to have charisma transplant to improve chances of being next Prime Minister.
- George Osborne turns to Plan B...... the singer, to solve the UK's economic problems. Everytime he's asked a question about the economy, Osborne will simply point to Plan B who will rap about how fucked everyone is.
- Berlusconi to sort out Italy's economic problems by not spending money on prostitutes, instead focusing his intentions on Amanda Knox when she's released.
- Tevez says he didn't refuse to play against Bayern Munich, he told Mancini to fuck off then refused to play.
- Daily Mail journalists masturbate over all the photos taken of borderline legal girls in their bikinis because of the hot weather and then write an article about the "disgraceful sexualisation of today's youth."
- Rihanna to get her snatch out in a church for her next music video, after a religious farmer refused to let her film a video in his field in her bikini.
- Conrad Murray to get appointed by the NHS in Glasgow after his trial due to the Doctor's success in dealing with patients constantly high on drugs.
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