DAILY MAIL: Oh no, oh no, no, no, no, no.
THE SUN: What now?
DAILY MAIL: What's that on the table?
THE SUN turns and looks at the book on the table.
THE SUN: It's a book.
DAILY MAIL: Yes I know that, but what? Is that the Koran?
THE SUN turns and looks again.
THE SUN: It would seem so, yes mate.
DAILY MAIL: Oh God!
DAILY EXPRESS: We need to warn everyone!
THE SUN: Of what?
DAILY MAIL: They're going to start preaching hate. They're going to blow us sky high!
NEWS OF THE WORLD enters from stage right looking sheepish dressed up in a sheik's outfit.
DAILY MAIL (pointing at NEWS OF THE WORLD): Look there's another terrorist!
NEWS OF THE WORLD heads over to the table.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Ssssh, it's me, the News of the World! I'm going undercover to get a paedo tutor caught out! (Looks over at the ASIAN MEN) What's going on then?
DAILY EXPRESS: We're about to get blown up by those terrorists.
NEWS OF THE WORLD convulses in terror and hurls himself to
the floor -
NEWS OF THE WORLD: THEY'VE GOT A BOMB!!
Everyone on stage shouts and ducks for cover. After a few seconds of silence, people slowly show their faces again, looking around for an explanation. Eyes slowly drift towards the papers.
DAILY MAIL notices that the ASIAN MEN have also ducked for
cover.
DAILY MAIL, THE SUN, DAILY MIRROR and DAILY EXPRESS stand up as NEWS OF THE WORLD slowly appears from under a table. They all look at the two ASIAN MEN.
DAILY MAIL: (to the ASIAN MEN) Why did you duck?
ASIAN MAN 1: Because one of you said there was a bomb in here.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Yeah, loads of them strapped to your bodies!
The ASIAN MEN balk in disgust.
ASIAN MAN 2: What are you talking about?
DAILY EXPRESS: Well, you're Muslims aren't you?
ASIAN MAN 2: Yes. And?
DAILY EXPRESS: Well, don't you want to bring down our decadent western civilisation?
ASIAN MAN 1: No, we just want a quick drink and then go home to have dinner with our families.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Have you brainwashed your children in secret terrorist camps?
ASIAN MAN 2: You all need to watch what you're saying! Can you actually hear yourselves speak?
THE SUN: We can do whatever we want! Who do we have to answer to?
The older MAN steps away from the younger GIRL and stands behind the ASIAN MEN.
MAN: You can't just go around shouting made-up, libellous stories about people. You're ruining lives, you're destroying social bonds!
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Shut up you paedo!!
NEWS OF THE WORLD walks over to the older MAN with purpose.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: (Shouting) This man is a paedophile!
Everyone in the pub turns to look at the older MAN and the younger GIRL sat behind him at the table. The MAN sighs angrily with frustration.
MAN: We're in love - she's 18.
ASIAN MAN 1: (to the papers) So this man fell in love with an 18 year-old and now he's a paedophile?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: I have exclusive photos and first hand testimony that shows him exploiting his role as a tutor and inviting underage girls into his house...or should I say paedo lair.
MAN: What?! That's an absolute filthy lie! That's a complete fabrication!
ASIAN MAN 1: Is that true? Did you just make that up?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: It may not be 100 per cent true, but then when have we (gestures to the other papers) ever told the complete truth? It doesn't stop you all listening and believing us.
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