Father Christmas arrest puts Christmas in jeopardy

Father Christmas has been arrested as part of a police crackdown on paedophilles following the Jimmy Savile revelations. The arrest has put Christmas at risk for millions of children.

The Father Christmas arrest comes following allegations from hundreds of children who allegedly saw him emptying his sack in front of them every Christmas for the past ten years.

One victim said, "He would just come into our house and empty his sack all over the living room and into my stocking."

It is not yet know whether the victim's "stocking" is an euphemism or an actual stocking but police are looking into the matter.

In some cases the victims even claimed to be touched inappropriately by Father Christmas leading them to go as far to say that they "hate Christmas."

Another victim said, "Father Christmas would come into my room stinking of brandy and mince pies. He would then whisper in my ear before touching me inappropriately. There is a good chance that it was probably my pervy uncle Sidney, it certainly sounded like him, but it was probably Father Christmas."

The police have reassured the public that Father Christmas' arrest will not mean that Christmas is cancelled or at risk from being cut altogether. However, critics are less sure.

Lord Bell-end of Bell-enden says, "Father Christmas has put shame on the holiday we all love. He is an opportunistic and devious person that would take advantage of the UK public's goodwill and shamelessly empty his sack in front of children for years on end."

The arrest of Father Christmas has led to the police also investigating well-known children's TV characters who have had access to children in the past 20 years. Elmo has already been arrested for having sex with a minor but many popular children's TV figures are also set to follow. 

A police spokesperson says,"I can confirm that we are investigating one person that has been allegedly undertaking paedophillic activities for the past 20 years. We can't confirm who this is, but let's just say he resides in Crinkly Bottom, used to hang out with a weird little man with a beard and is pink with yellow polka dots."

Trump to protest against Democracy by 'throwing toys out of pram'

Donald Trump is set to protest against President Obama's democratic election win by throwing all of his toys out of a giant pram.

Mr Trump has already commissioned a giant pram to be built which will go through the streets of Washington DC before ending up outside the White House to stage a mass rant. Along the way 'The Donald' will throw all of his toys out of the pram.

The protest comes following the US Presidential election in what Trump described as 'a sham and a travesty.' Such strong words had only been previously heard from hair experts when describing Mr Trump's suspect toupee.

Donald Trump says, "To show my absolute disgust at Obama's victory, I will be throwing all of my toys out of a pram. The throwing of my toys out of the pram will demonstrate that I will not go down without a fight and will be making an important point in the only way I know how.

"Now is the time for all my fellow Americans, who are unhappy at Obama's victory, to join me by grabbing all their toys and throwing them out of a pram."

The move has been backed by Fox News who will be building a special giant pram for their news presenters, colourful personalities and owner of the 'news' station Rupert Murdoch. The 'news' station has been collecting toys around the clock so they will have enough to throw out of their pram.

A spokesperson for Fox News says, "At first we decided to call Obama a socialist then a Muslim then a terrorist and then someone who wasn't even born in America, but none of this has made any difference whatsoever. The only thing we can do now is throw all of our toys out of a pram."

London 2012 Olympic Highlights

Here are the main highlights from the London 2012 Olympics:

- China kidnap Mr Bean and place him under house arrest in retaliation for UK's better opening ceremony

- Conservative MPs encouraged to invite ruthless dictators with no morals and ethics to Olympic events after David Cameron has Vladimir Putin and Boris Johnson has Rupert Murdoch as guests of honour

- French cycling team go on strike over Team GB's use of round wheels for cycling events

- Australian team finally wins Gold.....for excuses why they haven't won an Gold medals

- Daily Mail look for angle about how Mo Farah will eventually use Gold medal to find terrorist activities which threaten house prices

- Daily Mail plot divorce of Jessica Ennis' parents to prove theory of multiculturalism correct by linking father with Kirsten Stewart

- IOC demand hair sample from Greg Rutherford after claims from other nations that it's impossible for gingers to win at sport

- UK handball and water polo teams get new comedy series on BBC3

- Michael Phelps quits swimming to start new life under the sea

- All female shot-putters fail gender test

- Beach volleyball final cancelled after male spectators launch into masturbating frenzy

- French make allegations against US domination of basketball by questioning their blackness and height

- The Boots in Westfield shopping centre sells out of morning after pills after last night in Olympic village for athletes....leading to more teenage pregnancies in East London

- David Cameron and Boris Johnson agree to dance off to decide next Prime Minister at closing ceremony

- Team GB donate a Gold medal to Australia

- Everybody goes back to not giving a shit about dressage

Osborne blames poor UK economy on K-Stew R-Patz break-up

George Osborne has today sensationally laid the blame for the poor UK economy under his watch as Chancellor on the Kirsten Stewart and Robert Pattinson break-up.

Osborne claims that another dire economic quarter directly coincided with the young couple's break-up despite it being announced two days after the poor financial state of affairs.

After blaming the previous announcements about the UK economy on cold weather, hot weather, wet weather, the Royal Wedding, Diamond Jubilee, poor people, wind farms, the Euro, the NHS, state education, Lib Dems, the Labour Party's economic policies in 1999, among other things, Osborne has decided to lay the blame this time squarely on the shoulders of Kirsten Stewart and not himself.

Speaking about the economy Osborne said: "Once again I am not to blame for this economic mess. Unfortunately this time it's the fault of Kirsten Stewart for despicably cheating on R-Patz. She has put the UK's future financial progress in severe jeopardy."

He continued: "Your Chancellor is simply unable to do anything when you're trying to revive the economy in such adverse circumstances. First, it was Labour then the poor people on benefits then the snow then the Royal Wedding then the diamond jubilee and now it's Kirsten Stewart. Gay vampire books and films were one of the only things doing well during the recession and this is now under threat because of Kirsten Stewart's selfishness. What can I do?! Nothing! It's an impossible task! People keep messing up!"

In an attempt to jump on yet another bandwagon, David Cameron stepped in to back-up his friend by stating that he expected a full public apology from Kirsten Stewart.

Mr Cameron said in a statement: "Kirsten Stewart has apologised to her boyfriend who she cheated on and the wife of the man who she cheated with, so the next logical step is for her to apologise to our Chancellor for thwarting his heroic efforts to redeem the economy, as well as the people of Britain."

This latest economic debacle has occurred at the same time as Mr Osborne leaving for his holiday, with the Treasury announcing that Mr Bean, who made his return to the UK during the Olympic ceremony, will replace the Chancellor during this time. The UK economy has already reacted well to this news showing that even a complete idiot can do a better job as Chancellor than George Osborne.

Bankers appointed to manipulate Olympic security

Barclays have been appointed by UK government so they can manipulate Olympic security to be productive and efficient.

Following their successful manipulation of the Libor rates, bankers at Barclays have been appointed by the UK government to manipulate security at the Olympics to ensure it's not a total fuck up.

Barclays will use their experience from Libor to ensure there are minimal market risks (terrorists) to stop the Olympics from running effectively. For manipulating security Barclays will be awarded with a multi-million pound government contract, plus all the champagne, cocaine and strippers they desire.

One Barclays employee says, "We've shown everyone how successfully we manipulated the financial markets, so why can we manipulate security too?"

Another employee says, "For some reason people don't like us, so maybe manipulating Olympic security will help . I don't know why people dislike us. I mean we behave irresponsibly, technically dabble in some illegal activity, demand bonuses for doing our job poorly, regularly use recreational drugs, visit strip clubs on a daily basis, let people know how much better we are than them and will occasionally visit a prostitute, but that's no reason to hate us."

Heinz launches special 50 Shades of Grey cans of beans

Heinz is set to launch new special 50 Shades of Grey cans of beans following the success of the books with women worldwide.

Heinz decided to launch the new special cans after discovering that women from all over the UK are flicking their beans after reading the book.

All over social media women have been talking about how they flicked their beans for hours on end after reading 50 Shades of Grey, even those that don't usually read, showing the popularity of the book.

One woman said on Twitter: "Oh my God! Just read 50 Shades of Grey and couldn't help but flick my bean afterwards. It lasted all day!"

Another said on Facebook: "I need to finish reading 50 Shades of Grey but started flicking my bean after the first two chapters."

And, finally, one woman said: "After reading the book, I let my husband flick my bean for a while, but it was a lot better when I was flicking it myself."

Other brands are taking advantage of the 50 Shades of Grey craze by releasing specific products designed to appease women after they read the book. These include Youngs' special clams, Tesco's flaps of beef, Morrisons' ham wallet, Allied Carpets' special muff carpet, Pukka's fur pie and Muller's quivering mound of love pudding.

Senior News International staff undergo memory tests

It has been announced today that staff at News International will undergo cognitive memory loss tests, after it was discovered that the vast majority of staff forget important information really easily.

This follows the Leveson enquiry when, after being pressed, important members of staff could not seem to remember really important information, which the vast majority of the public would definitely remember. Information such as hacking into phones or signing off private detectives to work for the company could not be remembered despite this being information that most ordinary people would have no problem remembering themselves.

However, perhaps more surprisingly, is that News International staff could remember random non-important information such as whose shagging who in TOWIE or Natalie Cassidy's weight loss programme, which often forms the basis of their news articles.

When asked about these tests at News International, Rupert Murdoch, who signed off these cognitive memory tests, stated that he didn't remember any conversation taking place about them.

Holmes loses out on Best Actress after Cruise divorce

Katie Holmes is set to miss out on an Oscar for Best Actress after announcing that she will be divorcing her husband Tom Cruise. She will miss out on the Best Actress award despite spending six years working on an epic film called 'My Husband is Gay.'

The film has taken a lot of Ms Holmes' time, with this meaning that she has featured in precisely no films since late 2006 when she started work on 'My Husband is Gay.'

The plot of 'My Husband is Gay' follows a former teenage actress star who falls in love with and marries an aging short film star. However, all is not as it seems, as this aging short film star actually believes that extraterrestrial civilizations and alien interventions created Earth and is also secretly gay.

The story then begins to unravel as the aging short film star makes his wife do bizarre things due to his beliefs, such as not taking drugs during the birth of her first child and trying to abduct the child so she can learn about the story of Xenu, while getting his hands on as much cock as humanly possible behind Ms Holmes' back.

Following the Holmes-Cruise divorce, Kelly Preston, wife of John Travolta, is favourite for the Best Actress Oscar for her film 'My Husband is Really, Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Gay.' Ms Preston has spent 21 years working on the film which follows a little-known actress that has to deal with over 20 years of unprecedented bumming from her husband who is so gay that his obvious homosexuality is no longer really a secret.

Jacamo And Dentists Reap Benefits Of Cupcake Trend

The current culinary craze for cupcakes topped with high rise structures constructed of icing (or frosting, for pretentious types) has proved to be a boon for both dentists and the clothing manufacturer for oversized, or fat, men, Jacamo, with both areas of trade reporting record profits.

The trend appeared to start when the phrase 'credit crunch' was first being uttered in those first halcyon days of the recession. As purse strings across the country were tightened and budgets were cut, millions of people suddenly decided to start baking cakes at home, replacing their once hideous and outrageous spending habits with equally monstrous iced cupcakes. The creations of these Frankenstein fancies, in the majority of cases built by women and thus referred to as 'cute', have proved to be a bigger burden on men due to the fact the women don't actually plan to eat the cakes themselves.

One pokry victim explained that his girlfriend 'decided to knock up a batch of fifteen cupcakes while I was at work. I walked through the front door and she was sitting at the table smiling at me with a plate of blocks of icing in front of her, each one with a tiny little cake underneath. I ate one to please her, somehow managing to find a way through the mountainous iceberg that sat smugly on top. When I finished she offered me another one. I asked her if she was having one, but she said no, because she was on a diet and didn't like cakes anyway. It soon dawned on me that I was expected to eat the entire batch. After this first time it has happened every few weeks. She even wedges entire biscuits into the icing now, too. My teeth are starting to fall out and I've gained two stone. She doesn't even ask if I want fifteen cakes, she just makes them, and if I say no she comes at me with a knife for not putting her feelings first.'

This harrowing account is by no means an isolated incident as men up and down Great Britain are racking up huge dental bills and registering accounts on the Jacamo website in order to replace their old, smaller clothes. In fact, just three weeks ago the first cupcake fatality was recorded as one doting husband attempted to eat a cupcake with a block of icing that stood at three feet four inches high and weighed approximately four stone. One eyewitness described the creation 'as though Godzilla ate a thousand boxes of Lucky Charms and then took a shit on a tiny cake.' As the man tried to grapple with the homemade monstrosity baked up by his wife, the miniscule cake underneath buckled and gave way, followed by the table that it was sitting on, causing the icing to topple forward onto the victim, pinning him to the floor, smothering his head. Ordinarily, the man could have wriggled free, but he had gained so much weight in the preceding six weeks due to his icing intake that he was too fat to simply roll over, suffering a slow sugary suffocation.

Cupcake critics say that men need to speak up and simply tell their other halves to stop making so many cakes, or to at least ask for some cake with their icing as a starting point. Some commentators are optimistic that David Cameron will dart his amphibian eye across the craze and decide to stage a photoshoot in which he appears to be spontaneously baking cakes like any normal, poor shit-eater would. It is hoped that when this happens, homemade-cupcake-iced-mountains-with-entire-biscuits-on-top will be dropped quicker than you can say 'Coalition.'

Doctors seek cure for 'Chav Tourettes'

Doctors across the UK are desperately seeking a cure for 'Chav Tourettes' after a monumental rise in the illness.

'Chav Tourettes' take many forms with the most popular being the "shout out of my shit car at random passers-by" form of tourettes. These random passers-by could be people simply going for a jog trying to keep fit or girls just trying to get from A to B.

One Doctor heavily involved in the research explains:
"'Chavs Tourettes' is an unfortunate illness that takes over the lives of many chavs on a daily basis. The most common form of chav tourettes comes from inside their unimpressive 'blinged-up' motors when they see people jogging. For some reason the thought of people keeping fit really angers chavs and this manifests itself in chav tourettes as they have no control over making a random noise which sounds a lot like the word 'wanker.'"

He continues:
"Anger is often a cause of 'Chav Tourettes.' Anger with others, their lives, who they are as people or just anger in general, which causes chavs to make these uncontrollable noises. However, other triggers such as sexual arousal can also create a form of 'Chav Tourettes.' For example when a random female walks past minding her own business, they cannot control blurting out some derogatory word, phrase or sentence."

Other than normal social situations, another main cause of 'Chav Tourettes' was shown to happen during football matches when a member of the opposition team dares to tackle or even touch them.

The Doctor explains:
"On the football pitch chavs are often at their most aggressive with this being where the most aggressive forms of 'Chav Tourettes' comes out. Unfortunately the slightest touch from the opposition sets off the 'Chav Tourettes' with those inflicted with the illness threatening to 'stab' or 'knock out' whoever touched them."

The UK government has funded research into 'Chav Tourettes' to deal with doctors are working around the clock to find a cure. To aid the research the Jeremy Kyle Show has recently donated 10 of its finest chavs for the benefit of medical research into the illness.