Poll Shows Men With Suped Up Cars Are Most Desirable To Women

The newly published results of a recent MORI poll have shown for the first time a distinct pattern in what women find attractive in their male counterparts. The poll painstakingly asked for the opinions of over 30,000 women across Great Britain, asking them what non-physical attributes they found particularly appealing when looking for a partner in the opposite sex.

Topping the chart of preferences is what MORI describe as "men with ownership of some kind of modified or 'suped-up' car". Upon further elaboration, it is revealed that the car should be horrifically garish in colour; a bold yellow or a pacific blue is preferable, but a simple white or black would suffice. The car must have some kind of rear spoiler that is completely out of proportion with the rest of the car, as well as being equipped with gleaming alloy wheels (real or fake) - the larger the rim the better.

Furthermore, the car must have a funnel-like exhaust pipe that amplifies the roar of the engine by at least one hundred decibels, and can be heard perfectly within a two mile radius. This effect can only truly impress the ladies, however, when it is combined with a dump valve and turbo charged engine. The hideously deep hum of the engine coupled with the hiss of the dump valve will simply drive the women wild, and no doubt garner admiring, envious looks from men in pitifully standard cars.

The windows, naturally, should be tinted, and tasteful stickers advertising authentic supercar manufacturers should adorn these. Moreover, the car should have all the basic necessities of body kit work: a ridiculously low front bumper and/or front spoiler, as well as a bulky, unsightly rear bumper in which to house the monstrous, phallic exhaust. To complete the look, however, side skirts must be in place. It is imperative that any children that are run over while drunk driving do not get under the wheels and damage the suspension.

If all of these attributes can be found on any standard model Vauxhall Nova, Fiat Punto, Ford Escort et al., then the owner will quite simply find himself in the most ideal of situations in regards to the ladies. It is not only cars that defy aesthetics that seem to impress the ladies, though, as coming in at number two on the list was, as MORI explains, "men with some kind of drug or alcohol addiction".

This is not a blanket, cover-all term, though. Crack addiction is particularly frowned upon, but not specifically ruled out as undesirable. The same applies for heroin. Both are seen as major obstacles, but ones that will be fun to overcome together as a couple during weekends together. Marijuana, cocaine and ecstasy, however, are all given the thumbs up as men with addictions to these drugs are considered to have, "a deep character, a tender soul, a rich personality and a fantastic sense of humour".

In regards to alcohol addiciton, this is seen as secondary in appeal to drug addicition, but is still nonetheless highly desirable. A man who regularly drinks himself into oblivion, showing little regard for his life and the feelings of those that love him would appear to be quite the beau. The rampant selfishness that he constantly displays is rooted in a deep, caring soul, a soul that could flourish gloriously if only he were ever sober enough and not thinking of himself or his similarly addicted friends.

The overall conclusion from MORI's findings is that men with these kind of addictions are found to be more sexually appealing, and infinitely more interesting and complex than those who can control their demons and live relatively normal lives. These men are quite rightly seen as "stiffs", and appear to be generally boring.

And finally, coming in at third on the list is "men who cannot contain their anger". Quite simply, this type of man is he who "can transform from a pleasant, semi-articulate individual to a snarling, incredulous animal at the drop of an inappropriate anecdote, a poor practical joke or a mistimed laugh". According to MORI's results, women can see past the complete lack of reason and control, can see past the utter void of intelligence and the inability to deploy diplomacy in these men. They can even see past the black hole where their sense of humour should be. In place of these minor deficiencies women swoon over the brooding masculinity of these men, and go weak at the knees at seeing testosterone pulsing dangerously beneath their skin. There is simply no need for verbal articulation when a man can express himself so clearly, so artistically, so majestically and so definitely with his fists, particularly against other men of a considerably smaller stature.