David Cameron and his crew set battle rap challenges

David Cameron and his crew of Tories are set to challenge the rioters and looters from last week in a series of battle raps to prove who has the ultimate crew.

Dismayed by the lack of respect from other crews during the riots, David Ivanhoe Cameron, known as the Notorious DIC to his crew, has laid down the challenge for battle raps happening across the UK in the next month.

The crew consisting of Theresa May (Lil' T), George Osborne (G-Money), Iain Duncan-Smith (I-Smitty) and Nick Clegg (Vanilla C) will travel around the riot hot spots trying to reclaim territory they lost last week.

Speaking to the electorate, the Notorious DIC promised retribution and revenge for other crews "dissing" him and his Eton Massive crew.

He said, "Last week der woz bare mans dissing me and ma crew. Dey don't no dat me and ma crew, Da Eton massive, r in charge of shit. Deez bredrins need to lern sum respect or els der wil be serious beef 4 da nxt few years. Brup!"

Each battle rap will take place against crews who the Notorious DIC believes are responsible for the riots, with the first one being at the weekend in Peckham against the Single Mothers.

This will be closely followed by the Police, the Liberal Intelligentsia, Da Nu Labour Posse, Young Black Youths and numerous chav groups.

Da Eton Massive are working on rhymes for the period of battle raps, which they hope will be finished by the time they go back to work in September.

The Notorious DIC said, "By da tym deez battle raps r ova we wil 'av control of da steetz and b in charge of shit agen. Der is bear mans dat wil b tryin 2 bring us down but we wont stop until deez haters r brought to der neez and dey accept dat we own dem. Brup!"

Da Eton Massive are predicted to win back control of the streets as they are rumoured to be extremely adept at rapping. Like rappers, Da Eton Massive show off about how much money they have, spout a lot of idle shit which think will win them support, have friends in high places and have a fondness for prostitutes.

Moreover Da Eton Massive have their secret weapon, Boris Johnson (B-Unit), who, like rappers, has been known to spout meaningless jargon at record levels.