THE GUARDIAN: Hello? Are you listening to me Daily Mirror?
DAILY MIRROR (starring at the WOMEN): Yeah, the Daily Mail is a Tory scumbag.
THE GUARDIAN: You weren't even listening.
DAILY MIRROR (still starring at the WOMEN): Yeah, I hate The Sun too.
THE GUARDIAN: You say you hate him (points at THE SUN, who's starring at the WOMEN) but you're exactly alike. You're like identical twins who hate each other!
DAILY MIRROR (turns around to face THE GUARDIAN): Whoa! No we're not! Give me at least five reasons.
THE GUARDIAN: You both claim to be the voice of the average British person, you both look to spread idle gossip and rumour as fact, you love to talk about any celebrity no matter how insignificant they may be, you both talk about football constantly and you're both filthy perverts.
DAILY MIRROR: Rubbish!
THE GUARDIAN: You know it's the truth!
DAILY MIRROR (dismissive): Whatever.
DAILY MIRROR turns back to stare the attractive WOMEN. NEWS OF THE WORLD hangs up his phone on the right hand side of stage and walks towards THE SUN.
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Right, I better head off now. Got an important lead about a former Big Brother winner.
THE SUN: Which one? Is it Brian?
NEWS OF THE WORLD: Now that would be telling (slaps THE SUN on the face playfully). I'll see you later mate (gives THE SUN a macho handshake and hug). Keep an eye on him over there (points at the older MAN). I think he might be a paedo.
NEWS OF THE WORLD exits stage left. DAILY MIRROR and THE SUN walk back to the table and sit down.
Two ASIAN MEN enter from stage right and head towards the bar to order some drinks. DAILY MAIL and DAILY EXPRESS instantly eye them suspiciously.
DAILY MAIL: I don't want to alarm you all, but you might want to edge slowly to the exits.
THE SUN: What are you on about?
DAILY MAIL: I think those people who just walked in are terrorists. They're probably covered head to toe in explosives. Don't argue, just leave without raising suspicion.
THE SUN: (looking at the ASIAN MEN) I think one of those is Mr. Malik, he looks after my mum at the old folks home.
DAILY EXPRESS: Typical.
THE SUN: What's typical about that?
DAILY EXPRESS: More jobs for the common British man out the window.
THE SUN: I dunno, he does a great job. He's a lovely man.
DAILY MAIL: That's going to be irrelevant soon when he blows the place up! That's if MRSA doesn't kill them all first.
THE GUARDIAN: I can't listen to this. Anyone else coming?
THE TIMES nods in agreement. THE GUARDIAN and THE TIMES get up and exit stage left.
DAILY MAIL: You see, even The Guardian and The Times are worried about the terrorists!
DAILY EXPRESS: Is where Mr. Mallik works an NHS run establishment then?
THE SUN: No, it's private.
DAILY EXPRESS: Oh well that's fine, there won't be excrement smeared all over the walls then.
DAILY MAIL: I think our main concern right now should be those terrorists. Should we call the police?
THE SUN: How do you know they are terrorists? I don't want to create a storm over nothing.
DAILY EXPRESS: Seriously? You?!
THE SUN: I only deal in truth and facts.
DAILY EXPRESS: All you ever do is shout senseless nonsense at the top of your voice based on rumours you've heard.
THE SUN: I'm the interpreter of interpretations!
The two ASIAN MEN have got their drinks and take a seat at a table near to the papers to the right of the stage. One of them gets out a large leather bound book and places it on the table.
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