Here we have part 1 of a 15 minute play we put together for a sitcom competition. It didn't make the shortlist, so here it is on the website.
It follows characters in a pub that are the personifications of the national newspapers. Interested? No, well read on anyway.
INT. A PUB. THE LIGHTS COME ON. THREE MEN (THE SUN, DAILY MAIL, THE TIMES) ARE SITTING AT A TABLE WHICH IS OFF TO THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE STAGE. TWO UNEMPLOYED DRUNK PATRONS ARE SAT ON A TABLE TO THE RIGHT OF THE STAGE, NEXT TO THE BAR
ITSELF.
TWO ATTRACTIVE LADIES ENTER FROM STAGE LEFT.
THE SUN (shouting at two ladies): Oi Oi saveloy! (To DAILY MAIL) Look at the tits on those beauties!
DAILY MAIL (turns to face THE SUN, embarrassed): Do you have to be so crude?
THE SUN: I'm just appreciating her figure. She’s a beautiful woman who needs to be told by men how great her body looks. Are you bent or something?
The two ATTRACTIVE LADIES sit on a table towards the back of
the stage.
DAILY MAIL (looking at the two ATTRACTIVE LADIES): Of course I'm not. More homosexuals are the last thing we need, thank you very much. We've already seen the decay of the traditional British family, I don't want to see it disappear totally.
(Pauses, looking around) How many illegal immigrants are there in this pub?
THE SUN (looking around): None, I think you’re imagining things, mate. There’s just those two benefit scroungers at the bar. (Shouting at two DRUNK UNEMPLOYED MEN on the right hand side of stage by the bar) GET A JOB!!!!!
DAILY MAIL: Look at the state of this country. I don't even recognise it anymore. We've become a soft touch. What do you think The Times?
THE SUN and DAILY MAIL turn to THE TIMES sitting by the table. THE TIMES stays silent.
THE SUN: Well, what do you think?
THE TIMES stays silent.
DAILY MAIL: Aren't you going to say anything?
THE TIMES holds out his hand looking for money.
THE SUN: Not this again.
THE TIMES keeps his hand outstretched for money.
THE SUN: Bloody hell!
THE SUN gives THE TIMES a pound.
THE TIMES: Well it is true that more immigrants have entered Britain in the past twenty years, but this has more to do with a relaxation in EU laws rather than anything necessarily to do with government.
THE TIMES stops abruptly, showing no sign of continuing.
THE SUN: Yes, and?
THE TIMES stays silent.
DAILY MAIL: Is that all you're going to say?
THE TIMES holds out his hand for more money.
THE SUN: I don't have any change!
THE TIMES shrugs his shoulders.
THE SUN: Where's Daily Express? I thought he was meeting us here?
DAILY MAIL: He's in his room because he thinks going to the pub can give you cancer.
THE SUN: What a mug.
DAILY MAIL: Exactly! Everyone knows that chocolate, celery, red meat, the sun, the moon, the sea, water, too much sex, too little sex, technology, asylum seekers and the French are the main causes of cancer.
THE GUARDIAN walks onto stage and heads over to THE TIMES, THE SUN and DAILY MAIL on the table. She sits down next to THE TIMES on the table.
THE GUARDIAN: What did I hear? Another xenophobic remark?
DAILY MAIL: Just because I care about the state of this county. I'm not prepared to lie down and let illegal immigrants, criminals and scroungers run rampant through of the streets of this once Great Britain.
THE GUARDIAN: I do care, but everything's not so black and white. There are some grey areas.
THE SUN: (To THE GUARDIAN) Couldn't you wear something a bit more revealing? All these opinions and no skin is a massive turn off, love.
THE GUARDIAN: I'm not like your girlfriends. I have some respect for myself... and intelligence.
THE SUN: My girls are intelligent. I'll tell you what one of them said the other day.
THE GUARDIAN: How do my tits look?
THE SUN: She was talking about the UK's fiscal economic policy under Gordon Brown... while getting her tits out.
THE GUARDIAN sighs.
THE SUN: You're such a snob!
THE GUARDIAN: I'm not a snob. People listen and care about my opinions. I fight for important causes, trying to improve society and the lives of the people who live in Britain, not who's got the best pair of tits.
THE SUN: People care about my opinion! I'm the voice of the people.
DAILY MIRROR enters onto stage from the left.
DAILY MIRROR: You're not the voice of the people you mug!
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