Doctors across the UK are desperately seeking a cure for 'Chav Tourettes' after a monumental rise in the illness.
'Chav Tourettes' take many forms with the most popular being the "shout out of my shit car at random passers-by" form of tourettes. These random passers-by could be people simply going for a jog trying to keep fit or girls just trying to get from A to B.
One Doctor heavily involved in the research explains:
"'Chavs Tourettes' is an unfortunate illness that takes over the lives of many chavs on a daily basis. The most common form of chav tourettes comes from inside their unimpressive 'blinged-up' motors when they see people jogging. For some reason the thought of people keeping fit really angers chavs and this manifests itself in chav tourettes as they have no control over making a random noise which sounds a lot like the word 'wanker.'"
He continues:
"Anger is often a cause of 'Chav Tourettes.' Anger with others, their lives, who they are as people or just anger in general, which causes chavs to make these uncontrollable noises. However, other triggers such as sexual arousal can also create a form of 'Chav Tourettes.' For example when a random female walks past minding her own business, they cannot control blurting out some derogatory word, phrase or sentence."
Other than normal social situations, another main cause of 'Chav Tourettes' was shown to happen during football matches when a member of the opposition team dares to tackle or even touch them.
The Doctor explains:
"On the football pitch chavs are often at their most aggressive with this being where the most aggressive forms of 'Chav Tourettes' comes out. Unfortunately the slightest touch from the opposition sets off the 'Chav Tourettes' with those inflicted with the illness threatening to 'stab' or 'knock out' whoever touched them."
The UK government has funded research into 'Chav Tourettes' to deal with doctors are working around the clock to find a cure. To aid the research the Jeremy Kyle Show has recently donated 10 of its finest chavs for the benefit of medical research into the illness.
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
Monday, 12 March 2012
Opponents of gay marriage think all homosexuals fancy them
New research has indicated that almost 90 per cent of those opposed to gay marriage think homosexuals fancy them.
Those questioned as part of the survey claimed that all homosexuals who they encountered in the street would always give them 'THAT look' meaning an obvious attraction to them.
One opponent to gay marriage said:
"I saw two men holding hands in the street so I looked at them in shock. I mean two men holding hands, in this day and age! Then, as I was starring at them trying work out how two men could be holding hands, they both gave me 'THAT look'. You know 'THAT look'? I've seen 'THAT look' on loads of women in my time and they all fancied me."
In the research 'THAT look' is described as a normal look that most people give to those that are starring at them. However, if 'THAT look' is given by homosexuals then it's classified as a sign that they fancy the person starring at them.
Another opponent to gay marriage commented:
"If gay marriage was all about love then I'd have no problem, but those gays constantly give me 'THAT look' which does not suggest love but instead suggests a love of cock and nothing else. I'm sorry but I can't support that. Even when they're married, they'll still be looking at me in the street and thinking 'Yeah I want a piece of that.'"
Religion has also played a role in the gay marriage debate. One Catholic priest who does not wish to be named said:
"It's the same with children, they give me 'THAT look', just like the homosexuals. I have no choice but to molest them, to fulfill their inpure, filthy, dirty, slutty, tight little minds."
Those questioned as part of the survey claimed that all homosexuals who they encountered in the street would always give them 'THAT look' meaning an obvious attraction to them.
One opponent to gay marriage said:
"I saw two men holding hands in the street so I looked at them in shock. I mean two men holding hands, in this day and age! Then, as I was starring at them trying work out how two men could be holding hands, they both gave me 'THAT look'. You know 'THAT look'? I've seen 'THAT look' on loads of women in my time and they all fancied me."
In the research 'THAT look' is described as a normal look that most people give to those that are starring at them. However, if 'THAT look' is given by homosexuals then it's classified as a sign that they fancy the person starring at them.
Another opponent to gay marriage commented:
"If gay marriage was all about love then I'd have no problem, but those gays constantly give me 'THAT look' which does not suggest love but instead suggests a love of cock and nothing else. I'm sorry but I can't support that. Even when they're married, they'll still be looking at me in the street and thinking 'Yeah I want a piece of that.'"
Religion has also played a role in the gay marriage debate. One Catholic priest who does not wish to be named said:
"It's the same with children, they give me 'THAT look', just like the homosexuals. I have no choice but to molest them, to fulfill their inpure, filthy, dirty, slutty, tight little minds."
Monday, 13 February 2012
Police announce refusal to shake hands will result in prison sentence
Following Luis Suarez's refusal to shake hands with Patrice Evra at the weekend, the UK police has announced that those refusing to shake hands with their victims will be given a harsh prison sentence.
In a move likely to stun the British public, the refusal to shake hands with victims of crime will get a harsher punishment than the initial physical violence or racist abuse.
A spokesperson for the police comments:
"The Suarez-Evra affair taught us one thing, the handshake is vital. It's all very well if you physically hurt someone or racially abuse them but not shaking the victim's hand is out of order and WILL NOT be tolerated. That demands an instant apology or punishment, more so than the initial crime."
A culprit of the crime said:
"I racially abused a random black fella the other day. I refused to apologise to him for this. It was his fault, he was black. As a compromise for my refusal to apologise, the police ordered me to shake my victim's hand, but I refused again. The police went mental, put me on the floor and forced me to apologise for refusing to shake his hand, so I did. Why didn't they react like that when I did the actual racist abuse?!"
The new law, known as the Kenny-Suarez Law, will come into play this week, with anyone refusing to shake hands being sent straight to court in a move similar to those involved in the riots last year.
One person taking advantage of this new wave of public opinion for handshakes is Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez who has yet to apologise for refusing to play against Bayern Munich but blamed his problems with the club on the fact he didn't shake hands with Mancini before the game.
Kia Joorabchian, Tevez's mouthpiece, said "Carlos now realises he was in the wrong. He didn't shake Mancini's hand before the match. That's why he was so pissed off - it's so clear to us now! Nothing to do with his refusal to warm-up and come on as a substitute. It was the lack of handshake! Tevez apologises for this. So to clarify Tevez apologises for the handshake and NOT for his refusal to play in the match. There problem over. Let's move on."
In a move likely to stun the British public, the refusal to shake hands with victims of crime will get a harsher punishment than the initial physical violence or racist abuse.
A spokesperson for the police comments:
"The Suarez-Evra affair taught us one thing, the handshake is vital. It's all very well if you physically hurt someone or racially abuse them but not shaking the victim's hand is out of order and WILL NOT be tolerated. That demands an instant apology or punishment, more so than the initial crime."
A culprit of the crime said:
"I racially abused a random black fella the other day. I refused to apologise to him for this. It was his fault, he was black. As a compromise for my refusal to apologise, the police ordered me to shake my victim's hand, but I refused again. The police went mental, put me on the floor and forced me to apologise for refusing to shake his hand, so I did. Why didn't they react like that when I did the actual racist abuse?!"
The new law, known as the Kenny-Suarez Law, will come into play this week, with anyone refusing to shake hands being sent straight to court in a move similar to those involved in the riots last year.
One person taking advantage of this new wave of public opinion for handshakes is Manchester City striker Carlos Tevez who has yet to apologise for refusing to play against Bayern Munich but blamed his problems with the club on the fact he didn't shake hands with Mancini before the game.
Kia Joorabchian, Tevez's mouthpiece, said "Carlos now realises he was in the wrong. He didn't shake Mancini's hand before the match. That's why he was so pissed off - it's so clear to us now! Nothing to do with his refusal to warm-up and come on as a substitute. It was the lack of handshake! Tevez apologises for this. So to clarify Tevez apologises for the handshake and NOT for his refusal to play in the match. There problem over. Let's move on."
Sunday, 5 February 2012
Facebook Spies Take Leave Due To Snow Updates
The multi-billion dollar spying network known as 'Facebook' is reported to have sent home as much as 97% of its workforce today, maintaining a skeleton crew to keep the website ticking over, as all everyone on the website is talking about is the snow.
A disappointed insider sighed 'when Facebook is running under normal conditions everyone in our network will happily share every single boring and mundane detail about their life. We don't even need to pressure them, it's just natural human behaviour to take a picture of your dinner and upload it, to take a 'wacky' photo of yourself wearing 3D glasses in the cinema and to post a thousand check-ins on your Saturday night out with all your friends tagged in so that everyone knows that you're out and that you have friends. People like to show off in public, even if it means going on Facebook during an apparently amazing night out. Obviously, we've been storing all of this information for years and selling it on to other relevant companies for use in targeted advertising.'
As tears started to well up in the insider's eyes, he or she continued; 'but as soon as it starts snowing everything changes. Everyone rushes to their computer or laptop, or grabs their phone in order to write a status update that it is indeed snowing outside, just so that everyone knows. Before long, this snowballs and news feeds everywhere are blanketed in a blizzard of snow related updates. There's nothing sadder than seeing the words "316 of your friends have commented about the snow". This is then followed by a flurry of photos of houses, back gardens and parks covered in snow, by people doing snow angels, by pictures of snowball fights and giant snow penises. It's the same every winter; it was nice the first time, but now it's hurting us, emotionally and financially. We can't sell that kind of information! It's just not fair!'
The insider soon cheered up, however, when he learned that the snow was starting to thaw, that normal service would resume and that the spies would be returning in a day or so to monitor the lives of Facebook users posting updates about things as boring as - snow.
A disappointed insider sighed 'when Facebook is running under normal conditions everyone in our network will happily share every single boring and mundane detail about their life. We don't even need to pressure them, it's just natural human behaviour to take a picture of your dinner and upload it, to take a 'wacky' photo of yourself wearing 3D glasses in the cinema and to post a thousand check-ins on your Saturday night out with all your friends tagged in so that everyone knows that you're out and that you have friends. People like to show off in public, even if it means going on Facebook during an apparently amazing night out. Obviously, we've been storing all of this information for years and selling it on to other relevant companies for use in targeted advertising.'
As tears started to well up in the insider's eyes, he or she continued; 'but as soon as it starts snowing everything changes. Everyone rushes to their computer or laptop, or grabs their phone in order to write a status update that it is indeed snowing outside, just so that everyone knows. Before long, this snowballs and news feeds everywhere are blanketed in a blizzard of snow related updates. There's nothing sadder than seeing the words "316 of your friends have commented about the snow". This is then followed by a flurry of photos of houses, back gardens and parks covered in snow, by people doing snow angels, by pictures of snowball fights and giant snow penises. It's the same every winter; it was nice the first time, but now it's hurting us, emotionally and financially. We can't sell that kind of information! It's just not fair!'
The insider soon cheered up, however, when he learned that the snow was starting to thaw, that normal service would resume and that the spies would be returning in a day or so to monitor the lives of Facebook users posting updates about things as boring as - snow.
Friday, 27 January 2012
Harry Redknapp hired by RBS
Football manager Harry Redknapp has today been hired by the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) as their chief economic advisor.
The banking firm, which is 80% owned by the UK taxpayer, decided to make the move after Mr Redknapp managed to successfully communicate no knowledge or memory of his financial misdemeanors in his trial for tax evasion this past week.
The banking firm were also encouraged by Mr Redknapp's admission that he writes like a two year old, as this immediately gives him a huge advantage over many of the RBS's employees.
An RBS spokesperson says, "We are delighted to welcome Harry Redknapp onto the RBS team and feel he can really turn around the firm's fortunes. During the trial we have seen how Mr Redknapp skillfully avoided tax and feel this is something we can use to good effect at RBS."
"Moreover his popularity with Spurs fans, many of whom are members of the Jewish community, will mean he's popular with our bankers, lawyers and accountants, many of whom are members of the Jewish community."
However, the news that a football manager has been hired by the RBS has been received negatively by the UK taxpayer.
A spokesperson for the UK Taxpayer Alliance said, "The UK public is already disillusioned with RBS after employees at the company received record bonuses courtesy of the UK taxpayer, so hiring someone with no knowledge of the financial sector is an extreme oversight on their part."
Mr Redknapp is set to be paid over £1 million for his role as the RBS's financial advisor, with any extra bonuses being paid into a special account in the name of his pet dog.
The banking firm, which is 80% owned by the UK taxpayer, decided to make the move after Mr Redknapp managed to successfully communicate no knowledge or memory of his financial misdemeanors in his trial for tax evasion this past week.
The banking firm were also encouraged by Mr Redknapp's admission that he writes like a two year old, as this immediately gives him a huge advantage over many of the RBS's employees.
An RBS spokesperson says, "We are delighted to welcome Harry Redknapp onto the RBS team and feel he can really turn around the firm's fortunes. During the trial we have seen how Mr Redknapp skillfully avoided tax and feel this is something we can use to good effect at RBS."
"Moreover his popularity with Spurs fans, many of whom are members of the Jewish community, will mean he's popular with our bankers, lawyers and accountants, many of whom are members of the Jewish community."
However, the news that a football manager has been hired by the RBS has been received negatively by the UK taxpayer.
A spokesperson for the UK Taxpayer Alliance said, "The UK public is already disillusioned with RBS after employees at the company received record bonuses courtesy of the UK taxpayer, so hiring someone with no knowledge of the financial sector is an extreme oversight on their part."
Mr Redknapp is set to be paid over £1 million for his role as the RBS's financial advisor, with any extra bonuses being paid into a special account in the name of his pet dog.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Record January masturbation levels down to Henry and Iron Lady
Masturbation levels for January have reached a record high following the two month loan signing by Arsenal of Thierry Henry and the release of Margaret Thatcher film, The Iron Lady.
The two month loan signing of Henry prompted many over excited Arsenal fans to blow their load and then express their intense masturbatory delight over the return of the club's legend on Facebook.
One status update from a fan read: "OMG OMG da king is bak. Henry is sik. Henry is sik", with many echoing similar sentiments.
The masturbation levels over the return of Henry then reached a record high after his goal against Leeds in the FA Cup, with many too excited to Tweet or Facebook after covering themselves in their own semen in celebration.
In addition to Arsenal fans, the other group of people playing a significant role in these record January masturbation levels were Young Conservatives who watched the new cinematic release, The Iron Lady.
The film about former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher led to many double-barreled tossers in the cinema audience masturbating to it throughout.
One cinema worker described the situation: "We had a group of Young Conservatives watch the film the other day. During the film they all just got out their cocks and started masturbating. I thought this was just the usual gay activities that most Young Conservatives got up to on a weekend, however, I was later informed that the group masturbation session was over Margaret Thatcher."
He continues "After the film they left laughing talking about how 'hot' Thatcher was, before racially abusing a black colleague of mine. They all found this hilarious. I didn't. Does anyone find Young Conservatives funny?"
The Iron Lady has even led to the re-emergence of a sex act called 'The Thatcher' among Young Conservatives and their girlfriends. The act involves Young male Conservatives dressing up as Welsh Miners while they get anally violated with a strap-on by their girlfriends who are dressed as Margaret Thatcher.
The two month loan signing of Henry prompted many over excited Arsenal fans to blow their load and then express their intense masturbatory delight over the return of the club's legend on Facebook.
One status update from a fan read: "OMG OMG da king is bak. Henry is sik. Henry is sik", with many echoing similar sentiments.
The masturbation levels over the return of Henry then reached a record high after his goal against Leeds in the FA Cup, with many too excited to Tweet or Facebook after covering themselves in their own semen in celebration.
In addition to Arsenal fans, the other group of people playing a significant role in these record January masturbation levels were Young Conservatives who watched the new cinematic release, The Iron Lady.
The film about former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher led to many double-barreled tossers in the cinema audience masturbating to it throughout.
One cinema worker described the situation: "We had a group of Young Conservatives watch the film the other day. During the film they all just got out their cocks and started masturbating. I thought this was just the usual gay activities that most Young Conservatives got up to on a weekend, however, I was later informed that the group masturbation session was over Margaret Thatcher."
He continues "After the film they left laughing talking about how 'hot' Thatcher was, before racially abusing a black colleague of mine. They all found this hilarious. I didn't. Does anyone find Young Conservatives funny?"
The Iron Lady has even led to the re-emergence of a sex act called 'The Thatcher' among Young Conservatives and their girlfriends. The act involves Young male Conservatives dressing up as Welsh Miners while they get anally violated with a strap-on by their girlfriends who are dressed as Margaret Thatcher.
Sunday, 8 January 2012
UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 6 (London Date)
Episode six of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’ is the final show of the first series. Frank and Anne-Marie are now seeing more of each other, but Anton is proving to be a drain on Frank’s time and patience as he tries too hard to get over his rejection at the hands of Nicola. At work, Frank has an extremely odd three month performance review, which he passes before having to perform a horrendous forfeit. Frank’s plans to take Anne-Marie out on a London Day Date make Anton furious, but his actions only cause an argument with Frank, and everything reaches an explosive head at the finale.
I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Six: London Day Date
I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Six: London Day Date
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 5 (Threesome)
In episode five of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’, Betty asks Frank what his sexual fantasy is. To deflect the question, Frank just answers that it would be a threesome. Betty, however, promises to make this dream a reality. Anton says he wants to go to the gym with Frank because Nicola prefers guys with amazing bodies, but when they get there they see Stu, and thanks to Stu trying to play the big man with the weights, they get kicked out. A double date is arranged, much to Frank’s annoyance, but he cooks a meal for Nicola, Anton and Betty because he says it will be as good as Nando’s. The date descends into farce, though, as Nicola gets drunk and abuses Betty and makes a pass at Frank. Betty leaves the flat promising to return with the third person for the threesome. When she returns she has brought back a man, causing a bust up with Frank. To clear his mind, Frank goes for a walk and encounters a young woman crying on a wall.
I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Five: Threesome
I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Five: Threesome
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Father Christmas accused of giving naughty children presents by Daily Mail
Daily Mail, defenders of "true British values", has today launched a scathing attack on Father Christmas, accusing him of wasting taxpayers' money on children that have been naughty this year.
An undercover report by fearless investigative journalists at the newspaper found that Father Christmas was changing the naughty list so that more children would get presents this year.
This kind gesture by the jolly old man, also known as St Nicholas, was seen as a deliberate waste of taxpayers money and not in line with the austerity measures introduced by the Coalition Government.
A columnist at the Daily Mail called Ima Racistbellend condemned the actions of Father Christmas, "This year has seen some of the naughtiest children come out in force to try and destroy this once great nation. Father Christmas needs to recognise this and respond appropriately by increasing the naughty list and making sure that children on this list know they will not be getting presents this year."
Prime Minister David Cameron was quick to criticise Father Christmas after the report, "The actions taken by Father Christmas do not support our fight against reckless spending and trying to cut costs after the financial mess of the previous government. Naughty children need to learn that if they behave badly then they will not be getting presents. Moreover Father Christmas should ensure it's harder for children to get on the good list to receive presents, as this will reduce costs for the UK taxpayer."
Father Christmas was unavailable for comment on the investigation as he was busy preparing from the festive season. However, the report comes at a bad time for the Lapland resident after several other newspaper articles into his private life have been made public this week.
This included a report by The Guardian which questioned his treatment of Rudolph the Reindeer and his refusal to take him to a vet despite his strange glowing nose and a BBC Panorama episode into the inappropriate working conditions of Elves.
More worryingly, another report in The Sun accused Father Christmas of paedophilic tendencies after it was found that he frequently emptied his sack close to children.
An undercover report by fearless investigative journalists at the newspaper found that Father Christmas was changing the naughty list so that more children would get presents this year.
This kind gesture by the jolly old man, also known as St Nicholas, was seen as a deliberate waste of taxpayers money and not in line with the austerity measures introduced by the Coalition Government.
A columnist at the Daily Mail called Ima Racistbellend condemned the actions of Father Christmas, "This year has seen some of the naughtiest children come out in force to try and destroy this once great nation. Father Christmas needs to recognise this and respond appropriately by increasing the naughty list and making sure that children on this list know they will not be getting presents this year."
Prime Minister David Cameron was quick to criticise Father Christmas after the report, "The actions taken by Father Christmas do not support our fight against reckless spending and trying to cut costs after the financial mess of the previous government. Naughty children need to learn that if they behave badly then they will not be getting presents. Moreover Father Christmas should ensure it's harder for children to get on the good list to receive presents, as this will reduce costs for the UK taxpayer."
Father Christmas was unavailable for comment on the investigation as he was busy preparing from the festive season. However, the report comes at a bad time for the Lapland resident after several other newspaper articles into his private life have been made public this week.
This included a report by The Guardian which questioned his treatment of Rudolph the Reindeer and his refusal to take him to a vet despite his strange glowing nose and a BBC Panorama episode into the inappropriate working conditions of Elves.
More worryingly, another report in The Sun accused Father Christmas of paedophilic tendencies after it was found that he frequently emptied his sack close to children.
UPDATED 'I'm Not Enjoying This' - Episode 4 (Norovirus)
In episode four of ‘I’m Not Enjoying This’ it's Frank’s birthday. However, the day is lacking in cheer as Anton has taken Frank’s wish for a low key, no fuss birthday literally and has planned nothing, nor bought him a present or a card. At work, Frank encounters ‘sponsorship season’, and is submerged by requests for money, mostly for activities that Frank doesn’t deem worthy enough for sponsorship. An after work six-a-side football game soon turns sour after Frank is hit with a sudden bout of norovirus, causing him to vomit repeatedly and pass out on the pitch. Betty rushes round to see Frank, but they fall out over a lack of kisses in one of Frank’s texts. Anton then persuades Frank that he still needs to go out for his birthday drinks because Betty will sleep with someone else as she’s a greedy bisexual. Frank makes it out, but soon falls ill again, so Betty and Anton carry him out to a taxi, where they meet Nicola. They all head back in a cab, but their lack of money to pay for the cab ends up being fortunate for Anton.
I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Four: Norovirus
I'm Not Enjoying This - Episode Four: Norovirus
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