THE NEWS OF THE WORLD walks onto stage from the left.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Alright benders?
NEWS OF THE WORLD moves towards the table at the front of the stage.
DAILY MAIL (To everyone gathered around the table): Who invited him?
THE SUN stands up to embrace NEWS OF THE WORLD.
THE SUN: News of the World, how you doing mate?
THE SUN and NEWS OF THE WORLD embrace with a macho handshake and hug in front of the table. The other papers talk among themselves in the background.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Not bad bruv, not bad. Just been undercover.
THE SUN: Any dirt?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Not today, but the other day I went undercover disguised as a sheik and you'll never guess who's a paedo.
THE SUN: Who?
NEWS OF THE WORLD whispers into THE SUN's ears.
THE SUN: No way?!
NEWS OF THE WORLD nods.
THE SUN: I have to tell people this.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: You can't.
THE SUN: Why not?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: News of the World exclusive. Been holding this back for a week.
THE GUARDIAN: What's this about an exclusive?
NEWS OF THE WORLD turns around and walks towards THE GUARDIAN
at the table.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Never you mind. It's got nothing to do with baby seals getting clubbed - you wouldn't be interested.
THE GUARDIAN: Why do you have to be so crass?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Me? Crass? I heard you're having it away with a footballer.
THE GUARDIAN (blushing): That is a ridiculous accusation. Where did you hear that from?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: I have my sources.
THE GUARDIAN: Have you been hacking my phone again?
NEWS OF THE WORLD ignores the question, looking at the
ground.
DAILY MAIL: Was it a black footballer?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: My lips are sealed until Sunday.
An 18 year-old GIRL and older MAN walk into the pub. The NEWS OF THE WORLD, THE SUN, DAILY MAIL, DAILY MIRROR and DAILY EXPRESS turn around.
DAILY MAIL: What's this all about?
DAILY MIRROR: Looks like father and daughter.
The 18-year old GIRL and older MAN start kissing.
THE SUN: Wahey! Get in there my son!
DAILY MAIL: Disgusting! I can't imagine what the age difference is!
DAILY MAIL, NEWS OF THE WORLD and THE SUN look the 18 year-old GIRL up and down.
DAILY MAIL and NEWS OF THE WORLD walk over to the 18 year-old GIRL and older MAN on the right hand side of the stage.
DAILY MAIL (to the older MAN): I think this is disgusting! (To the 18 year-old GIRL) What's your background? State school student I presume?
GIRL: No I've just finished sixth form at St. Edmunds.
DAILY MAIL: St. Edmunds?
GIRL: Yes.
DAILY MAIL: But that's a private school? How could such a silly little girl go to a private school?! You're so common. What is Britain coming to! What has happened to our class system?!
DAILY MAIL walks away back to the table shaking his head.
NEWS OF THE WORLD (to the older MAN): How do you know this girl mate?
MAN: I was her tutor, but we both soon realised that we are in love.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Are you a paedo?
MAN: What?! Of course not; and she's 18 years old, anyway! Not that it’s any of your business.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Do you have any proof?
MAN: Well she has ID if that's what you mean. But I really think you should respect our privacy and stop sticking your nose in where it doesn’t belong. Now please, leave
us alone.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Have you slept with any other girls you've tutored? Is that what you do? Build their trust and then plough their nice, firm arses?
MAN: Of course not! This is incredibly insulting behaviour, who do you think you are? If you really must know this young lady is the first, and will be the last, student I ever love.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Sounds like misconduct to me, mate.
MAN: But I love her!
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Just be careful, mate. One false move and I will take you down. I will let everybody in this town know you're a paedo and that you've been having it away with schoolgirls for years.
The older MAN looks at the NEWS OF THE WORLD in nervous
trepidation. The NEWS OF THE WORLD's phone starts ringing.
NEWS OF THE WORLD (to the older MAN): I've got to take this, but I'm not finished with you. (Answering his phone) Yes mate -
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