Men With Perverted Urges Asked To Write Urban Music

In a bid to reduce the number of perverted and sleazy crimes, the acting Commissioner of the Met Police Tim Godwin has suggested that any men who are gripped by worrying, socially unacceptable sexual urges should write rap, hip or R'n'B songs (also known as jamz).

The suggestion comes after a spate of rapey, borderline misogynistic songs mysteriously found themselves at the upper end of the Top 40 Singles Chart. In these songs, male artists joyously proclaim how they see women as walking fannies that need to be smashed immediately. But, as these men are rich and famous, this behaviour is seen as 'cool' and 'bad boy', and so they are naturally swimming in poon, despite such beliefs.

In the song Give Me Everything (Tonight), Pitbull spits bare rhymes about being on a night out, seeing a girl he likes and then urging her to sleep with him because the world might end tomorrow. It's not a line that an average man in an average club can say without getting kicked in the balls, but if you have a music video, act really serious, look smug and have loads of money, then it is definitely cool.

Following this example, perverts across the country are picking up pens and ejaculating their thoughts onto paper, transforming themselves into suave playboys in the process. Tim Godwin claimed 'if a woman approached the Old Bill on a Saturday night saying that a man approached her saying he wanted to pour Lemon Curd over her naked body and then snort cocaine off of her bum hole while she took a whoopsie, naturally we'd arrest the man. However, if the man laid down a heavy beat and spat the rhyme

Uh, Girl, come back to ma crib,
Take off dem clothes,
Don't need no bib,
Gonna cover your skin wit Lemon Curd,
Snort blow off your ring,
While you crimp out a turd

then we would commend him for being proper sick; and we would encourage all other sexist, chauvinist men to do the same.'

The news has come as a welcome relief to millions of sexual predators everywhere who have until now been labelled as 'sleazy losers', 'poontang predators' and 'those scumbags who just hang around the whore slutbags in clubs until they're drunk enough to take home and bang', because now they can rightly be accepted into society as the rich and charismatic characters that they really are.