In the light of Leicester City Council admitting that they aren't prepared for a zombie invasion, the Government has today admitted their own concerns about the British publics ability to handle any kind of post-apocalyptic scenario, primarily due to their behaviour at music festivals.
A political insider has claimed that an on-going Government study has been taking place at British music festivals for the past 20 years, as the isolated community feel they offer to attendees, with basic and scarce properties, along with little-to-no luxury, is reminiscent of what we could face should some kind of catastrophic event hit our beloved country.
The results are not encouraging.
Of most concern is how quickly normal, decent human beings descend into Neanderthal animals. When they arrive at the festival site these people are all smiles, flashing peace signs with their fingers, smiling and full of goodwill to their fellow man. However, in the space of three, sometimes only two days, these people descend to lows that would make a stray cat shudder.
Festival goers soon partake in eating food with their bare hands, or eating cold food straight out of tins; they urinate into plastic pint containers and then launch them into crowded areas; outbreaks of violence are common, and over trivial matters, they steal each others property, roll around in mud and puddles, puddles that they presume are water, sometimes naked; they riot, start fires, smash up festival property, shitting everywhere because the proper toilet facilities got so horrendously bad that people would rather poo in the bushes. Everyone partakes in a three day drunken bender, constantly sipping alcohol, brushing their teeth with gin and washing their face with strongbow, before snorting lines of coke of the foreheads of innocent children. Casual sex takes place at any given opportunity as men simply shout moronic statements at women, who in response remove their clothes and drop down to all fours.
Madness also appears to set in incredibly quickly, as statements such as "Scouting For Girls are such an awesome band, easily one of the best bands around at the moment", "Sex On Fire is Kings Of Leon's best track by far" and "Where do they play the old skool garage at?", can be heard, and with the intention of being taken seriously as sane statements.
Everyone becomes a massive dick, basically. Well, not everyone, obviously. But most.
Such a rapid descent into idiocy has caused ministers to start taking precautionary measures for the end of the world. London Zoo has been put on alert so that should the British populace be wiped out, the animals therein can ably take our place and continue the traditions and customs of our once proud country.
No comments:
Post a Comment