Businessman John helps another friend in need with another "once in a lifetime" business offer.
Int. A personal office. John is sat behind his desk looking over some papers. A friend of his knocks on the door and lets himself in. He is looking very glum. John stands up and approaches his friend with a smile and a firm handshake.
John: Hello sir, how can I help you today?
Friend: Look, John, we’ve been mates for years now, so I know I can trust you – I’ve got a serious problem –
John: I don’t deal in problems, sir, I deal in solutions. Now tell me, are you satisfied with your internet connection?
Friend: What?
John: Does you current internet connection satisfy your demands? Is it performing efficiently?
Friend: Look, John, I’ve just been released on bail, I’m in serious trouble here
John: OK, yes, I understand that, sir, but let me just show you some these figures and let’s see if we can sort you out an upgrade for you.
John pulls out a folder from a drawer in his desk and opens it up. His friend shakes his head in disappointment and leaves the office. John looks puzzled.
John: That’s strange – some friend he is.
Tuesday, 31 August 2010
Saturday, 28 August 2010
WHY News: The "All-American" Newsroom
We hate Republicans and this sketch reflects the typical right-wing news channel in America. These news channels are so over-the-top that no-one can really take them seriously (think of the Daily Mail and then times it by 100). They often don't even report news, but rather give opinions about why other people are socialist, terrorists or don't love America as much as they do. So we decided to take a satirical look at this with a comedy sketch.
Int. The introduction of WHY news.
American voiceover: Welcome to WHY news with our all-American team. Lead anchor Chuck Manmeister.
Chuck Manmeister poses as he's about to throw an American football and has a cheesy grin.
American voiceover: Foreign news correspondent Champ McCarthy.
Champ McCarthy poses with a terrorist in a headlock before giving the thumbs up and continually punching him in the head.
American voiceover: Political correspondent Cleetus Inbred.
Shot of Cleetus Inbred who's a stupid looking man with teeth missing, a red neck, chewing tobacco, wearing dungerees, with a white KKK hood stuffed in his front pocket.
American voiceover: And our weatherman Jim Tornado.
Jim Tornado poses with an umbrella, hitting random black people as they try and escape floods.
American voiceover: THIS IS WHY NEWS!!!!
Powerful entrance music starts to play. Camera pans to the lead anchor Chuck Manmeister.
Chuck Manmeister: Good evening America. The top story this hour. Muslim terrorist Barack Hussein Obama passes evil socialist healthcare reforms for America. This will give all Americans the opportunity to have free healthcare. BABYKILLER!!!
Int. The introduction of WHY news.
American voiceover: Welcome to WHY news with our all-American team. Lead anchor Chuck Manmeister.
Chuck Manmeister poses as he's about to throw an American football and has a cheesy grin.
American voiceover: Foreign news correspondent Champ McCarthy.
Champ McCarthy poses with a terrorist in a headlock before giving the thumbs up and continually punching him in the head.
American voiceover: Political correspondent Cleetus Inbred.
Shot of Cleetus Inbred who's a stupid looking man with teeth missing, a red neck, chewing tobacco, wearing dungerees, with a white KKK hood stuffed in his front pocket.
American voiceover: And our weatherman Jim Tornado.
Jim Tornado poses with an umbrella, hitting random black people as they try and escape floods.
American voiceover: THIS IS WHY NEWS!!!!
Powerful entrance music starts to play. Camera pans to the lead anchor Chuck Manmeister.
Chuck Manmeister: Good evening America. The top story this hour. Muslim terrorist Barack Hussein Obama passes evil socialist healthcare reforms for America. This will give all Americans the opportunity to have free healthcare. BABYKILLER!!!
Thursday, 26 August 2010
Ian i-phone: Basic DIY
This time our good friend Ian i-phone tries to do some basic DIY, but doesn't want to use any tools and instead chooses to only rely on his precious i-phone.
Int. Ian’s girlfriend walks in to the bedroom. There’s DIY equipment everywhere. Ian is playing on his i-phone laughing as he plays with the drink a pint app.
Girlfriend: What the hell are you doing? I thought you were sorting all of this out. You’ve done nothing.
Ian: Yes I have. The shelves are straight - I used my i-phone to sort that out.
Girlfriend: No you haven’t, the shelves aren’t up yet.
Ian: Well there’s no app to put the shelves up.
Girlfriend: What?
Ian: There’s no screwdriver app or hammer app. I can make the shelves straight, but there’s no way I can put it up without the proper app.
Girlfriend: (With a look of absolute disgust on her face) How about you just use an actual screwdriver and hammer?
Ian: (With a look on his face that suggests she’s just made a ridiculous suggestion) I’ll see what I can do (Looks through his i-phone to see if there are any apps for DIY available).
Girlfriend: (Walks off muttering to herself) What's the point?!
15 minutes later Ian’s girlfriend walks back into the room. Ian has attached a screw into his i-phone and is trying to put up the shelves before using it as a hammer.
Girlfriend: For fuck’s sake (Walks off).
Int. Ian’s girlfriend walks in to the bedroom. There’s DIY equipment everywhere. Ian is playing on his i-phone laughing as he plays with the drink a pint app.
Girlfriend: What the hell are you doing? I thought you were sorting all of this out. You’ve done nothing.
Ian: Yes I have. The shelves are straight - I used my i-phone to sort that out.
Girlfriend: No you haven’t, the shelves aren’t up yet.
Ian: Well there’s no app to put the shelves up.
Girlfriend: What?
Ian: There’s no screwdriver app or hammer app. I can make the shelves straight, but there’s no way I can put it up without the proper app.
Girlfriend: (With a look of absolute disgust on her face) How about you just use an actual screwdriver and hammer?
Ian: (With a look on his face that suggests she’s just made a ridiculous suggestion) I’ll see what I can do (Looks through his i-phone to see if there are any apps for DIY available).
Girlfriend: (Walks off muttering to herself) What's the point?!
15 minutes later Ian’s girlfriend walks back into the room. Ian has attached a screw into his i-phone and is trying to put up the shelves before using it as a hammer.
Girlfriend: For fuck’s sake (Walks off).
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
Girlfriend Stopwatch #3
The Girlfriend Stopwatch returns and this time we're at a wedding, as a very drunk man called Clive tries it on with Celia, who, unfortunately for Clive, has a boyfriend that she really wuvs!
Int. Wedding reception. A drunk man holding a near-empty pint glass goes up to a girl standing by herself with a wine glass in her hand.
Man: Hi, how are you doing? Enjoyed the wedding?
Woman: Yes I did thanks, was a beautiful ceremony. So glad I came! What’s your name?
Man: Clive, yours?
Woman: Celia.
Man: Celia! What a lovely name! So do you know the bride or groom?
Woman: I know the groom from my boyfriend (Girlfriend stopwatch begins). He was friends with him at Uni, but he can’t be here today because he has work affairs to take care of unfortunately. I wasn’t going to go but thought what the hell, may as well! (Chuckles to herself) I’m really missing him though.
Man starts to look queasy.
Woman: He’s such a lovely man. Can’t wait till we get married. It’s going to be an amazing day (Man looks more queasy). I’ve got it all planned. I know where we’re going to have it. Who my bridesmaids will be. My vows. Just got to wait for him to propose, which will hopefully be soon, fingers cros….
Man throws up on the woman. The countdown clock stops at 25 seconds.
Man: I think you’re boyfriend should sort that out.
Man walks off as the woman stands at the reception covered in sick.
Int. Wedding reception. A drunk man holding a near-empty pint glass goes up to a girl standing by herself with a wine glass in her hand.
Man: Hi, how are you doing? Enjoyed the wedding?
Woman: Yes I did thanks, was a beautiful ceremony. So glad I came! What’s your name?
Man: Clive, yours?
Woman: Celia.
Man: Celia! What a lovely name! So do you know the bride or groom?
Woman: I know the groom from my boyfriend (Girlfriend stopwatch begins). He was friends with him at Uni, but he can’t be here today because he has work affairs to take care of unfortunately. I wasn’t going to go but thought what the hell, may as well! (Chuckles to herself) I’m really missing him though.
Man starts to look queasy.
Woman: He’s such a lovely man. Can’t wait till we get married. It’s going to be an amazing day (Man looks more queasy). I’ve got it all planned. I know where we’re going to have it. Who my bridesmaids will be. My vows. Just got to wait for him to propose, which will hopefully be soon, fingers cros….
Man throws up on the woman. The countdown clock stops at 25 seconds.
Man: I think you’re boyfriend should sort that out.
Man walks off as the woman stands at the reception covered in sick.
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
WEHELPWANKERS Charity Appeal Number Two
Another charity appeal from WEHELPWANKERS. This time we need to help the poor bankers.
Int. A blank screen appears with the words “An urgent appeal to the charitable members of British society.” Slow, emotional music plays over a montage of pictures of city workers in economic strife.
The shot fades into a serious looking man dressed in a suit.
Man in suit: Good day to you. As I am sure you are aware we have all been hit with troublesome financial times of late. Amidst all of the confusion and accusations, however, a certain subsection of society has been forgotten, cruelly left behind to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. Richard used to enjoy getting off his face everyday after work at various Champagne bars, but now he can only afford to get drunk 3 or 4 times a week at a regular pub in the City. No longer will Richard be able to visit a strip clubs afterwards, instead he has to stumble home leaving his life unfulfilled and empty. Suffering like this has to stop. Poor Richard can’t even remember what real champagne tastes like, the only taste in his mouth is premium beer and bitter tears. WEHELPWANKERS is doing everything possible to help people like Richard, but need your help to make those affected smile again. So, please help us out and make sure people like Richard visit plenty more Champagne bars and strip clubs in the future. Thank you.
Int. A blank screen appears with the words “An urgent appeal to the charitable members of British society.” Slow, emotional music plays over a montage of pictures of city workers in economic strife.
The shot fades into a serious looking man dressed in a suit.
Man in suit: Good day to you. As I am sure you are aware we have all been hit with troublesome financial times of late. Amidst all of the confusion and accusations, however, a certain subsection of society has been forgotten, cruelly left behind to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives. Richard used to enjoy getting off his face everyday after work at various Champagne bars, but now he can only afford to get drunk 3 or 4 times a week at a regular pub in the City. No longer will Richard be able to visit a strip clubs afterwards, instead he has to stumble home leaving his life unfulfilled and empty. Suffering like this has to stop. Poor Richard can’t even remember what real champagne tastes like, the only taste in his mouth is premium beer and bitter tears. WEHELPWANKERS is doing everything possible to help people like Richard, but need your help to make those affected smile again. So, please help us out and make sure people like Richard visit plenty more Champagne bars and strip clubs in the future. Thank you.
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
Daily Mail World: Exam Results Day
The exam results for A-Level students are out tomorrow so we thought we'd include a sketch about what would happen on results day if we all lived in Daily Mail World.
Int. At a school on exam results day. The words ‘Daily Mail World’ are captioned briefly at the bottom of the screen. The camera goes to students getting their exam results. They’re all happy with what they got, hugging each other, giving each other high-fives and words of congratulations.
Suddenly the ground starts to shake and hundreds of people from Daily Mail World come running into the school shouting, screaming and generally going mental.
Daily Mail World people: EXAMS ARE GETTING EASIER! THE QUESTIONS ARE SIMPLE! IT’S A DISGRACE! NO WONDER THE YOUTH OF TODAY AMOUNT TO NOTHING!
Daily Mail World person grabs someone’s exam results paper and rips it up.
Daily Mail World person (Shouting): THIS MEANS NOTHING!!!!
The Daily Mail world people leave the school. The students look visibly upset and a few girls start crying.
Int. At a school on exam results day. The words ‘Daily Mail World’ are captioned briefly at the bottom of the screen. The camera goes to students getting their exam results. They’re all happy with what they got, hugging each other, giving each other high-fives and words of congratulations.
Suddenly the ground starts to shake and hundreds of people from Daily Mail World come running into the school shouting, screaming and generally going mental.
Daily Mail World people: EXAMS ARE GETTING EASIER! THE QUESTIONS ARE SIMPLE! IT’S A DISGRACE! NO WONDER THE YOUTH OF TODAY AMOUNT TO NOTHING!
Daily Mail World person grabs someone’s exam results paper and rips it up.
Daily Mail World person (Shouting): THIS MEANS NOTHING!!!!
The Daily Mail world people leave the school. The students look visibly upset and a few girls start crying.
Monday, 16 August 2010
Ian i-phone: Girlfriend walk-in
Another scene with Ian i-phone who once again shows how much he loves his i-phone - maybe a bit too much.
Int. Ian's girlfriend walks into the bedroom and finds Ian masturbating whilst holding his i-phone.
Girlfriend: Oh my God! What are you doing?
Ian: Errrrrmmmmmm, nothing.
Girlfriend: What are you looking at then? Is it porn?
Ian: No!
Gf: That's rubbish! Let me see (Looks at i-phone). The screen is blank, it’s not even turned on.
Ian: Yeah, I know.
Girlfriend: So you were wanking over your i-phone?
Ian: Well....yeah. What else would I be wanking over? (Starts laughing to himself)
Girlfriend walks off in disgust. Ian looks at his i-Phone and starts masturbating again.
Int. Ian's girlfriend walks into the bedroom and finds Ian masturbating whilst holding his i-phone.
Girlfriend: Oh my God! What are you doing?
Ian: Errrrrmmmmmm, nothing.
Girlfriend: What are you looking at then? Is it porn?
Ian: No!
Gf: That's rubbish! Let me see (Looks at i-phone). The screen is blank, it’s not even turned on.
Ian: Yeah, I know.
Girlfriend: So you were wanking over your i-phone?
Ian: Well....yeah. What else would I be wanking over? (Starts laughing to himself)
Girlfriend walks off in disgust. Ian looks at his i-Phone and starts masturbating again.
Sunday, 15 August 2010
Facebook Couple: Part 6
Death comes to us all, sadly. In part 6 of the Facebook Couple, the guy has sadly passed away, leaving his darling girl behind as a widow.
Ext. A graveyard at a funeral. The girl is standing by the graveside decked out in full mourning dress. A small crowd similarly dressed in black stand behind her, some crying, some looking ahead at nothing while other look at the ground. She throws a rose into the open grave and dabs her eyes with a tissue. She pulls out her phone and types and taps.
Girl: is just utterly broken hearted, completely and utter devastated. How can a person carry on living after this?
A girl friend behind her pulls out her phone and reads before typing and talking.
Friend: Babe you ok? What’s up? Wana talk about it? Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss.
The girl stands silently for a while before getting her phone out again. She reads, then types and talks.
Girl: It’s too private to talk about on here babe, will PM you in a bit when he’s buried and tell you what’s up.
The girl looks into the grave again and sighs heavily.
Girl: See ya later, I guess.
The girl walks away. The rest of the crowd stand still respectfully for a moment or two, before breaking up and walking away too. They all pull out their phones and start typing and talking.
Ext. A graveyard at a funeral. The girl is standing by the graveside decked out in full mourning dress. A small crowd similarly dressed in black stand behind her, some crying, some looking ahead at nothing while other look at the ground. She throws a rose into the open grave and dabs her eyes with a tissue. She pulls out her phone and types and taps.
Girl: is just utterly broken hearted, completely and utter devastated. How can a person carry on living after this?
A girl friend behind her pulls out her phone and reads before typing and talking.
Friend: Babe you ok? What’s up? Wana talk about it? Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss.
The girl stands silently for a while before getting her phone out again. She reads, then types and talks.
Girl: It’s too private to talk about on here babe, will PM you in a bit when he’s buried and tell you what’s up.
The girl looks into the grave again and sighs heavily.
Girl: See ya later, I guess.
The girl walks away. The rest of the crowd stand still respectfully for a moment or two, before breaking up and walking away too. They all pull out their phones and start typing and talking.
Facebook Couple: Part 5
In part five of the Facebook Couple, the two lovers are now retired and extremely bored. Boredom usually leads to nothing interesting, nothing of note to share. But that doesn't usually stop people on Facebook sharing what's going on in their lives, and the Facebook Couple are the leaders of the pack.
Int. A living room. The Facebook couple are sitting down in separate armchairs, now visibly aged and grey haired. The room is silent with the exception of the faint chatter of a talk radio station coming out of the radio. The couple just stare ahead into the space ahead of them. The guy picks up his phone and motions to type, but has to think first.
Guy: is...erm...question mark confused face.
The guy puts his phone down and lets out a heavy sigh. The girl picks up her phone and starts to visibly think heavily. She starts to type.
Girl: is...dot...dot...dot
The girl puts her phone down and sighs heavily. They both continue to sit in near silence. The guy looks around the room with indifference.
Guy: When did we retire again?
Girl: Fifteen years ago.
Guy: Huh.
The guy drums his fingers on the arm of the chair before picking up his phone again. He wants to type but is evidently drawing a blank.
Guy: I just don’t know what to say. I can’t think of anything to update with.
Girl: Same.
Guy: Well I guess we don’t have to update our status? Maybe people don’t care that much about every little thing we think of, or the tedious details of our lives? I mean, it can get pretty boring. No one likes boring.
Girl ponders this comment, as does the guy. Girl picks up her phone and starts typing.
Girl: is bored.
The guy hurriedly picks up his phone and presses the screen a few times.
Guy: Like!
Int. A living room. The Facebook couple are sitting down in separate armchairs, now visibly aged and grey haired. The room is silent with the exception of the faint chatter of a talk radio station coming out of the radio. The couple just stare ahead into the space ahead of them. The guy picks up his phone and motions to type, but has to think first.
Guy: is...erm...question mark confused face.
The guy puts his phone down and lets out a heavy sigh. The girl picks up her phone and starts to visibly think heavily. She starts to type.
Girl: is...dot...dot...dot
The girl puts her phone down and sighs heavily. They both continue to sit in near silence. The guy looks around the room with indifference.
Guy: When did we retire again?
Girl: Fifteen years ago.
Guy: Huh.
The guy drums his fingers on the arm of the chair before picking up his phone again. He wants to type but is evidently drawing a blank.
Guy: I just don’t know what to say. I can’t think of anything to update with.
Girl: Same.
Guy: Well I guess we don’t have to update our status? Maybe people don’t care that much about every little thing we think of, or the tedious details of our lives? I mean, it can get pretty boring. No one likes boring.
Girl ponders this comment, as does the guy. Girl picks up her phone and starts typing.
Girl: is bored.
The guy hurriedly picks up his phone and presses the screen a few times.
Guy: Like!
Saturday, 14 August 2010
Man In Little White Pants - End of the Night
The man in little white pants continues to get rejected in situations where it appears impossible to get rejected. This time he tries his luck with a rather slutty woman at the end of a night out.
Int. A bar dance-floor. It’s the end of the night and groups of friends or coupled up people are slowly starting to leave the venue and head home to either continue or end the night. A hideously drunken woman is scurrying around various groups of men in pure desperation.
Woman: All right lads, anyone want to carry on the party at my place? It’s guaranteed.
Man 1: No it’s fine thanks, love.
Woman: Oh come on – I guarantee you you’re end up.
Man 1: We’re fine, thanks.
Woman: Faggots.
The woman turns her attention to a man standing on his own just off the dance-floor. She wobbles over.
Woman: Hey handsome, you want to carry on partying at mine? Just the two of us.
Man: Sorry, I’m just waiting for my girlfriend. She’s in the toilet.
Woman: Oh forget about her, just come with me.
Man: No chance. Can you leave me alone now, please?
Woman: I bet she’s in the gents then, because she must be a man because you’re a faggot.
The woman walks away and heads towards a group of guys putting their coats on and walking off.
Woman: Guys, where you going? Let’s all jump in a cab and go back to mine. I’ll take you all on for God’s sake. I’ll let you all have a turn….please!!
The group of guys just continue to walk, whispering and laughing privately to themselves.
Woman: Going home to listen to George Michael are you? Gonna go and suck each other off eh? Faggots.
The woman turns around to see a man in his little white pants is standing in the middle of the dance-floor, his clothes in a pile on the floor behind him. He smiles suggestively and holds his hands out slightly, offering himself up. The woman stands still and gulps in disgust. She looks around one final time – there is nobody else in the building except bar staff cleaning up.
Woman: Sorry, love, but I don’t just take anyone home.
The woman walks off. The man stands still for a second or two, his shoulders slumped and his face void of any expression. He picks up his clothes and walks off.
Int. A bar dance-floor. It’s the end of the night and groups of friends or coupled up people are slowly starting to leave the venue and head home to either continue or end the night. A hideously drunken woman is scurrying around various groups of men in pure desperation.
Woman: All right lads, anyone want to carry on the party at my place? It’s guaranteed.
Man 1: No it’s fine thanks, love.
Woman: Oh come on – I guarantee you you’re end up.
Man 1: We’re fine, thanks.
Woman: Faggots.
The woman turns her attention to a man standing on his own just off the dance-floor. She wobbles over.
Woman: Hey handsome, you want to carry on partying at mine? Just the two of us.
Man: Sorry, I’m just waiting for my girlfriend. She’s in the toilet.
Woman: Oh forget about her, just come with me.
Man: No chance. Can you leave me alone now, please?
Woman: I bet she’s in the gents then, because she must be a man because you’re a faggot.
The woman walks away and heads towards a group of guys putting their coats on and walking off.
Woman: Guys, where you going? Let’s all jump in a cab and go back to mine. I’ll take you all on for God’s sake. I’ll let you all have a turn….please!!
The group of guys just continue to walk, whispering and laughing privately to themselves.
Woman: Going home to listen to George Michael are you? Gonna go and suck each other off eh? Faggots.
The woman turns around to see a man in his little white pants is standing in the middle of the dance-floor, his clothes in a pile on the floor behind him. He smiles suggestively and holds his hands out slightly, offering himself up. The woman stands still and gulps in disgust. She looks around one final time – there is nobody else in the building except bar staff cleaning up.
Woman: Sorry, love, but I don’t just take anyone home.
The woman walks off. The man stands still for a second or two, his shoulders slumped and his face void of any expression. He picks up his clothes and walks off.
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