One of the UNEMPLOYED DRUNK MEN (UDM1) gets up from a table and starts confronting the papers.
UDM 1: Well maybe it's time you started doing something to change that.
THE SUN (confronting UDM1): Who
the hell are you, you drunken, jobless, chav, benefits scrounging piece of scum?
UDM 1 and UDM 2 start shouting abuse at THE SUN and DAILY MIRROR. DAILY MAIL and DAILY EXPRESS start shouting at the ASIAN MEN again while the NEWS OF THE WORLD hurls abuse at the older MAN. Before long everyone is shouting at everyone and a riot is on the cards.
Two POLICE OFFICERS then enter the pub from stage left and try to restore order.
POLICE OFFICER 1: Shut up, shut up! Everyone be quiet!
POLICE OFFICER 2: Don't make us use force!
The POLICE OFFICERS withdraw their truncheons, ready to strike.
POLICE OFFICER 1: Everybody calm down!
UDM 1 strikes POLICE OFFICER 2 with a snooker cue before trying to disappear into the crowd. But before he can, POLICE OFFICER 2 hits him with his truncheon. The UDM 1 falls to the ground and lies still in shock. Everyone stops arguing and stares at the POLICE OFFICERS.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Police brutality!
DAILY MAIL: That police officer attacked that defenceless man in an unprovoked attack! The police are rampant and must be stopped!
DAILY EXPRESS: Policemen take more lives than they save!
ASIAN MAN 2: Are you joking?
DAILY EXPRESS: Did you not see? That police officer used the law against a common man!
UDM 2: Yeah, but, he hit him with a snooker cue.
DAILY MAIL: Have you been paid off to turn on your friend? Are you the symbol of deep rooted police corruption?
UDM 2: No you moron, I saw him hit a police officer who was trying to restore the peace with a snooker cue. The police officer hit him back. What did he expect?
DAILY MAIL: The police have paid off the underclass dole scum in order to create an army of braindead law enforcers! Is nothing sacred anymore?!
The BARMAN rings the bell behind the bar, drawing everyone’s attention.
BARMAN: (talking to the papers) That's it, I've had enough of your rubbish! All of you, out!
THE SUN: You what mate?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: You can't kick us out, what about freedom of speech?
DAILY MAIL: Britain in the grip of an authoritarian nanny state! Freedom of speech is no longer a privilege! We must tow the line!
BARMAN: It's not about freedom of speech, it's about you lot spouting lies and falsehoods and pedalling it as the truth, when you know it's not. You hear little rumours and hearsay and then report it in huge letters as fact, and then when it's proved to be incorrect you write a tiny, insignificant apology and put it where no one can see it! You're shameless, heartless scumbags...now get out!
The papers are lightly jostled out on the left-hand side of the stage. When they are gone a momentary silence descends as everyone looks at each other. Slowly, but then rapidly, conversation returns, and a scene of relative normality begins to unfold.
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