I-phone users lose the ability to do anything themselves

Amid the story on Tuesday that claimed millions of i-phone users were late for important meetings and work because their I-phones failed to automatically update the time overnight on Sunday, further reports suggest that users have now lost the ability to do anything for themselves.

I-phone users are turning into confused, angry drones as their i-phones refuse to do any of their basic daily functions that they could do themselves. These include getting dressed, eating, walking, buying stuff (apart from apps), doing basic DIY, drinking, brushing their teeth and bathing.

I-phone users are in outrage and claim the i-phone isn't as great as they once thought. Mark Denman from TOTAL BS Marketing, claims; "I was late to an important meeting because my i-phone didn't change the time for me. I'm a busy man who works hard and plays harder, I don't have time to do any of the other normal shit most plebs do on a daily basis. I expect my i-phone to do this for me."

Bill McCommon from Whitley in Reading also commented, "My i-phone is a bloody disgrace. I was taking a shit the other day and it wouldn't even wipe my arse."

Apple have responded to the i-phone epidemic, nicknamed Apple-Gate by many social commentators, with the following statement: "We are so cool and awesome, if anyone doesn't realise how cool and awesome we are, they can go fuck themselves."

More helpfully, one Apple worker stated that app manufacturers will be working on an app that allows the i-phone to do basic human functions on a regular basis.

We tried speaking to one app manufacturer but they were too busy developing another app that drinks an imaginary pint when the i-phone is tilted to comment.