THE NEWS OF THE WORLD walks off into the background, talking
on his phone. The older MAN and the 18 year old GIRL sit
down on a table at the back.
THE SUN walks over to the two attractive WOMEN sitting at the
table on the right.
THE SUN (to the WOMEN): Can I take a picture of you ladies? (Pauses) For a competition I'm running to find the hottest real life honey.
WOMAN 1: Ok, sure.
THE SUN gleefully withdraws his camera phone and gets ready to start taking photos.
THE SUN: Right ladies, if you just stand up for me. You both look great, really sexy (the girls stand up, THE SUN takes pictures). Show how excited you are (takes more pictures). Gorgeous, gorgeous (takes more pictures).
DAILY STAR walks onto stage from the right with a camera and starts gets down on the floor, taking photographs up the skirts of the attractive WOMEN.
DAILY STAR (taking pictures): Upskirt! Wear some underwear you slags!
The attractive WOMEN start screaming. They run away to the right of the stage.
THE SUN: What are you doing Daily Star?! You're ruining my pictures!
DAILY STAR: I'm taking some upskirt shots. I'm proving that teenagers are just promiscuous whores writhing around in one naked ball of skin and juices. This will show why teenage pregnancy rates have rocketed so much! It’s called investigative journalism.
THE SUN: By getting on the floor and taking photos up girls' skirts?
DAILY STAR: It's just modern journalism, mate.
THE SUN: Well, they've all run away now. How am I supposed to judge their bodies now?
DAILY STAR: They bloody loved it! Slags!
THE SUN: Go away!
DAILY STAR walks off stage to the left, walking past the
table at the front of the stage on the way. As he passes he
takes a picture of THE GUARDIAN's breasts.
DAILY STAR (to THE GUARDIAN): Just seen your nipples! Wear a bra you slag!
DAILY STAR exits stage left.
THE GUARDIAN stands up and walks towards The Sun on the right.
THE GUARDIAN (to THE SUN): Did you put him up to this?
THE SUN: Of course not. I was trying to take pictures of the fit women, I don’t know what he wanted with you.
THE SUN sits down at the table and is followed by THE GUARDIAN.
DAILY MAIL: I still can't believe that girl went to private school. It used to be such a proud institution!
DAILY EXPRESS: So many non-native Brits are going to private school now. How can they afford it?
DAILY MAIL: Probably given grants by the government, taking the places of the white middle-class children.
DAILY MIRROR: Good, private schools need a greater ethnic population. Diversity enhances all areas of society.
DAILY MAIL: The ethnics get so many perks in today's Britain, though. The white middle-class are the forgotten people. It’s a blatant injustice!
THE GUARDIAN: Really? Have you been to rural Britain recently?
DAILY MAIL: No, because the once great British rural landscape is now dominated by useless eyesores, otherwise known as wind turbines.
DAILY EXPRESS: Living close to wind turbines give you cancer.
THE GUARDIAN: Are you aware of change?
DAILY MAIL: The biggest myth around!
THE GUARDIAN: A myth?
DAILY MAIL: Yes, a myth thought up by socialists like you to get us on this hippy bandwagon against traditional fuel sources.
THE GUARDIAN: Not only are traditional fuel sources destroying planet earth but they are also running out rapidly. Something needs to be done before we’re all fu-
Daily Express: Muslims!
THE GUARDIAN and DAILY MAIL face DAILY EXPRESS.
THE GUARDIAN: Sorry?
DAILY EXPRESS: It's their fault, they have all the oil.
DAILY MAIL: Exactly. Too much power in the wrong hands.
THE GUARDIAN: This is ridiculous. (Turns to the DAILY MIRROR) Are you listening to this?
DAILY MIRROR and THE SUN are both standing up starring at the attractive WOMEN to the right of the stage.
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