This week's news.......

- Ed Miliband set to have charisma transplant to improve chances of being next Prime Minister.

- George Osborne turns to Plan B...... the singer, to solve the UK's economic problems. Everytime he's asked a question about the economy, Osborne will simply point to Plan B who will rap about how fucked everyone is.

- Berlusconi to sort out Italy's economic problems by not spending money on prostitutes, instead focusing his intentions on Amanda Knox when she's released.

- Tevez says he didn't refuse to play against Bayern Munich, he told Mancini to fuck off then refused to play.

- Daily Mail journalists masturbate over all the photos taken of borderline legal girls in their bikinis because of the hot weather and then write an article about the "disgraceful sexualisation of today's youth."

- Rihanna to get her snatch out in a church for her next music video, after a religious farmer refused to let her film a video in his field in her bikini.

- Conrad Murray to get appointed by the NHS in Glasgow after his trial due to the Doctor's success in dealing with patients constantly high on drugs.

Mick Jagger Changes Name By Deed Poll After Terrible Summer Songs

Legendary leathery Lothario Mick Jagger has announced that he is changing his iconic surname in the wake of two dirge songs achieving chart success with the classic formula of being absolutely appalling. Unfortunately for Sir Mick, both of those songs bore his name in the title, something that has forced the Rolling Stones singer to distance himself from music of such poor quality.

X-Factor also-ran Cher Lloyd released the her debut single 'Swagger Jagger', which topped the UK Singles Chart. Seriously. No, seriously, it did. While not explicitly referring to Sir Mick himself, the snake hipped Stone admitted that he was distressed that people would think he had something to do with the song.

Jagger is quoted as saying; 'obviously when my name was mentioned I wasn't happy, primarily because no one really knows what a 'Swagger Jagger' is, so they just associate it with me, which actually made me vom non-stop for 37 hours. I was most upset.'

Sadly for Sir Mick, Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera also released their duet this summer, titled 'Moves Like Jagger'. Unlike Cher Lloyd's effort, this song explicitly references Jagger himself. This time, Jagger was despondent;

'Don't get me wrong, the song is kinda catchy and all, but don't people listen to lyrics anymore? It's utter shit, and no one has moves like me, I'm Mick Fucking Jagger, Maroon 5 need to check with me before putting out crap like this with my name on it! I chundered hard for 52 and a half consecutive hours.'

Luckily for Mick, his summer of misery has come to an end with the onset of Autumn, but he is taking no risks of a repeat, whatever the season. The artist formerly known as Jagger admitted; 'the experience of this summer has left me shaken, so I'm changing my surname by deed poll. From now on I will be called Mick David Cameron-Clegg. That name is already smeared with shit, and no one in their right mind is going to write a song about those two losers. Plus, it only costs £13.39, this gives me huge satisfaction.'

X-Factor producers laugh at contestant with Alzheimer's

The scandal surrounding the X-Factor has continued after it was revealed that the show's producers convinced a man with Alzheimer's to audition, just so everyone could laugh at him for half an hour.

The man with Alzheimer's, who was wandering around near an X-Factor venue, was targeted by producers who thought it would be "hilarious" to convince the man that he could sing so they could film the audition and broadcast it for ten minutes.

The man with Alzheimer's entered the stage looking dazed and confused, not really knowing how he got there in the first place. As he started to look more and more uncomfortable, audience members began to shout "off, off, off" before he duly obliged.

As the man with Alzheimer's left the stage, producers were seen high-fiving each other, stating loudly that what they had just seen was "the best X-Factor audition ever."

When asked about the man with Alzheimer's, where he came from and who he was, a producer said, "I don't care where he's from. Did you see him on stage? What a dick! We'll probably ask him back next year and do a ten minute feature about a really rubbish singer coming back for another audition. That shit will be hilarious! We should probably bring back Simon especially for that audition so he can put that knob back in his place. Deluded!"

Based on the success of the man with Alzheimer's audition, producers are planning to find people who have a number of terminal illnesses and convince them that they should enter the X-Factor auditions.

A spokesperson for the X-Factor said, "This year's X-Factor auditions were hilarious but next year's will be even better. The auditions are going to get terminal!"

Doctors report record amount of masturbation injuries after Scarlett Johansson leak

Doctors have reported a record amount of masturbating-related injuries after nude photos of Scarlett Johansson were leaked on the internet.

The nude photos have led to some men taking part in 48 hour wankathons which caused, in some cases, severe nerval damage to the wrist.

One Doctor said, "The amount of wrist injuries we have received in the past 48 hours is ridiculous. Most men say it was caused when they were playing tennis, but it's far too convenient that all these people are suddenly "playing tennis" at the same time as these nude pictures were leaked."

"The NHS is stretched enough as it is, so the nude pictures of Scarlett Johansson could not have come at a worse time. We're running out of wrist guards and, in some extreme cases, slings."

Taking advantage of the leaked photos, Kleenex have developed their own Scarlett Johansson branded man-sized tissues to prepare men for their own personal wanking extravaganza.

A spokesperson for the company said, "Kleenex wishes to offer its customers the very best in comfort on their shaft while they masturbate over Scarlett and feels these new branded man-sized tissues will make the inevitable masturbating session a very pleasurable experience for them."

Due to the nude photos being leak, economic forecasters are predicting a poor week of financial results as most men will be staying at home masturbating.

George Osborne said, "This is yet another setback in the Coalition's plans for economic recovery after the disastrous legacy we inherited for the previous government."

"We are trying our best but unfortunately the economy cannot battle against these adverse challenges, such as the weather, the riots, and now the Scarlett Johnasson nude pictures."

Millions of bankers are set to miss work because of the nude pictures leak, which is probably a positive thing for the economy, as instead of wanking away millions of people's hard earned money, they will be wanking away to the photos.

UK government encourages job seekers through Sarah Jessica Parker

Prime Minister David Cameron is encouraging job seekers to gain employment through a new alliance with Sarah Jessica Parker.

Cameron will be using the Sex and the City star to show job seekers that even those with little talent and grotesque looks can forge a successful career for themselves.

Unemployment in the UK is at 2.5 million and the job outlook is very bleak, yet Sarah Jessica Parker still manages to find herself in leading lady roles, which is a phenomenon that no-one can explain.

David Cameron says, "Sarah Jessica Parker is the perfect person to use as an example to those seeking employment. She can show the unemployed that even those with little talent can make a success for themselves and give them the encouragement needed to take their first steps towards getting a job."

At the launch of the SJP Employment Bill for the Grotesque and Untalented, Sarah Jessica Parker said she was happy to be aligning with David Cameron and his latest political soundbite, as she is well-versed at representing "superficial bullshit" in her role as Carrie in Sex and the City.

When asked about whether there would be another Sex and the City film, Sarah Jessica Parker said it was "not in the pipeline" before taking a crap on a piece of paper and saying that the script was actually now ready for production.

'I'm Not Enjoying This' (Threesome)

Betty agrees to a threesome with Frank, but only after a disastrous gym session with Stu and a double-date with Anton and Nicola. What could possibly go wrong?

I'm Not Enjoying This S01 E05

'I'm Not Enjoying This' (Norovirus)

It's Frank's birthday, but unfortunately things don't go to plan. He is insulted by Anton, gets inundated with mundane charity requests at work, falls out with Betty, gets beaten by chavs at football and catches the heavily contagious norovirus. Can things get any worse?

I'm Not Enjoying This S01 E04

'I'm Not Enjoying This' (The Date)

This is the third episode of the sitcom called 'The Date' which follows Frank on his first date with the girl he met at the flat party, Betty. Unfortunately it doesn't go to plan...or does it?

I'm Not Enjoying This S01 E03

Mancini to show off midfielder collection at Collectormania

Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini is set to display his collection of midfielders at the next Collectormania event.

The event, which brings collectors and geeks from around the country, is set to host Mancini and his midfielders all week, with this unique collection expected to attract a host of admirers from around the UK.

Much of the collection, such as Silva and Nasri, are in mint condition. However, others are in bad shape such as the recently acquired Hargreaves which has had several broken limbs and De Jong which kicks people for no reason.

Speaking about his collection Mancini said, "I keep telling De Jong not to kick people but he doesn't listen."

"Hargreaves was a bit of a random acquisition. He's not in the best condition and I don't really think that I need him but still bought him regardless."

There are also other midfielders that Mancini tried to throw away because of his ever increasing collection, but unfortunately no-one is interested.

Mancini said, "I've been trying to get rid of Wright-Phillips for ages, but none of the other collectors want him. I don't know what to do anymore."

Other midfielders, which are in perfectly good condition, are still of no use to Mancini for some reason.

He says, "People ask me all the time, why don't you show off Adam Johnson more often? But they don't understand, I have my favourites and he is not one of them. I prefer to show off Zabeleta."

People have accused Mancini of being obsessed with collecting midfielders, with many believing that a lot of his acquisitions are wasteful and unnecessary. However, Mancini denies this.

Mancini says, "I'm not obsessed. I just like midfielders. Even Gareth Barry."

Luckily for Mancini, his collection is funded by a rich Arab who shares his passion for buying stuff.

He says, "I have financial backing, but this is not the only reason for my collection being so great. I play with them everyday and add value to them."

"However, there is always room for improvement and I'm sure we will be adding more midfielders to the collection regardless of price."

Nurofen dealing "rampant" at Reading Festival

The drug Nurofen Plus is being dealt to festival-goers at record levels following the recent announcement that packs of the drug had been sabotaged with a more potent narcotic.

In the biggest drug mix-up since ecstasy pills were found in packs of Skittles, some Nurofen Plus pills had been replaced with the anti-psychotic drug Seroquel XL.

Instead of offering pain relief, the sabotaged Nurofen makes people feel less psychotic, a rare feeling during a festival where others will quite happily chuck their urine or faeces at you for "a laugh" or to get with the "spirit" and "atmosphere" of the festivities.

However, reports indicate that the sabotaged drug was most in demand during the My Chemical Romance set, where festival-goers took the anti-psychotic drug regularly to ensure they didn't murder themselves or anyone around them.

Keen to have this feeling of anti-psychoticness, festival-goers are requesting the sabotaged Nurofen Plus at record numbers meaning drug dealers are trying their best to satisfy demand.

One drug dealer said, "I 'as been preparin' all year for da Reading Festival. I brought in all of da drugs you could tink ov, but now deez fools want Nurofen. Why would you want Nurofen, if you can get your 'ands on sum crack? It doesn't make sense bruv. In da end I sold sum fools da Boots paracetamols - deez people are propa thick!"

The increased Nurofen dealing is already raising alarm bells within government, with several MPs trying to ban the drug.

One Conservative MP said, "Nurofen may provide us with quick and easy pain relief, but if young people are taking advantage of the sabotaged drug then we must take the appropriate measures to ensure it does not get sold more widely."

Drug-taking at the Reading Festival had already come under scrutiny after it emerged that Boots had opened up a 'Morning After Pill' stand on the site. The 'Morning After Pill' stand was recording record sales, even selling more than the nearby burger and beer stalls.

A spokesperson for Boots said, "It seems obvious from these figures that despite the need for festival-goers to get "shit-faced" and "eat crap", there is even more demand for a morning after pill to be readily available at the competitive festival price of £50 each."