THE SUN: I'm the voice of the people because I give true British families the chance to have a British holiday for nine pound fifty.
DAILY MIRROR: Wasn't it only a fiver?
THE SUN: Inflation, mate.
THE GUARDIAN: Yeah, but aren't the holidays at Butlins?
THE SUN: Still a holiday.
DAILY MIRROR: What else do you give away?
THE SUN: 2 for 1 at Alton Towers. What have you done lately? (To DAILY MIRROR)
DAILY MIRROR (looking at the ground sheepishly): Free pasty at Greggs.
THE SUN starts laughing.
DAILY MIRROR (interrupting the laughter): And...free football stickers.
THE SUN: You mug. You haven't got a clue what the people want.
DAILY MAIL: I've given out DVDs.
THE SUN: Yeah but they're all films no-one understands - it's not the same as a Michael Bay classic. You've substituted explosions for dialogue - massive mistake!
THE GUARDIAN sighs and sits down by the table. THE SUN follows her. DAILY MAIL, DAILY EXPRESS and DAILY MIRROR also sit at the table.
THE SUN: (To THE GUARDIAN) Why are
you so frigid?
THE GUARDIAN: I'm not. Just because I'm a woman with strong opinions does not make me frigid.
THE SUN: If you're not frigid then why don't you show a bit of leg. No-one will be interested in you unless you show a bit of skin.
THE GUARDIAN: The Independent wants me.
DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR and THE SUN laugh.
DAILY MAIL: No-one cares about The Independent.
THE INDEPENDENT walks onto stage from the left.
THE INDEPENDENT: Hi guys!
Everyone ignores THE INDEPENDENT, refusing to turn around and acknowledge him. THE INDEPENDENT goes to the table where DAILY EXPRESS, DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR, THE GUARDIAN, THE SUN and THE TIMES are sitting.
THE INDEPENDENT (walking up to each person): Hellooooooooo! Can anyone hear me?
THE SUN: No-one cares what you have to say Independent.
THE INDEPENDENT: The Guardian does, don't you? (Walks up to THE GUARDIAN)
THE GUARDIAN looks away staying silent.
THE INDEPENDENT: I thought you'd care.
THE GUARDIAN: I'm sorry, but I don't.
THE INDEPENDENT: I thought we shared the same values. I thought we could be something special together.
THE SUN: Nobody cares Independent.
THE INDEPENDENT (looks around before looking at THE GUARDIAN):You don't care. No-one cares.
THE INDEPENDENT walks away off the stage slowly to the left.
DAILY EXPRESS: You know pubs give you cancer, don’t you?
THE SUN: No they don't. The pub is a great British institution.
DAILY MAIL: I tell you what does give you cancer.....
THE GUARDIAN: Oh will you shut up about things that give you cancer. It's all we hear about. You're turning us into hysterical hypochondriacs!
DAILY MAIL: Cancer is a serious threat to people's health and anything that could potentially cause this terrible illness should be discussed at length. It helps people.
DAILY EXPRESS: You're certainly not going to get any help from the NHS.
DAILY MAIL: Exactly. Do you know how many people died or got seriously ill because of the NHS?
THE GUARDIAN: Go on tell me. Tell me the exact figures.
DAILY MAIL: Well - I don't have the exact figures, but it's definitely a lot.
THE GUARDIAN sighs.
DAILY MAIL: I'm sorry but the NHS is not equipped to deal with all these threats to our health. They don't know what they're doing.
DAILY EXPRESS: All of the doctors are immigrants anyway.
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